How do you forgive your boyfriend for not proposing?

[Lostromantic]

Hi all, I need help and I'm not sure what to do. And this story will likely go back to why buy the cow when the milk is free I know it. - so I've been with my boyfriend for five years and no ring. (Sigh) I made it very clear this was something I wanted from day one. I took the route of not nagging him but I would bring it up once a year or so. We moved in together after a year, bought a house, and have a ten month old baby. All along the way I've still made him aware it was something I wanted. For fucks sake I even bought the wedding bands a few years back. He all the time has stated he wanted it too. But after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement. Btw I'm 35 and he will be 37 this year. We are not babies. So on Monday I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart. I wish it were different but it's time we separate. Of course he says he is sorry and wish he could change it, BUT is it too late to have that special feeling? Am I dumb if I believe him? How do you forget and forgive him for not making you a priority in his life. Why couldn't he just ask on his own? Are men really that lazy with marriage proposal when they truly love someone? Is this forcing him to marry me? Ugh should I just stick to my guns and leave? We do love each other.

@Hooferdoofer37 we talked it out. He wants to propose soon, but I will give him until the end of the year. Hopefully a date will be set in the next couple of months. I'm just not sure if I really want a wedding or to just get married. But he is definitely going to propose. He just needed a kick in the butt to get him moving along.

Marriage needs to be viewed as a legal contract first and foremost. Whatever romantic feelings you get from being married will soon wear off, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. But the legal implications are the main thing.

An update, he has proposed! Thank you all for you kind words and advice!

Congratulations 🎉

i left my xp after five years when i brought up when we might get married... and he said he wasn't that bothered but would do it if i wanted to. then asked if he still had to bother proposing.

fuck that for a game of soldiers.

i totally get where you're coming from op. but for me it was the final piece of evidence that he just wasn't that bothered about the relationship generally and had no forward direction or plan for us.

i wanted to be with someone who wanted me as much as i wanted them and i wasn't prepared to settle.

only you know if that's the situation you're in.

my self esteem has sky rocketed since i left him.

sorry op didn't read the full thread did i!

congratulations!!!

I hate that term 'a house and a baby are way more commitment than a piece of paper'. No they aren't! It takes one moment of fun to make a baby in some cases and everyone needs to live somewhere. Getting married is more than a piece of paper and obviously by the fact many people are left in the shitter financially if they don't get married, that proves it's more than a 'piece of paper'. I'm pretty sure commitment phobes hardly ever get married but plenty have kids and buy houses.

If people don't want to get married of course that's fine but to say people that do are doing it for a bit of paper sounds so tacky. You get married to show your partner you are commited to them. Having a baby with them is not committing to them, it's committing to being a parent. Totally different things. People that think having a child together is the ultimate bond live with their head in the clouds. We wouldn't have a load of single parents if having a baby was the ultimate bond

If he wants you to stay, he'll propose properly and organise a wedding pdq, now that you've made your position clear. If he doesn't act, then you're probably better off leaving ( or rather getting him to leave as it's your house.)

Lots of abused women still can't stop their ex-partners trying to dictate access to the children. If you have a child with someone that person will, 99% of the time, always be in your life somehow. That's what people mean by babies being the biggest commitment - doesn't necessarily mean it's an intentional commitment.

Just seen your update - congratulations, am very glad he stepped up!

My husband and I married after 12 years together (granted we were 16 when we got together).
Towards our later twenties though, he just didn’t see how marriage mattered. I had to make it explicitly clear that it did matter to me...and then he just said ‘oh, let’s get married then’.
My husband hasn’t got a romantic bone in his body, but I love him to pieces anyway.

Oh and congratulations!!
Sometimes they need to be told what to do 😉

I get why your upset I really do this was pretty much me 7 years ago ( minus the baby )

Except he said he would propose before the year was out ... then didn’t ... he forgot.

I was upset because I didn’t get how you could forget such a thing ... we had a few conversations and I time forgave him and he proposed soon after that

Que the long engagement and 6 years later we brought a house and got married ... and had a baby ...

You can forgive him if you want to and you two have a baby so far more to stay together for, but I really would let him know this is something he needs to do ... and perhaps have a shorter engagement than we did 😉
Just try to heal and be open with him about what you want to work towards ... that you want to save for your wedding go to wedding events and get married before you are x age and that you won’t be waiting forever because you are worth it x

It kind of sucks if you had to ask/force your DP to propose. Genuinely, congratulations tho

Congratulations on the proposal. There is so much wrong with this thread though!

Would the people saying ‘don’t marry because you’re in a strong financial position’ say the same to a man? Why are women’s careers seen as disposable but men’s not? Not wanting to get married is not an indicator of not loving someone. It’s perfectly possible to not want to commit legally to someone for life because how does anyone know they’ll feel the same or want the same things in 5,15,50 years time?

There's been a lot of judgmental and nasty comments on this post.

I can totally see why you'd be upset OP. From what I have read, I don't think you want a grand gesture or a big, romantic proposal... You just want the man who you want to marry and to call your "husband" so desperately to feel that same way about you.

I've know of girls who have been with their partners a year and they have been proposed to. I have been with my partner 5 years and he still hasn't proposed. It makes me think that either A) There's something wrong with me. Maybes I'm not wife material or B) He still hasn't decided whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me/ he doesn't love me in the way that these men who do propose after a short time love their partners.

I really do understand and share your disappointment. It's not a nice feeling.

I've told my partner on multiple occasions that I would be happy with a cheap ring (I'm not a flashy person) and I would elope. We've both talked about marriage and he wants to get married abroad with no guests. I'm in agreement with that. It's a marriage we both want, not the crazy expensive "wedding day" (but absolutely each to their own!) He knows my ring size too, but still no proposal. I have out right asked him "why haven't you proposed yet? " or "what's stopping you?" and he's only ever really responded by saying "the more you talk about it the less I want to do it" and "I get to decide when I propese to you, you don't get to put pressure on me ". He sometimes gets a bit pissed off when family/friends encourage him too. I should mention he was engaged before when he was in his early 20s. Not sure what to think about it to be honest.

In regards to those saying "propose to him". As girls/women, we have been conditioned from a very young age to aspire to marriage and have been taught that a man will propose to the woman he loves. All that Prince and Princess crap. You can't blame any woman for wanting and expecting a proposal after half a decade.

Stupidly, I didn't continue to read through all of the comments and missed your engagement announcement post (clearly to angry at some of the mean comments). Congratulations x

He has been married- girl cheated and did take advantage of him financially ........ rings and happily ever after ? - he's done that and got the scars to prove it, not something you forget.

We are all the sum of our experiences and being "taken-out" in such a fashion is going to act as a marker in your life book. The problem with an ultimatum ( marry me or you know where to catch the next bus from ) is that you're not certain if he's going to take that step because he genuinely wants to or only because he doesn't want to lose you. That may be the same difference to you but its not to him. It maybe that he needs that push to get him over the line or maybe it's really not what he wants. not really. You need to have an honest conversation, balls on the line don't tell teacher. You have to know what he's really thinking and what going to make him happy. Marriage has to work for both of you. It's not a game you want to be on the shitty end of, he's already got the smell up his nose on that one. Talk to him but listen to what he says.

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