Boyfriend on holiday, not been in touch in 3 days. Don't know how to handle it.

[Indianajonesy66]

Feeling like a complete idiot....

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. Boyfriend is currently away on holiday and hasn't been in touch in 3 days and I'm now getting very anxious and have no idea how to handle it.

Bit of background:
My ex partner of 2 years randomly ended our relationship by suddenly ghosting me. He literally stopped answering my calls and texts. After a month he reinitiated contact but I chose to walk away as I had seen just how possessive and controlling he had been in our relationship.

During our breakup I went and saw a therapist who helped me a lot. I slowly regained my confidence and I thought I was ok but I do still have some underlying trust issues.

I'm now in a relationship with another guy who has been incredibly sweet, affectionate, loving etc. Our relationship is fairly new but he's left me in no doubt about his feelings. We have lots of future plans made, I've been intro to friends and family etc.

He had the opportunity to go on an amazing 10 day trip to France. Sadly it was too last minute for me to go too but I encouraged him to go because I knew it was too good an opportunity for him to miss it. I knew I was going to struggle with anxiety with him going away but also want him to be able to live his life. He knows about my previous experience with my ex too.

He went away on Wednesday and has apparently had a nightmare with his phone not sending texts etc or even letting him use data so his contact has been sketchy but very sweet and affectionate when he has got in contact. I was coping fine with only hearing from him occasionally, until now....

The last contact I had with him was on Saturday. We chatted for over an hour. He was saying how much he missed me and was making future plans with me. He asked if he could get dropped off at my house when they come back on Saturday and stay with me for a few days and I said yes (but didn't give him my address at that point). He then said his phone battery was only at 2% so he had to go but we'd chat soon.

Later that night I sent him a flirty text wanting to surprise him when he managed to check his messages again.

However nearly 3 days later there's been no contact from him. He's not been online or on facebook at all that I can tell (I can see his last online statuses) and my message still hasn't been delivered to his phone. His relationship status on Facebook still says in a relationship. I was making up all these excuses in my head for why he's not been in touch, like maybe he was having issues charging his phone at the campsite etc.

Then one of the people he's gone away with started a public photo album of their trip. I was relieved as they posted a few pictures of my boyfriend so at least I knew he was ok.

Then this morning one of the girls in the group posted a picture of him standing with her directing an electric fan at him and him smiling at her. A proper electric fan with a cord so he clearly does have access to electricity and could most likely charge his phone.

I've just been left feeling like shit and now have no idea how to handle the situation. I'm so tempted to post a comment on the photo saying something like "nice to see you're still alive" or something like that because I feel so frustrated and angry but deep down I know that will probably just aggravate the situation and make me feel worse. I don't want to be a possessive, horrible girlfriend and I don't expect him to be in touch all the time but do feel hurt that he's not been in touch in so long especially as he knows how my ex made me feel.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, just wait for him to get in touch I guess. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and post on the photo because then at least he might give me some closure sooner. I have no idea where I stand anymore or if I'm still going to see him on Saturday. Just so confused.

How old are you both?

Blimey - I missed a whole page there so ignore my reply. He sounds strange - and not what you need OP. Move on

These latest messages just show why you'd have been better off taking a deep breath, turning off your phone and going to find something fun to do.

He sounds like an idiot for sending you this

"Not too bad thank you. Missing home a bit. And a couple of other emotions too, but generally ok xx"

HE'S ON HOLIDAY!!!! A NORMAL PERSON IS OUT HAVING A GOOD TIME NOT "MISSING HOME" AFTER 3 OR 4 DAYS. NOT SENDING WANKY TEXT MESSAGES SAYING "A COUPLE OF OTHER EMOTIONS".

It is so clearly designed to provoke you into an anxiety reaction it is bizarre. You'd have been better off ignoring it.

but then you get this one:

I don't want to let you down at all! That's one of the emotions I'm feeling, I'm scared I'm going to

FFS. I think you'd be better off throwing this one back in the pond. He sounds like an absolute cock in my opinion. Who says that kind of thing? Especially to someone they know to be a bit anxious and when you are on the other side of the world/apart for holiday reasons

This can only be one of the following:

1. He is trying to provoke an anxiety reaction in you to boost his ego and test how much you care.

1. He has shagged someone else or is lining up to and is trying to alert you that he might let you down.

1. He's teeing you up in future so he can let himself off the hook by thinking he's given your fair warning. (an equivalent of "I'm not sure I'm ready for a serious relationship said very early" as a catch all get out for later down the line).

1. He's a naval gazing introspective weirdo.

Whichever it is - it is not good for you if you are an anxiety inclined because of your prior relationships. Your earlier posts as I think you know show that you have abnormally high attactment anxiety. Posting a passive aggressive comment on the photograph would have been a bad bad idea - it would have made you look bunny boiler but I think you see that. BUT if you have that sort of feeling, a man like this is not the way to help yourself.

There are plenty of men who won't behave like this.

He could have broken/lost his phone/charger? If the messages haven't been delivered it's not like he's read them and is ignoring you.

All the scathing comments about you/him sounding terribly hard work aren't exactly wrong but don't take into account that this is what everything is like when you are a very anxious person. Unfortunately you can't just turn it off and it is bloody exhausting!

This is what all of my dating experiences were like through my teens and twenties but I didn't share my thoughts with anyone else and did end up destroying relationships with jealousy and worrying. Totally pointless.

Well done for posting here. Not all the responses are offering the same advice but there is a lot of helpful overlap. My own advice would be to not make any rash decisions. Just wait until Saturday when he's back in the UK and can message you freely. If he doesn't and doesn't end up coming to yours then it doesn't matter - no need to chase. It might happen, it might not.

Just worth adding that it's possible for him to be perfectly honest and nice and trustworthy, but for the expectations that you have of each other in a relationship to not quite marry up (eg level of contact). If this causes you lots of stress then that is a valid reason to say the relationship isn't working and end it. I'm adding that in because it's the sort of thing that would've been helpful for someone to say to me - you don't have to sit around accepting a relationship dynamic that the other person has chosen. It doesn't matter if MN think you're silly or your friends would be happy with that level of contact. If you're not happy then you don't have to settle. But don't get drawn into passive aggressive FB comments or sulking, just be honest with your thoughts and feelings, talk sensibly with him when he's back, and go from there.

OP I totally get that this must be really tough for you, with your nasty ex and being laid up must mean that you’ve got more time to dwell and question things.

From all that you’ve posted on here though, I truly don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. It sounds like he really likes you and cares about you, with him spending ages on the phone to you on Saturday. The things he’s texted don’t sound sinister to me- it’s so difficult to convey what you mean in short texts. The ‘other emotions’ bit could mean anything, such as one of the people he’s staying with having upset him a bit. I wouldn’t worry that it means anything bad relating to you.

Honestly, he sounds a lot like me when I go away on holiday or any kind of travel. I try to avoid social media completely and rarely think about people at home at all (yes, even my now DH). When I went away on holiday with friends before I had Kids I usually just texted DH (he was my DP for many years before that, too) to let him know I’d arrived safely but didn’t make any further contact after that. Not that I was ever tempted to cheat, or cared about him any less, I just switch off completely and live in the present.

Please do try to avoid making him feel bad or spoiling his holiday. I’m trying to say this gently OP but you’ll just push him away if he feels you’re being possessive and demanding. Try to trust him and distract yourself with whatever you can until he returns.

Jeez. You both sound like very hard work & are well suited.

Fancy sending him a text basically asking him to split up with you. And then he replies saying he doesnt want to let you down, knowing how flaky you can be.

Life was so much simplier when I was your age OP (I'm assuming you are late teens / early 20's)

It does sound a bit intense op but I can understand where you're coming from. He does sound like he's being a bit weird, the letting you down thing doesn't make sense to me.

So what if he doesnt want to get in touch with you for a few days?
Seriously? It means jack shit.
He's away, he's fine. He said he'll see you Saturday, that's perfectly normal. However your mothering isnt. I get you've had a bad time in the past, I get your having therapy but to me it sounds like you have nothing else going on in your life. This is the week you should be out with mates, catching up with things, having a laugh, seeing family etc but instead you say you 'feel like shit' because of a face book picture and that you hadnt spoken to him on sunday or monday! That is crackers what ever way you look at it.

You made him feel bad before going away as you expressed unhappiness at it but then did the martyrs 'go and have a wonderful time'.

Now you've said the flirty message didn't deliver. He's trying to have a holiday with friends while you are creating your own dramatic narrative and trying to make that his main focus.

You have been together for FOUR WEEKS!!!!!!!

I’d be telling my child to run for the hills. The fact you had to “encourage” him to go away says an awful lot. After just a month of dating he should have just been able to book.

I’d also be if any of mine changed their FB status to in a relationship after four weeks.

He’s gone away with a group of people right? I wonder if any of them are on MN...

Sounds like he's missing you and scared of falling in love (what's his history on relationships).

Just chill, say hope to see you at the weekend kissy stuff and leave it...

Op, I suspect he’s been up to something whilst away and when it all comes out in the wash he’ll say it was after his last text and that he did warn you he was worried he’d let you down.

I’d also be hmm if any of mine changed their FB status to in a relationship after four weeks

So would I ! One of my DCs has been in a relationship for years and neither have changed their status on FB.

If the OP has fessed up about the impact the last r/ship she had on her, I imagine the guy is petrified of letting her down or worried he can't give the contact she wants. I don't think there's any problem with those texts personally. But the responses to them by the OP were not so good.

@TellItLikeItReallyIs has hit the nail on the head. Who says stuff like that??? god, what a complete bell.
Any normal, decent person would just say "Hey, hope you're ok. I'm having a great time, miss you and see you soon". Not some vague message about 'other emotions'. He's playing with you!

Jesus wept, it's like a script from Hollyoaks!
Put your phone down, for a run or a walk and put an end to this drama. Too much nonsense for a month long relationship!

Honestly OP, four weeks in it should just be casual fun, not all this angst and making plans for the future. You are being far too needy and clingy, his messages are odd, do you really think either of you are really ready for a relationship?

It's quite plain here. He really likes you but he's picked up on your worrying and drama and is having second thoughts but doesn't want to let you down. If I were you I would apologise for making too much of things and say something like "don't worry about me, just have a great time". Quick before it's too late.

I had assumed OP was in early fifties from her username.

I can understand why posters might have assumed she was 13 though....

crappyday2018

TellItLikeItReallyIs has hit the nail on the head. Who says stuff like that???
The OP. To me it sounds like he is picking up and sending back some of the Op has said to him.she had already told him all about the ex and her anxiety seems to ooze out of her.
I think he cant do right for doing wrong!

I think he is clearly telling you that you are freaking him out. The other emotions could be worry and unease at how much you expect.

I think he's basically saying that he'll let you down because there's no way he can love up to what your intensity requires... And your text messages have shown him that.

I think you're over reacting.

I understand that this early on in a new relationship is the most vulnerable, he should be wooing you yes etc but he's not ghosting you.

I do think your past experiences are affecting you now. Don't let it ruin this relationship he sounds so nice by his messages to you?

Can I offer you some advice op? I do not want to patronise you but you sound scarily similar to the new girlfriend of a friend of mine . He is mid thirties, she is mid twenties and has come out of a very long term emotionally abusive relationship. I know that she is doing so much work on herself to heal from the deviant pig she was beholden to HOWEVER she has pursued my friend, weeks after breaking up with ex of years and years and has fallen head over heels for him.He likes her, he is kind to her, they have fun but she is so full of anxiety ;wondering if they’ll move in together, waiting around for him to text and make plans, accepting being an option in his life. She wants it all and immediately ,yet I can see that because she is so smitten, she is living her life waiting for the next call . He passed a comment recently, very like the one your friend passed to you today. He told her that he couldn’t promise her anything , as he felt that she was almost planning their wedding weeks in so it was like he was preparing for disaster . I told
Him that I thought that was a terrible thing to say to a girl with such a shitty experience and history but he said that he was freaked out about the intensity of her feeling so early on and try as she did to hide her desperation, he could see right through . He is a lovely man but she is accepting everything and anything like a grateful puppy . Please don’t do this to yourself. You will ultimately end up desperately unhappy . I can see already that he is feeling claustrophobic and often turns off the phone as she can hound him .she meets his needs for a whole host of different reasons but I do wonder how much longer he is going to tolerate being smothered.
Get yourself to counselling and related treatments. Heal and strengthen so that you will feel empowered and strong and ready for your next real and mature relationship where you will meet a man in the same space as you.

I think your anxiety is reading too much into it! It sounds like he's genuinely interested and having phone trouble. X