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Original poster

Does this count as having sex?

153 replies

siring1 · 28/07/2019 15:44

I really love DH but an not too keen on sex. We don't have PIV but I will give him a hand job if he wears a condom. We share wonderful intimacy and I happily indulge him in a few kinks he has.

I worry that I'm not doing enough though. He doesn't complain. Do I do enough to count as 'having sex'.

OP posts:
avalanching · 28/07/2019 16:36

No. It doesn't sound like there is any intimacy and what you're doing is entirely functional, he could do it himself, and would probably enjoy it more as presumably he doesn't make himself wear a condom.

msmith501 · 28/07/2019 16:36

I'm thinking OP that the sex or almost lack of it and the use of a condom or not, is not really the issue here. I understand that it's the most you can do at the moment in terms of intimacy and it sounds as if your husband fully understands. I do think however that some form of therapy might be helpful - not necessarily a sex therapist although that might help (no idea) but someone to help you explore your feelings and maybe rediscover a bit of the intimacy you hint at when you first met. Small steps I think but settle for this being the new norm because it doesn't have to be.

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/07/2019 16:37

I think the healthiness of this situation depends if you doing what you do begrudgingly or because you genuinely want to too.

And whether he feels rejected by the lack of other activity or he's happy with it.

If you like doing what you do do, he's happy with it and he doesn't feel rejected then it doesn't matter what term you use for it and there's no issue.

But if you're sexually incompatible to the point either of you isn't happy or its really affecting his self esteem then it still doesn't matter what you label it as, but it may become a big issue.

LostGirl7 · 28/07/2019 16:39

Thank the lord 😁

ysmaem · 28/07/2019 16:40

I wouldn't consider a hand job as having sex.

category12 · 28/07/2019 16:44

No. It doesn't sound like there is any intimacy and what you're doing is entirely functional, he could do it himself, and would probably enjoy it more as presumably he doesn't make himself wear a condom.

Oh that's crap -it's a different feeling having his partner wank him off than doing it himself, and it is intimate - they can kiss and talk.

I bet none of you "it's not sex" people would be too happy about some other woman wanking off your partners.

AgentJohnson · 28/07/2019 16:44

I know I should talk to him but I’m worried about a can of worms.

You mean you’re scared of the truth. Are you really interested/ care how your partner feels? It must be quite demoralising to be on the receiving end of your ‘i’ll Do the bare minimum I can get away with to keep him quiet’ approach.

If you have issues surrounding sex, talk about to him and/or a professional about them because your ‘work around’, only works, if it’s working for both of you.

Catapultaway · 28/07/2019 16:46

"Of course it's sex - if someone else was performing these sexual acts with anyone's partner, they'd consider it cheating."

Considering something cheating and it being sex are 2 different things surely? It may be a sexual act, but it's not sex.

SimonJT · 28/07/2019 16:46

@category12 I wouldn’t want my partner to kiss anyone else, but it doesn’t mean I incorrectly label kissing as sex.

People say sex, when really they should be saying sexual intercourse, other things are sexual contact.

category12 · 28/07/2019 16:47

I think that's ludicrously nit-picky.

category12 · 28/07/2019 16:49

Sexual acts vs sex, I mean as the ludicrously nit-picky. OP & her partner have a sex-life. It's not conventional, it's not penetrative, but it's a sex-life.

IncrediblySadToo · 28/07/2019 16:49

@BrylcreamBeret The OP asked for opinions, to be able to offer considered opinions people gave asked questions so stop with your ridiculous comments

@mussolini9
The same to you really. The OP wants help, so people ask questions... stop calling them Sex Police and making out that they’re just nosy. Your comments are ridiculous

cookiechomper · 28/07/2019 16:50

category12, so if someone kissed your DH would you class it as sex? As I presume you wouldn't be happy about it.
A hand job is a sexual act, sure. But it's not sex. Sexual foreplay and sexual intercourse are two different things.

Beautiful3 · 28/07/2019 16:51

No, it's not sex.

rvby · 28/07/2019 16:51

Does it matter whether its "real" sex or not?

If you're both happy with your relationship, then you're absolutely fine.

It sounds like you might suspect hes not happy? In which case, if you love him, talk to him.

LuckyLou7 · 28/07/2019 16:52

Did DH know all this when you got married? Did he understand he was entering into a basically platonic relationship with the occasional hand job? Because if so, that's fine. If he thought he was going to enjoy and full and fulfilling married life with you, and then found out that's it's not something you're keen on, then you are in the wrong, particularly as you say you had sex before you married.
Do either of you see children in your future? How is that going to happen?

EggysMom · 28/07/2019 16:53

I'd say that it's sex. It's just not intercourse.
The important question, I would have thought, is what the OP's DH thinks of the situation. If he's happy, she's happy, then it's nobody else's business.

Derbee · 28/07/2019 16:55

If this is real, he’s probably having actual sex with someone else

notapizzaeater · 28/07/2019 16:56

It doesn't matter if it's classed as sex, if you and your DH are happy about the status quo that's all that matters, if not then yes you have a problem.

HaileySherman · 28/07/2019 16:56

No I don't think it counts as sex. It comes down to whether or not you are both satisfied with the level of sexual intimacy you share. The only way to know that is to talk about it with each other. I understand your fear of opening a can of worms, but just ignoring it could cause problems in your relationship. Which would you rather?

msmith501 · 28/07/2019 16:57

To reiterate my earlier point before it gets buried, the is it / isn't it question doesn't matter. What does matter is maybe starting to get to the bottom of the situation so that you can both enjoy yourselves like you used to.

category12 · 28/07/2019 16:57

Also, quite a lot of sub guys would be perfectly happy with this (which is an element OP mentions) - turns them on to only be touched in specific ways and on the dominant partner's terms, and can ruin the fantasy to have intercourse.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/07/2019 16:58

It must be quite demoralising to be on the receiving end of your ‘i’ll Do the bare minimum I can get away with to keep him quiet’ approach.

Absolutely. I'm a widow now, sadly, but our sex life expressed the delight we took in our bodies and the pleasure we could create together. OP, if I were your DH I would feel very bleak and alone. The condom adds that little edge of distaste.

You can carry on however you fancy, but I can't see your marriage lasting under these circumstances. I wouldn't put up with it if I were him.

Alsohuman · 28/07/2019 16:58

People saying it’s not sex are insane. Of course it’s sex, unless you’re actually saying that two women can’t have sex.

We all have different sexual expectations and if your partner’s happy with your sex life, it’s fine. You haven’t said how old you are but I know there are a lot of couples who don’t have penetrative sex because the menopause has fucked it up for them. They pleasure one another in different ways. And they certainly have sex.

IncrediblySadToo · 28/07/2019 16:59

@siring1. No need to answer, but you’re coming across as someone who has been abused in the past and if that’s the case you really do need 1:1 counselling to work through the impact it has had on you & any suggestions here might not help your situation

But if that’s not something that’s needed to be taken into consideration then the next step is to know what you want with your DH sexually would you prefer he didn’t touch you or or try to please you or do you enjoy it when he does? Would you enjoy PIV in certain circumstances? Has he done something that hurt you or out you off? Are his fetishes making you feel like he just wants sex - and that it’s not about sex with you specifically?!

If your DH would stop before he came would you be happy to give him
A HJj or BJ without a condom ? Letting him ‘finish off’ by himself

You do need to open the can of worms, but you also need to know what YOU want 🌷

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