Shagged my ex and he’s attempting to blackmail me

[Suchanidiotpart2]

Know I’ll get flamed for this but I need some advice. I stupidly met up with my ex to discuss our DC. He turned on the charm and kept ordering the drinks and we ended up in bed. My lovely, kind and caring dp is moving in this week. I wasn’t going to tell him because it was w stupid mistake and I made sure it was safe sex.

Ex wants me back. I’ve told him no chance and he’s threatening to tell my dp.

I feel so much shame and am disgusted with myself. My poor boyfriend. I need to tell him before my bastard of an ex does don’t I?

Don't tell your DP just to assuage your own guilt.

I agree with this. However you definitely need to tell him. He is about to make a major life change by moving in with you. He deserves to make that based on truth, not lies.

If every drunken one night stand where you can't remember a thing is resulting in rape then I would also be a victim of rape in my younger days. So would millions of other people.....

Rape is very common, sadly.

If a man puts his dick in you when you're to incapacitated to consent, then yes that's rape.

I think you are right to tell your dp. Otherwise you will be treating him differently because you feel so shit about yourself and he will be wondering what he has done wrong. A part of me thinks that on some level you wanted to sleep with your dh. You must know that getting pissed with someone who you shared a connection with is likely to only end up in one situation. Drink and exes don't mix.

Tell your dp and he may be able to forgive it and if he doesn't then use this opportunity to get some therapy to make sure you are not bringing your baggage from your relationship with your ex into future relationships.

Oh yes. A woman can never be culpable can she? It must have been solely the fault of the man. Presumably he didn’t kneel on her chest and pour alcohol down her throat? It’s her poor unsuspecting DP I feel sorry for.

@AlexaAmbidextra Sorry but I think we have all been drunk but that isn’t a valid reason to be raped. You cannot give consent in the eyes of the law when you are drunk. A woman cannot rape, only a man can rape because in the eyes of the law you have to have a penis to rape. Anything else is sexual assault.

Hi @Suchanidiotpart2 on balance I think that yes, you should tell your partner. I think your guilt will come out in other ways if you don't. Also, although I know some people say they wouldn't want to know in this situation, I think overall you owe it to your partner and probably most people would want to know in his situation.

Of course, there is a chance he will break up with you over this. If this happens, take some time for yourself, try to get counselling, and don't rush into another relationship or back to your ex (I know you don't want to, but I also know that a background of abuse complicates things massively and makes victims more vulnerable).

You don't need others to point out to you what you know yourself about the rights and wrongs. Please don't endlessly feel guilty. Everyone makes bad mistakes, and besides that you are likely vulnerable to your ex in general (I don't mean that on that night specifically he took advantage through getting you drunk as you say you were in control of your actions on that occasion – I mean overall, given your history with him).

I'm normally all for letting sleeping dogs lie and not confessing to something that happened 20 years ago, which some people feel they have to, but this is a different situation and denying isn't really an option.

In your place I would take the morning after pill and get checked out at a std clinic before having unprotected sex with DP, that's only fair.

You can't take the risk ex will tell DP so I would confess but say he deliberately bought triple shots and you think he intended sleeping with you from the outset to cause trouble with your new relationship (which i think is likely).

Even if you lied to him about what your ex might say, DP may do a quick think and realise you were meeting ex that day, hadn't answered his call, or something similar that makes him suspicious, and that is more poisonous than an actual confession. It's worse to believe someone is lying than that they made a mistake.

You can't remember getting home.

You can't specifically recall the sex.

You can't recall making him put a condom on, but saw a used one as confirmation it was used.

I think had you put some of this info in your first post, I would be inclined to agree that you weren't in a position to consent.

How do you know you consented, if you cannot recall him actually putting a condom on...or you insisting he does so?

So you were too drunk to logically think ‘this is a bad idea, I have a lovely DP who I don’t want to hurt’ yet you could ensure you had safe sex? Doesn’t quite add up.

I’m glad you’re going to tell him, it really is the best course of action and if he has any self worth he will leave. I’m only saying this because if you were a man the MN response would be far harsher.

Not sure why the OP said she can't recall how she got home as in a later post when asked where it all happened she said

My home. Our DC were at my mums

Anyway, you should tell your DP.

She doesn't remember getting home from the bar, but has woken up in her own bed with the evidence on the floor.

Of course, there is a chance he will break up with you over this

There's a very good chance they'll break up over this. That's why I wouldn't tell. Her toxic ex will have got what he wants.

This isn't the OP playing at star-crossed lovers with an office colleague or something. This is someone who's' escaped an abusive ex, who's now actively trying to screw her life up.

She should put it behind her and move on, with her DP.

I agree with Wigglybluelines.

Based on additional information, you can't even be certain you did have sex with him - if you don't remember anything. You have to be really drunk to not remember getting home, unless your drink was spiked.

If you truly believe you must tell him, tell him exactly how much you drank, that you don't remember getting home, that your ex is saying you slept together, but you have no memory of it.

@HiHoToffee I presume she is referring to how she got home from where they were having cocktails

@wigglybluelines
I completely see your point too even though on balance I think I’d tell.

Sorry, posted too soon. Meant to add I absolutely agree to giving full context if you do tell, OP

If every drunken one night stand where you can't remember a thing is resulting in rape then I would also be a victim of rape

We’re not talking about your drunken ons sarah.

OP I think if/when you tell your dp you make sure you just say what you know to be fact. You said earlier on that you had ensured it was safe sex, but this was based on the fact a condom was used and your ex hated condoms.

The thing is, you do not know why a condom was used. Maybe you said to use it or maybe your ex felt as you already have at least one child together and are not officially a couple that 'risking' another pregnancy wasn't a good idea. Or maybe he has had an STD and did not want to pass it on, or feared watching one.

Unless you know that you suggested the condom, please do not tell the story that way because you are projecting what you 'think' but you cannot remember.

hadthesnip2 "Typical mumnets double standards at play here. Saying the OP was taken advantage of, drunk & therefore couldn't give consent etc etc.

Whereas there is z thread running from yesterday where the OP's husband had a ONS & got the women pregnant..."

Did the man on the other thread have a previous relationship with the woman and have a child with her already and was he trying to work out maintenance issues with her and was that relationship abusive where the man was the victim of that abuse? If not, it's not the same situation.

Could he have spiked a drink?

If you can't remember having sex how do you know you did? He could have used that condom himself and left it there to blackmail/manipulate you.

Was just about to type exactly what alcohol just said. Given he refused to wear a condom in the 10 years you were together, why did he bother now. And to leave the evidence where you could see it. Conveniently ready to blackmail you.

He planned the whole thing. Got you triple drinks, potentially spiked them if you know you usually are aware of how drunk you are getting and your own limits. Can't remember getting home or actually having sex but are taking the used condom as 'proof' you asked for safe sex.

He had sex with you whilst you were very drunk to the point you don't remember, if you'd started your OP with this, the replies would all be shouting rape. The reason they aren't is because you said you cheated and in MN universe, you may as well go to prison for that.

@LimpidPools thank you for your kind comment.

Sunburntnoseandears "Could he have spiked a drink?" I did wonder that too.

He certainly is aiming to make the most of the 'incident'. Not just sex but coercing the OP through blackmail into a possible relationship. That is something most people do not do from a 'one-night-stand'.

alcoholyoulater and NewMe2019 excellent points.

My home. Our DC were at my mums

And the same home and presumably the same bed you just had sex with the ex in, is the same home and bed the DP is moving into? Damn, that is just cruel.