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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up? Need a quick opinion on whether to let my dp sleep in and be late for work.... urgent!

163 replies

fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 06:51

My dp usually has to leave about 7am for work, he's lying in bed asleep. He can sleep through any alarm. I've called him and got an increasingly ratty response four times, and the last time was 6.35 and I said "I'm not calling you again, either get up now or lie there and be late, I don't care"

Normally I get up and start making him a coffee, breakfast and his sandwiches for the day, but he's gotten so used to me doing it (so he just has to roll out of bed and put clothes on) that now he sleeps for another 30-40 minutes while I stand downstairs fretting and trying to wake him up.

I haven't made his breakfast or lunch today because I feel like he's treating me like a mug.

Do I go and wake him up and possibly get a mouthful and him stomping around, or leave him to sleep and be late for work and possibly even more angry?

OP posts:
Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:04

Sorry for ranting. Yes a serious talk is in order, but nothing gets through. He apologises, no promises are made (and even when they are he doesn't stick to them or even remember them) and things remain the same.

I've tried explaining things will change when the baby is here, he agrees with everything I say but nothing changes. I'm at my wits end with reasoning with him, no idea where we go from here and time just ran out pretty much.

I already feel like a single parent actually, I'm the one who has got everything for the baby, done the nursery, etc He's not really that interested. I know he'll love the baby but he won't like the less fun bits.

OP posts:
Leati · 01/08/2007 08:05

Fedup

I would leave for a couple of days. Tell him you don't have energy as the baby is sapping it all. So you are going to go some place where you can rest.

And since he is a big boy; you are sure he will manage just fine.

SuperMonkey · 01/08/2007 08:06

Sorry, just realised I've made a sweeping generalisation which is clearly not always true!

CarGirl · 01/08/2007 08:07

Fedup you need to talk to him and refuse to let it turn into an arguement. Perhaps point out to him you realise that you've turned into your mother and you are not prepared to be like that anymore. Tell him you are not able to do morning duties anymore but you will make him a packed lunch if you have time the previous day.

When he asks you would you get x for me, perhaps try saying "I'd love to but I am so busy/tired that I can't this time"

He will rebel but if you keep at it he will either start being more reasonable or you will kick him out!

Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:09

I did that a few weeks ago, went to my sisters for a couple of days after a nasty row. He was most sorry for himself when he came to pick me up, but again we talked it out, he agreed to everything I said then put the TV on and forgot it had ever happened.

I can't really go flouncing off right now, I'm going to be in labour sometime in the next week or two, it's not practical, my sister lives in the middle of nowhere. Here I'm 5 mins from the hospital.

I might suggest we end up going for some counselling, I just don't have all the answers here. He needs someone else to say "You aren't doing enough, she deserves more help" and "Take responsibility for your own actions and stop shouting"

OP posts:
Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:12

He's one of those who doesn't believe when I say I'm tired/achy/hormonal but as soon as the midwife said it in antenatal class he believed it. If I could only get someone else (a professional) to tell him he's being unreasonable, he'd probably listen.

OP posts:
Piggy · 01/08/2007 08:13

How about telling him you feel rough and so you're going to bed for a couple of days? You can get up as soon as he goes to work, just make sure you're back in bed when he comes home from work. Go in the spare room then he can't pester you.

You must look after yourself.

Piggy · 01/08/2007 08:15

A girl I knew from NCT classes had a useless lump of sh*t for a husband. Her HV came to see him one evening (when baby was a week old) and really let rip about how he had to grow up and stop acting like a prat.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 01/08/2007 08:16

Well it is 8 now is he up. ?

You could wander very slowly down to the shops for bread you don't need. And then wander very slowly back.

warthog · 01/08/2007 08:17

just DON'T DO IT.

don't make his packed lunch, wake him up, make him breakfast. stop doing all the things that most of the world does for themselves. don't even talk about it. just stop. when he argues, don't rise. just tell him to grow up.

Leati · 01/08/2007 08:18

BreeVanDerCampLGJ

That is such a good idea.

earlgrey · 01/08/2007 08:19

No, no, no, there's no way I could deal with that. He is a father. He has to deal with things like dying rats on the patio, putting out the bins, and waking up.

He needs a strong shake. Is his mother still around? Not geographically, but alive - could you have a word with her?

ggglimpopo · 01/08/2007 08:21

Print out this thread and give it to him.

Then change your posting name so he can't read all your future posts if you don't want him to!

earlgrey · 01/08/2007 08:21

Sorry, FUMING at this. You make him a PACKED LUNCH? Isn't that one of the benefits of school hols, that you don't have to do them? FGS send him to M&S/Pret/wherever with £2 pocket money .....

RANT!

Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:22

I think his mother was the person who started this behaviour off. She used to make his sandwiches for him. When I remarked that I made up his lunchbox for him one day in a jokey manner, she said "hohoho, well you don't expect (his name) to do his own do you? not a chance!)

Thanks, mil.

OP posts:
FillydoraTonks · 01/08/2007 08:24

you make his breakfast and lunch?

WHY?????

JodieG1 · 01/08/2007 08:25

I have a 6 month old I'm bf and dh gets up with him every morning (ranging from 5am to 6.30am) so that I can get some extra sleep as baby still wakes 4-5 times a night to feed. Sometimes he wakes at 3am ish and stays awake for an hour or so and he gets up with him and in the morning. He's great and it makes my life easier as we also have two older children, 5 and 3.

I used to make him salads for lunch but he usually does his own now. He gives all the children breakfast most days as well. He really pulls his weight.

Don't let your partner get away with acting like a child.

Budababe · 01/08/2007 08:26

Your MIL started it - but you need to stop it. You are NOT his mother. You are about to become a mother and will not have the time, patience or energy to mother an adult.

I agree with GGG - print off this thread and show it to him.

And fedup1981's DH - grow up and be a man! This is real life. You need to take responsibilty for yourself and your family.

FillydoraTonks · 01/08/2007 08:26

"By the way, I know what you mean about men doing jobs half arsed so you will have to do them again anyway. They'll wash up in cold dirty water with the wrong cloth, or hoover a small circle in the middle of the room, or dust vaguely around ornaments without picking them up etc "

this is not the behaviour of a normal man, it is the behaviour of a total ar$e

am vert with mrfedup

Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:27

Because his dad died when he was a baby, he's used to seeing his mum do everything for him and his two sisters, but she didn't stop when she should have. She's still hobbling around racked with arthritis doing his sisters washing while she sits on her fat arse watching tv.

And they pretty much just think it's normal to let her do that, they're all in their 30s and 40's! When I go down there I offer to help and she just does this funny laugh as if to say "what for?"

She may think she's being selfless and a great mum but she's set me up with a selfish sod, that's for sure.

OP posts:
MyTwopenceworth · 01/08/2007 08:28

Have you thought about after the birth?

You do know that you will be doing everything, don't you?

feeds, changes, comforting, bathing, dressing, nighttime....

Everything.

And he will moan at you to sort the baby out if s/he cries when he's watching tv or trying to sleep.

And he won't change.

You will be a single parent with a lazy lodger.

You need to STOP. Just don't do any more. Don't mother him. No matter what he says.

He is BULLYING you into skivvying for him.

He will only get worse.

In 3 months you will be posting here for advice because you are exhausted to the point of tears as he expects you to do everything for the baby AND keep the hourse clean and tidy AND cook, wash, fetch and carry for him. And if you don't he shouts at you and tells you you are lazy.

Seriously.

Put a watch on this thread and come back in 3 months and tell me I'm wrong and I'll give you £100.

Please act now. You don't have to accept this.

auntyflorence · 01/08/2007 08:29

Fedup: why don't you, as a daily routine, try to wake him up (but only once), make him a breakfast of coffee & toast (which will be cold by the time he gets up) and a lunch of marmite & crust sandwiches.
If he complains about the poor service, then you just remind him about his poor hoovering, dusting etc etc.
Do you think that the message would get through?

Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:30

Yep, you're all right, and you've fired me up now not to accept it any more. I'm going to lie down on the sofa now and try to sleep so he can't have a go at me. If I just act less responsible, he'll have to take some of the responsibility, won't he? otherwise he'll always be late.

Daresay he'll still be angry, but at least it won't be a major row.

OP posts:
warthog · 01/08/2007 08:32

i like that auntyflorence... give as good as you get...

FillydoraTonks · 01/08/2007 08:33

I'd get him an alarm clock

He sounds like a waste of space who is taking out a lot of crap on you. The free ride is coming to an end....