Does this count as having sex?

[siring1]

I really love DH but an not too keen on sex. We don't have PIV but I will give him a hand job if he wears a condom. We share wonderful intimacy and I happily indulge him in a few kinks he has.

I worry that I'm not doing enough though. He doesn't complain. Do I do enough to count as 'having sex'.

I agree people saying 'it's not sex' comments are meaningless. That's because those PP think 'sex' is shorthand for PIV intercourse. Whereas for many people 'sex' is actually shorthand for 'sexual relations' or 'sexual contact 'or 'sexual intimacy' etc, especially for people who are not heterosexual. I use the word 'sex' in the context of the above - and so does DH. I'm not hetero but he is. So in our view, your sex life IS 'sex' because 'sex' to us is not just PIV intercourse.

But really it doesn't matter anyway - all that matters is you and your partner's happiness with your sex life. You sound like you know your partner is unhappy and then I think you have a duty to talk about it and think about how the two of you can both be happy. I don't say that at all to infer that you should start doing sexual things you don't want to do, btw, because clearly you shouldn't do that just to keep someone happy. And any loving partner wouldn't want that from you anyway and wouldn't find it satisfying.

Posted too soon. I suppose it might make sense if your DH's kinks involve humiliation and him getting off on your disgust of him. But it's not kind and it's not loving.

I suppose it is a sex act and if you both feel it’s enough to fulfil your needs for sexual satisfaction and intimacy, then it’s fine. It doesn’t really need defining as ‘sex’ or ‘not sex’.

I have to say, though, it wouldn’t be enough for most couples. The condom hand job thing sounds....unpleasant.

Incredibly Gives good advice up there actually.

Also siring do you have any sort of tactile sensory issues, is that part of your issues here? I'm just asking as I note you say you don't like cum. I'm autistic and I have tactile sensory issues, which definitely does affect our sex life. They sound different/less of an issue than yours as I don't need DH to wear a condom for a handjob, however I definitely would agree with you that I don't like cum and I do have problems with touching it sometimes especially in certain quantities and sometimes need to wipe etc. Some people may think that sounds awful, 'clinical', breaks the flow etc - it's part of my disability/special needs essentially and not something that is going away, DH and I have learnt to work around stuff as much as possible and he is understanding and compassionate, and we love each other and enjoy sexual relations with each other. I'm wondering whether sensory stuff is playing a part in this for OP as well.

Do you perform oral on him op?

Does he pleasure you in any way?

Me and dp are hardly swinging from the chandeliers but we do have penetrative sex. If this were our set up from either angle I would be worried in case their real needs were being met elsewhere. And it would be hard to blame them too.

No, that doesn't count as sex. It's foreplay.

So two women can’t have sex @Cosentyx?

id ssay it sounds vert clinical and a sex act under duress - why a condom for a hand job?

would you wesr femidom for a wank? sorry to be blunt but i dont get it?

Isn’t sex about intamacy aswell?

All the PPs saying “does that mean 2 women can’t have sex?” If a woman put on a glove and used her fingers on her partner I wouldn’t count that as sex either personally

*intimacy

Don’t agree that “sex” is solely penis in vagina either

No. That is just foreplay.

But you can kiss and talk lovingly/sexily as you give a handjob - I don't see how a condom or glove automatically turns the experience into something clinical. Spooge isn't magic.

Are you the one with the kinks OP?

Don't you want any sexual pleasure, OP?

Were you happier having a sex life when he didn't ask you to "boss him around verbally"?

Whatever it’s defined as it sounds terrible! I’ll be shocked if this doesn’t have end your marriage in the long-term.

It's a sex act, but not sex. It's also probably the least intimate one (although I don't know what way you go about it), but using a condom makes me doubt that you try to make it intimate.

What kinks do you indulge in?

If you ever read about dead bedrooms etc. or men in relationships with infrequent sex or unsatisfactory sex lives where their partners are repulsed by bodily fluids etc. the most common theme is that the man feels like less of a man because he feels like he isn't being fully accepted. I can imagine i'd feel the same if I was with a guy who wouldn't have sex on me, go down on me and said he'd play with my clit but only if he could cover me with a dental dam to act as a barrier between his fingers and me!! That would surely cause a lot of damage to a persons self esteem the longer it goes on.

It's kind of weird, unnatural and confusing, and those type of things can cause a lot of harm, because the brain often doesn't have a clue how to deal with them until the damage is done!!

I would also imagine that was open to sex and willing to accept bodily fluids etc. that would feel amazing, surprising and would be hard to resist, so I can see how cheating could happen.

I’m bemused that you don’t actually know what sex is.

For me that's not sex. Sex is sexual intercourse for me. Sex, for someone else maybe indulging in a sexual act.

If I had had a date(if I was single) with a man and he fingered me or I gave him a hand job, I wouldnt tell my friends that I had sex with him. He wouldnt be classed as a bloke I once had sex with. Cause, for me, I didnt.

If me and dp only did the same sexual act over and over again, and that's all we ever did, then that would be a deal breaker for me.

If dp only allowed one sexual act, and that act being him fingering me whilst kissing me and talking dirty and wearing a latex glove. And that's all we ever did. Then no, I wouldnt be ok with that.

It does feel like the OP is doing the bare minimum, in the hope it keeps him quiet.

I think she knew deep down, it would get to this point. But ignored it until it was obvious he wasnt happy.

She could have tried to sort this issue between them ages ago, knowing that eventually it would be just boring. I expect he thought, at some point there would be some variety.

No,I don’t think it does.

Sex, is a reciprocal, mutually enjoyed thing between a couple and that is not what you’re describing.

Wait

Wait....

Is the marriage unconsummated???

I somehow doubt two women are going to be wanking each other off whilst one wears a condom on her cock, Almost .

It’s a sexual act, could be called forplay but I wouldn’t call it “sex”.

Tossing someone off with a condom just sounds awkward and pointless to me.

Talk to him, that’s the only way you will know if he’s happy with the way things are, if he’s not happy then have you thought of seeing a sex therapist? Or your gp?

And if a hand job is sex then I have had sex with a lot more people than I though 🤔