My huge mummy-tantrum

[Runningkeeprunning]

I've basically had a huge tantrum today infront of my children and my mother and DH.

After my husband booked a last minute break for us (10 month old, 6 year old, DM, myself and him) and me then having to pack everything and organise it all, I stormed off from everyone before finding myself running quickly into the distance from everyone. Never done anything like this before.

I then returned to them, sweaty, crying and shouting at DH infront of my mother and children also.

I've not felt well all weekend after having a bad chesty cough for a week. I also have a coldsore which usually means I am run down and need to get some rest. I told DH I felt exhausted. Yet I've made the lists, I've packed for myself and the kids (it's amazing what you need to take for just the baby!) He had also booked a range of activities so we needed swimsuits, waterproofs, wellies etc the works. Then we arrived and DH had forgotten to inform them of our children's egg and milk allergies (which he seems to find a hinderence) on booking so we had issues with the food etc in the restaurants.
Today we have spent the day outside in red hot sun, I've kept on top of their suncream, sunhats, drinking all day. DM has also helped. DH just seems excited and fun, making jokes, trying to "banter" with me, whilst I am mummy kill-joy who just keeps everyone safe.

He asked me if he could play tennis this evening on returning home as we were walking around. I said yes thinking nothing of it. But I knew that trying to get everyone home in time for dinner was going to be traumatic, so I booked a table at a restaurant for on the way home that is vegan friendly, making the phone call straight after he asked.

DH then went off with DC1 to do an activity, leaving DM and myself with the baby. He was gone for almost 1 hour, meaning we would be late for our table, meaning 2 hungry kids, the baby would danger nap in the car and not go to sleep this evening etc. I told DH we needed to go home as soon as he returned and he says "why?" As if I'm spoiling all his fun. I explained why, as above and added, "you also won't be able to play tennis this evening as DC2 wont go to sleep after a long nap on the way home as he won't nap in the pushchair and I'm exhausted and feel ill." Which was obvious after hearing me coughing all day,now speaking in a croaky voice.

He began to sulk.

We all began walking back to the car in silence and I just had this horrible feeling of "I can't do this..."
The battle with 2 tired children, the battle with him and I turned around and walked away at first, then found myself running. I just wanted to run as far away as possible to sit under a tree and rest a bit.

I found them after pulling myself together 10 minutes later and began crying and shouting at DH that I needed him to be a responsible parent too. That I'm fed up of being mummy kill-joy. That I'm tired and don't feel well and we should have left earlier to prioritize the kids. And why couldn't he think about their food for a change?

My DH and DM are clearly furious with me, but neither have said a word about what has happened, other than "you said he/I could play tennis" and we sat in silence all the way home whilst the kids slept.

Luckily, they went to bed only a little later than usual and DH left to play tennis 10 minutes ago whilst DM silently went home without much of a word.

I'm embarrassed about my huge public tantrum and confused a little myself. I don't feel well and I'm going to bed shortly, but my outburst seemed a little excessive. Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away? I had no issues if the children were fed, happy and in bed, but it was looking like I was going to be up with 2 over-tired children when I'm unwell myself.

I should have said I wanted to go home sooner, but I always get the comments or "banter" as he calls it, about cutting the fun short etc. So I just didn't say anything. I have really struggled all day, but even so, I'm ashamed I had such a tantrum.

What would you take from this? How can I avoid this again?

Go to the gym? I so knackered that any time to myself is spent in the bath or reading a book. I am absolutely drained.

Your DH is an arse. You would be better off without him.

I'd be looking into relationship counselling and giving him an ultimatum that he either starts parenting or you are off.

Running,

Ok, go to a massage/cafe whatever? Would he be happy with this?

It’s hard to ‘just relax’ when the thing your partner is being slack about is your children’s care.

OP describes being out in the hot sun all day where she’s sorting out sun cream, hats, drinks and so on for the children while their dad’s only contribution is ‘banter’. Yes maybe if she was prepared to let the children get dehydrated and sunburnt he’d step up but who’s going to take that risk? And why should she have to?

With DC1 I wore myself into the ground doing everything (high needs baby who did not want anyone except me). With DC2, DH had to step up because I couldn't do it all by myself (difficult pregnancy, followed by birth complications).

I stayed with DH is because he stopped being so selfish and putting his wants and needs first (which he continued to do a couple of years after DC1 was born) and started thinking about the other people in the family. He still has a slight tendancy to plan things without wondering what everyone else is doing (his sports basically) but I got around it by asking every single Friday what he wants us all to do this weekend and gradually he began to tell me in advance that he wants to run/cycle whatever and which day, so we could build our weekend around that and leave me time to myself too.

I also list to him all the things that need doing (e.g. new school clothes, bags, shoes, pens and pencils, tennis rackets etc.) and ask him what he will do and what I will do. Makes him take responsibility. I list to him everything I do for the DC so he can understand. And over the years he has taken on more and more tasks.

Your DH doesn't seem to put anybody in front of himself. And for me, after 6 years, that would be a dealbreaker. does he ever give you some alone time?

No you cant force him but neither should you say he can or give him what needs to happen

He is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his actions. Just as you are and I think you need to clearly tell him this

At the moment you are not a partnership and you are not supported. He is not carrying his weight at all, and if he isnt doing that what is he doing to be part of your partnership. He needs to stop asking you for permission as it is not your choice if he does this or not you are not his mother. You are however his partner and he needs to remember that and take that into account when making decisions. Because if he doesnt then you may have to look at what choices you can make. Then he wont have anyone infringing on his freedom

Yes he sounds like a bit of an arse but you also sound aggressively martyr-y, TBH.

Also, I would resist thinking of ‘time off’ just as going out of the house to do a hobby or whatever. You’re too knackered, like you say. And it sounds like the important thing for you is not ‘time off’ from being in the house, it’s ‘time off’ from being the one on duty - packing, reapplying sun cream, planning ahead for food. He’s managing to get that kind of ‘time off’ for himself for most of the holiday, where’s yours?

Feel so sorry for you OP! You didn’t have a tantrum you are having a mental breakdown due to the overload of doing all the practical aspects of parenting while your husband gets to play fun Disney dad.

You’re unwell. You do all the mental workload of parenting while your husband plans all the fun stuff. You are run down and he wants to go play tennis - a real “partner” as part of your “team” would know the night time kids routine better and let you get an early night.

He probably sees parenting as Kodak moments like fun holiday, kicking soccer balls, etc. he has no concept of the drudge work. Have you protected him from it ? Does he know all the little things you think of and worry about for the kids and how utterly draining it is for you to feel so alone ? Why doesn’t he care about you more, sense when you are strung out and need a break? Does he really deeply love you or are you a wife robot to him who isn’t functioning as she is supposed to?

As for you Mum - is she traditional and thinks women should do everything parenting wise for the kids ? Why was she there on holidays with you in the first place ? Is it possible she was keeping hush for now so as not to infuriate the situation? If she cares about you surely she would be concerned to bear witness to such an awkward / tense holiday that turned sour between her daughter & SIL. Undecided on the Mum at this point...

The not caring about their allergies enough to even mention it when booking a holiday that had a food component would boil my piss. It’s just such a basic thing. If he sees it as an irritation that to me is a warning sign of someone who is very Disney dad - he isn’t caring about his kids at that higher level. They are play things, his cute little legacies. Nutrition & allergies aren’t things that concern the Disney dad

He doesn't sound worth having around tbh. Your life would probably be a hell of a lot easier without the angst he causes.

I am spending today in bed.
He is having to look after the children and I am just going to completely switch off. I have a banging headache and feel so low.

Seriously, I have tried so hard to get him to contribute equally. Last month, my DC had a party after DH said he wanted her to have one. I wrote a list of all the tasks and said they needed to be shared equally. He agreed and we initialled each task with who would do what.

He literally did one thing in the end. Because 3 days before the party, he still hadn't sorted balloons, cups, plates, party bags etc and we had a busy weekend so I knew there wouldn't be time without him having to lean on me to watch the kids whilst he went off for half a day to sort it all out. He leaves everything to the last moment, which inconveniences not just him, but me too.

So I did it all other than the invitations.

Even left work inbetween appointments to collect the party bags which I got pre-made in the end as there wasnt time to make them up.

So even if we sit down and split tasks equally. He still does his own thing anyway.

This was something I went through with my DH. You end up being the "safety net" for everything because you NEVER drop the ball.

My DH would happily spend the weekend sleeping on the sofa while I ran around and did everything, he was hopeless at looking after the DC (and I'm talking spectacularly poor judgement and lack of common sense to the point that I would worry about their safety) and I just had to pick up the slack. He had no concept of meal times or naps and sun cream/hats would never have even entered his head.

We nearly separated a few times but had counselling and some awesome rows and I think in the end he finally realised that the default CAN NOT be that you do NOTHING until specifically asked or instructed.

These days he's very supportive, helpful and much, much more considerate to me and to the kids. If he'd been this person from the start life would have been so much easier. I think my mum was seriously ready to clout him with a frying pan at times.

In terms of the tantrum, if it makes you feel any better I buggered off for an entire day once. Slammed the front door and went off to a museum and lunch by myself, left him to it.

I guess I'm saying that your DH may be capable of changing his mindset and consequently his behaviour, mine was. But you are the only one who can really gauge whether that's something he will ever do and whether you can live with in the meantime or potentially forever it if he doesn't.

I'm so sorry OP, it's a hell of a burden mentally and physically. I agree with other posters that you need some time to yourself and ideally some practical help if you can find it.

That sounds really tough for you @palmaviolet. I'm glad your DH changed his ways. Mine doesn't really lie on the sofa but does wait for instructions before doing things a lot of the time. When he does the practical things, he does them really well too, he just takes on very little mentally.

Mine still hasn't fully digested the difficulty of increasing from 1 DC to 2.

Why on earth would anyone marry a sulker? It’s the most intolerable behaviour

I don’t think having a tantrum is commendable (especially in front of children), and you should apologise

Don’t apologise. He will take that as a sign that you didn’t mean all the things you said.

It is difficult when it all falls to you, but it seems your problem is you have two different approaches to life. You are a list maker and he is laid back. If you need to make the lists, allocate the tasks and if he fails it’s on him. Just make sure his tasks aren’t the ones which seriously impact the children.

You can probably relax a little and take the stress off you. The children didn’t need a bath and hair washed, they could have gone to bed a little later. Don’t sweat the small stuff. They aren’t going to fall apart without pyjamas. The last party we did, everything was ordered on Amazon.

I have been in the same situation and it took a couple of tantrums before he got it. We work really well as a team but the emotional load was falling to me and it was too much. I pointed out to him he seems capable for running a department at work, but incapable of remembering DD has an appointment today. I also reminded him that he seems able to remember the stuff that’s important to him, no reason he can’t remember the stuff that’s important to me. It worked. It’s not perfect but it is much better.

You can also lower your standards if you choose, operate a sort of work to rule. Let things slide a bit, maybe. Particularly things that impact his comfort and wellbeing. Make yourself a bit less reliable.

Particularly things that impact his comfort and wellbeing

Yes! Try not doing his washing, see how that goes.

Stop being HIS safety net. With the party it was your children please dont with them. But yes really make him step up for himself

At the moment he has freedom to come and go as he pleases and you to look after him

Poor you op. I really hate that feeling when you feel embattled on all sides. Your mother sounds good - she stepped up and bathed and put the kids to bed - her passive reaction over your understandable meltdown may be because she didn't want to be seen to be interfering in your marriage .

Can't understand why people are getting at you for "being a martyr" when all you are doing is making sure your DC are fed and rested reasonably on time like any other decent mother would. It's your DH who deserves blame if you don't mind me saying, he sounds like an immature knob of the highest order.

The next time this situation occurs and he "asks permission" to go and play tennis, go out with his mates etc calmly point out to him that you are not his mother and it's his decision whether he wants to leave you - yet again - on your own putting the kids to bed and that if he wants to act like a knob then he can make that decision himself and own it.

You need to have serious words with your DH. You are not at fault here op

I feel your pain op

Can you tell us more about your relationship with your mum? Most of the questions about your dm have been ignored. I am imagining myself in your shoes and being thoroughly upset, and how desperate and lonely and sad/frustrated I would have felt at two grown adults blanking me when I express serious feelings.

DidIleave I suspect the poor DM did not know what to do and decided it best to do nothing - given she then bathed the children and helped and then sent a text I suspect she is more appalled at her SIL but does not know what to say

Sounds like he resents other people's needs for infringing on his freedom.

That's because he is Mr Fun Guy. He may be a manager but I bet his minions are the most overworked unappreciated minions ever! Just like his wife!

I had a similar one (husband). All the mental load was down to me. Everything was down to me to organise and facilitate. He's never organised a birthday, christmas, holiday, nothing. I did it all then had to just tell him what to do, which was either how much he owed me or to pack his own things. All DCs activities were sorted by me, yes he took them but I bet he would never have arranged them. They become your child rather than a partner. It's draining and unattractive.

I'm divorcing mine and it's so much better not having to do the thinking for a man-child.

Holidays with small children basically means meeting their needs in a less convenient location. My XH (well-meaningly) booked things like this but it was frequently just too much. I remember 3am flights with a grizzly nine month old. That was fun.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Be kind to yourself. You reached your limit, that's all.