Dating Thread 165: The bravest thing you will ever do is love again ❤

[JeSuisPrest]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

She says she knows I'm not like him, but keeps thinking about it and is being mardy and quiet (her words). But messaging has changed massively, she's gone very quiet which she's apologised for but think I need to leave her to it. Not sure there's much else I can say or do tbh.
Feels like an over reaction (I haven't said so), but I do understand that I've clearly triggered some old emotions and memories.
Essentially she said something on Tues night that made me feel pretty insecure and I went quiet (which is what I do when something is bothering me) we went to bed but just had a bit of a cuddle and went to sleep. Things were a bit awkward when she left in the morning and it's been different since then. Apparently her ex used to go quiet and not talk, however he was also a controlling, angry emotional bully and I'm none of those things.
Supposed to be seeing each other tomorrow but think I can see what's coming and wouldn't be surprised if we don't get that far, I'm absolutely gutted!
Fingers crossed I'm wrong and we can sort it, but balls in her court don't think I can do much more.

@shitwithsugaron That sounds positive and I'm really glad he has reflected on his part and apologised.

@Ant330 To be honest, I think a lot of people go quiet when they are upset/bothered by something but to compare you to her ex for that reason seems a bit unfair.
My exh used to sulk and I hated it. We never had an argument in 13 years of marriage but that's because you can't argue with someone who is sulking and sometimes it's better to get what's bothering you out in the open.
I think if she ends things for this alone then that says more about her than you but fingers crossed you'll work it out.

@shitwithsugaron weddings can be awful anyway when you are the +1 - it's usually a chance for people to get together who haven't seen each other for a while so +1s get left behind . I had the horrible experience of this once, it went so far as one of the Ex-P's (who was an usher and so quite busy) friends getting horribly drunk and telling me that it was obvious that I didn't have much money as my dress looked cheap, and that my partner was having an affair with the best man's wife. In the end I just left (hotel a walk away). Apparently I "caused a fuss" as I had just left, but, I thought it was the best option for all - to not create a scene -no-one really noticed for hours anyway.

@Ant330 I really hope you can turn things around. It's unfair I think to measure a fault that you may / may not have up against all the things that her ex had.. Sunshine is right, a lot of people go quiet. The guy I was dating at the beginning of the year said that some of the things I did were the same as his estranged daughter but these were really small things and just part of who I am, not a fault and I thought he was really unfair.

FMFL ooooh good look tonight. I am usually a jeans girl but its so warm and Friday night so pop a dress on.

Shitwith Sorry lovely, sounds tough. It does sound (again) like its all about him. Dont take any shit (even with sugar on). I hope you work it out but he really should have looked after you a bit more.

Ant I will keep my fingers crossed that it works out for you

Coffee have fun!

Average really pleased you have an iron. Bless her she must have had a hard year losing her daughter.

Jesuis bloody ex!!! honestly why are they so terrible! Sorry you are feeling exhausted. Bless Mr Plumber for being there for you. I think Mr C must be mad, although I am sure he feels it and hopefully will say it soon

Hope I have not missed anyone.

My Irons are reducing massively. Mr Beardy sent me a dick pic and then kept trying to sext me even though I told him I wasnt into it before meeting and asked him not to dick pic me. BLOCK. Mr Luigi and Mr Quiz both seem to have disappeared. Mr Quest is still messaging but he is too young for a relationship and I dont need another FWB whilst I am still seeing Mr Big.
.

"Unfair" is exactly how this feels, I can't believe she's just shutting me out and won't really talk about it.
Feeling very sad today, can't concentrate on work, could do with going home and having a good cry (not very manly I know 😂)
But my son's home from his holiday this afternoon so he's at mine tonight and tomorrow day, that should cheer me up as I've missed him!

Sorry I am doing a really bad job at keeping up with all that's going on.. @JeSuisPrest

@Sunshineandflipflops that is funny :-)

My laptop is also playing up, I had written you something along the lines of your ex being a narcissist Jesuis and being careful to feed him anything... (does that make sense)

@Ant330 Has she acknowledged the thing that she said that made you feel insecure?

ant her going quiet and haunted because you went quiet and insecure? Crikey you must feel so wrong-footed. Sounds like she has a lot to process and maybe your communication styles are not best suited, but you're right that you just have to leave her to it, and think about how things might be moved on when she does come back.

Marlboro each time I've done some swiping in the last few weeks I've gathered a little crop of irons who then proceed to be whittled away in the manner you describe (plus I seem to attract scam artists -must be all the diamonds I wear in my pics ). It's that old numbers game isn't it?

shitwith fingers crossed here!

Sunshine yes we talked about it on Weds night and that's fine, she just can't seem to get past me being quiet about it.
Cassettes yes I'm just leaving her to it to see if she can get past it, who knows. You may be right about communication styles, maybe we're not as well suited as I thought??
I've explained that I behave like that because trying to discuss any issues with my ex just caused arguments so I stopped doing it for an easier life. Told her I would do my best to be more open and discuss anything bothering me in future, don't think I can do anymore.

Thanks Shitwith glad to hear you've resolved things with MrB and he's realised where he went wrong👍

Ant I also go quiet if upset by something (so as not to show 'weakness' by crying). It's a legacy from my nearly 3 decades long marriage, my exh would totally exploit my upset. But what I'm learning is that other men aren't my ex. It is hard to change the way you are, and communication is so important.

shit I'm glad Mr B has realised he was being a drama llama. And that it's all sorted now.

JeSuis my god, how draining your ex's behaviour is

Good luck to those with dates - it's warm here so I'd be wearing a dress!

Sunshine I hope Mr SAS pines for you while you're away. And have a great holiday!

Marl Mr Tennis's message is totally sour grapes because he can't handle rejection.

Ant I totally get that it's not what you were/are/will be, but going silent can so easily be perceived as aggressive or a prelude to an explosion. I'm afraid I think there's a gender difference here too, and she sounds like she has trauma about it. Here hoping she's a smart cookie and can work herself through it, but I do think you're probably still being assessed for danger and maybe leaving the ball in her court could be misunderstood to be "still sulking" or passive aggressive. I'm not exactly an expert so take or leave my suggestion, but my (unrequested ;) ) advice is to keep in a bit of touch with her unless she's actually said she wants the space. Soften if you can at all, without trivialising the stuff that's been stirred up. Fingers crossed for you

marlboro what a childish reaction.... Next please!
ant it doesn't bode well if she can't shake this off and start communicating. Let's hope she can.
shitwith sounds positive that he's acknowledged he could have done things differently
jesuis your ex.....just wow.....has the world always revolved around him?

Well I'm supposed to have a date at 6pm but - deja vu - no word from him to confirm we're still on!!! FML. Still, I'm going on holiday tomorrow so the irons and the apps can all swivel

STBXH was actually a great guy once upon a time . I'm not sure he's a narc as he is (or seems to be) genuinely remorseful for what he's done, though does fit a lot of the criteria and he was never controlling/cruel except towards the end when I was obviously being an inconvenience and getting in the way of his fun with his OW.

But in the words of Princess Taylor of Swift we are never, ever, ever, getting back together...

@Ant330 FWIW I agree with @Coffeeandchocolate9 I'd just send a quick "thinking of you, hope you're OK" text. What have you got to lose if you think she's going to pull the plug anyway?

Thank you just sent that message.
Coffee I completely get what you're saying, but she even commented a couple of times when we went camping that her ex would have got really angry in the same situations whereas I just don't, which is why it's surprised me to now be judged and compared to him.
She knows how worried I am about this and is just shutting me out. She knows I'm not sulking as we spoke last night, she knows how I feel about her, she knows I'm willing to change and that I understand why it's stirred things up.
I don't know what else I can say or do tbh other than keep in occasional contact like you've suggested.

You can't do any more. I think that message you sent is spot on. Triggered is triggered, and Each person will take their own time and coping methods to come down from triggered non-rational response to able to think normally and sanely and remember all the times that you weren't a monster and that actually there's a lot of evidence to say that your quietness is not the same as his. You sounds like a very decent fella and I really hope she works through it and quickly. I'm sorry you're suffering in the meantime. (Perceived) male anger is incredibly scary for many women, right down to a primal instinctive place. As you say, here's hoping she can come down from her on alert state and meet you.

ant big, big hugs to you. So glad you have your son's return to look forward to and distract you from this. Blimey dating is hard

She's replied saying she's thinking of me too, doesn't necessarily mean positively but I'll take it 😂
I offered to leave work early if she wanted to meet and chat, but that I'd understand if she wanted some space. She's working at that time anyway but said "but yes leave me to be mardy for a bit lol x"
Don't really know what to make of that.
Sorry to swamp thread today, very selfish of me, just nobody else to talk to, thank you all for your advice and support.

ant I read that response quite positively actually, like she knows she's being a bit unreasonable but also knows it will take her a while to snap out of it. Sounds like making occasional gentle contact is the right approach to coax her through this. Though of course once she is back in the room, communication will need to step up because in the end you have been left to feel shit for no reason while she concentrates on her own feelings.

@Ant330 sounds like you’re having a tough time at the moment. FWIW I think you’ve done all you can at this point in time; you sound like a thoughtful considerate person and I hope she comes round to be able to see that.

@putastrawunderbaby fingers crossed for a date tonight! Mine appears to still be on...I’m wondering now if little black dress looks too try-hard. I also don’t want him to think he’s staying over seeing as he’s driving all this way; I’ve told him that I am a ‘not on a first date’ girl but for my own peace of mind I may spell it out before he makes the journey.

ant have been reading your posts and nothing else to offer beyond echoing the advice from other posters - no need to apologise for swamping the thread - we're all here to support each other on the thread.