Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

There was more of a big spotlight on his behaviour on holiday, back home he can slink off into the garden and you have your home comforts. I get it, it took me years to leave my (very similar) H. But I'm so glad i did, I shudder to think that I could still be with him!
Gather your thoughts and start making some plans, such as seeking advice from professionals and making a record of his behaviour. Don't lose sight of the end goal

Once your children are old enough, they're going to leave. And although they might worry about you, they probably won't come back, because they've had enough of this. Their horrible dad has been all they've known their whole lives

That would be the positive outcome.

The alternative is they go on to have similar roles in their own relationships because of this. OP saw her mum in an abusive relationship, now she's in one - the cycle will continue.

Op Look up Dysphoric Elation. Basically unpleasant high of bipolar disorder. Can happen as mood swings high (dysphoric instead of more recognisable euphoric) or can be brought on by too much anti-depressant medication ie anxiety and negativity of dysphoric elation misread as depression.
You need to mind yourself and lay down conditions like pp said eg you come with me to dr or we’re over. Have travelled that road OP and like alcoholics it will only work if he WANTS change. Luckily my DH did. It also takes a 3-way relationship with psych dr ie I text just before my DHs monthly meeting and give my update on month, can visit with DH if necessary but nowadays that is rare. Good luck - if you love him it will be worth it - if not then start to deal with the reality of that. Hth

I can see it must seem frightening to be on your own, but think of what you get when you get over that first hump. All that energy that goes into dealing with him, you get to use on other parts of your life. That great night you had with your kids in Cancun, those get to be regular nights, not rare occasions. When your kids grow up, leave home and have their own families, you will be the grandmother who is involved in their lives - do you really think they are going to want him around? Yes, the break up will be hard and stressful, but give yourself the gift of the rest of your life without the mill stone of this man dragging you down.

I would record secretly the next time someone leaves and you know he's going to flip the switch and start screaming/going off again so you can prove what he's really like if necessary.

You do have to get out of there. He clearly has enough control to control himself, but is choosing not to when it's just you and your kids.

Yes. I wish I had recorded my h. It would have been very helpful. A game changer.

Read your full thread Op
I’m glad your holiday trip has had some highlights.
Now to tackle the many headed hydra at home

Please do not let this nasty, selfish man rob you and your children of any more of life’s precious moments.

I think you are drawn to his charismatic self but his real nasty is to be nasty, cruel and vile

He thinks turning on the charm for your parents excuses the abuse he rains on you and his children.

If your daughter came to you with the same problem what would you say to her because that could very well happen.

History could repeat itself right down to the third generation.

Unless the buck stops with you.

Start making plans to wean yourself off him and ease him out of your life for the sanity of the three of you.

He’s going to hate the fact that the gravy train is coming to a halt and his cosy lifestyle is soon to be coming to an end so expect him to change tack and start love bombing you and give you declarations of undying love, guilt tripping you for breaking up the family home

Take a huge step back and look at it objectively and re read this thread , especially the posts you made while you were experiencing deep anguish
In fact I suspect the posts you made were only partially what was really going on and you kept a lot hidden

Make a journal of those days ...and really write down all you felt and experienced...let it all pour out...and read. Over and over again..till you’ve got it

Till you know deep down at the bottom of your heart...that it’s not normal for a husband and father to hole himself up in the bathroom for 5 hours

It’s unhinged

Or it’s manipulative, coercive control.
I hope he goes quietly but I suspect he won’t...why should he. Youve given him a lovely comfortable lifestyle.

You might have to pay him off to get rid..but that might be your easiest option..otherwise he might try to linger like a bad smell.

I also hope he doesn’t try to go for father of the year...sounds like the children have had enough of him as well.

Good luck op...you know what to do

Oops..sorry for the length..

Op, please don't feel bad if you don't instantly kick him out/drag him to the gp.
Hoping you find the strength and please come back for help.

OP I am not sure that you have much emotional support in RL - sounds like your DM and siblings lead challenging lives and are not there for you. It might help if you yourself got some objective professional support to see you through this difficult time.

Thanks for all the comments.
This is a complex situation and it’s going to take time to sort out. I am off to my friends house on Friday and she is my best support in rl so I will talk to her. I don’t have any local support and siblings/parents aren’t capable of providing it.
I know that after a week or so these threads drive some posters mad with frustration and. The accusations of me harming my dc have already started, which I cannot cope with at all. My dc are my life, I do everything for them, I put them first in every situation and will continue to do so, so there is no need to worry.
Thanks again for all the support. I am going to try to sort things out as best I can, but it won’t be quick enough for MNs well adjusted community, most of whom it seems have the emotional, financial and practical support needed to end a 22 year relationship quickly.
I am very grateful for all your comments, especially those who helped me thru the terrible behaviour on holiday.
Thanks again

Harpie - most of us do realise that things take time to organise, honestly!
It's good that you have a RL friend to lean on - hopefully telling her will make things even clearer for you and you'll be able to start a plan to extricate yourself.

Ignore the bullying tactics - they might come from good intentions but they're not helpful when you're already in an emotional turmoil.

Keep us updated IF you want to, when you're in need of further back up or info. - as necessary.

@holidayharpie
It’s really tough.
But you are putting your kids first in every situation except the only one that counts.
It really doesn’t matter about anything else.
You are fortunate that your children aren’t little ones that go to school and chat to
The teachers about your dh’s behavior , because if they did you’d rightly have a lot of safeguarding concerns over your parenting and the decision would be out of your hands.
You need professional advice and fast, before you’re deemed unfit to protect your children from witnessing domestic abuse in their home .

And I think it’s really easy to say that every other woman that manages to extricate herself from a toxic/ long/abusive marriage only does so because she has family/money/support etc.
It isn’t the case. Sometimes women just take a leap of faith and hope someone will catch them, because the alternative is being seriously hurt or killed by the man they’ve loved.

You can do this. You posted earlier about finding a cold hard detached voice (or similar) and it worked.

It is really important that you find a way to hand back the responsibility for his behaviour, to him,on a permanent basis. It is entirely an act of love to him to take away the comfort blindfold that you are for him, so he can see that you can't help him. You both need to see that carrying on as you have been is depriving him (and you) of a healed life and for him at least, a relationship of some kind with his children.

My parents went through something a bit like this in my teen years, and I was very low contact with them for 10-20 years after. I can still find being with them a bit triggering (pulse racing, can't eat) when traces of their old issues recur. And I left home 40 years ago.

You poor thing, this is an awful situation.

Whilst I understand concerns about health issues I think that's a red herring. He was able to put on the charm and behave not just normally but pleasantly in front of the parents, so his behaviour is optional, a choice. He is choosing to behave horribly to you and the children when he could choose to behave differently.

I know it's hard and will take some time to think things through and process but you have a choice to make to.

Are you willing to live with this behaviour? Remembering how it impacts your children too.

Do you think you can go through the difficult times of challenging it to see if he can change? He is already behaving awfully, imagine how he will behave when you stand up against this behaviour. He denies he has a problem so he is unlikely to play ball and agree to change.

If neither of these options is a go then you will have to end the relationship for your own sake let alone for the children's sake.

Good luck

I had a much shorter abusive relationship (3 years) than you. I understand how ground down and powerless you feel and how impossible ending it feels. I became so attuned to his feelings and moods that I forgot I existed and that my needs mattered. It took rl support to help me break free and MN support. I still say that you can’t control it fix him and you certainly didn’t cause his behaviour. You sound like you are on the right road to ending this.

When you got back from holiday the change in your posting was noticeable. Being away from home even dealing with his fuckwittery you sounded strong and fully aware this couldn’t carry on. Once home it’s so much harder not to slip back into old patterns and routines and lose the impetus to change things.

You can do this and your dc will be grateful that the rest of their childhood will be a normal, peaceful one. It’s in your power to change things and I hope you realise that you hold all the cards. He can’t force you to stay on a relationship with him. He will probably try to guilt you into it and possibly threaten suicide. But that’s his choice to be a manipulative twat. You don’t have to live like this, you deserve so much more.

Sounds like possible early onset dementia. He needs to see a GP

Hi Harpie have just read your thread and this sounds very much like what I went through with my ex dp. He had a terrible reaction to mirtazapine, was terrifying to be involved in his breakdown. When he changed medication things did improve. Hope you are ok.

@holidayharpie

It takes as long as it takes, start with a plan! First thing is real life support though Woman's Aid and hopefully your friends.

It seems you do recognise that you need to leave so just slowly and carefully march towards ending the relationship tell the DC that his behaviour is not ok etc.

I completely agree with golden that your H's health issues are a red herring. He is an adult and as such is in charge of his own health. There is not a lot you can do if he is refusing to seek medical support. I suspect now that he is back at home, his mental health will revert back to his 'normal' but even his normal is not good enough.

It is his abuse of you and the children that is what I would focus on. I would have a conversation with him that he needs to move out. Pp suggestion of couching it in terms of a 'trial separation' is a good one. Keep a diary (use your posts on this thread) of his behaviours and how they are affecting you and the children. I would expect his behaviour to escalate. Maybe love bombing, maybe anger/aggression. Probably a mixture of both.

I would then speak to a shl (shit hot lawyer) and ask to go to court for an occupation and non molestation order to get him out of the house and to keep him away from you. You will need your diary as evidence.

I have gone through exactly that in the last two years. It was so tough but my only regret is that I did not do it many years before. Yet I also know that I couldn't have done it before because I wasn't ready. It took me years (and reading many threads about abusive behaviour on mn) to recognise H's behaviour for what it was ie emotionally abusive and then it took a few more years for me to realise that I could and should do something and that I didn't have to stay in my marriage because H was disabled and people would think badly of me.

I had the support of a friend who was going through a similar thing. I had made a mistake of confiding in another friend a few years earlier who basically told me things were not so bad and that I should think of the children and not rock the boat so please do be careful who you choose to speak to.

It will be tough and there may be times when you just want to hide or to let him back home because it's just too tough (I had a couple of wobbles like that). There were so many reasons not to do it but in the end the reasons for doing it were the most important ie us all walking on eggshells, the children being unhappy and scared, showing the children poor relationship example ...

You can do this!

I do feel for you Harpie
I had some horrible holidays in beautiful locations with my exh on account of his behaviour which when we got home seemed to feel quite normal again., so I do understand where you are coming from.

I hope you find the strength to sort it
Now I’m with a much nicer man, it’s like I’m unravelling everything from my previous marriage and reliving it again with different eyes and your dh’s Behaviour sounds much more extreme...the bathroom thing fo eg
But then my husband worked ...so in a way that took the pressure off.

It’s taken a few years with my second husband for things to settle down and me not feel this way.
Thankfully he was kind and patient and let me talk it all out of my system.

All these people diagnosing a man they've never met with dementia and whatever else seem to be willfully ignoring the fact that he is polite, friendly and well-behaved in public but once behind closed doors he flips the switch and is full-on abusive. If it was dementia, frontal lobe damage or god knows what else you've all diagnosed, surely he would display that behaviour irrespective of whether there were witnesses or not? There may well be something wrong with him but he is CHOOSING to control it in front of witnesses and CHOOSING not to control it in front of OP and the children.

Actually OP, can you record some of his outbursts on your phone? Maybe just audio so there's less chance of him realising you're doing it. I'm just thinking that as he's so nicey nicey in public, it might be difficult to get people to believe you.

There should be a book about the dangers of abusive men on holiday.
They really come into to their own don’t they, when they can’t be seen by people they know?!