How do you forgive your boyfriend for not proposing?

[Lostromantic]

Hi all, I need help and I'm not sure what to do. And this story will likely go back to why buy the cow when the milk is free I know it. - so I've been with my boyfriend for five years and no ring. (Sigh) I made it very clear this was something I wanted from day one. I took the route of not nagging him but I would bring it up once a year or so. We moved in together after a year, bought a house, and have a ten month old baby. All along the way I've still made him aware it was something I wanted. For fucks sake I even bought the wedding bands a few years back. He all the time has stated he wanted it too. But after bringing it up I let it go because I still wanted to be surprised and have all the thrills and scary stuff that comes with an engagement. Btw I'm 35 and he will be 37 this year. We are not babies. So on Monday I finally lost it, I told him after five years if he wanted to marry me he would've by now and he hasn't and that breaks my heart. I wish it were different but it's time we separate. Of course he says he is sorry and wish he could change it, BUT is it too late to have that special feeling? Am I dumb if I believe him? How do you forget and forgive him for not making you a priority in his life. Why couldn't he just ask on his own? Are men really that lazy with marriage proposal when they truly love someone? Is this forcing him to marry me? Ugh should I just stick to my guns and leave? We do love each other.

If a man wanted to marry you, he would! You’re right OP.

MyOtherProfile like I say, it’s technically possible, but we both agree it’d make things more difficult in the long run and that he should stay FT. It’d be the same for me if I was in his profession (and is indeed the same for his female colleagues, who either have partners whose careers can be more flexible or do use full time childcare or have family for help). I’m four years older than him and my training was less time to complete so I’m at the top of my field and have plenty of flexibility and freedom now whereas his younger age plus more time studying means he’s only a couple of years into his. But yeah, if we both wanted for him to go PT and me FT badly enough we’d find a way.

Having to essentially beg a man to marry you is the height of sad & desperation

There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage. Nothing wrong with wanting a traditional romantic proposal, regardless of what year/modern times we're in.
Sorry but I think if he wanted to marry you he would, especially as you've made your feelings so clear and he knows it's important to you.
I think some men enjoy holding the cards, knowing a woman is waiting for a proposal and keeping them dangling with little crumbs of hope and no intention of actually doing it.

I think you need to accept its not important enough to him and you either have to forget the idea and live as you are. Or cut your losses and find someone who wants the same as you.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock truly thank you for reading my post and understanding where I'm coming from. I appreciate your advice and will definitely keep you posted.

We still have lots to talk about yes, because it is a big deal. But he truly is apologetic and remorseful for not making it a priority of his. I think a date will be set soon but I agree I will have my own date in my head and not share it with him. I still want this to be for both of us and he knows I won't be strung long although I don't think that is his intentions.

We still have lots to talk about yes, because it is a big deal. But he truly is apologetic and remorseful for not making it a priority of his. I think a date will be set soon

You're still making this sound more like the Good Friday Agreement than two people who are already committed to one another deciding to get married.

And I'd love to know what 'thrills and scary stuff' you imagine will come with engagement to a man you've already lived with for several years and with whom you've had a child.

It feels like you're forcing him into proposing to you. You seem to have made it a big deal in your mind. There are no thrills, no scary bits with an engagement. I agree it does sound like the good friday agreement.

I wouldn’t want to get married in these circumstances. He either gives in and gets married against his wishes or he loses his child as you will leave.

A forced proposal doesn’t usually make for a long marriage.

Nothing wrong with having a standard @Lostromantic
Dont worry if others say that figuring it out is like the good friday agreement. You need to know what he feels and why and where it leaves you.
Maybe you walk away, but it helps to know exactly what he thinks, really thinks, in order to not regret walking away in moments of loneliness

he knows I won't be strung long although I don't think that is his intentions.

You've been strung along for five years already. I think that's exactly his intention.

I can empathise. Me and DH talked about marriage but after nearly 6 years together, l thought we would be inner of those couples echo didn't get married. We didn't have children but we had a mortgage. I even thought about jacking it in. I wanted to be asked. I don't have unrealistic expectations about love and relationships, but l wanted to be proposed to. And suddenly, he did. I didn't put pressure on him, or repeatedly ask him..he said he was saving for a ring. And here we are, happily married, many years later. So sometimes, yes, it really does take that long.

Whether you think he will ever do it, only you can say.

and he knows I won't be strung long

But you have been already and have just allowed him to string you along even further!

Right now you have nothing to lose

I think you do. Sounds like you are the breadwinner and house is in your name. If you got married and it didn’t work out then he will benefit financially. There are a growing number of women out there who have found themselves much worse off post divorce because they were the breadwinners in the relationship.

First of all, yes you should ignore anyone who tells you a baby is a bigger commitment to someone than marriage. It is not. Having a baby with someone is no commitment to them.

Second, the heart wants what it wants etc, but I do think the big romantic proposal etc is a bit daft in your situation. You're a grown up. Sensible ongoing discussions are needed. He evidently isn't as bothered about marriage as you and you're both to blame for letting it get to this stage, just sort of meandering along. If you actually do want to get married it's not very smart to get blinded by the proposal issue. You talk of dates in your head and thinking a date will be set soon: why not just cut the middle man out and say you want to agree now to get married and start planning?

Thirdly, do remember what you have to lose. If you feel this unhappy about the relationship in the light of his inaction, make sure marriage isn't a very expensive band aid.

“We still have lots to talk about yes, because it is a big deal. But he truly is apologetic and remorseful for not making it a priority of his.”

I don’t honestly understand what there is to talk about. If he is apologetic and remorseful why are you not engaged and with a date set. I have no skin in this game because I have never wanted to be married. But you do. He is undoubtedly stringing you along. Don’t allow that to happen. Either set a firm date today or make an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to sort out the practicalities of your financial and legal position.

I fully understand the want almost obsession to be married (totally natural and been in the same position myself and it's heart-breaking), But I would be careful if I was you. He hasn't proposed and he really should have done by now, which to me shows that his heart isn't into it. Actions speak louder than words and all of that.
So realistically you do have a seriously big emotional divide between you both and how long will you be able to sustain this, because the feelings you have will get deeper and more upsetting as time goes on.
However, you own the house and if this gets to breaking point, at least you are in a very strong position and quite rightly so.
And you can't make someone marry you unfortunately - as you already now.

Just seen your latest post and agree with BertrandRussell
He is stringing you along.
He's known you for 5 years - what is his problem I wonder. You should both be heading out now to buy you a beautiful ring. But no.

A forced proposal doesn’t usually make for a long marriage.

Very true. This happened with a friend of mine. Together 15 years, he eventually gave in to the pressure to marry his girlfriend and less than a month later met the woman he left her for after less than a year of marriage. The result was far more painful and drawn out because they'd got married. 5 years on he's still with his new partner and seems very happy.

Maybe he isn't divorced yet

I think it’s pretty clear from this thread that weddings and marriages mean different things to different people. What I’m less clear is what marriage actually means to your partner, OP (if he sees it as outdated administrative frippery, or hates the idea of a public spectacle then that is a bit different to if he sees it as the ultimate gesture of love).

I’m also a bit unclear on the wider dynamic of your relationship. Has he been proactive about holidays, sex, romance, house, child - or have you been the one driving your life together forward? Are you the energy source in your relationship, is this why you are longing to be ‘swept away’?

My Dsis is in a relationship where I don’t think they’ll marry (previous marriages on both sides) but there’s a very clear energy and commitment from both parties on all other things - it doesn’t feel as though it’s got to do with ambivalence or a lack of romance or ability to move things forward. What’s the ‘energy’ in your relationship?

I’ve also seen your exact situation before with a friend whose partner kept on not proposing. He finally did propose but the whole thing look a long time. In their case it had nothing to do at all with his lack of love (he adores her) but with qualities in him of getting caught in particular ruts/struggling with change. My friend accepts these qualities - they wouldn’t be quite right for me though.

Does this marriage thing feel like it’s part of the way your partner ‘tends’ to be. Can you accept this?

First of all, yes you should ignore anyone who tells you a baby is a bigger commitment to someone than marriage. It is not. Having a baby with someone is no commitment to them.

So true. It’s so odd when people say that. Having a child is a huge commitment to the child. It’s zero commitment to the other parent! People have kids and split up all the time, have kids alone, have kids with non romantic co parents or a sperm donor. It’s no commitment to the other person at all, other than that you’ll be linked in one sense for many years... and even then how many people walk away from parenting their child? Plenty.

A mortgage is a commitment to the bank. Houses can be sold. But marriage is a specific commitment to the relationship and to each other.

It's become a bit of an MN trope though, our website specific equivalent of all the people irl thinking they're common law married. Gets trotted out in just about every thread about marriage.

If you both want to get married just get married. It's the marriage and commitment that's important not the romantic proposal.

Me and Dh decided to get married - it was a joint decision and means just as much as my friend's marriage which included the whole asking her dad (urgh) and 'surprise' proposal.

In fact we did everything out of order - I got my engagement ring on our 2nd anniversary and we had our stag and hen do's after the wedding!

This is such an alien concept to me. My husband didn’t propose. My Dad didn’t propose to my Mum either. We just had a conversation. I blame social media for the thought process that you’re missing out somehow. Just talk to him OP.

So how has your conversation with your DP gone OP?

Have you set a date yet?