My huge mummy-tantrum

[Runningkeeprunning]

I've basically had a huge tantrum today infront of my children and my mother and DH.

After my husband booked a last minute break for us (10 month old, 6 year old, DM, myself and him) and me then having to pack everything and organise it all, I stormed off from everyone before finding myself running quickly into the distance from everyone. Never done anything like this before.

I then returned to them, sweaty, crying and shouting at DH infront of my mother and children also.

I've not felt well all weekend after having a bad chesty cough for a week. I also have a coldsore which usually means I am run down and need to get some rest. I told DH I felt exhausted. Yet I've made the lists, I've packed for myself and the kids (it's amazing what you need to take for just the baby!) He had also booked a range of activities so we needed swimsuits, waterproofs, wellies etc the works. Then we arrived and DH had forgotten to inform them of our children's egg and milk allergies (which he seems to find a hinderence) on booking so we had issues with the food etc in the restaurants.
Today we have spent the day outside in red hot sun, I've kept on top of their suncream, sunhats, drinking all day. DM has also helped. DH just seems excited and fun, making jokes, trying to "banter" with me, whilst I am mummy kill-joy who just keeps everyone safe.

He asked me if he could play tennis this evening on returning home as we were walking around. I said yes thinking nothing of it. But I knew that trying to get everyone home in time for dinner was going to be traumatic, so I booked a table at a restaurant for on the way home that is vegan friendly, making the phone call straight after he asked.

DH then went off with DC1 to do an activity, leaving DM and myself with the baby. He was gone for almost 1 hour, meaning we would be late for our table, meaning 2 hungry kids, the baby would danger nap in the car and not go to sleep this evening etc. I told DH we needed to go home as soon as he returned and he says "why?" As if I'm spoiling all his fun. I explained why, as above and added, "you also won't be able to play tennis this evening as DC2 wont go to sleep after a long nap on the way home as he won't nap in the pushchair and I'm exhausted and feel ill." Which was obvious after hearing me coughing all day,now speaking in a croaky voice.

He began to sulk.

We all began walking back to the car in silence and I just had this horrible feeling of "I can't do this..."
The battle with 2 tired children, the battle with him and I turned around and walked away at first, then found myself running. I just wanted to run as far away as possible to sit under a tree and rest a bit.

I found them after pulling myself together 10 minutes later and began crying and shouting at DH that I needed him to be a responsible parent too. That I'm fed up of being mummy kill-joy. That I'm tired and don't feel well and we should have left earlier to prioritize the kids. And why couldn't he think about their food for a change?

My DH and DM are clearly furious with me, but neither have said a word about what has happened, other than "you said he/I could play tennis" and we sat in silence all the way home whilst the kids slept.

Luckily, they went to bed only a little later than usual and DH left to play tennis 10 minutes ago whilst DM silently went home without much of a word.

I'm embarrassed about my huge public tantrum and confused a little myself. I don't feel well and I'm going to bed shortly, but my outburst seemed a little excessive. Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away? I had no issues if the children were fed, happy and in bed, but it was looking like I was going to be up with 2 over-tired children when I'm unwell myself.

I should have said I wanted to go home sooner, but I always get the comments or "banter" as he calls it, about cutting the fun short etc. So I just didn't say anything. I have really struggled all day, but even so, I'm ashamed I had such a tantrum.

What would you take from this? How can I avoid this again?

It's not unreasonable for you to handle your own children for 2 hours."

How often does he parent his DC by himself for more than two hours at a time?

Cut yourself some slack , be kind to yourself. You are doing a great job and being taken for granted. What would you suggest for a first or sister or daughter who found herself in this situation ?

Never again will I agree when he asks me something like that.

Good thinking. A non committal let's see how the day pans out might just get him focused on getting everything done so he can play rather than being fun dad because he has secured his treat already.

All the best xx

@MargotsFlounceyBlouse that is so true that their needs don't suddenly evaporate becausr we are on holiday. I will raise this point with DH.

The more I think about it, the chiildren are easier to control than DH. It's the contant reigning him in and then explaining my intentions that is dragging me down more than anything.

I am perpetually put in positions where I have to take charge, but the draining bit is him then challenging me and having to justify and explain myself all the time.

The part that has bothered me the most in all this is after he heard me book a table, then disappeared with DC1 for an hour, on returning and stating "we need to go now." I was met with a disapproving "why?" As if I'm spoiling all the fun. Its this that keeps on replaying in my head. I am fed up of him not being able to calculate timings like a child who wants to have more fun all the time. I feel like he's taking the piss out of me and pushing me over my limits as much as possible to gain as much benefit for himself as possible. He doesn't want to go home... fine. You surely accept the consequences of that decision, not skip off to play tennis leaving your wife with the kids and the consequences.

I feel about 60. I'm only 32. He is almost 40 years old. It's actually ridiculous.

Does this seem familiar?

THE ATTITUDES THAT DRIVE THE DEMAND MAN ABUSER
The core attitude of the Demand Man abuser is the belief that it is his partner’s job to take care of him no matter what. Not just his needs, but every little desire that he has must be instantly granted. He can’t even see her needs, much less take any time to care for her. In fact he actually believes that if she asks him for anything she is the one who is demanding, controlling, and abusive.

The Demand man keeps a ledger in his mind of every good deed he does. He sees himself as a benevolent hero for doing simple acts such as picking up a gallon of milk at the store, or taking the trash out to the street. He feels like his good deed account is always in the positive, so he can take withdrawals at any time by demanding extra care and service. He believes he is a kind and giving partner.

Conversely he believes his partners ledger is always in the negative. She can never do enough to satisfy him. The more she does the more he expects. If she does three loads of laundry he will complain that his lucky socks are still dirty. If she washes every dish in the house he will complain that her dinner was a simple meal tonight. If she bakes him a birthday cake he will be resentful that she didn’t plan a fancy dinner date and arrange a babysitter. No matter how hard she tries it is impossible to meet his expectations and demands.

When the Demand Man does not get what he feels he is entitled to he punishes his partner for letting him down. Even if he never directly expressed a need or desire she should have just known what was expected and acted on it.

Any kindness that the Demand Man shows to his partner is centered around his own feelings. Either he wants to prove to himself or others just how wonderful of a person he is, or he is setting himself up to demand a favor from his partner later. Every move he makes is centered around getting what he wants regardless of how his partner feels about it.

Whenever the Demand Man’s partner has a need that conflicts with his he is furious. How dare she be so incredibly selfish. Even voicing something so simple as a preference for a restaurant that he doesn’t like can lead to a full blown nuclear explosion of anger. In fact even asking him to take care of his own responsibilities, such as putting his clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor, can trigger an explosion. How dare anyone ask him for anything? He’s not here to be YOUR servant!

Interestingly the Demand Man is often far less controlling than other abusers when it comes to things like finances or friends. As long as his partner caters to his constant demands he feels he has enough control. That does not make this type of abuse any less destructive than others.

THE PARTNER OF THE DEMAND MAN
The partner of a Demand Man lives with a lot of anxiety. She spends most of her time trying to be one step ahead of his requests. Anticipating his needs and wants before he does keeps her out of trouble.

After listening to his constant barrage of criticism and complaints about everything she does the Demand Man’s partner will begin to doubt her own worth. Maybe she really is as lazy, inconsiderate, ditzy, etc. as he says she is.

This partner comes to feel that nothing she does is ever good enough, nor will it ever be. It is absolutely impossible to make him happy. This doesn’t stop her from trying though.

After being with a Demand Man for long enough the partner can lose herself completely. She becomes so swallowed up in his life that she isn’t able to live her own. There is no time for friends, hobbies, or even a little bubble bath. She completely disappears as a person and becomes nothing more than a servant to his every whim.

DO YOU KNOW A DEMAND MAN?
I bet all of us had at least one name pop into mind while reading this. Remember not every abuser fits neatly into one package. You may know someone who has a few of these traits, but not all of them. You may know someone who has all of these traits, plus a few dozen more. The important part is to recognize the attitudes of abuse at work here.

Not everyone who has high expectations is an abuser. It is the attitudes of “I’m better than you”, “my needs matter ; yours don’t”, and “I will punish you if I don’t get my way” that are indicative of abuse.

honestly he sounds a complete wanker...

can you get some time away even if its you and baby ......maybe go and visit your mums some real consequences....

I personally would tell him to fuck off and manage his lonely future himself as couldnt be doing with wiping the arse of a 40yr old...cant imagine having sex with someone like that enough to have more than 1 dc either

on the step to that maybe suggest counselling for yourself if not both of you as well to see if you can manage the situation in a way that works ofr you and teh DC - because I certainly wouldnt want to get to that level of overload again...esp in front of the DC...

and what are they seeing in their daily lives and internalising for their future relationships....a one off trantrum is one thing but constantly being taken the pissof is something else...

look after yourself.......as he won't... do you really see your future like this in 5/10 years or when the kids have left home????

Oh, OP, he sounds horrible and so uncaring! Every time someone says that word 'banter' it always means 'stuff I've said that pisses people off but I'm not going to apologise'.

Next time he decides to do something (party, last minute booking) say, 'great! Let me know if you need any money for that!' Then do nothing at all towards it, not even listing anything.

I promise you, he will only ever mess it up once - it will make him realise how much you have been doing, and how much he has been taking you for granted.

If it doesn't - hopefully when you are divorced you'll get a chance for some relaxation time on your own without the children. And if he doesn't step up (he probably won't), then at least you'll have one less child to look after (him).

Agree with PP to leave him to decide whether he can go to tennis or not. You're not his parent.

"Can I play tennis this evening?"

"You need to make that decision, I'm not your parent. Sometimes it's fine to go off for two hours by yourself. Other times you leave a sh*t load of work for your ill partner. You should be able to tell the difference."

OP, do not apologize.

You are married to a selfish prick.

What a horrible, mean, selfish, disgusting man.

You are going to have to make his life extremely uncomfortable.

Stop doing anything for him at all.

Is this the life you want.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who clearly doesn't give a damn about you.

You sound so worn out and unwell.

Your mother doesn't sound the brightest either. Surely she could see how sick you are.

I think you need to read and re-read the advice above on how to no longer co-operate with him and no longer tolerate his selfishness.

By constantly stepping in and saving the day you have become his mother.

Call him out. Every time.

Definitely don't have another child, Christ I couldn't let an excuse of a man like that near me.

I spoke to DH last night about the situation. His defence was "but the kids did go to sleep and everything was ok."

Granted. We were really lucky on this occasion.

Then I asked "but if they hadn't have gone to sleep, knowing how run down I was, would you still have left me to deal with the children whilst you went off to play tennis after such a long tiring weekend, knowing I was at the end of my rope?"

DH: "If I'm honest, yes I would."

So this is where we're at and I knew we would be. No matter how run down I am, no matter how mentally drained I am, he pleases himself anyway and has done this plenty of times in the past.

Im basically left with nobody caring or ever looking out for me. What's the answer? I have to over-stretch myself to care for the DCs and nobody ever looks out for me? I'm basically a family servant then aren't I with no needs of my own? I'm devastated.

DM has had a chat with me. She had lots of sympathy after she'd had time to reflect. She's not angry with DH, she can see both sides,but agrees that he should be owning his own decisions and not leaving them for me to make.

I feel so depressed that DHs response basically means he doesn't care for me. I just want to stay in bed and cry.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

I'm guessing there is no family holidays or day trips from now on seeing as I'm just the organisation and planning fodder. Not entitled to have fun, be ill or even just to have had enough. Supposed to grin and bare it. It's like there is no respect for me at all, but too many expectations of me.

On speaking to DM, I felt like a little girl again, just wanting her to scoop me up and take me home and look after me.

OP this is a moment now where you need to decide what to do - take it or retake back some power and decide really if your relationship can survive him thinking so little of you

But stop doing anything for him - you have 2 children who need you that fine you do not have 3

Im sorry OP but the only real answer is to separate out

Will your DM be supportive - I am shocked she isnt angry with him

DM is supportive, I think she conceals a lot of how she really feels about the situation. She was very sympathetic and sincerely so. Having the energy to leave him is my biggest hurdle. I'll work out the finances, but having the energy to up-root our lives leaves me feeling trapped.

I know our relationship has been over for some time. The last time we spoke about separation,DH wanted us all to stay under one roof and him sleep in the spare room.

I wasn't happy with that but thought we could still have family days etc for the sake of the children, but he's just using me for life admin whilst he has fun.

I guess it's time to visit the solicitor.

Glad DM at least is supportive

Knowledge is power and now you know the situation, you are in a position to make done decisions. First, though, take some time to get better, you may feel more equal to the task when you have shaken off your current illness.

Oh I am so sorry but yes I think the only way forward is to be proactive and take charge and really tell him for once how it was going to be

Of course he wants to sleep in the spare room he still wants it all but I think the only way forward is someone moving out

Do you own?

OP, wait until the weekend when DH is in the house and say ‘just nipping to the shops’ but bloody sod off and see your mum, go shopping, get your hair done - stay at your mums house for the night. Obviously text your DH to say ‘something’s come up so i’m gonna be away longer than planned’ but don’t go home.

Let him see how it feels to have children/life be HIS problem for a while!

gonewiththepotter
OP is breast feeding.
She also has to consider how carefully he will look after the dc.

Sorry OP, but I think you are right. This relationship is dead.

I promise, dealing with just your DCs without the constant facilitating of a Man-Child is so much easier ( or will be as the children get older).

@endofthelinefinally

Urgh, I know...🙄 I get that it’s not actually a good idea/option but I’m fed up of men who are just useless man children who don’t take responsibility/pull their weight or behave like a functional parent and in punishment for that... the long suffering Mother removes herself and children from the situation! 🤔

Honestly half the threads I read on MN, it’s pretty obvious that Is the guys ideal outcome! I think A LOT of fathers like this would much prefer to not have to deal with their wife/partner and children’s shit on a daily basis.

It seems that women think by leaving they’re ‘teaching them a lesson’ and yes it’s obvioutsly better for the woman/kids not to be saddled with such a terrible excuse for a man...but he’s getting such an easy out!

He’s being rewarded for doing a shitty job, by no longer having to do the job, or just doing it every other weekend! Whilst poor mum goes off to be a single parent and struggle alone!!

I see where you're coming from @gonewiththepotter and I think it's why other women often warn against me leaving because the load becomes heavier whilst Dad exposes the kids to all sorts of hazards when in his care and mum is left feeling helpless and reaping the consequences of over-tired, junk-food fuelled children afrera weekend with Dad. It's definitely something to consider.

I wonder if there is an in between option whilst the children are very small? An affair?!

Again, do you get time for yourself? Is your husband happy to give you time off? If you ask him if you can go to gym/relax for a few hours st the weekend, what would he say?
Larrygrylls

Oh the delicious irony of this poster asking upthread whether the OP had made it absolutely, positively, crystal clear to her H that she was knackered/exhausted/ill, then coming up with this gem.

The trouble is that it's all very well saying leave more to him...but the reality is OP probably knows very well that he WON'T step up, and her DC will be affected.
You did nothing wrong. This would be enough for me to end a relationship over. Can't stand adult children.

As someone who has been through this I actually found it much less draining when I was the sole parent. The mental load became easier not harder. I got a new lease of life not having the weight of a failing relationship and having to constantly deal with a man child. BUT I do struggle with having to share custody and yes exactly right with the shoddy weekend Disney dad parenting that I then have to unpick. But honestly can you keep this up for the next X no of years? And then what? I just think you're either a team or you aren't. When your not a team it's an uphill struggle and that's what is the most draining.

I know our relationship has been over for some time. The last time we spoke about separation,DH wanted us all to stay under one roof and him sleep in the spare room.

That tells you all you need to know, OP. How nice for him. Presumably you would still be expected to keep everything going while he kicks back and takes it easy. Pretty much what he is already doing really.

I guess it's time to visit the solicitor.

Yes, I'm afraid so. I'm not saying it's easy and I understand your concerns about the upheaval but being rid of an almost forty year old child will ultimately enhance your life.

It is draining @mamamooloo not being part of a team. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's v helpful. I feel so worn down and disrespected. DM said earlier "I knew you weren't too happy, but I can see you're actually bloody miserable."