How do you forgive your boyfriend for not proposing?

[Lostromantic]

Hi all, I need help and I'm not sure what to do. And this story will likely go back to why buy the cow when the milk is free I know it. - so I've been with my boyfriend for five years and no ring. (Sigh) I made it very clear this was something I wanted from day one. I took the route of not nagging him but I would bring it up once a year or so. We moved in together after a year, bought a house, and have a ten month old baby. All along the way I've still made him aware it was something I wanted. For fucks sake I even bought the wedding bands a few years back. He all the time has stated he wanted it too. But after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement. Btw I'm 35 and he will be 37 this year. We are not babies. So on Monday I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart. I wish it were different but it's time we separate. Of course he says he is sorry and wish he could change it, BUT is it too late to have that special feeling? Am I dumb if I believe him? How do you forget and forgive him for not making you a priority in his life. Why couldn't he just ask on his own? Are men really that lazy with marriage proposal when they truly love someone? Is this forcing him to marry me? Ugh should I just stick to my guns and leave? We do love each other.

Elope or get married on your lunch hour.

Weddings are overrated but marriage is nice.

Pinkbonbon

What? Your posts are getting more ridiculous.

If child is 3 - stay. Oh, only 10 months - definitely go.

Just mad. OP will surely decide what's best for her & DC but hopefully not based on such arbitrary criteria.

@twattymctwatterson

You don't talk like any woman I know.

I'm glad it's not just me who noticed this.

What woman says 'I am a bit dramatic, but I am a female and that does happen from time to time?!'

This thread has 'man pretending to be a woman' all over it.

Is this a reverse @Lostromantic ? Are you a man? Are you the man who hasn't proposed to your 'female' ???

You’re mixing up different things and you need to separate them out.

Is it wrong to want a husband?
No. But the way you ask this makes it clear that marriage is REALLY important to you. Does your BF know that - have you spelled it out - and if so, is he choosing to ignore your feelings?

Because we already have a child am I supposed to just accept that he doesn't have to marry me and that's okay?
Yes and no. Yes, you might well have to accept he doesn’t have to (or want to) marry you. But no, you don’t have to be okay with it. You can end the relationship. You’ll be separated parents to your child, that’s all.

Is being married to him your ultimate priority? If so, forget the proposal, agree to get married, plan and get on with it.

The only meaning the proposal has is that to you it represents the depth of your BF’s love and commitment, and he hasn’t understood you. If that is the case, you need to look more deeply at whether it’s a symptom of something else going wrong between you, or if it’s just a lack of clarity on his part.

Ultimately -
Do you want to get married?Yes.
Does he want to get married? Not sure.

If he says yes, just do it. If he says no, you don’t have to stick around. If he says he’s not sure, he needs a good reason.

Definitely a woman! I just know my emotions can get the best of me and I'm trying to look at this from all perspective because it is a big decision in my life. I'm not without fault but that still doesn't mean I should have to settle.

Thanks @Bunnyfuller some great advice!

Those of you saying high maintenance. - well if wanting a husband is high maintenance then yes I am. I never said I needed a big ring or wedding. Just that I want the solidarity of a man and a woman in a loving marriage.

@hooferdoofer
Exactly.

Sorry OP but I do agree that men that don't propose largely don't want to.

I can understand why you feel let down.

I certainly don't think there is anything wrong for wanting to feel wanted.

Think hard.
I think you need to make life a lot less comfortable for him.

I certainly don't think there is much point in remaining with someone who'd rather not be committed to you.

God luck.

You've summed it all up perfectly.

Just that I want the solidarity of a man and a woman in a loving marriage.

This is your starting point for talking to your DP.

(I don't think you're high-maintenance & I hate that term. I think you really want something & you need to lay that on the line to him)

We had been together 8 years when we got engaged. No big proposal from either of us. We saw a ring I loved, bought it, and then decided it was an engagement ring. Married 18 months later just before our ten year anniversary.
Sometimes in real life, fairytales don't happen! If you really want it, propose to him :)

@BizzzzyBee I don't think I even know how my parents got engaged.. people don't really talk about it that much

I think perhaps you need to grow up and join 2019. This is all a bit embarrassing.

@Lostromantic I have been married to my DH for just a few months but we were together for 7 years before he proposed. I was the same as you, wanting it to happen for years before it did. I came to the conclusion that I loved him / our life together and started to think I could be OK with not being married, then he went and did it. Total surprise, stunning ring, grand proposal etc. and my DH is NOT the romantic sort.

It was only after we married that he told me he'd thought about doing it lots of times before and a few years into our relationship was going to but then a few things came up and he didn't. I was none the wiser to all this.

All I'm saying is, it does sometimes end happily. And even though I'd told him I wanted it, when he actually proposed I knew he wouldn't have if he didn't want to and that it had come from his heart.

You have to decide what's right for you .

If you own the house you shouldn’t get married!

We agreed to get married watching EastEnders one night, but neither of us are the hearts and flowers romantic types. Talk to him

If it's any consolation, the 'big romantic proposal' I got was:

HIM: Do you fancy going shopping tomorrow?

ME: We can if you like. Was there anything particular you wanted to buy?

HIM: Well, we could buy a ring.

Flamed

😂😂

(I really like that actually!)

You’ve waited 5 long years for him to show you your special to him. I see why you would want him to do something lovely when proposing to you so you know he really means it. You do deserve that, but life’s not a fairytale (for most of us) so just purpose to him and see where that gets you.

I don't care what decade or century it is, but I would never propose to a man.

I would be clear marriage is something I wanted, but I wouldn't propose.

You're not wrong for wanting him to propose. I don't think I'd have hung around for 5 years though, although I'd agree that with him being previously married, it's understandable he's not as eager as you are.

You have a depressingly 1850s view of marriage as a favour a man confers on a woman, but as you’ve moved in with, got a mortgage with and had a child with your partner, I think you might want to let go of your Victorian notions.

If they want to propose they do. Dh dropping hints on 6th date proposed a year after we got together married 6 months after that. No way would I have a baby or buy a house without being married.

Oh, for goodness sake.

You're both adults. If you want to get married then have a conversation about it, decide whether you're going to do it or not, and if you are just on with organising it. If not, then work out if you want to walk or continue as you are.

If you're financially secure and otherwise happy, then what's the big deal?

I only know one woman who got an unexpected proposal, everyone else talked about it and came to a mutual decision without all this nonsense.

I think I understand where you are coming from op. To have been together and have a child together with you wanting marriage and him not proposing you are bound to feel as though he's hedging his bets in case anything better comes along. Your comment in your original post 'why buy the cow when the milk is free' seems to imply that you feel he thinks you are good enough to live with but not to marry because he already has it all without marriage. If this is a deal breaker for you I would put a time scale to it. Explain how important this is to you and your reasons why once more. Tell him that you won't mention it again but if no proposal comes within the next 6 months you will see this as him saying that he doesn't see you as his life partner and you will end the relationship. Only do this if you really mean it though. Good luck op.

I think you are caught up in a fantasy, a social media, picture perfect proposal. Which is fine but it isn’t necessarily reality.

This

When I met dh I was looking for something serious but after my divorce not marriage.

After my ex decided to split I realised that it didn't really mean a deal.

Dh would have married me early on and certainly when I got pregnant.

Ds was nearly 4 when we did marry.

I'd never loved anyone like dh but I just didn't want another divorce under my belt. That's why it took so long.

Been together 25 years now and very happy x

What will marriage change for you exactly? You're living together and have a child, how is the relationship overall?

You wanted this from day one apparently, and it seems you've been fixated on marriage for the entire five years. A relationship being healthy is far more important than marriage.

What is stopping you from proposing if you want to get married so desperately?

You seem to be far too obsessed with getting married than anything else and I would have my reservations with someone like that too, especially if that's all they've made a point of since the start of the relationship.

Have you ever sat down and calmly spoken to him to understand his perspective and what he wants from the future, without pushing your own demand. Just actually listening to him to see where he stands and why?

You even went out and brought rings for goodness sake, that is a huge step to take without the other party being involved.

Talk to him, not at him, then allow yourself to speak back and see where you both feel the relationship is heading.