How do you forgive your boyfriend for not proposing?

[Lostromantic]

Hi all, I need help and I'm not sure what to do. And this story will likely go back to why buy the cow when the milk is free I know it. - so I've been with my boyfriend for five years and no ring. (Sigh) I made it very clear this was something I wanted from day one. I took the route of not nagging him but I would bring it up once a year or so. We moved in together after a year, bought a house, and have a ten month old baby. All along the way I've still made him aware it was something I wanted. For fucks sake I even bought the wedding bands a few years back. He all the time has stated he wanted it too. But after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement. Btw I'm 35 and he will be 37 this year. We are not babies. So on Monday I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart. I wish it were different but it's time we separate. Of course he says he is sorry and wish he could change it, BUT is it too late to have that special feeling? Am I dumb if I believe him? How do you forget and forgive him for not making you a priority in his life. Why couldn't he just ask on his own? Are men really that lazy with marriage proposal when they truly love someone? Is this forcing him to marry me? Ugh should I just stick to my guns and leave? We do love each other.

Act on your intuition and leave. It didnt work out. Shame perhaps or blessing perhaps.
You will be ok.

Not being valued totally erodes your sense of self.

Why did you have a baby with him before getting married if it’s important to you?

But @Lostromantic this is crazy, sorry.

You have a child together. You are both old enough to be making better decisions than this.

Love is about caring for each other and your family, and building a future together.

You're way beyond the 'romantic proposal' stage.

Sit down together. Be honest about what you want. Talk about your future.

If you feel he's not committed and you can't see that a secure future, which for you includes marriage, is not his priority, then you need to deal with that, and that's the bigger issue.

Not the proposal / rings / swept off his feee stuff.

Pointless to ask why shehad ababy.

It is possible that with one failed marriage behind him he knows that you are not what he is looking for in marriage two.

If that is the case, leave him..

after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement

I don't get this at all. You're 35, living with your partner and have a child together, you're not a giddy teenager.

We do love each other
^ THIS and communication should be your priorities.

My other half doesn't make grand romantic gestures, has never proposed as such, but we've been together for almost 44 years and yes, we have married, but that was a grown up decision we took together. It was a shall we get married? rather than a will you marry me? and no surprises, scary stuff or fireworks, but it works for us.

Thanks all for the views. Maybe I was just holding out for the romantic part and we are past that. - I do love him and maybe my want for marriage has made me a bit crazy. I always seen him as my future husband and he led me to believe I would be his wife. So the baby and the house were okay to me because we were moving in that path. But time kept passing and nothing. So the more time passed the more it was looking like a forever boyfriend.

I mean if a guy truly loves a girl, why wouldn't he want her to be his wife? This is the part I'm really having trouble with. And after five years a man should know.

This isn't a question about whether I seen him as my husband because clearly I truly did and it breaks my heart to think he doesn't see it the same. That's why I was okay with the baby and house. To me he was going to be my husband.

I understand OP. The heart wants what it wants. Why shouldn’t you get a big romantic proposal. It’s important to you. Why should you compromise that. Some people want a Ferrari and sacrifice to get that. I don’t care about cars and I’m happy driving a cheap thing. Neither thing/want is wrong. Where you went wrong was not being overt when you first met and being black or white about your need. You should have said there’s no moving in together or babies or stuff until I get what I want. All of my friends who have stuck to their guns on this have ended up with a man who gets it and meets their need for that proposal. It’s about compatibility. You’re not compatible if you aren’t getting your needs met.

Sensible words from StarJumpsandaHalf

Right now you have nothing to lose.
Tell him, yes or no does he want to marry you..
If no then tell him you feel used and that in not marrying does he think something better is out there, and he can do one.
If he says yes, he wants to marry tell him, ok your engaged, you want wedding in march? And he can help sort it..
If he backs down, tell him no , marry or split up.

I have been married for thirty years. He didn't really propose but we got engaged because it was expected and we had the full white wedding and it was a nice enough day. But - there was a fair bit of stress and expense not realky wirth it looking back.

What has been important is our relationship and family life. Don't walk away if you are happy in every other area of your relationship and family life fir a party and a ring. However, if it is that important to you and not him maybe you should leave and look for a new potential husband.

I hear you OP. I wanted my DP to make the effort to propose to me even though we’d been together for a few years and I was fairly certain we’d stay together even without marriage. It’s one of the only times in your life when there’s an expectation of romance, and the story gets re-told to people and to your kids forever. I guess I wanted to feel special, like our commitment was important enough for him to take action to secure it. A proper decision to be together rather than just sliding into it.

Needless to say he didn’t propose. I told him
I wouldn’t stick around without marriage and gave him a reasonable time frame to make his mind up. He still didn’t propose by the deadline. So I started packing my bags and arranging to move out. Emotionally I was already withdrawn from the relationship. And then he decided to propose in a last minute panic with zero effort on his part. It was so confusing, I was already processing those breakup emotions and my lease on the new flat was signed to start in two weeks time, then he proposed.

I said yes. But I still felt robbed of that romantic experience, of someone choosing me of his own accord rather than having to be pushed into it at the last minute. Plus the lack of effort to make a romantic gesture, I wanted it to be special and he just didn’t care enough to make that effort. I felt relieved and let down instead of thrilled. I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven him for that, or ever will.

In your situation I don’t think there’s much you can do except leave. But even if he asks at this point, you’ll feel like you’ve pushed him into it instead of him choosing you. And that feeling stays with you.

I think what you're feeling is valid.

If you think you both want something and then you find out after a long time that they actually dont want the same thing as you then it can be hard.

Ia it possible that buying a house and having a baby within 5 years has not left much room for saving for a ring?

Fwiw we got engaged when wed been together for 9 years and I felt that because neither of us put pressure on each other it felt so special x

Why can't you just sit down and either agree to get married or not?

I typed my post before reading some of your later replies OP and now I've seen them it's sounding less like a need for surprises and romance and more like you're concerned that you're not actually on the same page.

It's now sounding like he's been 'once bitten' and you fear he isn't as committed as you are?

Apologies if I'm way off the mark there.

We never had thrills etc, dh said he was going to marry me then we went to sleep. It’s not like in the movies.

I think 5 years is long enough.

And after five years a man should know
Maybe he does know and that’s why he hasn’t proposed. Because he knows he doesn’t want to marry you. You’re good enough to share the bills and have his baby but not good enough to actually commit his life to.

I mean if a guy truly loves a girl, why wouldn't he want her to be his wife? This is the part I'm really having trouble with. And after five years a man should know.

Yes you are are totally right and you know it. He doesn't want to marry you. That's why it hurts. It's not difficult or complicated and it doesn't have to be expensive.

Millions of people on minimum wage get married every year - because they both want to.

Why did you have a baby with him before marriage if that was important to you?

I think you either have to accept the situation as it is and know you won't ever get married but protect yourself and your child legally and financially or leave. Marriage from a place of love is not happening here.

The thrills and scary stuff make you sound like a 19 year old living with her parents, not a mature woman with a good job, a mortgage and (most importantly) a child. You need to get your head out of the clouds and have a serious chat about setting a date. Good luck.

I’m wondering if his heart isn’t really in it and you’re being strung along a bit. I had a friend with a partner like this. They were together for about 6 years with a house and two kids. He wouldn’t commit to marriage, they didn’t need it, just a bit of paper blah blah blah. She eventually said she wouldn’t carry on without the commitment and he moved out. He was married to somebody else within a year. He just took her for granted and didn’t care enough to do it.

We've been together 8 so way more than your 5. I see our mortgage and house a good commitment to be honest. We haven't any children. I know he loves me and I love him. We will get married at some point but neither is any rush. He knows if he did propose I'd say yes but I don't want to be engaged for years. We are 40 so when it happens it won't be a crazy big thing anyway, for me it's about the marriage not the day.
You feel very strongly about this so maybe you can't see past it? Ultimately your decision but seems drastic to me.

Honestly, no one I know got proposed to like it happens in movies.

You have to talk about it. DH and I talked about getting married, we planned to get engaged and he asked me. It was a planned engagement but still lovely and special.

I don’t understand this waiting around for him to ask you stuff, if you want it you need to make it happen.

OP, have you considered the affect the end of his first marriage had on him? How his wife cheated on him and took advantage of him?

You say he should realise that isn't the case for you, that you won't do the things she did, but I'm sure he never thought his first wife was capable of doing the things she did either. I'm not at all saying you are anything like her, but maybe he is afraid of history repeating itself? Especially now there's a child involved.

”I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart.”

Did he say at that point that he does want to marry you? If he remained silent on the subject after you said that, then you have your answer, surely.

@rightteous yes that's a fear of mine. His brother was with a girl for 7 years and no proposal. Then bam married the next girl after like 6months. Ugh heartbreaking. His other brother also with his wife now for less than a year and they were married.

Is it wrong to want a husband? Because we already have a child am I supposed to just accept that he doesn't have to marry me and that's okay?

It’s 2019, not 1959. You are not the heroine of a Jane Austen novel. You don’t actually have to sit and wait for a man to propose to you. Women wanted equality and now we have it. If you want to get married, propose to him. Alternatively, have a calm, sensible, adult discussion with him and agree that you are going to get married on X date then start making the arrangements.

Good luck.