Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

I also wondered if he spiked you.

Agree with contacting the bar for the cctv if possible.

The double standards on Mumsnet astound me. If this was a woman posting that her dp had some this she'd get mostly 'ltb' replies.

If a man posted he'd done this he'd mostly get his ass handed to him.

Your poor partner, he deserves better.

I’d deny it. I’d say “He begged me to get back together, I refused, he’s pissed off and trying to get revenge”.

I’d have absolutely no compunction about lying in this situation.

And the people advocating lying!!! Society is fucked when people have such awful morals and respect for their supposed loved ones.

If some guy had drunk fucked an ex right before moving his current GF into the same house and bed...

Regardless of the details of ultimate consent, and was it or was it not rape, that is going to be a completely separate issue to deal with.

Anyone with any kind of awareness is going to see that this was pretty much an inevitable outcome to a series of terrible choices.

If this had happened at some hotel or something that would be totally different than in the same home and likely bed she is going to be sharing every day and night with her DP. At least with a hotel, out of sight out of mind, but this is going to be one continuous mindfuck for the OP.

Was just about to type exactly what alcohol just said. Given he refused to wear a condom in the 10 years you were together, why did he bother now. And to leave the evidence where you could see it. Conveniently ready to blackmail you.

That's a good point.

How do you know he's not just making the whole thing up?

If this was a woman posting that her dp had some this she'd get mostly 'ltb' replies.

She'd get a lot of those, but she'd also get a fair few asking her if it was something she could work through. Contrary to the stereotype, LTB is not the answer everyone gives here to every relationship problem.

Urgh, you did it in the bed you intend sleeping (and presumably have in the past slept) in with your current partner? Nice.

You’ve already told us be was abusive, manipulative and controlling and from what you have described of the night I think it’s highly likely he intentionally got you incredibly drunk, possibly having your drinks made much stronger that you wanted, with the intention of getting you so drunk he could manipulate you into having sex with him.

This is not consensual sex.

A friend did this to me, he was married at the time.
I blamed myself for years, totally accepted responsibility, felt I must have been the one to initiate... despite the fact I barely remembered most of the night and only remembered flashes of the sex.

It was only two years later when his friend told me that I had actually been resisting his advances in the nightclub and he just kept making me drink more (getting me quadruple jack and cokes telling me it was a double) until I could barely walk straight and that he made a lot of comments about how I was just a bit fringed and just needed a few drinks in me to make me slutty.

Basically he assaulted me, I never would have consented sober or drunk, so he got me so drunk I was incapable of resisting or giving consent, he did that with intent so it was rape regardless of how I participated in the sex.

You say your DP is lovely. Then tell him the truth, the honest truth. A lovely man deserves that.

@JollyAndBright I'm really sorry that happened to you

I would not tell. Unless the ex has dated photos/video, it’s he said/she said. I’d just respond with, he’s trying to make trouble

This. It may offend some posters with higher moral values than mine but has it occurred to you that your ex is trying to steer you into telling your DP when there's no need to just to stir up some shit? Keep quiet. If your ex says anything deny, deny, deny.

This.

If it's never going to happen again why hurt your DP? Just to offload your guilt so you feel better and destroy him in the process?

catofdoom is there really a thread here with exact reverse situation? I'd be very surprised if that were the case.

Regardless of the details of ultimate consent, and was it or was it not rape, that is going to be a completely separate issue to deal with.

How on earth is it not relevant if she was raped? if she was too drunk to consent then that is rape. Regardless of whether she consented to drinking the alcohol. If she was raped then she did not cheat.

if the OP is confident that she did consent then yes she cheated but when she hasn't answered the questions about consent, I can't see how you can say that the potential of her being raped is not relevant.

Getting drunk with someone is not consent to sex. even if going out for drinks with her ex was not particularly wise it doesn't mean that she consented to have sex with him. But then maybe she did we don't know because she hasn't answered those questions. It's something she needs to answer for herself.

JollyAndBright I am so sorry that happened to you.

Thank goodness for common sense, LittleFairywren

'How on earth is it not relevant if she was raped?"

Thank you @ThatCurlyGirl

It was a long time ago.
I don’t really feel violated or much of a victim, I mainly just feel stupid for letting myself be manipulated into that situation.

What angered me more than the obvious coercive consent was the fact that for two years he let me be portrayed as the slutty girl who seduced a married man, we all worked together so I put up with a lot of daily negativity because of it and I let his (genuinely lovely) wife and her friends treat me like garbage because I thought I deserved it, I really beat myself up over my terrible behaviour.... and he just sat back and played the ‘i was drunk and she threw herself at me what could I do’ card.

When I confronted him with what his friend said and some actually proof I was given he tried to play the victim and say he was ridiculously drunk too and it was a mutual mistake.
He also tried to say that he knew I fancied him and we’d been flirting and he just couldn’t help himself when we were both so drunk.

A lot of people continued to believe it was mutual but his wife actually left him when she found out the real story and saw the proof.
I moved away a year or so after that so didn’t really see many of those people again but it always bothers me when I see threads like this or read stories of women who have clearly been coerced into sex with alcohol, I know it’s not always the case but I suspect it’s more often than not.

Thank you @Italiangreyhound.

What LittleFairywren says is 100% accurate.

My point is rape doesn’t have to be violent or forced, coercing someone into consenting to sex by getting them excessively drunk isn’t consent it’s assault.

Maybe I’m massively off here and the OP wasn’t coerced, but how she describes it triggered me to share my story because it sounded so scarily similar.
Maybe the OP did just make a drunken mistake but maybe she just can’t see the situation for what it really is like I couldn’t.

@JollyAndBright You poor love. Mine was by a stranger and in some ways I feel it's been easier to move on from than had it been someone I knew.

I'm not taking anything away from anyone in my position (attacked by a stranger) who doesn't feel the way I do, but what I'm trying to say is that knowing your attacker must create additional complicated layers of heartbreak.

Congrats for making it out of the other side - we don't get told enough but I'm proud of you from one survivor to another

ThatCurlyGirl

@ThatCurlyGirl you are amazing, truly.

I do struggle with people thinking of me as a victim because I don’t, I still feel like a bit of a fraud to use the word rape when talking about my experience.
I’m 100% confident I did not give reasonable consent when I was in a fit state to do so and 1000% sure it was coercive consent, which is assault, but I often feel like I’m taking something away from real rape survivors when I call my situation anything other than coercive consent.

I certainly didn’t seduce him. I don’t even understand how I got as drunk as I did because I always know when I’ve had enough. I keep having flashes of what happened that night but cannot recall every little detail.

How do you know he didn't spike your drink?

I hope OP follows through with telling her DP. Encouraging her to lie is pathetic tbh.

Of course if she feels that the sex wasn't consensual she needs to report it to the police.

However, drinking to excess with an abusive ex was spectacularly poor judgement (to be clear this has no bearing on whether it was rape or not but does have a bearing on her relationship with her current partner).

I agree with RodGallowglass
If this comes up - deny, deny, deny.

Also Winterlife
Unless the ex has dated photos/video, it’s he said/she said. I’d just respond with, he’s trying to make trouble.

If this man has dated photos or video, go to the police, because making that material without consent, and using that material or threatening to use it is a crime.