I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

Ugh

I hope she’s also getting it elsewhere.

What a disgusting specimen

To start with I was thinking that it’s ok, sex drive does drop off and if both of you are happy with less sex then it’s fine.
But then he talks about going off cottaging. What the actual fuck?

Lol I'd imagine quite a lot of mumsnetters are married to one of these. By all accounts it's more common than you'd think.

I hope she isn’t at home breaking her heart because he doesn’t desire her.

Grim. Unbelievable that he not only does it, but is suitably proud of himself that he writes about it in a national newspaper. His poor wife. I hope she’s been having a passionate affair with a gorgeous man and having loads of orgasms. I can’t fucking stand entitled shitbags like this man. Ooooh I decided no more sex with my wife but I also have sex with men in public toilets so basically I’m gay but couldn’t possibly do the decent thing and split up with my wife because I don’t give a shit about her or how she might feel about everything. Oh and she was too needy after sex anyway, FFS wanting a cuddle

It's such an odd thing for someone to admit to doing. The utter selfishness in not wanting to hold his wife after sex, in just stopping having sex with her anyway, and then behaving in such a reckless way is shocking.

And as to the practicalities - he's going to get caught one day, surely? Let's hope so.

Let’s keep it at the top of the board and pray that his wife is on here and recognised herself in the description. Disgusting way to go about things. Up to him what he gets up to but the poor woman deserves to know what he’s up to behind her back.

Has he... has he not noticed that he’s gay? He decided to stop their “vanilla” sex life (doubt that was her fault as he’s clearly gay!) to have sex with men. He didn’t stop have sex with her as she was “too emotional” afterwards, he stopped having sex with her because he’s ragingly gay

Sorry, I know we all realise it, but I don’t think he does!

Well....he's gay. Funny he doesn't say that outright...or does he?

That poor woman. I felt for her clinging to him after sex, desperate for some kind of connection.

What risks people take, though. He's doing something so seedy, something that would affect his marriage, friendships, job, even, and yet there he is, again and again, having sex in public toilets. Not even in private. Not even in a car, but in public.

And they wonder why women want same-sex public toilets.

That article will be useful in the divorce negotiations.

She probably knows. Or at least has an inkling.

On the one hand he claims he is affectionate towards her, but also says they are rarely in the same room together.

He isn't exactly being discrete, fucking people in a public loo near their home. People may well know. The poor, poor wife.

And the poor, poor wives of the men he has sex with too!

Well....he's gay. Funny he doesn't say that outright...or does he?

Well doing the maths (27 when he met his wife, 10 years of normal married life then 29 years of gay sex) he’s well into his 60s. He’s quite likely of a generation where being gay was frowned upon.

I knew a woman who strongly suspected her husband was gay. It was weird as she wasn't prepared to leave him and break up their marriage, but she seemed in utter denial abut the possibility that he was having sex with men while she was celibate. I thought it was a shame that she couldn't see that she deserved better and could maybe find love wth someone else.

Disgusting

I remember a gay guy at work was on a site for casual hook ups and he showed me the site on day when we stayed late after work.

There was a post from a guy saying "Anyone in M&S at the moment? I'm in the end cubicle if you want some fun." It was as blatant as that. Tons of posts that were similar "I'm walking my dog..." and "My wife's having a coffee so I've got 10 minutes to have fun..." etc. I couldn't believe it.

He met her at university, not at 27. It's likely his ten years of sex with his wife ended when he was around 30.

'For 29 years we have had no sexual contact'

I'm thinking the wife is ok with this.

Wow. He talks about it like it's so easy and normal, it does make you wonder, lol. I feel for his wife if she feels undesirable or thinks its her. My hope for her is that she's asexual or getting her affection-needs met elsewhere. I guess the one good thing about this is that at least he's not exposing his wife to the dangers of STD's.

Vile

It's just unbelievable, isn't it, that we're all so conditioned into believing that a woman's primary job is to be sexually attractive to men that when a man doesn't want to have sex with a woman because he prefers men it's STILL her fault ('she was too emotional and clingy afterwards').

I have gay friends who say married "heterosexual" men make up most of their casual encounters.

Surely his wife knows, who would accept this life from a young age?

She doesn't necessarily know he's gay, though after than many years I'd hope she did.