My huge mummy-tantrum

[Runningkeeprunning]

I've basically had a huge tantrum today infront of my children and my mother and DH.

After my husband booked a last minute break for us (10 month old, 6 year old, DM, myself and him) and me then having to pack everything and organise it all, I stormed off from everyone before finding myself running quickly into the distance from everyone. Never done anything like this before.

I then returned to them, sweaty, crying and shouting at DH infront of my mother and children also.

I've not felt well all weekend after having a bad chesty cough for a week. I also have a coldsore which usually means I am run down and need to get some rest. I told DH I felt exhausted. Yet I've made the lists, I've packed for myself and the kids (it's amazing what you need to take for just the baby!) He had also booked a range of activities so we needed swimsuits, waterproofs, wellies etc the works. Then we arrived and DH had forgotten to inform them of our children's egg and milk allergies (which he seems to find a hinderence) on booking so we had issues with the food etc in the restaurants.
Today we have spent the day outside in red hot sun, I've kept on top of their suncream, sunhats, drinking all day. DM has also helped. DH just seems excited and fun, making jokes, trying to "banter" with me, whilst I am mummy kill-joy who just keeps everyone safe.

He asked me if he could play tennis this evening on returning home as we were walking around. I said yes thinking nothing of it. But I knew that trying to get everyone home in time for dinner was going to be traumatic, so I booked a table at a restaurant for on the way home that is vegan friendly, making the phone call straight after he asked.

DH then went off with DC1 to do an activity, leaving DM and myself with the baby. He was gone for almost 1 hour, meaning we would be late for our table, meaning 2 hungry kids, the baby would danger nap in the car and not go to sleep this evening etc. I told DH we needed to go home as soon as he returned and he says "why?" As if I'm spoiling all his fun. I explained why, as above and added, "you also won't be able to play tennis this evening as DC2 wont go to sleep after a long nap on the way home as he won't nap in the pushchair and I'm exhausted and feel ill." Which was obvious after hearing me coughing all day,now speaking in a croaky voice.

He began to sulk.

We all began walking back to the car in silence and I just had this horrible feeling of "I can't do this..."
The battle with 2 tired children, the battle with him and I turned around and walked away at first, then found myself running. I just wanted to run as far away as possible to sit under a tree and rest a bit.

I found them after pulling myself together 10 minutes later and began crying and shouting at DH that I needed him to be a responsible parent too. That I'm fed up of being mummy kill-joy. That I'm tired and don't feel well and we should have left earlier to prioritize the kids. And why couldn't he think about their food for a change?

My DH and DM are clearly furious with me, but neither have said a word about what has happened, other than "you said he/I could play tennis" and we sat in silence all the way home whilst the kids slept.

Luckily, they went to bed only a little later than usual and DH left to play tennis 10 minutes ago whilst DM silently went home without much of a word.

I'm embarrassed about my huge public tantrum and confused a little myself. I don't feel well and I'm going to bed shortly, but my outburst seemed a little excessive. Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away? I had no issues if the children were fed, happy and in bed, but it was looking like I was going to be up with 2 over-tired children when I'm unwell myself.

I should have said I wanted to go home sooner, but I always get the comments or "banter" as he calls it, about cutting the fun short etc. So I just didn't say anything. I have really struggled all day, but even so, I'm ashamed I had such a tantrum.

What would you take from this? How can I avoid this again?

I wouldn’t call that a tantrum, you’ve been ignored and ridiculed and it sounds like you temporarily snapped.
Either get some help with the kids, or agree between the two of you a better strategy or you’re going to find your life increasingly difficult.
You’re definitely not being unreasonable, but you do sound quite distressed.

Was it unreasonable for DH to ask me if he could go and play tennis after such a busy hectic weekend away?
NO.
It was not.

Sorry, this should have read - Yes it was unreasonable of him to ask, and NO, it was not unreasonable of you to say no to this.

It was a spectacularly poorly judged plan of your H's if the tennis thing only consisted of what it looked like on the surface. That is to say, man opens mouth and inserts foot because he is too gormless to notice his wife is worn out and could use help putting two children to bed.

But I suspect he wanted to imply by asking you for permission that you are Mrs Wet Blanket by asking for something there was every chance you would say no to. Then he would be able to accuse you of being no fun, mean (insert whatever problem he has with his own mother that he needs to get over).

And if you said yes then off he would go to play tennis, as if he were a single man with no children.

A win win for him either way, while you are left suspecting something happened that was an insult to you, but unable to quite put your finger on what exactly it was.

I agree with math, you’re being set up to fail. If he won’t cotton on to your needs you have to have a strategy too.

We all need time off for tennis, meeting friends etc, but you don’t just dip out of parenting when you feel like it and leave it to the other person. It’s disrespectful and mean.

Oh op don't beat yourself up. I remember feeling trapped, alone and overwhelmed when mine were tiny and then h was acting like yours. We were on holiday with childless friends once and he spent the entire week playing play station leaving me to deal with a crabby baby-we ended up having a very public row because I lost my shit with him. It happens.

A frank conversation is needed with him about how you got to this point. And he needs to step up a bit more especially whilst you are ill.
Your Mother doesn't sound great tbh.Im Sorry she has behaved like she has as that won't have helped.

Don't feel guilty, you were at the end of your tether and needed a good screech to reassert your boundaries. I hope the other parent has now taken notice and stepped up as a result.

The problem with talking to him is that he won't talk at all. And when I explain myself, he agrees, but then does his own things anyway.

Everything is tactful with him-how do I get the greatest gain for myself? Mentality.

I gave up communicating a while ago tbh. It seems to make me vulnerable by being open and honest as he will find loopholes in what I've said and log things I've said then use them against me in the future. To everyone else he is the good, Mr nice guy. Even my DM seems to think so, I'm the pain in the arse who gets irritated easily.

He cares more for what he considers "right" and "reasonable" more than he cares for me saying phrases like "emotionally drained" and "feel unwell." So his argument is "what's the big deal with me going off to play tennis for 2 hours? It's not unreasonable for you to handle your own children for 2 hours." Then there will be implications made about me not coping without him and needing him. Regardless of the fact that I need a soak in the bath and an early night and the kids may not go to sleep. As it turned out,all was fine, they slept, I had a bath and he went to play tennis. But luckily, my DM stepped in and ate with them and bathed them whilst DH unloaded the car and unpacked some necessities which helped him go off and play tennis once they were in bed. I cooked and cleared up. He was lucky that it all worked out on this occasion, historically, they would have been awake until 9pm after napping in the car after 5pm. Usually,I'd just deal with it but I had no energy whatsoever.

I don’t think having a tantrum is commendable (especially in front of children), and you should apologise. However, the apology should be graciously accepted and then you can explore why it happened.

Young children are really tough because it is so full on and, often, on little sleep. The question, in relationships is, is it fair when everything is taken into account: paid work, childcare and free time? If it is not, you have to have a discussion, but not a rant, and come up with a plan to make things fairer.

You do have to be careful of not deliberately making yourself a martyr by believing certain jobs can only be done a certain way and no one can do them well enough but you, but then resenting your husband for not doing enough.

I would say that next time you do something similar, make a list of everything that needs to be done (packing, travel arrangements etc) and apportion it between the two of you. Then let him get on with his bit however he sees fit (as long as kids are safe and happy).

Re the tennis, ‘ yes of course darling but I need an hour for a run/tennis/Pilates tomorrow night, that ok?’

They broke you. It’s not your fault. You’re trying so hard. DHs and other people just can’t see what they’re doing and adding to the mental and physical load on you. I honestly felt testy reading your post because I know that feeling of trapped and helpless and pushed so well. You will look back and realise that you took everything a bit seriously and got caught in the trap of mummy anxiety making you desperately try to control everything. I’m on my 4th child now and go with the flow so much more now on bedtimes and eating times and naps and needs and even safety. I’m just less tightly wound. But it’s not your fault and your mum and DH are setting you up to fail where they could have lessened the psychological burden of the family in so many ways for you.

You need a rest and a break. I suggest you send your DH and mum off with the kids the next two full days and get your head back together. They need a talking to for leaning on you to think about everything. It will get easier.

Testy=teary

I have started making him face the consequences of his actions a lot more, but I felt trapped on this occasion... the trap was tennis. He got his request in early, then maxed the day out with activities and fun, not even thinking about their meal times, nap time etc, knowing I would be thinking of that. He was there when I made the call to the restaurant and he he agreed to eat there on the way home. Then he left no time for it.

The consequence of course is no tennis.

I communicated this to him. Cue the sulking. This is the point I turned around and headed in the opposite direction before having a complete meltdown. I had no energy for the tense atmosphere on top of 2 tired, hungry kids. He would have played tennis anyway. Regardless of me saying he couldn't go. I hate that he puts me in that position in the first place, asking my permission as if I'm his mum, so pushing off any responsibility he has of allowing time for the family to settle down before he leaves to do his own thing. He pushes all of that away by asking me!

Never again will I agree when he asks me something like that. It was a complete trap and yet it sounds so reasonable. Even DM has been sucked in! My response will be different next time. Perhaps along the lines of "provided the kids are fed, settled and ready to go to sleep." Or "provided I am able to go to bed ahen you're leaving" somethinh like that.
He has done things like this before and it makes me out to be the crazy unreasonable one who has gone back on my word. I guess we're all allowed to change our minds though aren't we? Surely when you have young children nothing is set in stone anyway and there is a need to be flexible?

I wish I could take myself away for a night or 2 but can't even do that as I'm breastfeeding and he won't take a bottle.

Then that's the issue isn't it, that you cant talk to this man without him turning back on you, manipulating the situation and trying to make you feel shitty. I would recommend the 'why does he do that book' by Lundy Bancroft. I've just started reading it and its opened my eyes so much to what's behind that behaviour and what DH gains from it.

He sounds emotionally abusive
Have you considered leaving him?

He’s selfish. No doubt.

All the people saying "make him be responsible for the kids / do the packing / take care of them for a couple of hours" are missing the point a little. My exH would either flatly refuse to look after DD, or he'd take her somewhere, exhaust her, and then phone me up screaming at me about how he couldn't cope with her like this. You cant force selfish, unpleasant people into acceptable behaviour.

I am a little confused about your mother’s role in all this. Is she actively helpful? Did she help to do baths and bed? If your mother was there to help, surely it does not take 3 adults for a relaxed bedtime with a 10 month old and a 6 year old?

Reading your OP you do sound a little aggressive. Your husband did an activity with your 6 year old, leaving you an hour to chill with your mother and baby. He came back a little late and you told him off like a child, saying tennis had to go,

This was because you anticipated travel and bed time problems, not that they had occurred yet. In the end, as you said, bed time was fine.

The key to me is whether you can get time by yourself to do a hobby/chill? If the answer is yes, I think you are being a little unreasonable. If your husband can look after the kids for a couple of hours and us happy to do so, you need to take advantage of this.

I think feeling ill is also important. If you are ill, you should be looked after (as much as possible) but you need to communicate this: ‘I am really sorry, I feel terrible, would you mind not playing tennis tonight?’

I know it is hard but you have good grand parental support and the resources for holidays and meals out, which should ease the burden.

Are you working yet or SAH? What help do you get generally from both your husband and mother? If your actual workload is ridiculous, you need to look for practical solutions. However, if you feel overwhelmed, but your tasks are not actually overwhelming, then this is not entirely your husbsnd’s problem. Might you be depressed?

@funny and @funnylittlefloozie exactly. I don't enjoy shouldering the load one bit- I do it for the DCs because I care about their needs. I am no natural leader. DH is, ironically hes a manager!

I see other families working as teams and want the same badly, but the DH always seems much more invested and interested. Mine is disengaged, disinterested and even apathetic when it comes to contributing to the boring, important mechanics of family life.

We dont have rigid nap schedules, I'm flexible with eating patterns, I just try to avoid them becoming over-tired or hungry and that's the bottom line. As I'm always the one worrying,DH is free to have fun.

His time management is appalling and he gets ridiculously stressed out when left to him. Then he sulks. I can't stand the sulking. I choose to burden the mental load because I find the other option miserable and so do the kids.

@larrygrylls me feeling ill was communicated several times over the trip. How clear do I need to bloody make it? It takes 3 adults when you have less than 1 hour to cook food, feed, clear up, bath, dry hair and put to bed 2 cranky kids.

Also, kids with allergies create a whole new level of stress when it comes to meals.

Grand parental support? My DM lives in another country and had come over for a few days.

No I don't get much support on a day to day basis. But I can't FORCE DH to be more supportive can I?

Something else is all my fault.

Ordinarily I wouldn't say a tantrum is to be commended, no.

I don't think this was a tantrum, I think you're so worn down by your awful DH that he's got you thinking it was a strop.

It sounds to me like you broke. Because you've been pushed and pushed and pushed, and you're somehow not only responsible for kids (with allergies which adds an extra worry) but for him too, that he will not only put every aspect of parenting and daily life on to you for the children, but expect you to facilitate his wants too.

With no support, no help, and no partner. I mean partner in the sense of teammate.

Jesus OP your posts make me want to cry, you can't ask for help any more clearly, yet somehow this is your fault?

He's done a real number on you hasn't he? And your mum from the sounds of it.

“It seems to make me vulnerable by being open and honest as he will find loopholes in what I've said and log things I've said then use them against me in the future. To everyone else he is the good, Mr nice guy. Even my DM seems to think so”...

Do you not see what a massive red flag this is. Why the hell are you still with this person?

Sounds like a lack of empathy and understanding all round.

Think you owe each other an apology.

Sounds like he resents other people's needs for infringing on his freedom. Resents you for having needs, resents you for making him think about the children's needs. It's not enough that you have to take care of everyone yourself, you then get put in a position via 'banter' where you're set up to be the boring kill-joy for doing it. The posters who set you're being set up to fail have it exactly right.

Think seriously about what this dynamic is going to look like once your children are old enough to start buying into it and seeing you as the boring kill-joy too. It sounds utterly miserable.

Running,

I do sympathise but you are creating a lot of stress for yourself. Why a 1 hour deadline? Kids don’t explode if they sleep half an hour later in the holidays. Do they need a cooked dinner after a restaurant lunch? And, with you feeling unwell, do they really need baths AND hair washes? They won’t die if unbathed for a day.

I can’t see inside your household and can only go on what you say.

You sound like you need everything just so and your husband is more chilled (I am more like you FWIW).

He may be lazy and selfish but, merely from your posts, I am not totally seeing it. It seems more like having different priorities. He probably thinks you are controlling and you see him as lazy.

Again, do you get time for yourself? Is your husband happy to give you time off? If you ask him if you can go to gym/relax for a few hours st the weekend, what would he say?

"Sounds like he resents other people's needs for infringing on his freedom" is a nail on the head moment. Exactly this. Or this is how it feels to me anyway. I could list examples of this:

-Leaving me on my birthday to take care of the DCs because he wants to go to a big sporting event

-Going off to the pub with friends when the DCs are both ill and not sleeping because he refuses to cancel and let anyone else down (the irony)

I’m with other PP’s who feel you’re enabling your DH’s twatish behaviour!

STOP facilitating him! When he announced holiday you should 100% have said ‘oh that’s such a lovely idea given how unwell I’ve been, to take me away to relax and invite mum- with the two of you I should get plenty of down time’

Or...

‘Oh that’s so lovely of you DH, to offer to take the kids away with mum so I can have 3 days to recover from being poorly- aren’t you lovely 😬’

I wouldn’t have packed for the kids or done very much of anything - just thrown lots of praise at DH so he couldn’t have a go at you about it!

My DH booked a holiday a while ago and we had a small kitten at home. (Usually I would arrange care but I didn’t like how I already got lumped with everything practical and didn’t want this to transfer into when we have kids (currently pregnant)!

A week before we left he casually asked who was taking care of kitten? I shrugged my shoulders and he went into a panic ringing friends and family.

Now he always asks early on about stuff like this and doesn’t expect me to ‘just deal with it’!