Anyone up? Need a quick opinion on whether to let my dp sleep in and be late for work.... urgent!

[fedup1981]

My dp usually has to leave about 7am for work, he's lying in bed asleep. He can sleep through any alarm. I've called him and got an increasingly ratty response four times, and the last time was 6.35 and I said "I'm not calling you again, either get up now or lie there and be late, I don't care"

Normally I get up and start making him a coffee, breakfast and his sandwiches for the day, but he's gotten so used to me doing it (so he just has to roll out of bed and put clothes on) that now he sleeps for another 30-40 minutes while I stand downstairs fretting and trying to wake him up.

I haven't made his breakfast or lunch today because I feel like he's treating me like a mug.

Do I go and wake him up and possibly get a mouthful and him stomping around, or leave him to sleep and be late for work and possibly even more angry?

Yes, I know you're right. I think I've said everything I can say to him (100 different ways) to get my point across, and it's still falling of deaf ears so we probably need some outside help.

I don't know what to expect from places like Relate. I don't know if they'd see through his (absolutely pleasant and thoroughly reasonable) exterior to see the other side of him, or whether they'll just think I'm a lazy cow tring to draw attention away from my own flaws.

I'll happily admit my flaws actually, my main one is mollycoddling my boyfriends! And apparently I'm a controlling nag who doesn't give him any space. Bad mummy.

Joining forces with bozza here - dh was positively neanderthal re helping with dd1 (although he's v now that the memories of that period are fraught, and that he can't tell her "I used to do this and that for you")

Whereas, with dd2, I'd addressed the areas of my own personality that led me to feel I had to keep him 'happy' at all costs, and what do you know? Much better, genuine team effort, and now he's every bit the dad I hoped he'd be.

Would your dp respond to that line of reasoning? That what he does now has permanent repercussions - you can't rewrite history, and if he's careless of you and his child now, you'll always, to some extent, remember it?

I honestly can't think of anything he does that's tuly useful or thoughtful. I mean, he works and pays most of the bills, so I'm grateful for that obviously. He does his own ironing (because I'm rubbish at it, more than anything) and he will put washing on if he has no pants or the laundry pile gets high enough. He takes the wheelie bin out every fortnight and brings it back in. Sometimes he offers to make me a drink when he's making one for himself. He always makes sure the house is secure before bed.

Other than that... no, actually that's pretty much it. I'm not under any illusion he'll suddenly become useful when the baby arrives.

OK, you've had the talk with him before and he reverts back. So have the talk again, point out you are not his mother, he is a grown man and responsible for himself. Plus you are heavily pregnant and tired AND your ligaments are all stretching ready for birth so it is really not a good idea for you to be doing all the physical work of housework/decorating - you could easily over-strain yourself.

Decide what he is going to be responsible for, then write it all down. List of house rules kept on the fridge or kitchen wall. He needs a visual reminder, just like small children do. Refer back to house rules if he tries to weedle out of it again.

If that doesn't work, can only suggest you kick him out or make him go to Relate.

Buy a six pack of perrier or san pelligrino (the big bottles) and ask him to pick it up. Tell him that is what you are carrying around uncomplainingly day in and day out.

Point out that you have had enough of having no support and ask what he is going to do about it?

I still think he should read this thread.

On the other hand, it's rather dangerous to make yourself so unnecessary though, isn't it? Perhaps I should warn him about making me feel like a single parent.

Good suggestion edam, about establishing a clear list of things I need help with. I think I may try that before going down the relate route.

GGG, it's not just the weight of the baby, I have severe spd and can barely move some days, sleeping is generally a nightmare and I'm often in quite a bit of pain. He knows what I'm dealing with, but he's used to watching his mum hobble around full of arthritis still doing the things that need doing, so although he doesn't say it in as many words I get the distinct sense he just thinks I should stop moaning and just get on with it.

Are there any positive things about him?

Sorry fedup but he sounds like a bit of a shit.

I don't think you should get rid of him - but I do think that he needs a shake up to make him grow up. You need a partnership; rather than a martyr wife and a pasha.

Sorry.

Maybe you could do a list of things that the average adult could be expected to do for themselves

eg

get out of bed
get breakfast
fix lunch or buy it from a shop
clear up after themselves
cook dinner two or three times a week
do their share of washing, ironing and other housework
not be a tosser

It's not a list of things you need help with - that phrasing suggests they are still really your job and he's just helping out. It is a list of things grown-ups do for themselves.

CD and I will come over and give him a few home truths if you like...

We are both forceful women

He is a bit of a shit. Or he can be when he wants to be!

Yes there's plenty of positives about him to be fair, but I'm not going to go telling you how good he is at his job and how much he makes me laugh when he's in a good mood etc because right now it's overshadowed by him acting like such a selfish knob.

I've found myself defending him or telling myself he's not that bad in the past, but to be honest I'm getting to a point now where the moods are happening more often and it's not just annoying or frustrating any more, it's getting me stressed and making me scared of him even though he doesn't hit me.

This needs to be sorted fast, I'm fed up of having the same anger about the same issues. I will try edams suggestion, see how that goes, but I'll tell him that if there's no changes I want to get some help.

There's no point in leaving it til we're killing each other.

Thanks everyone for the great advice, I don't know what I'd do without MN some days!

i think we have got to the real crux of the matter.

you need him to need you. that's why you do this.

rest assured, a good solid relationship doesn't have to be based on need. it's better if it's based on respect.

ok, maybe i was talking crap. you also do it because it's expected and you don't want to provoke an argument.

lol, countess dracula, your post made me laugh.

I think that list is EXACTLY what he needs!

My additions to the list:

Put things IN the bin not NEXT TO the bin
Do something- anything- without being asked
Make your own damn phonecalls to companies
Fill in your own forms
When you're too tired to chat to me in bed, you're also too tired to ask for a blowjob.

CD's list/edam's suggestion spot on I think.

Good luck, I really hope things can be sorted out asap.

You should have a lie-in tomorrow.

Also you could use imminent arrival of baby as a way to introduce this

so i suggest saying

NOW dh, as you think I am a nag I have decided not to nag you any more. We are about to be parents (is this your first?) and so I won't have time to mother you any more and to be honest I would rather have a husband than another child. So with a view to this I have been thinking about the situations where you think I am nagging and I am convinced that if you pulled your weight in a few more areas I wouldn't feel the need to point out your shortcomings which you choose to interpret as nagging.

So
please in future could you:
get yourself out of bed (from this day forward I will not be held responsible and I will not be calling you, you have an alarm clock, use it)
get your own breakfast and lunch
tidy up after yourself
share the getting up in the night and nappy changing when the baby arrives
consider what I might need sometimes - eg anticipate when I might really appreciate a lie-in and give me one, empty the dishwasher without being asked etc.
Put your washing in teh dirty clothes basket
hang up your wet towels (or whatever your narks are with him)

Of course I am happy to continue to pull my weight but our lives are about to change out of all recognition and if we don't nip this in the bud now it will become very difficult once the baby is here as we will be so tired that all this stuff will be blown out of proportion. So let's work as a team and make a real effort to change the way we are and we will be much happier in the long run

oh and then shut up and let him talk
he may have narks with you too, best to get them out now

everything mytwopenceworth said and i'll match her £100.

He sits back and watches you hobble around in agony with spd whilst you do everything for him short of wiping his bum? What kind of man is he?

I'm sure there's also something freudian going on. He expects you to mother him but still wants sex with you? Hmmm.

I'm also a man. Your dh isn't a man, he's a spoilt little boy. He's a selfish, disrespectful tosser.

His dad died when he was young, wahh, wahh, wahh. My mum brought me up to be independent, selfless and respectful.

My advice is simply this:
Kick him in the cock. It's no less than he deserves.

Tell it like it is HappyDaddy!

Good luck with it all FedUp. Sounds like you'll need it.

What do you think would happen if you showed him this thread?

With Happy Daddy on this one.

My Daddy died when I was a baby and a result, several decades later I'm still unable to drag my sorry ase out of bed in the morning in time for work. Hello? Connection? Idle bstard more likely.

As other posters have said he needs to be sat down and told what to expect and how it's going to be when he's got a child. You can't look after two of them.

Ok the plan of action is: Sit him down and have a word tonight, but also write a few things down, for example:

You are now responsible for getting yourself up for work, I am responsible for getting myself and the baby up. I will buy you a shakeawake vibrating alarm clock so your alarm doesn't wake the baby up. After that you're on your own so get up. Make your own breakfast and lunchbox.

I want you to do some of the housework such as washing up, hoovering, washing, emptying the bin, changing the bedding or tidying. You don't always have to wait to be asked. If you see something untidy/dirty you can clean it too. Please put your shoes/coat/bag away, and don't leave wrappers/tissues etc next to the bin, put them in the bin.

I would appreciate some help with cooking simple meals at weekends such as pasta etc

Apart from breastfeeding there is nothing that can't be done by either parent, so please help with bathing, calming and changing baby, as well as the fun stuff. Please get up with the baby sometimes when he doesn't want feeding and let me have some sleep.

Please monitor your own bank balance, make your own phonecalls to companies, and fill out your own forms.

Can't think of anything else right now, but I think all of that sounds fairly reasonable, I haven't asked him to do anything horrible, have I?