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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 165: The bravest thing you will ever do is love again ❤

999 replies

JeSuisPrest · 23/07/2019 21:21

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
shitwithsugaron · 30/07/2019 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ant330 · 30/07/2019 12:55

Thank you all, I know you're right. Honestly you're a great bunch even when it comes down to dispensing the tough love Smile
Don't worry I will be saying my piece, and if she either doesn't acknowledge it or doesn't understand then that sets pretty clear expectations of a future I don't want.

FMFL · 30/07/2019 13:57

Agreed Ginmel! Definitely a good rule.

FMFL · 30/07/2019 13:58

And thanks all, I will have a brief chat with him to explain why I’m a bit hesitant to meet. Definitely feeling a bit of pressure which is a shame as otherwise I really like him.

LilyRose88 · 30/07/2019 14:03

FMFL and Lovemusic have both posted about whether to DTD early on in a relationship, and it triggered a reaction in me about my recent experience with Mr Yoga. I feel a bit silly to be honest. He appeared very patient and calm about things, but he did start getting very sexual from date two onwards. I told him that I wouldn't DTD unless we were exclusive, and would also want to use condoms unless/until he was tested. He duly got tested and we DTD shortly after his results came through. Although he presented himself as someone who had only had a couple of long term relationships and was not into one-night stands, he was quite obsessed with sex. Once we had DTD he seemed to want all our dates to be focused around sex and started to try to push my boundaries about various things (having previously told me that he was very vanilla). I stood my ground and kept suggesting dates where we went out to events or shows, to avoid our dates being all about sex. He then decided that he 'wasn't feeling it' and ended things with me. He was back on within an hour (I logged on to re-read his profile to check that he really had said that he was looking for a serious relationship rather than something casual).

Now fair enough, maybe he had just decided that I wasn't the right person for him, but I can't help wondering whether he just did a number on me. During this time I never once met any of his friends, or went back to his place as he was staying with a friend. He was looking for somewhere to live, so maybe I just caught him at a bad time, but looking back the hard truth is that I ended up having sex with someone that I knew nothing about. I never actually even saw his test results, he just told me they had arrived and were all clear.

The reason I am posting this is just to remind us all that we really don't know who we are dating in the early stages. I have learned that I am very susceptible to love-bombing, as both my recent OLD exes have done this to me. My Yoga was also very good at the future faking stuff of talking about holidays and short breaks that we would be going on.

I don't feel bad about myself, or regret my behaviour, but I do need to keep reminding myself of rules 3 and 4 as I do tend to emotionally over-invest, and I tend to fall for the BS!

Alanis41 · 30/07/2019 14:14

@Ant330 having come from an abusive relationship, I can kinda see where Miss Hair is coming from. Other posters are right but it's very difficult when something comes up and reminds you scarily of your ex. I think if you are looking for someone baggage free, you need to move on but I think with her, like me, things will probably be highs and lows at times due to her history. From what you have posted, she does seem to have irritated you with her behaviour so probably not right for you.

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 14:26

@alanis41 I can't remember when you joined this thread but I guess it was recent. Miss h has treated @ant appallingly this past week. He has more than tried to accommodate her and noone has said anything about not expecting people to have some baggage. It is how people carry their baggage that matters.

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 14:27

And respectfully irritated is a poor choice of words if you are aware of the context

Ant330 · 30/07/2019 14:29

Alanis thanks for your insight.
"Irritated" no it's not that, I've felt upset and disappointed to be treated like this, and a bit angry at times as I've tried to make sense of it. But equally I acknowledge a lack of understanding on my part as to how badly this has affected her, but tbh today was the first time she's really explained it properly.
This doesn't lessen how I've felt however and she does need to understand that.
At 47 looking for someone baggage free would be a pipe dream so no unrealistic expectations on my part, just to be treated with respect as I do.

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 14:31

@Ant330 dont make this past the week your problem. She shut you out completely

Ant330 · 30/07/2019 14:32

Alanis has provided me with some useful input prior to today so nobody needs to be offended on my behalf please.

Ant330 · 30/07/2019 14:34

Sorry Alanis I didn't mean prior to today Wink the above post was also useful.

Ant330 · 30/07/2019 14:38

Ginmel Thank you, I know and I'm not happy about it. But I am willing to talk about it and see if there's a way forward.

CassettesAreCool · 30/07/2019 14:42

It seems to me that Miss H is a bit broken, by her experiences, which is terrible for her so I do feel sympathy. However, maybe this should indicate for her that she is not yet ready for a 'proper' relationship. She can't cope with her own baggage, and currently has nothing left to deal with the baggage and feelings etc of a prospective partner, which Ant has as much as the next person. He can't be expected to fix her, as much as none of us should expect to be fixed by anyone we meet. That's down to us and us alone.

Alanis41 · 30/07/2019 14:43

@Ginmel I wasn't actually intending to offend, only Ant330 knows what actually happened and how Miss H might have reacted. Ok so she was quiet and distant for a week, sometimes people retreat into their shell when something scares them or they can't put something into words. From Ant330s posts, it seems like she really likes him and this probably scared her thinking 'oh no, I really like him but actually he might be ex number 2'. I've read these threads a lot and there have been numerous instances where the poster, a woman, has done exactly the same as Miss H, and people are all understanding saying a decent man would understand. It seems here, because we are seeing it from different perspective, everyone is like 'Miss Hair is being awful' when actually I think just retreating a bit to get her thoughts together.

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 14:48

Nope @alanis41 I've never seen anyone on here be encouraged or supported in treating someone like miss h has done this week to ant.

To the contrary there was a poster recently who was going to ghost their date and they were told by several of us not to do that.

Alanis41 · 30/07/2019 14:55

@Ginmel I'm just saying she obviously was taking time out to think about things. Ghosting is different. Giving someone space is what's happening here.

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 14:56

And if I thought @ant was being a dick to miss h, he'd know about it not good at keeping my mouth shut

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 15:04

I wasn't saying she was ghosting ant. I was saying people don't tolerate treating others badly

Anyhow I'm going to step out of this topic now. I have said enough.

Ginmel · 30/07/2019 15:13

Back to dating, even without overinvesting it amuses me how sometimes, not all the time, someone almost immediately seems of interest vs doesn't. I know there can sometimes be obvious signs like appearance or how they write but it can also be more than that..

FMFL · 30/07/2019 15:26

@Lillyrose19 thanks for sharing your experience with Mr Yoga. Seems reasonably similar to my current situ with Mr Bucket...but obviously I’m a bit behind your timeline and haven’t even had the dtd/exclusivity chat. There’s a boundary for me right there if I’m honest; I’m not keen really on dtd with a man with multiple women on the go, condoms or not. I’m just going to have to get over myself and chat properly to him.

Ant330 · 30/07/2019 15:28

Yep I know I'm not a dick, nor behaving like one. Therefore I don't want to be judged against one from her past, but maybe that's inevitable?
Now she's opened up a bit today I can understand a little bit what she's done, which is I need some space and if I don't think it's going to work out I shouldn't be messaging in the usual volume or fashion with loveheart emojis and kisses and stuff. I get that, she clearly didn't want to upset me, it's just tough being on the receiving end not really understanding what's going on. I don't want to control somebody else's life, but I really don't like not being in control of my own.
I'm not trying to excuse it (alright maybe I am a bit) but I am starting to understand it more.
All of which could absolutely be academic anyway.

Ginmel I've absolutely appreciated your input and support, thank you. Same goes for everybody else!
I'll shut up for a bit now, should be working anyway, and update after we've met.

EchoElephant · 30/07/2019 15:33

@LilyRose88 thank you for sharing your experience.
I went out of my comfort zone by asking Mr 4 dates to my house. We didn't have sex but things were getting a bit hot.
I thought he was a decent bloke and was being honest. Which is why I was surprised to find him back on the apps after saying he wasn't. And has now ghosted me.

@Lovemusic33 hope you have a lovely date. If he's offered to pay for the meal then maybe you can pay for some drinks. But please don't let him push you into a situation that you're not comfortable with.
And I would echo what other people have said about not going to his house on the second date, no matter how much that itch needs scratching. I don't know your story but it doesn't sound like it would be a good thing for you to do.
(My apologies if it sounds like I'm your mother telling you what to do)

FMFL · 30/07/2019 15:42

@Ant330 I just wanted to say that I think you sound a lovely, decent, respectful man. Remember your worth.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/07/2019 16:00

I do t have much to add but @Ant330 I hope the meeting goes well tomorrow and she really reflects between now and then on what she stands to lose.

I've just had a 20 minute phone conversation with MrSAS from the poolside. His situation is the reverse to a lot of men as he has his 16 year old living with him full time and his ex wife is being a dick about paying child maintenance (he wasn't part time to be able to look after her properly after the divorce). He ranted about that a bit as he is also fighting the universal credit system (like everyone else).

He is still coming over the evening I get back though so only 11 days to go. Not that I'm counting.