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Original poster

Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

251 replies

Indianajonesy66 · 30/07/2019 09:19

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

OP posts:
SweetAsSpice · 30/07/2019 14:26

This is why social media is so very dangerous. Including text messages and emails. You’re reading into things and imagining things which literally aren’t there, interpreting both the tone and pragmatics of written words.

I get it. I have anxiety. I largely stay off social media (aware of the irony right now...) as all this extra headfuck is what my brain definitely doesn’t need. Sounds like yours doesn’t either OP. Step away!

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 30/07/2019 14:27

Way too intense on both sides.

Just go with the flow and see where it takes you... You are both admitting to being anxious at the very start, the fun part, of your relationship!

Step away from the phone and the angst!

Gfplux · 30/07/2019 14:28

This is very sad.
Does he know how needy you are. Does he understand how this will not get any better and is he up to the task.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/07/2019 14:30

Your anxiety about this man is going to become a self fulfilling prophecy for both this and any future relationships if you don't deal with your issues.

HaileySherman · 30/07/2019 14:31

Please don't leave a passive aggressive comment, lol. The relationship is new. He seems to really like you. At this point you want to show confidence and that he should be missing you as much as you him. You don't want to give the impression that you're pining away at home for him (even if you are, it happens lol) because it comes across as a bit pathetic. It's like you probably wouldn't poop with the door open when he's there, you probably shouldn't show any neediness either. Forgive me if any of this came off as rude or insulting, that's not my intention at all. I understand you miss him and feel insecure because it's new, i think many, many people would. I just don't think you should sh6him that.

sneakypinky · 30/07/2019 14:32

Bloody hell, this is far too much angst for ONE FLIPPING MONTH. It's not even a "relationship" yet, at 4 weeks in you're just dating and seeing how things go.

It sounds like there's drama on both sides, I couldn't be bothered with this kind of texting back and forth at this stage.

absofuckinglutley · 30/07/2019 14:32

Sorry I'm cringing reading this. Way too intense on both parts.

TwistyTop · 30/07/2019 14:34

Hmmmm... Just seen your update OP. This guy sounds like hard work Hmm

Do what you will OP, but don't let him mess you about. You are worth more than that.

Flashesofrage · 30/07/2019 14:34

Please don’t send him things like “oh you’re having second thoughts about us aren’t you”. It does neither of you any favours.

I’ve been you.
My now husband and I had been together for 8 weeks when he went away to France for a week (to be fair to me it was to tidy up loose ends at the house he rented jointly with his ex... who was there!)

We had never done much texting and I was already aware that he really didn’t like to but my head absolutely fell off when he didn’t text or call for the whole week!

We are now four years on.
I learnt that although he could have contacted me if he wanted to. He actually didn’t want to that week.
He was sorting out his head, enjoying seeing friends in France that he probably wouldn’t see again, emotionally closing the door on his ex and taking some time reflect on his future with me.

He came home determined and happy about our future. I was raging 🤣

My point is that people have different expectations about communication and different ways of processing things.

Even if your bloke “knows” your history he didn’t live it and he isn’t you. He might think he’s done a grand amount of keeping in contact and has no idea that you needed just a text a day to tide you over.

Besides, his mates probably gave him stick after he got off the phone on Saturday and he got confused about what amount was right between his expectations, your expectations and the expectations of those around him.

C0untDucku1a · 30/07/2019 14:39

I dont think youre ready for a relationship at all.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2019 14:41

The “I don’t want to let you down” text really sounds like he is worried that he can’t keep up with the level of emotional looking-after you need

I’ve had anxiety and driven people absolutely bonkers with it. It isn’t healthy or normal, you make up a situation in your head and then react like the person has actually done that, when they haven’t.

Have you considered CBT? I did a course and it was life changing, totally helped me cut the cycle of catastrophising

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/07/2019 14:50

Oh dear . I have a friend like you, she always ends up driving perfectly lovely me men away. She does exactly what you’ve just done in your ‘are you having second thoughts about us text’ that’s not what he said at all. In your position I’d have replied with ‘ok hun, you’ll be home soon, just try and enjoy your time away’ or something similar. You really are creating a self fulfilling prophecy... if he didn’t have second thoughts, if you carry on like you are, chances are he will do

Guardianangelwhereareyou · 30/07/2019 14:51

I don’t want to hurt you. God knows I’ve been there but there is something not quite right here in my opinion. I think he might be starting to play games . A lot of melodrama for a fella who didn’t contact you in a few days when he could have if he had really
Wanted. Hope I’m wrong .

Skittlenommer · 30/07/2019 14:52

The more I read the more I think you guys should call it a day and FAST!! Your future with each other is bleak at best.

You’re both way too intense after only being together for a month!!! Some serious growing up to do!

dragonflyflew · 30/07/2019 14:53

shirleyphallus I thought this too. We still have no idea how old they are, if kids are involved etc but it does sound like he might have freaked out a bit... I’m wondering what else was said prior to that message and not included here...
Pure guesswork but If it’s this intense early days he might not want the pressure of relationship anxiety to manage or might feel it’s too full on so soon with kids involved.
A holiday with all his mates might be giving him a certain sense of freedom... and hard to think I be got to come home to someone who’s going to be worried every time we’re apart.

BlingLoving · 30/07/2019 14:55

She's told him all about her anxiety issues and he's probably fully aware that dating her is a bit of minefield. He likes her a lot. He wants to be there for her. But he has no idea how to do that and is scared of letting her down. I honestly don't see anything sinister in his texts. Just a lot of melodrama from both of them.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2019 14:56

Blimey and this is after a month Shock

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2019 14:58

It is incredibly full on to jump to an accusation of “you’re having second thoughts about us!” When he’s just been relaxing and having fun

The irony is that he probably wasn’t having second thoughts before your neediness, but may well be if you keep testing him

Mum4Fergus · 30/07/2019 15:03

He doesn't want to let you down, you replied 'it's ok'. My thought is that you've just given him permission to go ahead and let you down.

snowy0wl · 30/07/2019 15:06

OP, I completely get where you are coming from. I've been in a similar situation myself (ghosted and burnt by an ex, became paranoid about future relationships as a result). At the start of my relationship with my (now) husband I couldn't even bear to see him talking to other women - I was convinced that he was chatting them up (in all cases he was just being polite).

I mean this in the nicest possible way - this is honestly not the sort of conversation you should be having with your boyfriend over text message. Sentences can be easily misread. You are feeling emotionally vulnerable right now and so you are likely to read far more into the texts than is probably intended, which means you will worry yourself into a coma. I personally cannot see anything malicious in his text messages you have posted in here. He has tried to get in touch as and when he can, which is a good sign.

Please heed the warnings from previous posters. You will push him away if you are unable to overcome or control this anxiety, because it will start to consume you. And that would be a shame, because he sounds like a lovely bloke.

Like I said, I've been where you are and know exactly how scared you must be feeling. Try to give him space and focus on other things for the next three and a half days. It helped me to cross off the days on a calendar when my boyfriend, now husband, was away for 2 weeks with almost no phone signal. Look after yourself so that you can be on top form and ready to greet him fresh-faced on Saturday when he returns from his holiday. xx

loobyloo1234 · 30/07/2019 15:07

Cmon people - some of these comments are extremely mean

When you've been hurt in the past, you tend to lose some perspective on relationships and boundaries

OP - if he's in photos, at least you know he's ok. If he'd been online and was ignoring you, I would worry. As he hasn't, try not to panic - and definitely do not post anything on the photos

Roussette · 30/07/2019 15:13

Good grief, are people like this after a month???! Me and my DH were just hanging out, going you for meals, shagging, drinking too much and generally having fun. We didn't have deep talks or angst or trauma at this stage!

Why on earth did you ask him if he was having second thoughts? He hadn't said anything like that, and he has said he's missing you. It's almost like you are on a self prophesy to dooming the whole thing. I agree that you are pushing him to knock it on the head with that question

MashedSpud · 30/07/2019 15:14

You’re being so over the top. You’ll end up suffocating the relationship if you don’t take a breath and think before you send messages to him.

You also say your insecurities make you who you are etc but dealing with an insecure person is hard work, you shouldn’t see it as a sweet little part of your personality because it’s draining, not cute.

Rumours0fAHurricane · 30/07/2019 15:16

Putting aside your anxiety etc, this isn't good

Your intuition has flagged something up to you and you ignore it at your peril

You're a month in. His stupid cryptic messages to you are utter bollocks. He should just spit it out and address the elephant in the room - it sounds like second thoughts to me and I could not be bothered to go through the whole rigamarole where you both have to thrash out emotions that actually shouldn't exist after being together a matter of weeks.

Don't let him do this. Don't let him crank up a load of toss like this. I honestly couldn't be doing with his 'anxious feelings' when probably what he means is he's knobbed someone else. Who knows?

Dating doesn't need to be like this. Next time round, don't tell anyone your past experiences. No need to. Just concentrate on having some fun.

Oh and kick this one to the kerb, sharpish. He's playing mind games with you now

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2019 15:17

This is really unhealthy batshit.

He's pulling back. That's the whole thing about he's scared to let you down. You're full on thinking this is it for life, it's hugely unhealthy for four weeks in.

I'm also curious how old you both are because you sound like teenagers enjoying the drama.