Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

I filmed his odd sleep behaviour and he said
'I'm going to fucking film you all the time. You're disgusting. I'll film you gurning and being disgusting and show everyone'
I have no idea what he meant.

Are you in the UK? If so, I would call his doctor first thing in the morning. If not, ask at the hotel for advice on how to contact a doctor in the country where you are (or call your gp at home and ask their advice long distance).

It does sound like he is having some kind of mental health break down, quite possibly related to the medication. I think you need to side step him, even though this might feel uncomfortable, and get some medical help. He is not in a position to help himself at the moment. And given that it is frightening for you and the children, you're justified in getting some outside help just on those grounds.

If he's usually a reasonable person and you normally have a loving relationship, when he has come out of this he will be ashamed at how he is behaving now. Think of it this way: right now, it's the medical problem/medication reaction talking; when he is himself again, he will be as horrified by what he's doing/saying now as you and the children are.

I'm really scared now.
I just want my mum. I feel utterly pathetic.
I'm so sorry
Thank you all.

He’s being defensive.

That does sound medical rather than simply arseishness

I agree with this.

You could try to ring the normal mental health team he's under and explain the situation, they should be able to advise you in some way on the phone

Good advice.

I'm so sorry OP. I really hope that you can still draw some pleasure from this important holiday.

cross posted, sorry. Just saw where you are.

tbh, even if you are on the holiday of a lifetime, if his behavior is this bad and he's having a break down, you are not going to enjoy it. You can always have another holiday. If you have travel insurance and this is a medical emergency, you may be able to get help to come home and some reimbursements.

Do you know what medication he is on? Maybe someone more knowledgable on here might be able to advise you if his change in behaviour could be down to that

How much longer do you have left of your holiday?

I agree with calling his mental health team for advice. It sounds frightening.

One week in, one week left. The main thing I want to do, and have wanted to do since I was little girl is in 2 days. I can't let him take it from me.
I have been the sole earner, cared for dc, fine everything for 20 years. He can't take this.

You're not pathetic at all -- this can be very frightening. Go ahead and call your mum too. I'm sure she won't mind being woken up.

Here are some links that might help you find immediate support:

www.gov.uk/guidance/foreign-travel-advice-for-people-with-mental-health-issues (How to contact your embassy if you need help right away)

travelhealthpro.org.uk/factsheet/85/travelling-with-mental-health-conditions (useful links at the bottom)

Brilliant links @EllaEllaE

He's just come in and when I said
'We should go for dinner'
Said
'Shhhhh now' and put his finger to his lips. He's locked in the bathroom now.

Thank you so much for links.

Can you get some space away from him or is he around all the time? I'd want to keep my distance a bit and if he starts raging I'd be tempted to ask the hotel for help (medical, even police if necessary)

My mum told me to not let him come. She said he was 'hard work and mean spirited' but I defended him. I feel so upset and so stupid.
These behaviours are new but he has form for ruining everything I want to do.

Can depression make someone act out learned behaviour? It's really freaking me out.

Go for dinner without him. Get some space. But I'd also be keeping hold of those numbers because he sounds like he's getting worse.

Fine, but you need back up. I started my nervous breakdown alone on holiday in Lagos, so I know of what I speak.

1. ring someone at home for support and advice. Make sure they have ALL your details, including your travel insurance policy, so they can help you from UK if necessary.

2. tell someone local. Hotel manager, local doctor. Explain the situation and that you and the kids may need help to remove yourselves from husband, who may need emergency psychiatric treatment.

3. get contact details for the nearest British consulate.

4. ring your husband’s doctor and explain how your husband is. The doc won’t tell you anything but will act to inform Foreign Office etc. is necessary.

Don't feel stupid. You had no way of knowing his health was going to take such a nose dive. And we all want to believe the best of people we love. Your mum is probably going to care more about helping you and comforting you than saying 'i told you so'.

It really does sound like he is having a psychotic episode. And even if he's not, you sound very frightened. If you're staying in a hotel, it really might be a good idea to go downstairs and talk to someone who works there. Ask them if they can call a doctor for you, or at least find a number for someone you can call in the morning. Basically, find another adult where you are right now who you can talk to in person.

I can sympathize with how you feel about the event you came to see, but it will still be there in the future. It might feel like your only ever chance to see it, but it will still be there. You can make another trip.

Hang on in there.

You could call the British Consul and ask their advice about having him sent home.

Are you taking malaria tablets?

Certain anti-malarials can cause psychotic behaviour.

Please try to get help. This sounds terrifying.

I'm trying to be as gentle as possible, but no 'once in a lifetime' event is worth being around someone who is either off his meds, having a bad reaction to meds, or possibly using illegal drugs instead of prescribed meds. And nothing, nothing could be worse than him having a mental breakdown or psychotic event in a remote area of a developing country.

Early Modern Parent has given you an excellent 'check list'. Do what they advise! I had a friend (decades ago) who had a psychotic break in Mexico. It was a hellish time for him and his family trying to get him stabilized and get him safely home.

Is there any way he'd consent to leaving early on his own to seek help at home? Would he be in any condition to fly alone?

He sounds extremely unwell. To the point I'd be worried about everyone's safety. If he won't be honest to the doctors I think someone needs to do it for him.

Oh and whatever else you do, please gather the family passports, tickets, and travel documents and discreetly hide them from him.