I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

One saving grace is the fact that he isn't sleeping with her wife. At least he isn't exposing her to STDs

A single female colleague is into BDSM, very open about it with her closer friends. She 'dates' both via specialist websites and going to BDSM group parties. She's looking for a long term relationship.

She says her struggle is to find single men. Listening to her most of the men on these sites are married, open about it and are saying similar to that article but rather than looking for gay sex with strangers are a looking for a submissive female or a dominant female to have some side fun with. Another common theme she says is the line of I love my wife but shes so vanilla that I don' t want her to know what I really want in bed as I know she'd be disgusted and leave me.

This kind of double life is more common that we know I fear because these people are highly motivated to get sex but to keep it totally secret. Its not the same as having an affair and with a slight wanting to be caught death wish to bring a marriage to an end.

He sounds like a pretty pathetic guy.

In the closet, emotionally inadequate, can only get his rocks off in filthy public loos with other desperados.

I hope his wife his shagging her gym instructor.

Ew yuck.
And he must be 70 ish now as well so where is he getting all these younger working men on their way home to their wives ?
Nothing wrong with older people having sex of course but surely by this age his attraction ( and I use the word loosely ) to random men must be seriously curtailed !
He sounds a bit of a fantasist to me !

Is it just me or is vanilla a nasty, snide way of referring to your sex life? Boring or humdrum is one thing, but vanilla implies unless you are trussed up like a chicken and tooled up you are doing it wrong.

He obviously has a problem with connecting with others, and opts for the most soulless relations possible.

Has he... has he not noticed that he’s gay?
That made me lol How grubby doing it in public lavs. Can you imagine women wanting to do that??

Those of you saying 'she probably knows'; how would she know?

Serious question.

I ask, because it's often used as a way of getting the woman to share some blame when her husband does something nasty/criminal, and it's discovered.

I wouldn't have a clue if my husband was doing something like this.

His W was 35 when he ‘decided’ to stop sex with her.
So plenty of time to leave.
Given that she is mid 60s now and probably has grown children, and possibly grand children - I sincerely hope she never finds out.
Whatever their life has been she has adjusted to it and can’t change the past.
The pursuit of truth isn’t always the best thing.

Mine’s just popped out to buy wine and salad - I’m wondering now ...

I’m guessing that the sympathy for his wife is based on the assumption that she has a healthy sex drive. Some people don’t and are perfectly happy never to have sex. She could easily be one of them.

It sounds odd but I once noticed 2 men hanging about by the public loo near our park. I pointed out to a friend who is bi and he said breezily "yes dear, sometimes the daddies will 'go for a quick ... trip to the lav" and winked at me. It's apparently well documented among men these are pick up spots. Possibly why men are so suspicious about women going in groups/pairs too, come to think of it!

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate.

Arrogant arsehole

In agreement with all opinions here. I’d also like to know where his (and the men he meets) consideration is of children using these public toilets? My son is 11, too old for me to take into the female toilets... what happens when we are in a train station around 6pm while he and his fellow cheating conquests are shagging in a cubicle? Selfish fucker on so many levels.

What a disgusting individual. He is clearly gay and it sounds like he doesn't like women very much, too clingy and emotional. Men are so much better, quick shag in a public toilet then goodbye. I think he is living in fantasy land tbh, it's hard to believe he is getting so much action at his age.

And that is why, women should get the courage to move on when they start describing their marriages as “we are just like brother and sister, I feel neglected and ignored but he is an amazing dad”.

Honestly, whatever people think about splitting up, there is far more honesty and dignity in leaving a wife than getting casual sex in bathrooms with strangers.

Grim.
One of my friends cleared out her fathers townhouse after his death and found so much gay porn and evidence of past and recent homosexual liaisons. He'd even a young Thai boyfriend who came out to claim a stake of the will.

The guy was in his 80's and his poor wife was in care.

Nobody suspected and she was and still is totally distraught that her father had a completely secret life.

I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

He went off sex because he's gay...

There was a public toilet near where I live that had become a very well known cottaging venue. The council had to close it down it got so bad.
Gender neutral toilets anyone, imagine being desperate for the loo & walking in on this?

myredcardiganbob
I worry about this too. My sons are under 10 and refuse to go in the ladies. Where I can I get them to go together and stress no loitering.
Mind you , its not even necessarily in loos.

I used to cross a cemetery in London on my bicycle commute and there were so many guys having barely concealed liaisons it was unreal.

This is another reason women do not want gender neutral toilets. What a grubby little man.

Wow. Yeah, he’s gay. But hey, it’s all his wife’s fault for being so damn emotional.

For 29 years we have had no sexual contact.

The wife is obviously happy enough to live like this or she would have left. More likely she likes the lifestyle he provides, he's probably loaded, that's why s she stays. Everyone has a price.

Oh, it's just...vile. So, so vile. All of it. All of him. What a seedy, nasty, disgusting excuse for a lust-filled human being. He is nothing but a shell of vilness. There is no core to him, except being filled with oodles of toilet cubicle random cum.

This sort of article, no dilemma or discussion, is a deliberate normalising of disgusting behaviour.

we're all supposed to be ashamed of pearl clutching for thinking it's vile.

They met at university and he is two years older than her, so she would have been 18/19 and he was 21/22, I suppose. Married when he was 27 and she was 25. He says he (arrogant bastard) decided after the first ten years there would be no more sex. That suggests she was well under 30 at that point and they hadn't been married very long, so I'd be surprised if they have children. Maybe she didn't want any. Most women in a sexless marriage who do want children would get out sharpish once it became clear there wasn't going to be any sex.

Sex ended 29 years ago, so he's probably around 60/61 now. That's not all that old these days (I am not much younger!) so perfectly feasible that he's still working and still sexually active with all these casual pickups. Yeugh.

Can't see why they are still together unless there were children. He says they are rarely even in the same room.