Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

I think it might be best to see what your options are for getting early flights home and get home as soon as you can.

But if you do plan to go home, please just don’t tell him your plans , go without him.

Change your flights and come home. You and the children don't need to do this. I get that this trip was important to you but it's not worth it.
You need to get out of this relationship. 20 years is way way long enough.

why are you the sole earner and carer. if he isn't working he can do the childcare. and it's mean of him to ruin everything for you.

As for his new symptoms/ behaviour:
Common side effects of mirtazapine include:
• Drowsiness.
• Weight gain.
• Dry mouth.
• Increased appetite.
• Constipation.
• Lack of energy.
• Weakness.
• Dizziness.

That sounds terrifying. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.

I've no real advice but I hope you're safe op

www.rxlist.com/remeron-side-effects-drug-center.htm
It says that to contact the doctor if you experience hallucinations, this may be what he is experiencing but not recogizing that is what it is.
The open mouth thing could be dry mouth, maybe it's becoming tender/sore.

The repetitive compulsion to bite his nails and fingers and scratching his nostrils. My mum did this when she had Alzheimer’s. I’m sorry o but I think he needs to be seen by a professional. What you are describing could have a nurological cause

Oh OP, I'm so sorry and so worried about you. Perhaps you could just stay for your event and then try to come straight home?

Please keep posting on here as and when you're able to and we'll all try to support you as best we can.

A pp mentioned a brain tumour, I know someone who had been mostly a nob most of his life(low-level abuse, manipulative, nasty when alone, etc) but then turned into a complete bastard in the space of three months. He had a brain tumour. Hope its not, but just a suggestion.

I feel sorry for you, and especially sorry for your DC being forced to live with someone like that.

@holidayharpie - He sounds unwell, and he sounds abusive. You can be both.

In fact, he sounds like he's in the full throes of a breakdown - and with any underlying MH issues, he needs intervention. You don't have to do this, though. You can just get out if you can. But what I'm saying is that his behaviour will not go away unchecked. I think you know that.

I hope you get the trip you so badly want - and need.

some of the symptoms sound similar to a family member who had undiagnosed bipolar for many years

I’d put my money on it being the medication. Mirtazipine has a black box warning in the US for potentially causing mania and/or exacerbating existing psychiatric problems. I’ve never taken it, but I have had a similar bad reaction to a medication. Also he might have stopped taking it, which can cause the same issues.

As for practical solutions -
do you have access to a medical helpline via your travel insurance? If so I’d call them to discuss.
Does your insurance cover him for psychiatric issues given it’s pre existing
Either you stick it out or you go home.
Can you afford to go home early? If not then that option is off the table.
Can you arrange alternative accommodation for you and the kids? I’d do this as a bare minimum because for whatever reason he doesn’t sound safe to be around.
Make someone at home aware of what’s happening and keep in contact with them.

Didn't want to read and not post... so sad that you are going through this . Can you ask the kids if they'd like to go on a couple of booked tours with you and leave him to sleep ? It sounds a very disturbing situation or you all .

Suggestions of full health checks, brain tumours and B12 injections are not going to help the OP right now are they.

I really feel for you op.
You need to take some ownership of the situation however, if you’re scared imagine how your children are feeling.
He is not being a good role model but by putting up with this and not dealing with the situation you’re not being a great one either.

You need to speak to your hotel and get him out, he’s being abusive and you’re concerned about the safety of yourself and your children.
Send him away with his passport and enough cash to get himself home, absolutely no more.

Get a family member to enter your house and remove his belongings/ change the locks because no doubt he will take his anger out on your possessions.

You need to contact the police in the UK too about his behaviour and how concerned you are about not only his safety but people who he is with.

His medication explains his constant hunger. I was on these for a while and found myself getting up in the middle of the night and raiding the fridge.

I would say that there’s more going on than just depression and he needs to see someone, this is hard because he’s likely to act completely normal in front of a professional. You can tell this GP what you have witnessed but can’t discus things with them, you can tell them your concerns about his odd behaviour.

Most importantly you must not feel you have to help or look after him, your priority needs to be you and your DC, your DC are obviously upset by his behaviour so I would be getting out of there with the dc and keeping them safe from him. I left my depressed dh 4 years ago, it was the best thing I did for all of us including him, he’s now in a much better place, still not a great father but when he does see the dc he’s not grumpy and depressed (as he only has to hold things together for a few hours), my kids are much more relaxed at home, no one has to tread carefully anymore.

Would you enjoy your event if you went OP? Can you consider coming home and getting help from family. I feel for you, I really do.

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this but I'd say it's definitely worth going to the GP and asking for him to be investigate for Wilson's disease.

It's a hereditary condition where copper builds up int he system. Sufferers tend to be middle aged when they start getting odd psychiatric and physical symptoms, which would match what you describe in your OP. Especially as a parent had the same symptoms - all the PP saying it could be addiction etc are missing that the DH's Dad suffered from the same.

I hope you can hold on and have your special day. Whatever state he is in he's obviously aware that it's coming up and either the illness or his meanness is trying to sabotage it for you.
However i think you should talk to someone at the hotel. Find a staff member at reception and just say you are not ok with your husband. Just having the staff at the hotel aware that you are in a vulnerable position will ensure you have people around looking out for your family.

ring your husband’s doctor and explain how your husband is. The doc won’t tell you anything but will act to inform Foreign Office etc. is necessary

Good God, there is some terrible advice on this thread, as well as some good stuff. GPs do not have some sort of hot line to the Foreign Office (I'm a GP). I feel very sorry for the poor OP and her children, but she has chosen to take her mentally ill DH to a developing country. She will have to sort this out; it's not something her GP can do. In fact, medical defence organisations advise GPs against getting involved at all with the care of patients when abroad, as you are not in a position to assess them properly.

I agree with all those saying he is likely reacting to the mirtazipine and/or having a psychotic episode. He needs to be assessed by a doctor locally, regardless of whether or not it's covered by the travel insurance. This is as much a medical emergency as if he was having a heart attack. You have to get him help, OP. I am so sorry that your holiday is being ruined, and it sounds like he may be an arse when he is well, but at the moment he is very, very ill. Please get him some help.

op needs to get through this next week on holiday. ask him if he wants to stay at the hotel while you go out and about? have a discussion about his behaviour and how it is not acceptable. dont film him, that is bound to cause a reaction

Mirtrazipine causes huge appetite increase and sedated so that explains the eating and snoring. I’m not aware of the mood swings but I do know you are recommended at least 6 weeks to adjust to any side effects of f new meds. At the very least he has been incredibly irresponsible changing his medication just before going away with you for your dream trip, on the other hand it does indicate that he is aware and is trying to make changes for the better.
Sorry you’re having such a shit time