Dating Thread 165: The bravest thing you will ever do is love again ❤

[JeSuisPrest]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

JeSuis yes, I think Miss BA is breadcrumbing me as well, hence I'm treating her as a distraction, and not taking it too seriously until we're actually face to face.

I think I'd be ok with being her home base hunk, as long as 1) we were honest about it and 2) the same rules applied to me...

"something in the barn that requires his urgent attention" had me chortling..

@fmfl agree with @Neverexpected2 if you think Mr Buckets is likely to be put off by you not having sex then he isn't the right man for you. I would be tempted to put that to the test to make it clear you aren't ready and see how it reacts. FWIW although I had discussed sex with Mr R a lot he made it clear that he was happy to wait. That is the least you can expect from someone.

@averageguy It could be either of those things. It could also be insecurity or fishing to see if you are multi dating. Mr R was multi dating when we met and was inquisitive about me multi dating and would tell me about his dates whereas I prefer not to discuss these things. 3 months later and there is lots of evidence that points to him being insecure. I know that Miss BA is very attractive but as are many of the ladies on this thread and look how they get messed around! So don't assume she isn't insecure and going through the same crap as the rest of us.

@lovemusic33 have a nice date.

Still up in the air. She messaged to say she might have to work tomorrow so could we do Thurs night instead, which I couldn't wait for so I just asked her outright by text.
She is really struggling to get past how me going quiet reminded her of her ex, and has related it back to all the times when her ex used to get very angry with her. She said she's never going to be perfect so has assumed it will just happen all over again, which has just pissed her off as she knows she can't go through it again.
After a few messages I said I understood but there was clearly nothing I can say that will change her mind, so we should call it a day.
Was expecting her to say ok, but she wants to come and speak to me about it as she feels a bit of a (won't use the word) about it.
I replied that there was really no need as it won't change anything, and she said "who knows?? I don't want to make a stupid decision just because I've got the arse about it or you".
So honestly who knows what will happen, I suppose the slight positive is that I gave her an easy out and she hasn't taken it. But clearly this is a big issue for her so whether it can be resolved or not I don't know.
What hasn't been discussed is whether I can get over how she's treated me this week, didn't think it would help to throw that into the mix today other than to say I've had a shitty week which is why I couldn't wait.

@FMFL tell him you are concerned about an expectation for sex. You need to be communicating

@Lovemusic33 if you are worried about the pub, say you'd live to but can't afford it. Let him have the opportunity to offer. It really is best to be clear so you are not stressed..

@Neverexpected2 not DTD is your prerogative. If he does a runner, there was a reason you tested him..

@JeSuisPrest brilliant, sounds like teenage sex ( well the good forbidden bit)

I went on my Tinder date. He is VERY Italian, swoon. Snogged like kids. He has just turned 40, I am 45. He was charming and said I appeared much younger. Then I said that was the last time we were to discuss it.

Lots of texts today and meeting up next week after my holiday without kids. He has had an 8 year relationship that failed last year but no kids, so no long term future but bloody good fun. 😊😂

Jesuis speaking of things in the barn, has Mr C let you drive his tractor yet? (not a euphemism, you mucky pups).

If you aren't of farming stock, you may not know that "girlfriend driving the tractor" is serious stuff, like marriage level serious

Ant she said "who knows?? I don't want to make a stupid decision just because I've got the arse about it or you" why is she assuming this is her decision to make now? Do you not get a say having been treated appallingly for the last week?! When things were going well she had no issue finding time to see you but suddenly shes struggling because difficult conversations have to be had 🤷‍♀️

sofato I think he’s offering to pay for the meal, I feel guilty as he wouldn’t let me pay last time. I like to at least go halves. I’m off on holiday in a few days so trying to save a bit of money so not totally skint but almost.

I did tell him I’m skint and would rather just grab something small.

@Ant330

Please take a step back. Is the heartache worth it? She is being awful to you. I always try to live by " if a friend was in that situation, what would you advise?" Being kind to ourselves is so important.

Also I have a meme on my screensaver that says "Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you".
I love having the reminder, it keeps me balanced

@Lovemusic33 did he hint he would pay? I would have no problem paying in the reverse but it's also a good indicator of how emotionally in tune he is, if he puts you at ease..

@Ant330 it says a lot miss h is only thinking of herself here. You shouldn't need to have to mention you've had a shit week too. Is she normally selfish?

Oh god, I know I know! If it was one of my mates I'd be telling him to grow some balls and get rid!
But I can't help how I feel about her.
I am pissed off about how she's treated me, and we will talk about it as I can't accept it being the norm.
I think from her perspective she's asked for space and I've given it, but it's been really shitty being on the other end of it feeling like you're just on the end of a slow fade.
I think the point is that I can't promise not to do it ever again, I've always done this, but I can try. But that may not be enough because if she's going to react like this every time then there is no future for us.

ant whether you can get over it should not be the elephant in the room, it should be the main focus of the conversation. I really don't see the point of you listening to her banging on about how bad she feels and how broken she is (and believe me, I do sympathise with her) and how difficult it is for her to make the decision when the fact is she has treated you like shit and not acknowledged that. This will happen again remember. By all means get closure by seeing her, but I think you would be making a big mistake if you agreed to any contact at all after that brief meeting. You deserve far, far, far better.

Ginmel no not in the slightest, which is why it's taken me by surprise.

And you can help how you feel about her by reminding yourself that the 'her' you feel like that about is the person you thought you knew before you discovered she acts like a selfish twat and has no concern for your feelings and rights at all.

@Ant330 My issue is at the start we’re all on best behaviour,

Ah pressed post.

So if this is her on best behaviour what will she be like six, 12 months down the line.

@Ant330 Sounds like she's doing some major backtracking to me - she knows she's crossed a line and she's seeing how much you'll put up with. Be careful. You don't get a chance to draw a line in the sand more than once as far as acceptable behaviour is concerned. Why is it OK for her to give you the silent treatment for a week, but you do it for a few hours and she's making out you're like her abusive ex? Talk about double standards.

Don't be afraid of how she will respond if you tell her how upset the whole thing has made you this last week. She needs to know that you've been hurt as well and she's been out of order.

I know I've posted this before but I think we could all do with a reminder from time to time:

"Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with"

I know it's difficult to do in the early days because you don't want to come over too heavy, but going forward it's building the foundations about what you are OK with. Or not, as the case may be.

@StarryUnicorn Well I wasn't aware of that - he won't even let me loose on the ride on mower, though we did have to catch a mouse on Sunday evening that was dashing about the kitchen in a blind panic. Apparently not squealing and jumping onto the nearest chair and my nimble fingered tick removal makes me good girlfriend material I think it's the sex personally

Ant330 it sounds like she still blames herself for her ex getting angry, I'd say she needs more time or maybe some therapy to get over that, it is the reason this has been all about her, because in her head this is all her fault.

Also, her understanding your feelings in this is the only way she is going to change and that you can possibly move on from this as a couple, assuming you even want to. I think her reactions to how you have felt will probably be the thing that makes your mind up.

Miss H could do with a load on MNetters banging on her door and telling her to wind her neck in and didn't she realise Ant is 10 times the man her ex was and didn't she realise he's so lovely he's had a really shitty week because of the way she's treated him so she needs to pull her finger out and get to see him and start talking and receiving pronto.

Grrumph.

I have period and all the hormones and I'm spikey as hell about 5in1 right now. Send all your dates/exes who are being a bit/a lot shit at you to me, I'll taken em on and give em what for! Come at me, motherfuckers

You are putting huge expectations on yourself @Ant330 You've every right to want to reflect and have done nothing wrong.

She needs to learn to manage her own reactions.

You aren't her x. You aren't the cause of this week. Look who bounced back in a healthy time frame - you and not her.

Is this really the first time you've seen this side of her? There's a saying when someone shows you their true colours believe them.

Sorry big xpost

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with"

This needs to be a rule

Totally agree with @CassettesAreCool I think you need to be the one to end up walking on eggshells in order not to upset her. I lived like that for years and it was absolute misery. I am the worst at opening up and talking about my feelings but I make it a priority now as I understand how detrimental it is to do otherwise.

@sofato5miles I LOVE that screensaver... it’s absolutely true

Just promise yourself @ant that if you guys work through this, it'll be about a solution for both of you. Not you working out how not to trigger her or tippy toe around her. I worry you'll get into that situation.