Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

You poor thing, this does sound terribly hard. I hope you get to your event and then home safely afterwards. And that you and your children get free from this somehow.

Has he been in the bathroom for 5 hours?
Have you asked him to come out? Do you know what he is doing? Is he safe?

I hope everything is okay OP

Change your flights and get home .. leave him if need be although I would imagine that won't end well.. how scary for you .

Hi. This is my first post, but let me add my opinion.

I'm 34, male and on depression medication. Frist thing is you can definitely be depressed for 20 years. I have suffered since I can remember, and am told it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. This explains why I have severe dips when there is literally nothing on my mind. Medication has not "cured" me, but it has balanced me.

Regardless of this I work and always have. No excuse to not support his children and take some pressure off you.

I have a DD that I am aware to never be 'off' with, and infact other than meds she is the one thing that I can easily find happiness in.

It can take up to 6 weeks for medication to have a therapeutic effect, and those weeks can be tumultuous.

The meds you showed make you VERY sleepy and are generally given out to those who's anxiety effect sleep, but have little other side effects as they work differently to most other anti-depressants.

His other behaviours can be attributed to depression or poor mental stability, but it sounds more like he is not a very nice person who has those conditions, rather than a nice person changed by them.

Hope you're ok OP?

There is nothing worse than walking on egg shells especially when it's meant to be the trip of a life time. He does sound mentally abusive and controlling and manipulative on top of his mental health issue.

I hope you don't let him ruin your enjoyment of the event. It's a once in a life time trip. You're not stupid to want to treat yourself. You deserve a treat. Don't feel guilty for wanting to be happy.

I hate to sound like a panic merchant but a friend of mine became like this and it turned out that he had a severe brain tumour . I'd honestly just cut your losses and go home - your DH needs to see a doctor as soon as possible.

Oh OP that sounds truly terrifying. When you first posted about the eating I did wonder about mirtazapine-I'm on 45mg. It never affected me like that though, but obviously everyone is different.

Have you checked your husband is still moving in the bathroom? I don't want to scare you but if he's been in there for 5 hours I'd be concerned he's done himself something harmful.

How long until your event? I must admit I'm curious as to what it is-would you like to tell us about it as a bit of a distraction?

Sorry this is happening to you op. It sounds very much like something my family went through with my father. I hope you can get some help for yourself, you don't need to take this on anymore and ime it will only get worse.

The side effects of his meds do seem to match - if he’s experiencing those on top of generally being quite difficult that sounds like a terrible combination. So tough for you to deal with. Hope you can get done support there and not miss your special event.

Trying to find what medication he's on is a good suggestion, you can search for the side effects just in case it's that

I hope you are ok op.
I think you need to get hold of a dr there tbh and try and get him seen immediately. He sounds very unwell to me and if he is being verbally aggressive to you and the kids where he wouldn't normally be, then it's potentially quite dangerous. I'm a mental health professional and what you are describing is a bit alarming.

This sounds very stressful and risky. Please keep checking in op. Can you go home after your event? I too think placating him and keeping the dc away till you get home might be the safest. Totally understand if you can’t live with this anymore, while I appreciate it’s an illness it also sounds like it’s been him and if he’s not trying to help himself and hasn’t for many years... do you think he’s actually taking these tablets?

Missed that he’s been in bathroom for 5 hours. Is great he asleep? Sick? I’m sure you’ve checked on him but is there someone in hotel who could help?

No one, absolutely no one is depressed for 20 years.

Don't spout bollocks about things you know nothing about. I've been depressed for decades, plenty of people have. Sometimes it's just the way your brain is wired.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP and I really hope you can see your event then get home safely. Don't beat yourself up - on top of everything else you're going through you don't need that. Be kind to yourself.

Honest answer - I'd get online and book your flights home. Today.

If he is having a manic episode, you need to be at home.

Forget all thoughts of dream holidays, you're having a shit time anyway.

Does he take recreational drugs?

Make plans to leave op, sounds like he's an unkind man and you deserve better. Do what it takes to stay safe until you're home safe then separate.

Stay, take your children to the event, then get home ASAP. Maybe your DH can be helped, maybe he cant. Either way, you probably need to make it not your problem, going forward.

Right now, though, you need to keep yourself safe, and your children safe. I think the suggestion to call your travel insurance helpline is a good one, and potentially the British Consul. Are you able to say what country you are in?

Oh dear. What a shame something you have looked forward to for so long is turning into a nightmare.
You said he is just like his father, OP. (Which suggests not 100% MH, more like some element of learned behaviour is in there). Can I ask what happened to his Dad? Is he still alive? Does he have a recognised condition?
This is unlikely to be a brain tumour or huntington's if he is just the same as his Dad who is still alive.
Hope you get some enjoyment from your event, and you get home ok. After that, I think you know what you need to do. Good luck.

Op I really empathise with you. I know how scary dealing with this is, and away from home too.

Do what you planned then get home and encourage him to see the dr.

Maybe the new meds will settle down and start working soon, hopefully.

Can you leave very early without him for the special thing?

I assume he won't try to join you or if he does he won't kick off in public in front of others?

I honestly think you need a new room away from him - I'm worried about your safety.

If you could try to go to the special thing with the girls you may really feel it's a new start - your marriage is over, it's time to leave - when you get home you are not staying with him.

I strongly believe you need to get you and the kids home lovely. If it is indeed a medical problem (I think so) then hopefully you can claim on your medical/holiday insurance and take your kids back next year. You need to start making a plan, even if just in your head, for when you get home. I think your dh probably needs hospitalising but in the event that he is not willing you need to get safe. Can you please book a b and b or hotel and get yourself an emergency meeting with womens aid? I'm a few weeks further down the line than you are so pretty raw for me too. I'm here though if you need to talk

Does he travel a lot - maybe being in unfamiliar surroundings has pushed him too far in his ability to cope. Overeating and dry mouth are common for certain medications and if you are in a hot country - he should be be drinking plenty.

Could he go home on his own? I suspect he is reliant on you.

Hope you are ok Harpie.

Are the dc going with you for the event in a few days?

I am not sure I would want to be leaving them alone with him under these circumstances.

I dont know the medication, but is it possible that with change of meds, change of routine, not being at home has escalated his anxiety, so not just the side affects of the meds.

I do think that you should do what you have planned to. Your dh does need help. I hope one day that he realises how you have helped him all these years. Its ok to be tired and fed up. You cannot carry this load alone.

OP I really feel for you.
Please protect yourself.
Make sure you know how to contact emergency services, and find out if they have an English speaking line.
Ensure you have a bag packed with essentials in case you need to leave in an absolute emergency.
Have your passports photographed on your phone. (Important, do it now)
Check if your insurance covers flights home etc in an emergency.
Nobody on this thread can predict the actions of a man in this situation. Medically, you won’t find out overnight what’s wrong with him. It could be anything . He could flip and hurt you.
Also there’s the possibility that he’s just abusive aswell, and that his behavior will escalate now he has you in a remote place, with a different legal system. You can’t placate a man like this, they can go from 0-100 in seconds, especially when they CAN, eg no familiar neighbours /friends to intervene. Whatever you decide to do you must a) not tell him you’re doing it as it may be inflammatory, and b) think about what will happen afterwards....
eg. If you side step him to report his behaviour to local medical team/ hotel staff/ police etc and they seem there’s nothing wrong with him or that there’s nothing they can do , you put yourself at more risk when he returns, angry with you.
But from the bottom of my heart, take care.
You must be really frightened here.