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Original poster

Does this count as having sex?

153 replies

siring1 · 28/07/2019 15:44

I really love DH but an not too keen on sex. We don't have PIV but I will give him a hand job if he wears a condom. We share wonderful intimacy and I happily indulge him in a few kinks he has.

I worry that I'm not doing enough though. He doesn't complain. Do I do enough to count as 'having sex'.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 28/07/2019 15:59

No, it isn’t sex, it’s a hand job.

He may he unhappy with it, he may not, unless you are both honest about how you feel about sex you won’t know.

mrssunshinexxx · 28/07/2019 16:02

If course it's not sex

This place gets stranger threads by the day

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/07/2019 16:03

It's not sex, and a handjob with a condom is odd... is this something you want to work on?

MMmomDD · 28/07/2019 16:05

Ok - if you can’t have sex for medical reasons at this point and he is being understanding - it’s great.
It’s also good that you are at least trying to compensate and recognise that it’s possibly not easy for him.

However - you can’t avoid talking to him about it. What works, what doesn’t. What he’d like or prefer. And tell him what you think may happen in the future.
He didn’t marry you with this level of intimacy, so if this is going to be long term - he needs to decide if it’s for him.
And on another note - there are other types of non-PIV sex. And making him wear condom is such a rejection, poor man.

Original poster
siring1 · 28/07/2019 16:06

Thank you for your replies.
The brutal teplies of No have been hard to read. You've given me much to think about

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 28/07/2019 16:13

So you used to have sex and he married someone who enjoyed sex. It's very... difficult... to then expect him to be happy with a sexless life. That's not what he signed up for and, honestly, it's not something I would give up so I can understand if he is unhappy. He wants a full life and a full marriage and if sex is part of that for him then he isn't getting the marriage and life he wants. Even with the little amount of sexual contact you are willing to give him, you're making him wear a condom. It's completely unnecessary and must make him feel even more unhappy. You don't like cum? If some man refused to touch you and basically said "your vagina is icky and gross" then you'd probably feel offended or upset.

The hormonal reasons which have now put you off sex. Have you seen a doctor about That? Do you want to change It? Is it something you'd like to sort out so you can have a full marriage, or is it something you want to leave alone?

You need to talk to your husband. Find out how he feels and what he wants. Then be honest about how you feel and what you want. If you do not want to try and fix the problem then you need to consider if the relationship is still viable.

JinglingHellsBells · 28/07/2019 16:14

@siring1 What kind of hormonal problems? Are you diagnosing yourself or using this label as an excuse?

Are you older and suffering with vaginal dryness? Or do you mean you are young and have other hormonal issues like PMS etc? or a low sex drive? Whichever it is, if you have decided your hormones are to blame, you need to see a specialist via your GP.

girlinabluedressagain · 28/07/2019 16:14

I split sex into penetrative and non-penetrative sex. That's how I look at it. So yes, I think you are having non-penetrative sex.

That's not really the issue though. The issue is whether this is a satisfying sex life for both partners in the marriage, and how important a satisfying sex life is to the marriage being successful.

Dieu · 28/07/2019 16:17

Sorry if my reply was brutal Thanks I get that.
But honestly pal, I can see how this is going to end. Take it from one who knows. Sexless relationships don't survive. Or if they do, it's because the one who wants it more is seeking gratification elsewhere.
Bless you, I know you're trying, but what you're doing isn't enough to sustain your relationship. And you don't sound happy either, which is the main thing.

topcat2014 · 28/07/2019 16:18

It's the condom thing I can't get past.

Yes, non PIV if it suits, of course, but why the condom?

To me that would demonstrate a spectacularly unenthusiastic partner, tbh.

Fluffynoon · 28/07/2019 16:19

No. You know this isn't sex, otherwise you wouldn't ask. You need to have a converse with your husband, can of worms or not.

dustarr73 · 28/07/2019 16:20

Who decided on this method.Was it a joint decision.Or did you diagnose yourself and decide this what was happening going forward.

I think its odd and its not fair on your dh.If you dont want sex,its unfair to expect your dh to live his life like that.

mussolini9 · 28/07/2019 16:21

This reply has been deleted

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Dieu · 28/07/2019 16:21

And it's very, very cold to insist on a condom during the handjob, as you don't like cum. Cold and transactional. He will know that you don't want to be there.

simone1863 · 28/07/2019 16:22

Is the hand job part of his kinks OP?

SimonJT · 28/07/2019 16:24

Yeah, the condom suggests that you don’t actually like giving him a handjob, almost akin to not liking a household chore but feeling like you need to do it.

wichitalinemanswoman · 28/07/2019 16:26

It's not sex. It sounds like a household chore.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/07/2019 16:30

I can totally get the job piv aspect of a relationship, but it would appear to me that it has perhaps gone a step too far in what you are expecting your dh to be happy with.
I appreciate you don't want to open a 'Can of worms ' but in the nicest possible way I think you have taken advantage of your dh.
He has been more than understanding, but if one person isn't happy it has to be addressed one way or another.
I hope you get it sorted for both of you.

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 16:32

It’s obvious you care about how this could be affecting him, so do let him know that.

I think you should find a sex counsellor or go to GP appointment together and discuss this.

Best to do something than nothing.

category12 · 28/07/2019 16:32

I'm quite startled by how many responses have been no.

Of course it's sex - if someone else was performing these sexual acts with anyone's partner, they'd consider it cheating.

You have a sex-life, OP. Penetrative sex is not the only thing that counts and you are not obliged to deal with spunk if you don't want to. It isn't supposed to be an ordeal you go through and have to perform certain acts or have to touch ejaculate in order to meet someone else's standard of what sex is.

The only thing that matters is whether you're both on the same page and happy with what you have or not. If you want to have a more conventional sex life, then you need to address that, and I do think you need to discuss what's going on with your DH rather than being head-in-the-sand about it. but otherwise, fill your boots. Or don't.

RRJR · 28/07/2019 16:33

You need to get your hormone problem sorted ASAP

I can’t see how your marriage will survive

BrylcreamBeret · 28/07/2019 16:33

The people who are talking about the op being 'bizarre' for using a condom during a handjob, why is it bizarre? The op doesn't like cum. She doesn't have to like cum. She doesn't have to give a handjob. You pro-cum posters can knock yourselves out and lather up with all the male ejaculate you can handle (pun not intended) but the op doesn't have to explain herself to you. Confused

IamtheOA · 28/07/2019 16:34

It sounds like you're doing the bare minimum.....?
Sounds soul destroying for him

placemats · 28/07/2019 16:35

PIV isn't sex.

Otherwise Gay and Lesbians wouldn't enjoy a happy sex life.

If two people are heterosexual then who makes the call of what is sex? The man or the woman?

Sex is whatever you want it to be. Intimacy is just as important as sexual intercourse.

DrDetriment · 28/07/2019 16:35

It's a sex act (and a very clinical, not very intimate one at that given the condom) but not sex.

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