My huge mummy-tantrum

[Runningkeeprunning]

I've basically had a huge tantrum today infront of my children and my mother and DH.

After my husband booked a last minute break for us (10 month old, 6 year old, DM, myself and him) and me then having to pack everything and organise it all, I stormed off from everyone before finding myself running quickly into the distance from everyone. Never done anything like this before.

I then returned to them, sweaty, crying and shouting at DH infront of my mother and children also.

I've not felt well all weekend after having a bad chesty cough for a week. I also have a coldsore which usually means I am run down and need to get some rest. I told DH I felt exhausted. Yet I've made the lists, I've packed for myself and the kids (it's amazing what you need to take for just the baby!) He had also booked a range of activities so we needed swimsuits, waterproofs, wellies etc the works. Then we arrived and DH had forgotten to inform them of our children's egg and milk allergies (which he seems to find a hinderence) on booking so we had issues with the food etc in the restaurants.
Today we have spent the day outside in red hot sun, I've kept on top of their suncream, sunhats, drinking all day. DM has also helped. DH just seems excited and fun, making jokes, trying to "banter" with me, whilst I am mummy kill-joy who just keeps everyone safe.

He asked me if he could play tennis this evening on returning home as we were walking around. I said yes thinking nothing of it. But I knew that trying to get everyone home in time for dinner was going to be traumatic, so I booked a table at a restaurant for on the way home that is vegan friendly, making the phone call straight after he asked.

DH then went off with DC1 to do an activity, leaving DM and myself with the baby. He was gone for almost 1 hour, meaning we would be late for our table, meaning 2 hungry kids, the baby would danger nap in the car and not go to sleep this evening etc. I told DH we needed to go home as soon as he returned and he says "why?" As if I'm spoiling all his fun. I explained why, as above and added, "you also won't be able to play tennis this evening as DC2 wont go to sleep after a long nap on the way home as he won't nap in the pushchair and I'm exhausted and feel ill." Which was obvious after hearing me coughing all day,now speaking in a croaky voice.

He began to sulk.

We all began walking back to the car in silence and I just had this horrible feeling of "I can't do this..."
The battle with 2 tired children, the battle with him and I turned around and walked away at first, then found myself running. I just wanted to run as far away as possible to sit under a tree and rest a bit.

I found them after pulling myself together 10 minutes later and began crying and shouting at DH that I needed him to be a responsible parent too. That I'm fed up of being mummy kill-joy. That I'm tired and don't feel well and we should have left earlier to prioritize the kids. And why couldn't he think about their food for a change?

My DH and DM are clearly furious with me, but neither have said a word about what has happened, other than "you said he/I could play tennis" and we sat in silence all the way home whilst the kids slept.

Luckily, they went to bed only a little later than usual and DH left to play tennis 10 minutes ago whilst DM silently went home without much of a word.

I'm embarrassed about my huge public tantrum and confused a little myself. I don't feel well and I'm going to bed shortly, but my outburst seemed a little excessive. Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away? I had no issues if the children were fed, happy and in bed, but it was looking like I was going to be up with 2 over-tired children when I'm unwell myself.

I should have said I wanted to go home sooner, but I always get the comments or "banter" as he calls it, about cutting the fun short etc. So I just didn't say anything. I have really struggled all day, but even so, I'm ashamed I had such a tantrum.

What would you take from this? How can I avoid this again?

OP your dh does sound like he's a complete knob BUT you've got a baby, you are breastfeeding. you are clearly very tired and run down. babies and breastfeeding take a lot out of you. start looking after yourself. stop expecting him to. and just start being more assertive. "no we can't fit that in we need to get home for dc dinner and bed." let him sulk. better than you getting stressed and run into the ground.

I'd take a slightly different approach. You are effectively managing him, and he is refusing to be managed. That increases your mental load exponentially for no real gain.

Try and back off. Pretend you are as vapid as him- don't pack the activity stuff, don't check out the restaurants, stop catching the ball every time he drops it.

"Oh dear, we haven't got the swimsuits.
Oh dear, there is nothing on the menu the kids can have."
Oh dear, I'm off to bed as I feel unwell. There's food in the fridge, dear".
You want to play tennis? That's nice, I wonder if we'll be back in time?"

Stop. Wait for him to pick up the ball.

He'll let you do everything if you keep caving- he's positioning it so you have all the responsibility. Stop stepping up!

Op, I was thinking along similar lines as pickle, but you said the relationship has been over for some time so I'm not sure if you have the strength to take your foot off the gas and see what happens (I think strength is the right word, even though it would appear to be inaction).

I think you've done amazingly well under the circumstances. I hope you're alright.

Rather than throw tantrums or be passive aggressive, can’t you just talk to him ? As has been said you are being a bit of a martyr.

I can vouch that intentionally dropping the ball does get results. If you start to answer ‘I don’t know/not sure/have you sorted it?’ etc instead of actually jumping to fix stuff and always planning ahead then gradually the balance shifts. As pickle says, ‘Oh dear’ and ‘what a shame’ as the response to not having XYZ or not getting somewhere or something bring sub-optimal is quite soothing- because if they point an accusatory finger at you for not being responsible then it’s out in the open directly from them that they see you as the servant, and then you can deal with it whilst not being accused of nagging or being the fun police.

I feel so sorry for you op, I totally get it! My husband did similar (on a smaller scale!) arranging a family day out with the in laws when he had been away for 2 weeks with work and I'd been working full-time and on my own with a preschooler and toddler. I was exhausted and had to obv fully clean the house and get ready for guests alongside keeping the kids occupied. It was a nightmare and both kids were knackered and whingey too. I snapped at my husband, barely ate my meal and my lovely sister in law grabbed the baby and ordered me to sit down (and poured me wine!). My mother in law just sat and ate her meal wittering on about how exhausted her poor son must be...who had been in a lovely apartment for 2 weeks without the kids, eating out most nights. Yeah bloody hardship.

Sorry op I'm going off on a tangent! I hope your
Husband has apologised and you are resting today. I also hope your mother has apologised and offered to take the kids/Do the holiday washing/given you chance to rest.

Hugs OP

When he said “yes I would” about the tennis, is the missing bit of the sentence “...because this is what you signed up for...”?

I think sometimes there’s a dynamic where one party (usually the man) thinks the deal in marriage is the woman does absolutely everything to do with kids, family, organisation, social life; and all they have to do is work, then show up at an appointed time for holidays/parties/occasions.

Has he ever spelled out that this is what he assumed you were both signing up for when you had kids? To some men it seems like it’s just bloody obvious and what the hell is the woman complaining about?

I see it so often, highly educated, successful women in their 30s reduced to a nanny/PA role in the marriage.

Popping back to say that calling your behaviour a tantrum really minimises it.
You were pushed past your ability to cope, and chose to distance yourself briefly to protect your children from your rage and distress. That level of stress is toxic, and needs addressing.

You weren't having a tantrum, you're on your way to having a breakdown, and those were the early signs of it.

Until you manage to leave him, I think you should effectively cut him out of the organisation of things. That includes taking control of the car, and driving. So pack for yourself and the DC, and DO NOT pack for him. Tell him the tile you're leaving, and then get the DC into the care with their belongings and leave. If he's not ready, tough shit, he gets left out. Warn him that that is what you will do. He won't believe you and the first couple of times he will likely deliberately be late, or he'll try to get the car keys off you etc. Don't let him.

Show him that you are utterly ready to live without him. It might be the kick up the bum he needs to get his shit together and to start prioritising you as a family, OR, it will show you that you CAN survive without him, and that he is completely and utterly superfluous to your needs and wants.