How do you forgive your boyfriend for not proposing?

[Lostromantic]

Hi all, I need help and I'm not sure what to do. And this story will likely go back to why buy the cow when the milk is free I know it. - so I've been with my boyfriend for five years and no ring. (Sigh) I made it very clear this was something I wanted from day one. I took the route of not nagging him but I would bring it up once a year or so. We moved in together after a year, bought a house, and have a ten month old baby. All along the way I've still made him aware it was something I wanted. For fucks sake I even bought the wedding bands a few years back. He all the time has stated he wanted it too. But after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement. Btw I'm 35 and he will be 37 this year. We are not babies. So on Monday I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart. I wish it were different but it's time we separate. Of course he says he is sorry and wish he could change it, BUT is it too late to have that special feeling? Am I dumb if I believe him? How do you forget and forgive him for not making you a priority in his life. Why couldn't he just ask on his own? Are men really that lazy with marriage proposal when they truly love someone? Is this forcing him to marry me? Ugh should I just stick to my guns and leave? We do love each other.

I have been with my partner for 7 years he prosper after 6. Maybe try not to make such a big deal over it. Can I ask why you feel engagement is so important?

Prosper 🤨
I meant proposed lol

He doesn't want to marry you

I think he will marry you if you push the situation but he doesn't want to

I don't think he really knows why he doesn't want to marry you - but he doesn't want to

That's my opinion

It sounds to me like he is committed and maybe doesn't feel the need to get married. However you do (and so would I). I've read so many threads on MN about how precarious life is for women who have a child without marriage although it seems less so for you since you own your house.

I think you have got distracted by the romantic proposal idea. Is he that kind of person? Does he do romantic gestures spontaneously? If not then I would stop looking for something that won't happen and focus on what you do want.

Have another talk. Tell him it is really important to you to get married so you want to get on with it. Is he in or out? If he says he is in them start planning a wedding together.

Mind you having read the rest of the thread I wouldn't get married not when the house is mine. I've had 2 husbands both of whom started very romantically and both ended with divorce and them taking a big chunk of my money. I could be retired and mortgage paid off by now but I'm still working.

It’s a shame that so many posters here don’t get the problem. I can see it quite clearly.

It seems to me you don’t feel secure in the strength / longevity of his feelings for you. You want a big proposal because it would be evidence of how much he loves you. If his behaviour showed you that he loves you every day then this wouldn’t be so much of an issue.

IME no, a man who really wants to marry someone isn’t prevented from proposing by laziness.

You need a very honest conversation where he can say how he feels and what he wants without you getting upset, and vice versa.

And I can’t believe that some posters are coming out with the “piece of paper” line - marriage is not just a piece of paper, it provides lots of legal benefits. And moreover, it’s an expression of love and commitment and it’s perfectly normal to want that.

If you wanted to be with him forever and wanted a wedding ring to prove it then breaking up with him for not proposing is not a great thing to do.

You say you have a baby and you own the home so it's just so hard now for you to know If he proposing becuase he wants to or is he proposing becuase you dumped him and he feels he doesn't have a choice if he wants to stay in your home with his child.

You definitely need to talk some things out before he proposes as you don't want him to secretly resent you for forcing his hand and you don't always want to wonder if he actually wants this.

Mind you having read the rest of the thread I wouldn't get married not when the house is mine. I've had 2 husbands both of whom started very romantically and both ended with divorce and them taking a big chunk of my money. I could be retired and mortgage paid off by now but I'm still working.

Good point @madcatladyforever - very good point. I will never marry again for this very reason. Can a partner (not married) make a-claim if he is simply living with you , should you split up?

My friend was frustrated for the same reason a few years ago op. She waited patiently besides the odd moment of frustration around the 5 year mark. On their 6 year anniversary she got a lovely proposal and after a 2 year engagement they got married. They are very happy. I'm not saying don't leave, I'm just saying think carefully.

“My putting my foot down made him realize how much he doesn't want to lose me. No we are not engaged still lots more to figure out, but at least we are starting down that path”
What is there to figure out?

I know exactly where you are coming from OP. We are 12 years in now and no proposal in sight, despite me being very clear that marriage was what I wanted. No kids together but each of us has grown up one's from previous relationships. Neither of us has been married before. We are fully committed to each other, have a mortgage together and many plans for the future but sadly marriage is not something he wants. I had to make the decision on whether or not I wanted to be with him and unmarried or with someone else and married.

Hm, while I completely understand wanting the honeymoon period and romance of an engagement, at this point you are connected far more than if you were married. A child will leave you far more connected to a man than a marriage would, as you can end the latter.

It does sound like he has settled into a married life without really going through the motions. His response, while absolutely rubbish to hear, really doesn't surprise me. In his eyes, he probably sees your child as a greater connection than a marriage would be, and I completely agree. Could it be that there are other external financial pressures (from potentially your young child?) which are making him hesitant on shelling out a lot on a ring when in his eyes nothing will change?

At some point, if you want to get married to this man, and not just the idea of a wedding, then sit him down and say you want to get married, not you want him to propose. If he agrees, great, you are engaged and can start planning a wedding. If not, you know where you stand.

Tradition only gets you so far, and technically you've already thrown that out the window by moving in together and having a child.

I do feel for you about wanting the spontaneous romance, but I think some guys don't have it in them or don't think about it like we do, and need a third party dig.

I told my OH that I would not buy a house with him unless we were engaged- effectively an equal commitment. He did get a ring but then didn't propose for months, so I actually made plans to propose to him! Funnily enough he did so a few days before my chosen proposal (which I did anyway) but I was fully on point of proposing to him. And actually, it was really fun to do so.

I agree with your earlier post that you want a great marriage, which does not necessarily translate to a great proposal. At the end of the day it should be the man you want, not the sentiment of a ring he puts on your finger. He wanted a child with you and to me that proves his commitment.

It does sound like you both have different priorities in the relationship here.
With my DH when we met he made it clear he always wanted children.
I already had a 1 year old from a previous, disastrous relationship.
I could have happily not had any more children.
DH stated to me that children were definitely something he wanted.
I stated that to have another child I wanted the security of marriage and buying a home.
DH then proposed when we were in Australia, it was lovely and really romantic.
With the great gift of hindsight though I do wonder why I was so keen on the marriage and it's the children that are the big commitment.
DH's brother had 4 children and then he and sis in law got married with their 4 children as part of their big wedding which was lovely.
I think key is communication though. You sound as though you don't really know what's going on in your partners head.

I think some people haven't read the thread. This comment stood out to me:

Give how easily men can walk away and pay nothing for their child I don't see a baby as a true commitment these days.

They are totally right. A child is no longer a guaranteed commitment. Some men just disappear as soon as they can.

You also don't own a house together. Not commitment. It's your house only.

You don't have any commitment to each other. And I doubt you're ever going to. Guaranteed if you split up, he will marry someone else in a year.

If you do plan to marry him, speak to a solicitor first to ensure the house can't be legally half his ever, even once married. You could still get divorced and he will take half, meaning he's basically taking half away from your child. Don't let that happen.

Have a date in your head and if he hasn't talked about marriage or proposed by that time then you should think about leaving him. He knows its important to you and he's chosen not to do it.

'She waited patiently besides the odd moment of frustration around the 5 year mark. On their 6 year anniversary she got a lovely proposal and after a 2 year engagement they got married.'

That's nice for her, but I mean, what a depressing narrative - woman waits patiently and submissively for the fate of her relationship and a key aspect of her life to be decided for her by a man and is finally rewarded by being 'chosen'. Really, is that what we want?

I didn't have a 'proposal'. Dh and I had a very brief and unromantic conversation (initiated by me), 2 and a bit years in. We were married 6 months after that and it'll be 19 years this autumn. The 'romance' comes with the taking this step together, and after that with the increasing satisfaction of an enduring and deepening relationship (which of course you don't have to be married for, but it was important to us).

Every time I see these types of questions on MN I think of the film "he's just not that into you". It's a crappy rom-com but has a very clear message - if a man wants to call you, he will call you. If a man wants to see you, he will see you. If a man wants to marry you, he will marry you. If he doesn't do those things then "he's just not that into you".
Perhaps you should watch it.

I find myself losing sympathy very quickly with OPs who are waiting for surprise romantic proposals from someone they have been living with and having children with for 5 years. Particularly when they have been suggesting a surprise romantic proposal every year of those 5 years. Particularly when they sit down and explain to the bloke concerned how important it is to them and the bloke says he’s sorry, he didn’t realise and that conversation finishes with them still not engaged.

I know of two couples who were still not married with kids years down the line. The first was about 6 years into a LTR and the woman proposed to the guy in the end. The second had 2 kids and was dropping hints left right and centre for years! Anyway at the 10 year mark he finally proposed and they are just about to get married!
My point is that people do wait longer to marry these days. I don’t think it’s uncommon actually!

I gave (now) DH an ultimatum.

He knew I wanted to get married but he wasn't sure. From previous experience (own and others) I took that to mean he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry ME.

So I said to think about it. No major rush. There was an event coming up in about 10 months so I said that if he hadn't decided by then it meant that in his heart of hearts he didn't want to marry me so I'd have to go and find someone who did. He knew that I meant it so asked me a couple of months later.

Still married nearly 20 years later.

Not sure when or if he'd have ever got round to it without a bit of pressure.

Why should his ambivalence trump your wish to marry?

Hi OP.

We have been married 5 years together for 12. When I was pregnant with our planned baby my DH was away at war for 6 months. Call me crazy but I wanted a ring so that when I went to all my medical appointments I would feel better.

I text him to say I think we should get engaged and he told me to go and pick a ring.

I do feel disappointed that this was the one time where he could tell me how he felt. We aren't romantic at all. Watching tv and films etc still reminds me of this. If I hadn't asked him I know he wouldn't have asked me.

Just say to him I think now is the time to get engaged. See what he says?

I second don't get married if you own the house! You'll have to give him half of it if you split.

What purpose would getting married serve at this time really?

For people saying its just a piece of paper friends of mine have just married quickly as she is about to die and he dowsnt have any right to anything of hers. They have been togther 40odd years and got married in the last two qeeks of her life as there are no rights of unmarried couples when it comes to death.
Ita not a piece of paper it stopped people ending up in terrible situations divorce and death are awful but they happen and you need to.protect yourself

There was a thread a while ago about reasons to get married. You should try to find it. Whether you believe in marriage or not he is leaving you and baby in a very precarious position if he doesn't marry you. You don't need a big wedding but you do need that legal piece of paper and if he doesnt do it in 6 months let him go. He never will.

My putting my foot down made him realize how much he doesn't want to lose me. No we are not engaged still lots more to figure out, but at least we are starting down that path.

Be wary. After five years, if you have this talk with him and you’re not engaged within the next three or so months he’s just stringing you along.

I agree with this. When is Disney? If you aren’t engaged by then I don’t think he should go. It’s a big holiday to have your major memory of it wondering if he will propose, and if he is in it for the long haul he owes it to you to make up his mind. You can tell him this decision — it’s not emotional blackmail, it’s just a reflection of how you feel.