Dating Thread 165: The bravest thing you will ever do is love again ❤

[JeSuisPrest]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

That sounds ominous @Ant330 but hope it's just her choosing the earliest opportunity to meet after having her thinking space. The messages themselves are apologetic ...

@JeSuisPrest Your life sounds as stressful as mine and MsM&Ms. School hols bring their own special twist on things too ! I am desperately looking forward to snatching a few hours with her at the weekend.

I don't know whether it was this thread or another one where blokes were getting some disdain for using babysitters to go on dates when they have their kids ? It made me feel terribly guilty but sometimes it's the only way when your dates childfree dates don't overlap with your own. If you both alternate on that front then it minimises the time you both spend away from your children. That isn't so bad is it, particularly with both of us operating with all the pressures @JeSuisPrest eloquently elaborates ?

@EchoElephant Having read your update, I'm sorry to say that I think the return to the apps was a mark of his ambivalence. Bit don't feel that you've sabotaged things at all. It's good you've mentioned it. You don't deserve ambivalence, and if he was as keen as you, and decent, he'd be shutting that side of things down as soon as you raised it as an issue. Or at least being honest with you and saying where things stand between the pair of you. It doesn't make you a mad stalker at all.

Maybe Bats but it was her that pushed to see me and meet up when she wasn't childfree.
Sunshine saw her last Weds am when she stayed at my house.
I know it's done, I'd just like to know why.

@HairyArsedMan thank you. Yesterday I was upset and angry with myself for asking about the apps.
Today I'm a bit angry with him for going silent on me. And also because it was a big deal for me to invite him to my house. And when I did I thought I was clear that I could only do that if he wasn't actively looking for anyone else.
The fact that he chose to ignore me rather than explain why he was opening Tinder says a lot.

@Ant330 I've read a little of what's gone on and I agree with everyone else. She's treated you very badly. I hope you get some answers soon. I'm not sure I would've been so patient.

Dipping back in, struggling to keep up with the thread, dating and real life.

I have a 2nd date tonight, can’t remember if I gave him a name, let’s call him Mr Skinny, I think I’m going to his house (I know, a bit too soon possibly) as the weather is horrible and we just want to chill, maybe watch a film and eat. He messages me on and off all day every day even when he’s at work, so far he seems pretty genuine, everything’s pretty relaxed, no mention of anything sexual so I’m not sure what will happen tonight, I’m tying to play it cool but I have a itch that needs scratching, I don’t want to ruin things by DTD too soon (which is usually what happens). I need tips on how to control myself 🤣

@lovemusic33 um, how hairy are your legs? Write something you can't possibly show him on your body with sharpie so you can't get naked??

Mind you I did once in my yoof do the hairy legs trick with long boots and a skirt and only my boots stayed on like some weird kinky thing because I couldn't explain to my date why 😂

I'm meeting 5in1 for a coffee at lunchtime and I'm a bit about it. As we were chatting on the phone yesterday arranging it he said three things that flag something pretty serious going on in his life or a mental health issue... and then he shut down and flat out refused to talk about it. At the same time he's pushing to come over which includes meeting my parents, and I think could be based in insecurity that I'm hiding a double life. Fair enough, I was glad to see where he lived in order to cross off that possibility. I was moving mentally into happy for him to meet parents this week, I was going to have the exclusivity talk but now I just want to draw back from him until he's going to tell me what the fuck is going on for him... and yet we're (possibly?) too new to each other for me to insist that he tells me what's going on. I feel very about it and my mind has run away with all sorts of possibilities of what it could be, from various mental health conditions to still hung up on ex to horrific drama in family to doesn't feel about me the way he should.... I just want to know what he's dealing with, to know if it's something I can help with and support him through or if it's a deal breaker.

love I'm going to sound like a grannie here (I could easily be one, if my DDs didn't keep associating with twats!), but why are you going to this man's house just to 'chill'? You've met him once. You have problems with boundaries. Given your horrible experiences earlier in the summer, I can't get my head around why you would make yourself vulnerable in this way. Is scratching an itch worth the possible mental and even physical harm you are putting in your way here? By all means tell me to back off, but alarm bells rang when I read your post and I couldn't stay silent.

@Ginmel I think you were replying to my post?

If so, don't apologise, my mh is my responsibility not yours, and one of the reasons I am here (and trying to force myself to enter the realm of OLD) is that I am trying to change who I am.

I guess I was actually mulling over how much of the angst in the thread comes from assuming that other people are just like us, when actually the range of experiences and reactions to them is really very wide.

I was indeed @starry sorry about the mixup. I hit the wrong s on the tags

If it's anything consolation OLD triggers things with me too from a mh perspective. I'm working through the issues but they do ass another layer of complexity to dating. It does make me extra choosy with who I go to even on a date with though as I don't want to deal with triggers if I don't need to.

Add not ass though there are plenty of those out there too

Casettes I'm not sure of I'm going to his house, he wants to meet near his house as last time we met nearer mine, he has said we can go to the pub or for a walk but I'm skint so I don't want to go to the pub if I can't offer to pay for my meal. It's meant to be raining all day so not sure of we can go on a walk, I just have a feeling we will end up at his. I know we have only met once bit something feels a bit different about him, he's only ever been in one relationship and that lasted 20 years, he hasn't mentioned anything sexual and has been pretty open about everything as have I. He's not usually what I go for which is possibly where I jave gone wrong in the past but I do know that he might not be what he seems so I will be careful.

coffee your gut is talking to you, listen to it. You are perfectly within your rights to seek explanations.

OK love sorry for the lecture! Enjoy your date and here's hoping the sun starts to shine

Sorry @Lovemusic33 but I agree with @CassettesAreCool. Just because the weather is bad doesn't mean you need to go to yours. Put on a raincoat and walk the dogs.

Oh god sorry massive crosspost 😮

Ladies and gents, you’ll be amazed to hear I’m overthinking again....been invited to Mr Buckets but as he lives a way away I’m feeling a bit weird that I couldn’t get home easily, even though I’d be driving...I think he’s definitely expecting to dtd too and while I’d like that I don’t want to feel pressured into it. And I feel as though if I explain that to him he’ll go elsewhere. Any thoughts?

Fmfl do you really want to keep someone that you feel might go elsewhere if you say you dont want dtd? Maybe it wouldn't be a loss 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully the rain will clear. We have arranged to meet near a cafe and walking area not far from his house, will see how things go. I don’t think he’s trying to get me to go to his, he’s showing no signs of trying to get me into bed 🤣.

At the moment it is hammering it down with rain, we have a weather warning for thunder, lightening and heavy storms so won’t be walking unless it clears off.

Just sent this off to Mr H- he should get it tomorrow after work!!🤣

All.
When Miss Small and I chatted last night, I said that I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to come to hers, at least on a first date. We're trying to arrange something local to us both, hopefully when she has childcare, otherwise it will be a quick coffee after work.

In other news, Miss BA might be willing to meet me! - however, she "let slip" that during a recent long haul, she hooked up with a guy. Why on earth would you tell a potential iron that? To get me jealous? or is she hinting that she is just looking for something casual?

My Skinny is now booking a table at the pub even though I told him I can’t afford it. Looks like we are eating out and then going for a walk near his house (he lives in a place that’s good for walking).

@Neverexpected2 gosh yeah, when you put it that way...my boundaries need shoring up, clearly.

@lovemusic33 I hope the date goes well and that the rain clears for you!

Oh @FMFL why don't you just suggest a date somewhere halfway where you can both get to - is this date number 3? You really don't sound very sure and that's absolutely fine! As @Neverexpected2 said, if he'll dump you because you're not ready to DTD he's done you a favour early on and you consign him to the loser pile.

@AverageGuy Could be either of those reasons, but she sounds pretty confident. Personally I think she's breadcrumbing you a bit - what do you mean might be willing to meet you? Perhaps she has a fella in every (air)port and she needs to wait until there's a vacancy? Personally I've known a few cabin crew, male and female and whilst I wouldn't want to tar a whole industry with the same brush, they pretty much live by the "what goes on on tour, stays on tour" motto.

@Lillyrose19 MrC would just scratch the whole lot off for sure.

@LoveMusic33 Have you told him you're a bit skint or are you just going to order a bowl of soup and pretend you had a massive lunch?

I've been invited to spend the weekend at MrC's to attend an event to meet the extended family. Intimidating Aunty will be there and spending the weekend also. MrC has forewarned me there will be no hanky panky because they're staying in the bedroom next to his for 3 nights. 3 fucking nights lying next to him and not being able to do anything? We'll see about that...I can be quiet if I need to, or there may be something in the barn that requires his urgent attention

FMFL it's not entirely clear what you are saying, is it that you don't really want to go to his? Or that fear of not meeting expectations is stopping you doing what you want?

It's always your absolute right to say no, expectations mean nothing in comparison.

You shouldn't fear expressing your needs and wants, if you would like to visit then say so, but be explicit that it doesn't mean you are ready for DTD yet. His response should tell you what you need to know.

Neverexpected2 is right, why would you want someone whose affection is conditional?