My huge mummy-tantrum

[Runningkeeprunning]

I've basically had a huge tantrum today infront of my children and my mother and DH.

After my husband booked a last minute break for us (10 month old, 6 year old, DM, myself and him) and me then having to pack everything and organise it all, I stormed off from everyone before finding myself running quickly into the distance from everyone. Never done anything like this before.

I then returned to them, sweaty, crying and shouting at DH infront of my mother and children also.

I've not felt well all weekend after having a bad chesty cough for a week. I also have a coldsore which usually means I am run down and need to get some rest. I told DH I felt exhausted. Yet I've made the lists, I've packed for myself and the kids (it's amazing what you need to take for just the baby!) He had also booked a range of activities so we needed swimsuits, waterproofs, wellies etc the works. Then we arrived and DH had forgotten to inform them of our children's egg and milk allergies (which he seems to find a hinderence) on booking so we had issues with the food etc in the restaurants.
Today we have spent the day outside in red hot sun, I've kept on top of their suncream, sunhats, drinking all day. DM has also helped. DH just seems excited and fun, making jokes, trying to "banter" with me, whilst I am mummy kill-joy who just keeps everyone safe.

He asked me if he could play tennis this evening on returning home as we were walking around. I said yes thinking nothing of it. But I knew that trying to get everyone home in time for dinner was going to be traumatic, so I booked a table at a restaurant for on the way home that is vegan friendly, making the phone call straight after he asked.

DH then went off with DC1 to do an activity, leaving DM and myself with the baby. He was gone for almost 1 hour, meaning we would be late for our table, meaning 2 hungry kids, the baby would danger nap in the car and not go to sleep this evening etc. I told DH we needed to go home as soon as he returned and he says "why?" As if I'm spoiling all his fun. I explained why, as above and added, "you also won't be able to play tennis this evening as DC2 wont go to sleep after a long nap on the way home as he won't nap in the pushchair and I'm exhausted and feel ill." Which was obvious after hearing me coughing all day,now speaking in a croaky voice.

He began to sulk.

We all began walking back to the car in silence and I just had this horrible feeling of "I can't do this..."
The battle with 2 tired children, the battle with him and I turned around and walked away at first, then found myself running. I just wanted to run as far away as possible to sit under a tree and rest a bit.

I found them after pulling myself together 10 minutes later and began crying and shouting at DH that I needed him to be a responsible parent too. That I'm fed up of being mummy kill-joy. That I'm tired and don't feel well and we should have left earlier to prioritize the kids. And why couldn't he think about their food for a change?

My DH and DM are clearly furious with me, but neither have said a word about what has happened, other than "you said he/I could play tennis" and we sat in silence all the way home whilst the kids slept.

Luckily, they went to bed only a little later than usual and DH left to play tennis 10 minutes ago whilst DM silently went home without much of a word.

I'm embarrassed about my huge public tantrum and confused a little myself. I don't feel well and I'm going to bed shortly, but my outburst seemed a little excessive. Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away? I had no issues if the children were fed, happy and in bed, but it was looking like I was going to be up with 2 over-tired children when I'm unwell myself.

I should have said I wanted to go home sooner, but I always get the comments or "banter" as he calls it, about cutting the fun short etc. So I just didn't say anything. I have really struggled all day, but even so, I'm ashamed I had such a tantrum.

What would you take from this? How can I avoid this again?

They both seem like very disapproving, judgemental people, considering you seem to be the one doing most of the work with the kids. And even if your mum disapproved of your meltdown, she could have then come to you between times and had a talk about it. Instead she goes home in silence as if you are a dreadful person.

I wonder if your mother has always treated you this way? And although you reacted dramatically today, I also wonder if any show of emotion has been dampened down by her when you were growing up?

Your husband is selfish. Have a good think about what life might be like with him as the kids get older. Are you all going to have to keep running after him?

OP was your mum furious or just unwilling to get involved between the two of you and wisely decided to keep her counsel on it until now. In fairness to her what could she say. Nothing in your OP seems to imply she did anything other than help?

It's not fair to leave all the drudge work to you (and chivvying tired kids along is exhausting). The asking to play tennis reminds me of this one - at the end the OP came to the realisation that:

'It certainly is a sense of entitlement in this case. For some reason thinking that he doesn't have to contribute equally but that all of his needs should be met.'

Is that the wider picture of what's happening here? You're put in charge of meeting everyone else's needs, and no one is meeting yours?

he isn't too fussed at all about their nutrition so would probably be happy with them eating sandwiches most of the time etc.

Oh fuck, yes, this is infuriating. Because the only reason he gets to be "not fussed" is that you make sure their diet is healthy, and he can be the fun "let's get fish and chip" guy or "it doesn't matter if they only eat bread for all 3 meals" guy.

I could leave the packing to DH, but it would make the break more stressful as he refuses to make lists and packs impulsively so there would be things forgotten. I once left the packing to him for a weekend away and there were no pyjamas

Also infuriating.

He's practising tactical incompetence. Bet he wouldn't pack for a business trip and forget his washbag, or pack for a holiday and not take his gym gear/tennis kit/fill in the blank.

The only way he will step up is if you inconvenience him. It is difficult to do with the dietary stuff, as you have real issues that can't be fucked with, and no one should allow their children to suffer. But with the packing you have to make the lack of pyjamas his problem to solve - send him to a 24-hour supermarket, get him to settle the kids when they play up about not having the right clothes, whatever. Don't fix his mistakes - he has to. You need to make his incompetence his problem, not yours.

Your husband may.not be a dick but he's doing a good job of acting like one.

I think it's also that you have had 1 DC for 5 years, and now added DC2 who is a baby. The stuff a not-great DP can get away with when there's just 1 DC on the scene, as opposed to 2 DC, is quite a lot.

When there is 2 adults and 1 DC, the adults get to dictate the routine and rhythm of family life. The baby just fits in, in a way. As soon as you have more than 1 DC, not only do the DC equal the grown-ups in number of people's needs, but the dynamic shifts a lot. The not-great-at-responsibility parent becomes really clear as the burden on the default parent gets heavier.

I am not surprised that you are feeling it now that your baby is 10 months old. Time to recalibrate.

If he is a good man he will listen and step up, but you may need to keep having some uncomfortable conversations.

I've had this happen a few times. Last minute break arranged for the family as a 'treat' but muggings has to arrange everything. So now.....I don't.

He just as capable as me at packing bags.

I get that you've overstretched yourself and you need to be kind to yourself so it's right that you're getting a lot of support on here.

What I'm not getting from your message is that your husband is a bad guy or that your mum is necessarily awful. It's a good thing that he booked a holiday so many men would not do this for the family.

I think you know in yourself that you're letting yourself get far too stressed about things. You've appointed yourself fun police.

I don't think that it's your husband that is practicing tactical incompetent so much as you are being over controlling about everything. You should have let him do the packing. You could have also said much earlier that you are not feeling well and you were going to go to bed rather than soldiering on and then having an absolute meltdown.

I think there were three adults here to three children so you really could have checked out for a little bit. Plus the whole tennis thing : why say yes and then say no and get all stressed about it? I don't even get the restaurant problem if he was late and there was you and your mum there couldn't you have both gone to the restaurant and he met you there? Plus when he takes a bit of time for himself why are you not taking a bit of time for yourself?

I'm not usually a big supporter of the husband in these situations to be honest but I suspect you are being too involved (almost controlling?) and enabling him to do less than you need him to.

Start delegating. Learn not to bitch when he doesn't do everything your way, let him do things and learn how.

I have friends whose husbands do nothing. There are those men who cant be asked to do anything. These are not the men who book a family break. Im going to wager centreparcs or whatever it was is not his preferred holiday, its just nice for the kids.

Hope you feeling better.

You have done nothing wrong. I can't believe your husband sulks like a child because he thinks he won't be able to go and play tennis.
It's appalling when nobody takes anything seriously nut you. kids are really hard work.
This is why I am single, whenever I am with a man I just want to murder him.
This way I can go to sleep at night relaxed and happy.

I wouldn't call this a 'mummy-tantrum' as that makes it sound trivial and doesn't give your outburst the importance it deserves. You're doing your best and need help- that's what this is about. Your H needs to buck up and start co-parenting. He sounds like a selfish tw*t. Sorry OP.

God, I recognise so much in this post. My DH is an otherwise good and kind man but the mental load is real and he hasn’t got a clue.
This is why we still need feminism.

Would he drive the car on empty? Would he go out with no money for what he needs to do? No, so why does he think you can keep going when you are ill and have no energy? You need to put your foot down and not be bullied. He is overstepping your limits and making light of it, even after you meltdown. You need a serious talk , don't be deflected by banter. I hate that word, it's used to belittle you. Good luck op, get some rest

Can you not book yourself a day and night away with friends? Leave him to it. You sound like you need a break.

Your husband is a jackass,OP and my only criticism is you came back and apologized-you should've let him and mommy dearest take the kids for the weekend and you stay home getting better

This happens at times we get overwhelmed. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I agree you need to divide the labour up between you and DH more fairly. Yes research and booking is time consuming and no fun, but why didn’t he help pack? Also how old are your older kids? By age 5 I had my kids pack their own bags and would just check them over. DH packs his bag and covers all toiletries and sports stuff. It saves soooo much time.
I don’t understand why you and baby could not leave an activity early to go rest in the accommodation while leaving DH to continue with the older children? Family holidays can get very stressful if it’s everyone sticking together 24/7. Too, DH needs the freedom to handle the kids on his own...you shouldn’t be feeling you can’t trust him to parent in your absence.
The home for dinner can be tough, but I think what happened there with you is a blip in communication. He didn’t know about the reservation until over an hour after you’d made it and he’d made you late.
I agree he was thoughtless about the tennis thing.

forgetting pyjamas is nothing. You should still let DH pack bags.
I once forgot my kids asthma pills...that was serious and took a trip to a foreign clinic to get some. DH once forgot toothbrushes..less of a biggie. It’s human to make mistakes. It’s unreasonable to expect perfection or you take away the task from him.
Also, we never use packing lists, why should your DH be forced to use a list for packing? Let him do tasks his way.

We've all been there. You're clearly exhausted. Leave DH and DM in charge of kids and go for a nice bath and a well deserved nap

He sounds like an absolute knob. No way would I be apologising.

Did he ask permission to play tennis like you're his mum or something? Perhaps that contributed to your bad mood.

IMO
Banter = passive aggressive verbal bullying.
With a undercurrent of disrespect.

endoftheline, you interpret "banter" as "abusive verbal bullying"? "Bantering" usually just means joking around, verbal give and take which is fun for both participants. Perhaps you have another word for that.

Sorry, I should have made it clear that I meant ONLY in the context of everything that has been described in this thread. I guess I thought that would be apparent. What the OP is describing as banter, in this thread, is not what the average person would think of as banter.
I don't know if that makes my thoughts any clearer.

I agree with Illstartexercisingtomorrow and NoSquirrels.

You're upset you had to pack yet you won't let him pack.

So just stop doing things and let him help.

If he forgets things he has to sort it out, it's the only way he'll learn, then once he's learnt all of this stress will go.

If he forgets items for the activities and it causes a problem with the kids, he then understands the consequences and has to sort it. And I'd bet it wouldn't happen again.

TBH it doesn't sound much fun for him if he has to ask for permission to do an activity for an hour or play tennis.

Because you're running around picking up the slack that means no one else has to. So just stop doing it. I don't mean stuff like sunscreen, explain to him about that. I mean all of the other things. Explain about the baby sleeping but if the baby goes to sleep and is up in the night, let him deal with it - and explain why it happened.

He doesn't seem like he's interested in actually being responsible for the dc. How often do you leave him on his own with them, if ever? He sounds like a knob.

You don't owe anyone an apology.

Next time he thinks he will play generous dad and books something last minute, he does the packing. He also schleps the kids with him to rectify any problems associated with his packing - no heading off for two hours on his own to buy toothbrushes.

He gets to stay up with children who have slept in the car because they are exhausted from activity overload.

Try to let go of any anxiety you may have about people experiencing inconvenience or being uncomfortable on a holiday. Most packing omissions are not going to be life threatening. Your H won't learn to parent up if he has you to pick up his immense amount of slack.

You just make sure you have necessities for yourself and any medications plus sunscreen, in your handbag.

Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away?
NO.
It was not.

And as for 'banter' about cutting the fun short - next time that happens, you go home and leave him to 'have fun' with the DCs and then bring them and all their stuff home in one piece, rested and happy.

Sulking is your H's problem, not yours.
You don't have to try to make him feel better when he pulls this stunt. Sulking is not a sign that you have done something wrong. It's an immature, passive aggressive, and manipulative way he has of telling you he is not interested in talking about problems he has caused, and is not interested in being held accountable to you for work he has created for you.

Don't try to sweet talk him out of his sulk. Tell him you note his unhappiness, you are sorry he feels unhappy, and that you are ready to talk about his problem whenever he is. Don't stay in the same room when he is sulking. Run a bath for yourself or clean out the fridge or put on headphones and listen to something you like, whatever will keep you occupied. Sulking creates tension - fill the airspace with your own intentional actions.

Sulking is an abusive withholding of emotional connection, and he has to get to the bottom of why he does this. I suggest counseling for you so you are armed to deal with it, and then maybe couples counseling, because this is the problem that is going to break your relationship.

Sulking closes down communication, so there is no hope of you bringing up the issues that are affecting you or fully expressing yourself, for instance when you are left doing the heavy lifting for a whole 'weekend break'. You end up feeling shut down, which causes massive stress.

I am guessing since you feel an obligation to do all the packing and guilt about exploding that your mum ran around after everyone and saw her role as keeper of all the balls in the air and pourer of oil on troubled water.