My huge mummy-tantrum

[Runningkeeprunning]

I've basically had a huge tantrum today infront of my children and my mother and DH.

After my husband booked a last minute break for us (10 month old, 6 year old, DM, myself and him) and me then having to pack everything and organise it all, I stormed off from everyone before finding myself running quickly into the distance from everyone. Never done anything like this before.

I then returned to them, sweaty, crying and shouting at DH infront of my mother and children also.

I've not felt well all weekend after having a bad chesty cough for a week. I also have a coldsore which usually means I am run down and need to get some rest. I told DH I felt exhausted. Yet I've made the lists, I've packed for myself and the kids (it's amazing what you need to take for just the baby!) He had also booked a range of activities so we needed swimsuits, waterproofs, wellies etc the works. Then we arrived and DH had forgotten to inform them of our children's egg and milk allergies (which he seems to find a hinderence) on booking so we had issues with the food etc in the restaurants.
Today we have spent the day outside in red hot sun, I've kept on top of their suncream, sunhats, drinking all day. DM has also helped. DH just seems excited and fun, making jokes, trying to "banter" with me, whilst I am mummy kill-joy who just keeps everyone safe.

He asked me if he could play tennis this evening on returning home as we were walking around. I said yes thinking nothing of it. But I knew that trying to get everyone home in time for dinner was going to be traumatic, so I booked a table at a restaurant for on the way home that is vegan friendly, making the phone call straight after he asked.

DH then went off with DC1 to do an activity, leaving DM and myself with the baby. He was gone for almost 1 hour, meaning we would be late for our table, meaning 2 hungry kids, the baby would danger nap in the car and not go to sleep this evening etc. I told DH we needed to go home as soon as he returned and he says "why?" As if I'm spoiling all his fun. I explained why, as above and added, "you also won't be able to play tennis this evening as DC2 wont go to sleep after a long nap on the way home as he won't nap in the pushchair and I'm exhausted and feel ill." Which was obvious after hearing me coughing all day,now speaking in a croaky voice.

He began to sulk.

We all began walking back to the car in silence and I just had this horrible feeling of "I can't do this..."
The battle with 2 tired children, the battle with him and I turned around and walked away at first, then found myself running. I just wanted to run as far away as possible to sit under a tree and rest a bit.

I found them after pulling myself together 10 minutes later and began crying and shouting at DH that I needed him to be a responsible parent too. That I'm fed up of being mummy kill-joy. That I'm tired and don't feel well and we should have left earlier to prioritize the kids. And why couldn't he think about their food for a change?

My DH and DM are clearly furious with me, but neither have said a word about what has happened, other than "you said he/I could play tennis" and we sat in silence all the way home whilst the kids slept.

Luckily, they went to bed only a little later than usual and DH left to play tennis 10 minutes ago whilst DM silently went home without much of a word.

I'm embarrassed about my huge public tantrum and confused a little myself. I don't feel well and I'm going to bed shortly, but my outburst seemed a little excessive. Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away? I had no issues if the children were fed, happy and in bed, but it was looking like I was going to be up with 2 over-tired children when I'm unwell myself.

I should have said I wanted to go home sooner, but I always get the comments or "banter" as he calls it, about cutting the fun short etc. So I just didn't say anything. I have really struggled all day, but even so, I'm ashamed I had such a tantrum.

What would you take from this? How can I avoid this again?

How can I avoid this again?

Get your DH to help. So you’re not left frazzled and exhausted. Everyone has a boiling point. You reached yours today.

You’re ill. Give yourself a break. Literally.

Talk to DH about why you reached this point, that you don’t want to again, but in order not to again, he needs to step up and parent his children, with you, as a team.

hope you feel better soon.

To start with you shouldn’t have come back after 10 minutes. You should probably have booked yourself somewhere and text him to let him know you are safe and let him look after the kids for the night. He’s the other parent after all.

It sounds like you should both apologise for the tantrum and say you also need to talk about how much you are doing, and be clear that you aren't feeling well. I've learned over time that DH literally does not realise I'm ill if I say things like 'I think I'm coming down with that thing DD had', or 'Actually I'm not feeling brilliant' I have to literally say 'DH, I need you to do X tonight because I have a bad cold and I need to not do anything' before he gets the message.

It sounds like you are overburdened with the admin, and he needs to take seriously things like the kids' timings that may make life difficult for you - you are not being a spoilsport - you are just more aware of the consequences.

BTW, I'm kind of unclear about the timeline you are talking about here - has this happened on the holiday, or after you got back, because you're talking about the holiday, but also going 'home', so I think you may find people are slightly confused about the context here. FWIW

Your husband's a twat but I don't like the sound of how your mother's treating you either. Had she always been like this?

I'm not surprised you were pissed off.

Please don't put yourself down.

Before DH left for tennis, I explained very quickly that although I said it was ok for him to play tennis, he needed to ensure we were home for a reasonable time and the kids were fed, bathed and ready for bed before he left. I said I thought this was obvious as I'm obviously not feeling too great, he has seen it for himself that I'm not well.

He looked at me in a very disapproving way, so I said "ok, so you don't get it?" And he said nothing.

I'm wasting my time. This is why I reach boiling point. Last night we let the children stay up late to watch a show but I requested we leave earlier saying I was too tired, he always has to make me wait a bit longer though. "In 15 minutes..."

I hate saying anything to him as he just makes me feel such a kill-joy. Yet all the shit-work is left to me.

The break was fri-Mon. Today was the final day and we spent it on a family day out at a destination on the route home. We had another 45 minute drive to get home.

My exH used to do this - putting his needs before the kids, pushing and pushing all of us to do more than the kids could cope with (it was especially bad on holidays with hot/overtired/hungry kids - just as you describe). I did use to have the odd meltdown, but he just didn't get it. We're divorced now (for many reasons but this kind of selfishness was one example), solo parent holidays are blissful in comparison!
Not suggesting you LTB in your case if everything else is good, but being the only adult in a marriage is very draining.

Next time just walk away. Let them know you are safe and let your DH be the parent for a decent amount of time.
You need a break. He needs to give you a break. You are meant to be a team

Yep total twat happy to do the fun stuff but not the boring stuff. This is not your fault you have clearly been conditioned into doing everything

Dont back down. Dont engage with him until he realises. If that means you disengage completely then that is on him

Go on holiday by yourself. Tell him you need 24-48 hours rest and recuperation and you’ll take it this weekend, thanks very much. Book a Premier Inn.

Did he book your mum into the holiday to 1) babysit instead of him parenting 2) make you do what he wanted?

It sounds like you are stressed.My DH gets coldsores when he is rundown so it's a physical sign that you need to slow down. So he does. Maybe you should say to DH that when you get them it's a slow down sign so you have to take it handy and he will have to take over rather than ignoring the signs and then getting over stressed. You DM reaction is a bit odd imo.

I think you were about 10 miles past the end of your tether and you just couldn't take it anymore. Your husband should be apologising to you because he's useless.

This is one of the main reasons why I’m staying child free because it’s still women that seem to take the brunt of the responsibility. I’d be having some serious words with your ‘D’H!!!!

Book a Spa weekend (or week!!!) for yourself and let him get on with it and see how hot he feels after being frazzled with a week of actually being a responsible parent!

Agree - why did he book your DM? Was it so she could do child care or was it so she would be his number 1 cheerleader?

Either way your DH is an arse and your DM is a bad parent to you. She should have your back and there is no need for you to be embarrassed - the pair of them however should be dying of shame.

Hope you're ok op. The mental.load is huge

You poor thing

It seems neither your mother or husband are respecting your needs.

You don’t need to apologise. They have no cause to be furious, they should be embarrassed that they have thought so little for you.

You have a few options:

1. Carry on as is - your mental and physical health will suffer
2. Find a time to talk through it all with DH so he can understand your situation and start putting your needs into the equation too
3. Decide what you are and are not happy to do and stick to it. Kill joy or not. You do not need to please your husband or mother if they are driving you to breaking point. If no one else recognises your worth then you need to recognise it yourself.

Agree that you sound stressed and exhausted. My DH used to push the kids to do too much too, until it finally clicked with him that life was much more pleasant all round if we put their needs (for regular meals, naps etc) first and he recognises now that this is temporary while they're small.

However, you are describing behavior and feelings that almost exactly reflect how I used to feel frequently, which I used to keep under control by maintaining a strict routine at home but which would escalate at weekends or on holidays when DH was around (he works a lot!!) and threw me off.

I ended up being diagnosed with anxiety and depression and now feel a million times better on treatment. I'm obviously not saying this is necessarily what's going on with you, but I denied my diagnosis for years, blaming DH and everybody else for their unreasonable behavior, when it was (partly!) my problem all along.

Aww no I hope you're ok OP. It sounds like you're having to treat him like a child since he won't grow up and take some responsibility. You probably need some long overdue alone time even if it's just for a few hours. He needs to step up and support you. One person can only cope with so much before they break so your tantrum is completely understandable.

This isn’t so much a tantrum as a breakdown right?
My child has food allergies and every meal out is anxiety inducing for me. I also find it hard to relax on holiday. Your DH needs to step up. He knows you are unwell and practically exhausted, yet he still asked to go off and play tennis? Where are his priorities?
Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. It all got too much. That’s not a surprise when you do the bulk of the grunt work. The packing for the holiday (for 3 people), the organisation of meal times, the ‘bad cop’ role - also known as being a responsible parent. You are carrying the whole mental load and your DH is picking fun at you and making you out to be a bore. It’s easy for him to play the clown.
You need to have a serious discussion about his ‘banter’. I hate that term. It’s more like bullying if you ask me. It’s wearing you down. He is actually making life harder for you. Please tell him how you feel.

Also just another point to note - I think you have fallen into a bit of a trap of enabling your DH in his selfishness. For example if you were ill and he booked a holiday why did you rush around packing the kids stuff etc? If you do nothing, which is mostly what you should do when ill, then he has to pick up the slack.
Or does he get sulky/annoyed/passive aggressive if you don’t jump to everything he says and perhaps this is why you over reach yourself??

Work out why you overstretch yourself. Yes he is demanding it, but why do you do it? I don’t mean this in a judgey way but I used to push myself too much and in my case I realised it was because I was assuming I had to do this whereas actually when I scaled back DH was happy to step up.

I think Millie is right re: bullying. It's not empathetic at all.

Can you talk a little more about your mum? It sounded so awful, I'm so sorry. It wasn't a tantrum, I don't think. You didn't do anything wrong.

Give yourself a break. You’ve reached breaking point. I got to the point when mine were small that I’d pretend we’d run out of milk so that I could do a late night run to Tesco which would force him to watch the kids for an hour. We’ve all done and said crazy things because sleep deprivation and mental overload. Do whatever you have to do to get through the next few years until they’re all at school. It all gets so much easier. Mine have just cleaned their own teeth and put themselves to bed. Get a cleaner, start saying no to things others think you should be doing, book babysitters, get them in nursery...do what you have to and get time for yourself. You are the most important person in that family. You keep all the balls in the air. It can’t function without you so self care is really important

Mum has messaged to say she loves me and hopes I'm ok, but no word over the 'tantrum.'

Millie- yes re the food allergies. Constant stress figuring out what they can eat and where and how it is prepared. It's something DH doesn't need to think about much and he isn't too fussed at all about their nutrition so would probably be happy with them eating sandwiches most of the time etc.
I could leave the packing to DH, but it would make the break more stressful as he refuses to make lists and packs impulsively so there would be things forgotten. I once left the packing to him for a weekend away and there were no pyjamas 🤣