Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

The Abuser Abroad:
A safety guide

It sounds, from the description of the holiday, like he has a combination of behaviours he can and can’t control.

Compulsive eating, sleeping, mouth open etc.

Just because he is abusive doesn’t mean there’s not also something wrong with him.

Certainly no-one can diagnose him on the internet, which is why he needs to see a doctor ASAP, or OP needs to go herself and discuss his symptoms with one.

@holidayharpie I've skimmed the thread and read all your posts, and I don't think anyone has mentioned this, but I apologise if I'm retreading old ground. If and when you make plans to leave, please take care of your animals. It is not uncommon for an abusive person to make threats to hurt or kill their partner's pets, or to actually do it, as a way of getting at them, and it's obvious to me from your posts that you love animals of all kinds and it would be a potential line of attack on you.

I have to agree with a pp that there are danger klaxons going off in my head when I read about this man's behaviour. He seems to me to be a likely candidate for some kind of extravagantly devastating act of revenge if you don't toe the line with him. I get that some of it fits in with the change in medication but I don't understand why he seems able to control himself in front of strangers but immediately starts raging when it's just you and him. If he was in the grip of psychosis I would assume he would be like that whoever was watching, wouldn't he?

Hi OP, I also left a horrible H (much briefer marriage). I have some fairly hideous memories of holidays away together - my, how he ratcheted up the drama. I do understand that it's not as simple as walking away immediately. You need rl allies - I'm glad you're meeting your friend. Please also do call Women's Aid or similar local organisation. I know you'll feel things aren't bad enough, and you're using up resources that some other (worse-off) woman needs, but that's really not the case. This is bad enough to justify you getting some support.

You have to set aside your softer feelings for a while, and do what you need to do to get out of this situation. You are not helping him by soaking up his abuse. That doesn't make the abuser better.

@holidayharpie I just wanted to add my voice to wish you good luck. I have been following your story and I think you sound very together and love your children.

Please ignore the people trying to bully you. You will sort this out. You can do this.

One very odd thing is his total change in language. He's using expressions and speaking in a really odd way

My bi-polar friend did this. When she was manic she'd talk in really weird rhymes and fancy phrases that sounded very convoluted and made no sense at all. She'd also do this weird thing where it was almost like she was playing word association by herself. Is the throwing stuff away unique to the holiday or does he do it at other times? She used to fairly regularly get rid of loads of stuff for completely random reasons.

Hugs for you OP, it sounds hell xxx

" ...which is why he needs to see a doctor ASAP, or OP needs to go herself and discuss his symptoms with one."

Yeah, he needs to see a doctor - but it is NOT the OP's responsibility to go and discuss his symptoms - she's not his mother and she's not his carer! She's his abused wife and she's trying to work out how to NOT be his abused wife, so it is not down to her to fix this bastard, however ill he might be on top of his abusive behaviour.

Sure, he needs to go and get his meds sorted. HIS responsibility.

Just to add, am.not a Dr obviously but the extreme hunger could be explained by the meds. When I was on them (very briefly, they were horrible for me) I literally couldn't eat enough. I felt absolutely ravenous and eating didn't seem to help. Even when full the point of being sick I'd keep horsing food down, it was disgusting!

You're slipping back into the mindset of him and you against the world. It's so much easier to think this way than recognise the truth.

It's time to wake up. Most people on this thread have given supportive and detailed advice. Don't turn your back on it.

Face the truth about the kind of childhood your children have already had with this man.

Yeah, he needs to see a doctor - but it is NOT the OP's responsibility to go and discuss his symptoms - she's not his mother and she's not his carer

No but she’s his wife and it’s fairly normal for a spouse to discuss a potentially serious health problem with a doctor and get some feedback.

The abuse adds an extra difficulty. But personally, precisely because of the abuse I would want to know what I might be dealing with.

If he suddenly deteriorates, for example, and needs sectioning or she needs to contact the local crisis team, it would help if the OP had already logged the problem with the GP.

There's an app you can download on an a iPad re nanny cam etc. Leave it up and see what you catch. It would be invaluable at the gp when he's claiming he's fine.

It really isn’t so hard to see a doctor in these circumstances. A walk in centre would be appropriate, like, yesterday. He says he’s ill, so unless the op is a doctor there’s nothing she can do , and he needs medical assistance now.

Tatiana - you are trying to suggest that the OP takes on more responsibility for this man. She doesn't need to do that. She has enough to do with trying to work out how to extricate herself from this marriage, not embed herself further into it.

OP you are being abused. The fact that your abuser is going through medical issues is a side note. You are not his mother and don’t have to stay to ‘fix’ him.

Please focus on the needs of the kids to have a stable and safe home first. 💐

I'm with Tatiana here. When my mum's DH was behaving strangely she went and spoke to the GP. It meant the GP could give her some support (although of course he couldn't tell her anything about her DH) and it also meant he had lots more information when things got worse and he went and saw the GP for himself.

Sorry that your mother was also with a psychotic abuser, MyOtherProfile - is she free of him now?

I’m not suggesting OP takes on more responsibility for him. Her responsibly is to herself and her kids and the situation she is in. She’s the only adult in the mix.

Since the holiday OP’s dialled back on the leaving narrative. She might leave him, she might not. It might take some time. Either way it would be sensible to have some idea what she’s dealing with so that she can be prepared.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad quite a leap of inference there! He wasn't a psychotic abuser - sorry you didn't read that properly. He was suffering with MH issues which he was totally in denial of and saw no need to go to the Dr for help. She was able to pave the way with the Dr. Hope you're able to understand that.

There is nothing to stop OP writing to the GP saying she recognises the GP cannot reply to her, but it might be useful for the GP to be aware of how the behaviour/drug reaction is seen by those close to the DH. As it is quite possible that the DH is either unaware or in denial.

It is regular advice given on the elderly parent thread where parents may not acknowledge memory loss, yet it is important that the GP is aware of the full picture.

The GP will probably not understand the problem, and do not be able to treat the DH properly unless OP tells him. The GP can be asked to keep this confidential.

OP sounds lovely and capable. Her main concern will be her DC and then her animals. She has already done a lot in breaking a multi generation cycle of abuse and acceptance.

Will her children be better off finishing school and leaving home before what promises to be an emotional divorce. Or is the behaviour so bad that the line needs to be drawn now. Her DC, particularly her son, are old enough to be drawn gently into her confidence. Especially as the DH is not treating them well either. Perhaps 'I dont think this is acceptable behaviour from
any adult, and plan to do something. However lets get your school exams out of the way first, as your future is my priority. Plus do what I can to get DH in a better place. Do you agree?' It may be that they instead say they would prefer him to leave now. (That happened to a man I know with an alcoholic wife.) It also means that even if OP stays, she is not seen as a doormat or approving of the situation. It also gives planning time.

Oh no, nothing wrong with my understanding - I just assumed that, as you'd equated your mother's situation with the OP's, that your mother was also in an abusive marriage, rather than one where she and her husband actually cared about each other.

Sorry you couldn't see that.

@needmoresleep Im not sure about that.
It’s pretty heavy to put responsibility for ending a relationship of over twenty years in to the hands of children. If they say no and he goes on to do something horrible they’ll be forever guilty.
If they say yes, they want him gone, but then have to live with a mother who is devastated, they may feel they are responsible for their own mothers misery. It just wouldn’t be fair.

Even if he (heaven forbid) had some kind of terrible brain disease or worse.... could you stay with him knowing that the way it manifests is to turn the man into an abusive, offensive, cruel bastard?! And to let him inflict this on your children ?

Dancinggertrude, the DS is 15 and is not being treated well by his dad.

Of course you don't put responsibility into the hands of children, and I did not say that. However there is a weird MN thing that children are children till they turn 18 and over night they emerge as fully formed adults.

This is not the way it works. the DS is a very bright boy. When mine were of a similar age I shared some of the concerns within a family emergency with DC. (Mother, recently widowed and with dementia, and a non cooperative brother, both of whom refused to admit there was a problem, and indeed were actively hostile and nasty. When my mother finally had a fall we discovered that her heating, washing machine and oven did not work, and that she was no longer able to drive a car so was living on Magnums from the local corner shop. It was very important that DC understood that I was doing my best, but was unable to do the right thing.) DC got it, and I think it has done them no harm to realise that the adult world can be quite complex. Not least because Yr 11 can also be quite socially complex. My guess is that both DC, the DS in particular, need to be listened to in a gentle way. It is not all about their father. Otherwise the OP risks them flying the nest as soon and as far as they can, and she loses them altogether.

Totally @needmoresleep I agree with you and I have the same approach with my own children.
However, I think in this case (I remember the other threads) love and fear, and guilt even , are holding the op back. Confirmation from her kids that he needs to leave might be the push that’s needed, but ultimately the op needs this for herself. For her own sanity and self respect.
Pushing the decision onto the kids could lead to resentment down the line , from everyone involved.

Oh now I remember your previous threads! Have no doubt your husband is terribly abusive and controlling. And, assuming I've not got my wires crossed, Freida sends her love and strength.