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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up? Need a quick opinion on whether to let my dp sleep in and be late for work.... urgent!

163 replies

fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 06:51

My dp usually has to leave about 7am for work, he's lying in bed asleep. He can sleep through any alarm. I've called him and got an increasingly ratty response four times, and the last time was 6.35 and I said "I'm not calling you again, either get up now or lie there and be late, I don't care"

Normally I get up and start making him a coffee, breakfast and his sandwiches for the day, but he's gotten so used to me doing it (so he just has to roll out of bed and put clothes on) that now he sleeps for another 30-40 minutes while I stand downstairs fretting and trying to wake him up.

I haven't made his breakfast or lunch today because I feel like he's treating me like a mug.

Do I go and wake him up and possibly get a mouthful and him stomping around, or leave him to sleep and be late for work and possibly even more angry?

OP posts:
FillydoraTonks · 01/08/2007 08:34

it also sounds liek you are basing a LOT of behaviour around avoiding his anger

Why? Are you scared of him? Or do you hate arguments? Nothing wrong with a good argument, sometimes it needs to be done.

Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 08:34

Mytwopenceworth, I haven't got £100 to lose

I know what he's going to be like. As I said, I just wish I knew how to stop it happening. Every solution I can think of ends in tears (mine)

Do you know piggy, I bet that toddler taming book would be a good idea, or maybe a teenage taming one? I need someone to walk me through how to be a tough bitch! lol

Thanks for all your help and advice, I appreciate it. I'm going to lie down now, update later. xxx

OP posts:
mankyscotslass · 01/08/2007 08:35

You need to stop this, now, before he has you so tired and downtrodden that you can't do anything about it. He is showing you no respect and is not acting like an adult. DH works full time, I am a SAHM to a 5, 3 and 21 mth old. Dh always gets up with the older two and usually makes me a cuppa for me while I sort out the baby. I admit to making his packed lunch for work, but I usually do DS lunch for school so it's not a hardship, and he really appreciates it. As for helping in the house, I do have to sometimes give him clear instructions as to what needs doing, but he does it cheerfully and properly. You really need to talk to him and you both have choices to make. You will not believe how tiring bf a little one can be...even if you dont bf you will be shattered. He needs to grow up, be respnsible and help out. Do you really want your child to grow up thinking that this is an accepted way to behave? I agree with other posts, he is an arse, but you are enabling his behaviour too.

compo · 01/08/2007 08:36

Is he still asleep?
When the baby comes you are going to want to sleep in if the baby is sleeping in.
ou won't be able to get is breakfast abd lunch fr him.
You need to get him to wise up now otherwise you're going to have 6 months of rows

Leati · 01/08/2007 08:37

If he needs a mother figure that is fine. You can remind him that when you tuck him into his own bed.

JodieG1 · 01/08/2007 08:38

I just wouldn't wake him anymore and tell him this, if he's late it's his own fault. Tell him he needs to make his own breakfast and lunch as well as you need to rest and also you're not his servant. Don't argue about it just tell him and leave it at that. He might think you don't mean it but when he's late for work a couple of times he'll get the message.

FillydoraTonks · 01/08/2007 08:39

you are taking much too much responsibility for him

you are avoiding his anger

If you stand right back and MAKE him grow up, he probably WILL. He might shout and scream. He might bugger off for a bit. But he will.

I would consider hardcore counselling here, I think you have some very entrenched behaviours to address. How about Relate?

Magicmayhem · 01/08/2007 08:39

blimey... is he up yet?....

Leati · 01/08/2007 08:44

We are all so opinionated . It is too funny. Nothing to work up a group of women than a jerkish man.

kittywits · 01/08/2007 08:47

Stop being such a doormat. Honestly, what is wrong that you let yourself be abused like this?
Why are you allowing him to behave like this?

warthog · 01/08/2007 09:09

is he up yet?

CountessDracula · 01/08/2007 09:14

god leave him

what a big baby!

Lotstodo · 01/08/2007 09:15

Is he up yet?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 01/08/2007 09:16

Me thinks that Fedup is either sleeping or arguing.

Thelittlesoldiersmummy · 01/08/2007 09:32

oh just read the whole thread my DH was just like yours when I have our DS it was like being a single mum! Glad your taking a stand let as know how it goes

kittywits · 01/08/2007 09:33

I really hope she puts her foot down. God, I hope my sons never think it's ok to treat their partners with such contempt. I would consider myself to have done a bad job indeed in raising them if they did.

Lolly68 · 01/08/2007 09:43

A cup of water usually does the trick with my DP! Never seen a man move so fast...!

CountessDracula · 01/08/2007 10:32

well?
Maybe you are asleep on the sofa and your dh is still snoring away...

Original poster
fedup1981 · 01/08/2007 10:53

Hi,

well, I lay on the sofa but was so tense and jumping at every little sound I couldn't sleep. I lay there til 10am then decided I couldn't last any longer (and besides I was hungry and needed a wee) so I pretended I had been asleep and just woke up. I shouted "Oh my god, are you still here???" and he leapt up and started throwing on clothes.

He made his own lunch since I didn't offer to help, not a word was said until he was about to leave, then he called work, blamed it on me having a false alarm and said "aaaw, what's wrong, why do you look so sad?" so I got upset (fucking hormones!) and said "I'll talk to you about it later" but he wouldn't leave it.

So I said "I'm just fed up of being the one responsible for getting you up, so I'm not doing it any more. I tried and tried this morning and you just got more shitty with me every time. I feel like a fool some mornings running around making your breakfast and lunch while you have a nice lie in and shout at me when I try to get you up. And I can't relax until you're up, even though I'm tired too"

His face just changed and he dropped my hand and said "see you later" and left.

I know some of you might see it as caving etc to get him up rather than let him get in trouble, but the truth is he wouldn't have got into trouble, they probably wouldn't have even phoned because they're all anticipating me going into labour at any time, plus as I said, he can do no wrong at work at the moment.

But that wouldn't have stopped him being furious with me if I'd let him sleep in any longer. I'm so tired, and I'm so weary of his moods. My stomach is in absolute knots now and I couldn't take the stress any longer. It's not worth putting myself through it.

I'll talk to him tonight but I feel like it's wasted words, I need to get tougher but it's so stressful and right now I have enough to do/worry about.

Anyone fancy giving me a punch for me?

OP posts:
jaynehater · 01/08/2007 10:58

Breathe. It's not your job to make him a better person. Look after yourself, put your feet up, and see if you can calm yourself down. What a horrible way to have to feel while you're so pregnant. Horrible at any time, but particularly now. and [virtual back-rub]

ggglimpopo · 01/08/2007 11:04

You are his wife and carrying his child.

You are not: his mother, his maid or his gopher.

You are frightened of him and his moods.

You need to sort this out now.

HuwEdwards · 01/08/2007 11:05

Fedup, I'd just like to echo what FillyDora said. 'Men' generally do not behave the way your DP does.

My DP doesn't - for the simple reason that he has too much respect for me to act like that.

Don't you see it's a vicious circle? He has no respect for you, because all you do is pick up after him and try to smooth over life's little problems for him. You seem to think you must take total responsibility for him.

Stop it, for your own sake.

bozza · 01/08/2007 11:12

My DH moved straight in with me from the maternal bosom. His Mum used to wake him up with a cup of tea and have his sandwiches prepared. I doubt he ever shouted at her when she did it, he would be grumpy maybe but not angry.

However, now, ten years later, on the days I am working, he gets up (albeit after me, I have first shower), gets himself ready, gets my car out of the garage (while I am supervising the DC dressing), gives them their breakfast and has his own, supervises teeth, and then drops DS at the childminder and DD at nursery. It is possible for him to change but you need to be firm and just stop doing it for him. No need to argue.

Also I would agree with whoever said that if he is not going to get up in the night with the baby at all he should move into the spare room with all his alarms.

Lolly68 · 01/08/2007 11:13

I agree with GGG. You must nip this in bud now.

bozza · 01/08/2007 11:14

Can I just add that I am not a pathetic little lady who cannot get her own car out of the garage. It is just that we have a one car drive, so he needs to move his own car, and then get mine out, so he does it save me time, and to avoid having to tackle DD's hair.

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