How do you forgive your boyfriend for not proposing?

[Lostromantic]

Hi all, I need help and I'm not sure what to do. And this story will likely go back to why buy the cow when the milk is free I know it. - so I've been with my boyfriend for five years and no ring. (Sigh) I made it very clear this was something I wanted from day one. I took the route of not nagging him but I would bring it up once a year or so. We moved in together after a year, bought a house, and have a ten month old baby. All along the way I've still made him aware it was something I wanted. For fucks sake I even bought the wedding bands a few years back. He all the time has stated he wanted it too. But after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement. Btw I'm 35 and he will be 37 this year. We are not babies. So on Monday I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart. I wish it were different but it's time we separate. Of course he says he is sorry and wish he could change it, BUT is it too late to have that special feeling? Am I dumb if I believe him? How do you forget and forgive him for not making you a priority in his life. Why couldn't he just ask on his own? Are men really that lazy with marriage proposal when they truly love someone? Is this forcing him to marry me? Ugh should I just stick to my guns and leave? We do love each other.

I think you are caught up in a fantasy, a social media, picture perfect proposal. Which is fine but it isn’t necessarily reality.
Can’t you just talk to him openly and calmly and see if he still wants marriage?
You mention He has been heart broken in the past, maybe he is just nervous?
Put aside all the expectations and have a real conversation with DP.

Incidentally my DH didn’t get down on one knee and give me hearts and roses and flowers, he simply said I love you, can we get married please. I will never forget the look on his face. It wasn’t a big show, it wasn’t photo worthy, it was just private and lovely.

No OP

Is it wrong to want a husband? Because we already have a child am I supposed to just accept that he doesn't have to marry me and that's okay?

It's the exact opposite, in my opinion

Because you already have a child, are together some time, marriage seems like absolutely the right step.

You clearly want it. Does he? You need to talk to him, and not in a dramatic way. Find out where he's at. Explain why it matters to you. See if there are issues affecting him from his last relationship.

Then make a decision on your future with him.

I appreciate all the perspectives everyone, thank you.
Some of you have made me feel a bit dramatic and maybe I am-I am a female and it does happen from time to time. Thanks for the reality check. Lol
I think I will talk to him again, I just worry that i would regret not having that special moment. So hearing others who have similar stories definitely helps. I'm still confused on how to proceed but hope to figure it out.

@EarringsandLipstick thank you!

I'm definitely going to sit down and talk to him. And maybe I won't have the proposal I want, but maybe a great marriage instead!

I think the issue here is his previous marriage. I know where he is coming from. I got divorced and said ‘never again’. It was an absolutely awful marriage and the divorce nearly destroyed me. I think he wants you and your relationship. He is probably still hurt by the past.
FWIW I met a new man and had a child. He rally wanted us to get married. I didn’t want a big proposal, a hen do, a big wedding. We did marry because I wanted the security marriage can bring. I don’t wear a ring and I haven’t changed my name.
You need to sit down and have an honest conversation about this. You also need to decide yourself whether his failure to propose is a deal breaker for you.

His brother was with a girl for 7 years and no proposal. Then bam married the next girl after like 6months
It always happens this way. A man can spend years with a woman he has no intention of marrying. Then they split and he meets someone he does want to marry and proposes immediately. At the end of the day, if he wanted to marry you he would.

That would be great @Lostromantic

I'm definitely going to sit down and talk to him. And maybe I won't have the proposal I want, but maybe a great marriage instead!

I think there's a few issues at play. Understandably you are worried about the strength of his feelings and level of commitment.

You need to really honestly lay that out for him.

His past relationship is also a big factor, and he needs to be clear how this is affecting him.

Best of luck. I really hope it works out for you both 💐

This happened to me. I waited eight years. He just didn't love me enough.

I've been with my partner now for coming up to three years. We've been engaged for a while. He did it, complete surprise, because he wanted to.

You'll never convince him to propose, he doesn't want to.

You can have a special moment.

DH proposed at home in our kitchen when I looked like crap wearing my pyjamas. Then we went to London to pick out my ring, we got some champagne and had a little moment in the park when he put the ring on.

It will be romantic because it’s your own story. If he really doesn’t want to then you need to find out as it sounds like it would be a dealbreaker for you.

Just curious as to how you think being married will change the dynamics of your relationship now? Apart from of course being married? Myself and my DP have been engaged for 4 years, we have a mortgage an 2 DC, we're practically married, a piece of paper wont change anything, apart from maybe cause us stress leading up to it and financial strain. I think if we get married now we'll be eloping!

Tbh I would have left when he didn't propose when I got pregnant. Even if we decided it wasn't the right time, what kind of man doesn't at least know he has to step up to the plate if he gets his partner pregnant. Maybe that's an old fashioned view.

4 years with someone would be my limit without a proposal. I think 5 is more than fair. That beings said...you chose to have a kid with him so not really sure you are doing right by the child to leave him just because he doesn't marry you. If he treated you badly then fine, but he doesn't. Maybe when your young one is a bit older...8 or something...but for now I'd probably just stay with him for the sake of a stable environment for your kid.

I'm not very clear on his reaction to your confrontation of him.
I don't think he wants to get married, but I don't know why. Does he see you together in the long term? If so, why doesn't he want to marry? You need to request answers to these questions and be prepared to listen properly and then make a decision based on his answers.

Actually, from your follow up posts you're in a strong position here.

You own the house you live in, so pack up his stuff, tell him to leave and that you'll work out your 50/50 split of the childcare when he's got his new abode sorted.

If you're not good enough to be his wife then surely he can't expect to live in your home just "contributing to the bills".

Marriage is a legal commitment that guarantees you'll share your possessions & finances with him. If he doesn't want that, then let him support himself financially.

It sounds like you could have a cocklodger rather than a potential husband.

You don't talk like any woman I know.

@Nautiloid He apologized and said he didn't have a good reason why he hasn't. He just said he kept putting it off. -which in turn made me like shit, like I wasn't important enough for him to make it a priority.

@Hooferdoofer37 thank you! I needed that read!

Goodness Pinkbonbon so many cliches & out-dated views in one post 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people want to be married before they have children.

Others don't. The idea of 'stepping up to the plate' having got his partner pregnant is ridiculous. We don't know the details but can we not take it that a couple in their 30s jointly made a decision to have a baby together?

And then you go on to do some odd calculations about how long OP should stay with her partner to provide stability 😳

If it's not working for OP after she's talked to her DP she can decide to leave. Whatever she chooses.

It sounds to me like he has been indicating all along marriage was going to happen but 5 years later nothing has happened. Is that right??

Do he has misled you and been dishonest. That’s got to hurt

I would definitely sit down with him and talk about your future together. Then make a decision based on what he says

I'm glad you've gained some perspective from this thread @Lostromantic - the whole "he can't love me enough if he hasn't proposed" thing is nonsense for most men I think. My DH is just slow - he procrastinates over everything, usually because he's nervous. So I asked him. I knew we both wanted it, but I just get around to things quicker (and might be a little impatient...). Our proposal was lovely - on the sofa at home, romantic in its own way. That moment will pretty much be great whatever shape it takes. Good luck, and I hope you have the outcome you want x

@Rainbowqueeen absolutely yes! That's exactly right. That's what I told him, I feel foolish waiting and lied to as he said it is what he wanted too. I feel let on and then let down.

My ex of 7 years was like this, we both wanted marriage from the get go (not necessarily to each other at they point but just so we both knew what we wanted in life) we had a mortgage after 5 years together and then I eventually upped and left.

There were loads of other things though, we didn’t go on holiday together, didn’t do days or nights out together, didn’t even sit together and watch tv. We pretty much led separate lives for most of our relationship, Lord knows why I stayed so long!!!

Oops wasn’t finished. He always said he wanted to get married but when I tried to discuss marriage/a wedding/anything wedding related in the slightest he shut me down and said there was no point in discussing it as we didn’t have any dates in mind.

I struggle with ‘romantic proposal’ - if it’s all planned and manufactured it’s all staged and there’s zero romance.

Ask him if he does genuinely want to be married. As you’ve described things, it literally is the piece of paper and the label. I don’t agree that if he loved you enough, he’d marry you. Again, that’s following some archaic ideal of romance. You’re 35 and 37 - a wonderful, adult relationship in which you’ve hopefully learned to be a good couple together - this is far, far, faaarr the most important thing. Me and my husband have been married nearly 18 years - the best, most loving and romantic moments are to do with really knowing each other, compromising and being giving enough to know when a fight isn’t worth spoiling any more time with, and sometimes saying sorry even if you’re still seething!

If this is genuinely a dealbreaker then it was not the best decision to go along this far.

I cannot imagine ending a relationship due to there not being the big, saccharin gesture.

Ah wait, sorry I thought the kid was like 3 or something (hence saying wait till they are older) but yeah at ten months... cut your losses and go now I guess.

You state he should know you’re nothing like the girl who cheated on him yet threatened him with a separation because you haven’t received a dazzling proposal!!!?? You also “want a man to be so in love with me that he ask”!! I don’t think you’re living on the same planet as the rest of us!

My husband proposed after 6 years together, married 2 years later, been together 11 years now and as strong as ever! He did it in his own, sweet, special way which to an outsider may have seemed underwhelming but it was very us!

You sound very high maintenance!