@holidayharpie I’ve just stumbled across your thread and it’s taken me back to where I was nine years ago. I too married a man that I got together with at 18, who then developed mental health issues, and by the end would scream and shout and have us all walking on eggshells whilst he was sweetness and light to the rest of the world.
I remember once driving home with him screaming and swearing at me the whole way, and then walking through the front door and watching him change from bile-filled monster to charming man in front of the babysitter. I was utterly shellshocked and could barely string two words together, whilst he merrily chatted about nothing.
The damage this does to you - especially when you feel like the rest of the world can’t see the truth - is horrendous.
He used to get particularly angry if he ever heard me crying, because I was damaging his mental health to do so. He once kicked in the bathroom door to berate me. I never cried in front of him, but if he heard it it was me actively hurting him. My pain wasn’t real, everything was about him.
I posted on mumsnet for years under several user names about him, and everyone was so kind. Yes there were the impatient lot too, but our lives are real and in reality things don’t happen overnight. I gave him chance after chance. Finally I realised that he would never be who I needed him to be, and that yes he is mentally ill, but he’s also a controlling abuser and it was not my job to be his punchbag.
I finally left, and a weight that I had no idea existed, lifted from my shoulders overnight. I remember dancing around the kitchen with my children, and it all being amazing. There were bad days and hard times, but I remember how often and how silently I would cry and how hopeless life felt. I remember wishing away my years, waiting for things to get better, but they never could with him.
The things I thought would be hard - being an adult alone for the first time - were not. They were so much easier because I didn’t dread coming home. I could finally walk around the whole house without worrying about where he was and what mood he was in.
But the biggest change has been the children. They are so happy now. I hadn’t seen just how on edge they were until it was gone. They are all thriving, and so am I. Without that huge drain on my energy, I have been able to spend my time on the things that I love.
I’m remarried now, to a kind and gentle man. He thinks about me and I think about him. We look after each other - I had no idea a relationship could be like that.
I also have animals and live in the countryside, and it’s so lovely to feel like this is my place to escape to, and not somewhere I am isolated.
I know how hard it is to leave, and I know it takes time, but deep down you know that this isn’t just mental illness. This is who he is. He doesn’t know how to treat you all well. Take all the time you need, you will get there. There is a great big light at the end of the tunnel and it involves dancing with your kids around a kitchen. Best of luck 