Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

Ignore whisky. I have reported. If we dont take the bait, it will hopefully fade .

Op - hope you get some rest and come back here when you are ready..

Tell me sweetheart, is posting on this thread one of them? Because if this one of your “good” decisions then you need to seriously question your life choices.

Posting on a thread is hardly deemed a "life choice"...
Also, sweetheart? Wtf is this? Towie? Jeez.

I get that you're exhausted after your trip and probably a little traumatised too but I do think you need to act sooner rather than later for the sake of your dc, I'm not sure you're grasping how fast things can escalate if he's having a psychotic break. My suggestion would be to do the following today or at the latest tomorrow

1/ call your gp or crisis team and explain what's happening/ his strange symptoms/new behaviours and ask for advice.

2/ contact a friend or family member to come and stay with you so you have back up and are not alone with him.

3/ if he refuses to get help as advised by gp/crisis team then you need to be strong, pack him some things and tell him he needs to go - possibly pre arrange somewhere for him to go. It's time to put you and dc first! You don't have to live with this!

And actually I'd be inclined to try and record him if you can so you can show to the GP maybe.

Bloody hell tjetes no need for the vitriol. I was in an abusive relationship and it took ages for me fully extricate myself. Well over a year. I spent a good deal of time on these boards last year listening and taking advice while the scales slowly fell from my eyes and I realised I had to get out.

It's not always as straightforward as it seems and your nasty attitude really won't help, whisky. That's not tough love. That's just being downright spiteful.

I'm not spiteful, I am actually concerned for the OP but it's so frustrating to see nothing changing. She had a thread about him, what, a year ago? What's changed apart from the fact he got worse? Kids at risk too..it's very concerning. So what will be different this time than the last time she starred a thread?

I'm sorry OP for being harsh, but I am actually worried for you and nothing will change unless you take action.

Fair apology whisky but calling someone 'pathetic' because you're frustrated that someone isn't working to your timeline is unnecessarily unkind. I was where the op was a year ago. If someone had told me I was pathetic for being so utterly ground down by a man's poor behaviour that I couldn't even think straight, I may well have given up and stayed with it rather than seek support.

Please, kindness always.

Nothings happening?? It's her life and she's just back from holiday, everyone would need to make plans.
Take all the time you need to make a solid decision for you and your dc, then follow through.

Ok, I see your point.
I'm sorry holidayharpie and I don't think you are pathetic.

Next time he kicks off, ring the police.

contact a friend or family member to come and stay with you so you have back up and are not alone with him.

This is a good idea. A sibling or a friend? Somebody who can be a witness and if he's able to control it in front of other people, well, then it'll make him easier to handle overnight. Perhaps set it up so that they leave and come back, it seems like he starts as soon as the people he's acting normal in front of, leave, so if they drove around the corner, waited 10 minutes and came back having forgotten something there might well be something to witness

Please please take action op. You are damaging your children by staying with the bastard and normalising his actions.

OP, for the sake of your children u need to get this man out. Imagine how they feel when he kicks off. The fear, sadness and all the rest.
I grew up with a parent who was a street angel house devil, my mum put up with it. Now I have children I hold resentment to her for allowing her children to grow up in a hostile environment. Even the sound of a pot lid falling would have made us shake with fear. There is no excuse. Your children come first. I do feel for you, but your enabling him...... Get out before u or ur children become a statistic.

I'll be honest and say my first thought was that he maybe had a brain tumour or something because of the odd behaviour but now knowing that he switches his anger on and off as and when it suits him, it seems more likely that he's just an utter arsehole!

He is repeatedly showing his true colours and you therefore need to 100% think of you and your children now.

He's got to go before he damages them and you anymore

Mental illness is a horrible disease but it doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour. I would advise you the same way as if your partner were an alcoholic.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t fix it

You’ve spent most of your adult life supporting this man emotionally, psychologically and financially. He gets to have zero responsibilities and shout at you and the kids whenever he likes. Yes he maybe mentally unwell but the fact that he can CHOOSE when to act out and he ONLY does it when he is with you and the dc SHOWS he is in control of his appalling behaviour.

Your relationship with your dc will suffer. They didn’t choose to live in a dysfunctional household. They need you to be strong and give them a stable home. You will also benefit from no longer sacrificing your own happiness in the cain attempt to fix someone who doesn’t want to/ can’t be fixed.

Vain not cain

I agree that it is frustrating to see you still in this situation, OP, and I do hope that this holiday will help you realise once and for all that this has to stop.

However, first things first - recover from the jet lag, unpack, then start getting your ducks in a row.

The thing is if you’re the type who always finds a passion or a dream or an interest, then there will ALWAYS be a diversion from real life .
If you’re a reader or a traveller or have kids that are excel ... it’s so easy to fill your brain with that.
But no more op!
Your kids deserve better than this !

When you were on holiday it seemed like you felt change was vital. Now your tone seems like it's changed more to just saying how things are. I hope it's just because you're tired.

Once your children are old enough, they're going to leave. And although they might worry about you, they probably won't come back, because they've had enough of this. Their horrible dad has been all they've known their whole lives.

Yes. That's what I used to get scared about. How my children would be affected.

It is soo good not being complicet in his poisoning of life.