Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

Op I hope you are ok. Please be safe x

@HennyPennyHorror what's your point? My point was you could have mental health problems, and still be a not nice person. He's got depression, but depression hasn't been his whole personality. Op says he has form for ruining things for her.

DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself

Space not being "nice" is PART of mental health problems. Not seeking help is also part of them.

There's nothing to gain from saying "he sounds awful" and similar things. Nothing.

Mental illness isn't something people can help...it's just there. Depression causes people to be quite awful...it's pointless to knock the man's personality and so on.

Sounds stressful OP hope you and kids are ok & you get to enjoy the event you went for

@Mary1935 your message has really hit home. You're totally right.

I'm not disagreeing that depression can cause people to be awful. No matter how ill someone is, emotional or physical abuse is not acceptable under any circumstance.

Op I hope you and your dc are ok.

I'm another one wondering if this is totally a new thing with him i.e. Is he normally quite difficult and he's behaving worse?

Are you able to share where you are to see if there is more specific help available?

Are the children scared too? You must feel so upset, holiday of a lifetime after working so hard to pay for it and this is how he behaves? I think this is the final straw for you now. Please don't let him ruin your trip but equally you need to remain safe. You shouldn't have to worry about your safety with your own husband. Something is clearly very wrong.

Thinking of you

We're not taking malaria meds. I am going to find the medications.

I have been an utter fool. He's been getting worse for years. I've convinced myself it's ok. I am a 'fixer'
I can't do this anymore

I had a friend who started on antipsychotics, it sounds SO similar to that. She couldn't stop eating - and it was things she would never normally eat (like Burger King). She couldn't control the hunger, and had the mouth thing too.

Could that be a possibility? He might be embarrassed or ashamed (unfortunately) to admit that's what he's been given. It just is ringing so many bells for me.

The mouth thing he may well be aware of and find humiliating, which is why he reacted as he did to the filming. TBH if someone did that to me without discussing it first I'd be mortified and view it as a massive breach of trust. I understand you did it with the best of intentions but I can understand why someone was upset if there was no discussion/agreement first.

I hope you get to visit the place you've wanted to since you were young.

I also hope your husband manages to get back to the UK and his doctor as soon as possible as he doesn't sound well enough to be travelling. My worry is mental health isn't taken as seriously as physical health. E.g. if someone fell and broke their leg, we wouldn't have them walking through the desert but when someone has a mental health crisis there's never quite the same understanding that someone really needs to go home.

Where in the world are you? Can you access psychiatric help where you are?

If he has changed his medication I also wonder if he is on an anti-psychotic. I know someone who was and they had an uncontrollable appetite and also slept from 4.30pm all night and could not be woken.

I can't make him.
He's definitely delusional and is accusing me of lying and keeps shouting at me.
I am going to hold on and see what I came to see. I fully understand that this is mad to many of you but it has cost me a months wages for the one day event. I know it was stupid to book it. I know I am stupid to persist but I need to do this or I'll hate him. He's taken so much from me.
I am going to make him see a dr and if he won't I'm going to make him leave. I can't take any more.
He has had mild tantrums before but this is vicious.
The mouth thing is upsetting me, but I can cope with an unwell man, not a vicious one.

This is his medication

Can you speak to the hotel about getting another room? I know the event is important but you and your children need to be physically safe

I take mirtazapine, 45mg a day. It does have the side effect of weight gain through increasing appetite, but I don't think it's meant to induce paranoia. I wonder if he's not actually taking it.

His behaviour is unacceptable, no matter what medications he's on. Have your special day and do your best to live in the moment, and enjoy it: then I would seriously consider taking yourself and the children home, and leaving him to do what he wants. You can't live like this.

www.nhs.uk/medicines/mirtazapine/
Might explain a lot
Yes you must hang on for your event, another 48 hours is such a brief period when you’ve waited so long and worked so hard to be there.
Good luck

@ColdAndSad
I'm currently very very hot and sad, maybe you should come here and W can be warm and try a little happiness ?
Thanks for your message, I will take your advice.

Thanks everybody, you're all so kind. Thank you

He's been in the bathroom since my last message. It's ridiculous. I don't know what more I can do to help this msn. I need a break.

Thanks, harpie--I wish I could!

I forgot to say: mirtazapine has a sedating effect, so he will be sleeping more especially if he's only just started taking it; and it causes really vivid dreams, which some people can find disturbing, so it's possible that he's feeling thrown off balance by that too.

Not that it matters. You deserve better.

Oh OP, i’m sorry this is happening to you and your children.

You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves

the First priority should be your safety and the kids safety. The situation sounds quite scary. Please don’t try to tackle his behaviour head on during the holiday. Just placate him until you get home and can remove the kids to safety

I know this sounds a bit unlikely, but could he possibly have a physiological disease causing psychiatric symptoms? I'm thinking of something like Huntington's.

Ignore him as much as you can and enjoy your special day. Don't let him steal that from you.

Then get him out as soon as you get home. He's an abusive prick, OP, not ill.

I was given mirtazapine specifically to try and boost appetite (tube fed from a stomach disorder) and reduce nausea so that probably explains why he’s eating so much.

I had to stop it because I felt it made my mental health unstable despite it being unlike that before.

The mouth thing though... I can’t explain, sorry.

I hope you get to your event, please don’t feel stupid for booking it, this is not your fault.