Dating Thread 165: The bravest thing you will ever do is love again ❤

[JeSuisPrest]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Lillyrose19 we see each other fortnightly, text or speak every day. It started as friends but with a bit more and it just seems so easy. A lot of affection and no stress. I really should be swiping but just not sure I want to get into anything else more complex at the moment.

All. to all those that have hit bumps in the road, or have potentially split.. Dating is not as easy as it was when we were teenagers, is it? Has life made us too jaded?

Gosh this thread moves fast! I've had a bit of a dramatic weekend. My DD (22) was camping with some friends, and decided / was convinced to do some weed.. She has a condition that means she takes a cocktail of drugs daily, so unsurprisingly, the weed didn't react well.

I ended up sorting out the mess, as exW was much further away, but it just goes to show you, even with adult children, they are still children...

Been chatting with Miss Small. All seems to have been going well. However, she now can't get childcare for Thursday. She has sort-of suggested she bring little one out when we meet - I'm not that comfortable with that, but not 100% against it. Any advice oh wise ones?

@AverageGuy I'm sorry to hear about your dd. It's hard enough navigating being young without added complications.

Personally, I wouldn't meet someone for the first time with a young child in tow. I've been seeing MrSAS 4 months now and I have no plans for him to meet my children in the near future. I think kids are easily confused.

averageguy it’s impossible to get to know someone when there are small children around so as a first date I think that would be pointless. If not a deathknell. (Mr Courteous’ teenage son turned up during our second date and killed it stone dead for me - too much reality!). I hope your DD is ok. You’re right, responsibility doesn’t stop when DC are adults, but if we’re lucky it’s less full on/constant.

I wouldn’t go on any dates with children present but certainly not a first date that’s way too much for me. And kind of weird for the child.

Sunshine Cassettes I think you are right. He is only 6 months, so wouldn't really know what was happening, but I keep thinking how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot...

She has said she is checking on childcare, so we'll see. If not, it will have to be next week...

I'd just rather meet her sooner than later - I don't want things to drag on for weeks if we can help it.

@JeSuisPrest the shower writing just made my heart sing. Lovely

average guy her situation is a little unusual, I could imagine that she might want to filter strongly for men who can cope with her reality. Maybe suggest you would be OK with it if she thinks the LO will be fine with it, but also offer to rearrange if she would prefer that?

ant330 MissH outright asked for time and space, it's up to you to decide if you trust her enough to give it. You don't know what history and feelings might have been dragged up, and some people can take a lot of time to process.

Obviously I am projecting here, something came up in therapy a couple of months ago that I know I should talk to my parents about, but I have been totally avoiding it, trying to just shove it back in the dark forgotten place it came from, and withdrawing from human contact is definitely my primary defence mechanism.

All I would suggest is that when you do talk, try to remember to express your feelings directly without attributing them to actions; "I have been feeling vulnerable" rather than "Your lack of communication makes me feel vulnerable". Attribution causes guilt/shame and tends to cause argument rather than resolve things.

Starry Yep, she has already said a lot of guys run a mile when she mentions LO.. I have suggested a couple of days next week, but childcare seems to be a recurring issue..

It might have to be with LO in tow, if I want to meet her (which I do) I guess I may just have to go with it.. It could be a deal breaker if things don't go well, but better to find out now, I suppose..

Damn, lost a long post I wrote.

In brief then,

Alk the poeople saying there must be something in the air/water - there is. I haven't posted this because I was worried it's too woowoo but fuck it. It's mercury retrograde. Mercury appears to nice backwards in its orbit (optical illusion) - and mercury governs communications, travel, contracts, so when its in retrograde these things can go to shit. Particularly with miscommunications happening. This one has been around since July 8th and is been a HUMDINGER. I don't believe in a lot of astronomy (or astrology I can never remember which word - starsigns and stuff) - but I see a lot of evidence for mercury retrograde playing havoc! I've had several missfire communications myself, and knowing it's been MR is the only reason they haven't exploded into bigger problems. I've seen some massive fights, ends of friendships, relationship breakdowns etc this month.

The good news, is that it's due to end it's bullshit on 1st-2nd August, so not long now. Although there's a "shadow" period either side of MR by up to two weeks. Those of you with decisions to make about relationships, if you can hold off until at least 3rd August that would be my advice.

All I would suggest is that when you do talk, try to remember to express your feelings directly without attributing them to actions; "I have been feeling vulnerable" rather than "Your lack of communication makes me feel vulnerable". Attribution causes guilt/shame and tends to cause argument rather than resolve things.

Good advice for everybody, though I'd tweak to "when you do X I feel Y" - because there is a link, but you're still taking personal responsibility for your own reactions.

The technique I know of is called Non-Violent Communication and Marshall Roosenbelt has an excellent video or two on you tube if anybody wants to learn more.

@AverageGuy I think @starryunicorn 's suggestion is good. It shows empathy and a keenness to meet her but gives her the option of pulling out and rescheduling. It isn't ideal but perhaps a quick coffee somewhere would be an easy first date?

@Ant330 I'm sorry things aren't working with Miss H. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, there could be some awful previous experience that this has triggered but unfortunately she won't talk to you about it. I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say that you have always come across as such a lovely man that if she loses you she has made a big mistake.

@FMFL please ignore whatsapp anxieties. For the first six weeks I was really bothered by Mr Rs frequent and late night habits but he has multiple friendship groups based around hobbies and friends abroad and I think even his grandmother whatsapps him. I have learnt this just by spending time with him and he shows me funny messages or photos when we're together. Some people just use whatsapp a lot and it isn't to multidate.

I had another lovely date with Mr R except he can sometimes be grumpy with me (fair enough I can be irritating) and I will need to understand if the grumpiness is a long term frustration or if it is the sort of thing that blows over and doesn't mean anything. A problem with ex was he couldn't tell me what was wrong until he left and so he had built up years of resentment at every tiny thing I'd done. So it could be good that Mr R communicates but maybe I'm sensitive because I'm not used to it. Maybe this is the difficult three month stage someone mentioned earlier.

Starry that's really useful, thank you.
JeSuis shower writing was lovely 👍 I wouldn't worry about the apologising, you're clearly just sensitive to each others feelings and are now comfortable talking things through so they don't become bigger issues. All sounds great!

Thanks all.

I have suggested a quick coffee with LO in tow, and she is considering it...

I have a new iron I'll call Mr S. He lives about 1.5 miles from Mr G. What are the odds of that? May not even end in meeting but I had to laugh at that.

I also meant to say he sent a photo with his hand in it. ✋👍 Thanks @simonjt. Not that I'm bothered anyhow but I just couldn't help but look

@Coffeeandchocolate9 that makes sense. I used to know a lot about astrology and it's actually really rational and quite sciencey. Though not in an evidence based way. Unfortunately all most of us know of it your mystic megs etc.

Mr and mr u are both Virgo's do ruled by mercury. And it's been a massive communication problem. And it sounds the same with a lot on here. Although in Mr Us case it's also because he's a clueless twat.

Average I think that's a good suggestion, as Starry said it may well be her way of filtering out all the guys who say no to a date with LO as well.

I really try not to believe in things like Mercury in retrograde but the number of times I've had a big disagreement with someone during that time vs not is significantly higher esp seeing I'm not one for big disagreements.

Well I don’t know about Mercury or such but this dating lark is such bollux, isn’t it?

Mr Courteous, I’m glad to say, has joined me in the fading out so there has been no acrimony, just no contact. I deleted everything about four days ago so I’m not tempted to drop him a line just to check he’s ok - his life is shit but that was for me the problem, I would only ever be A supportive sideshow in the drama that is his life.

Having got very keen over the weekend following our phone interview, Mr Dynamic has baled on tonight’s first date on the grounds he needs to see his sick DF. Asked to see me tomorrow night instead. Hmmm. He told me his DF is an arsehole so I’m not buying it. Can’t make tomorrow (as I’m seeing Mr Greedy FWB before his 2 week 🥰) then I’m away for a week. Gave him two alternative dates. He’s read but not responded. He’s now archived.

He was my last iron, I’m not bothering with OLD from now on, just going to scratch itches with Mr Greedy and (maybe) Mr Mad and be done with it.

All, she is open to the idea of a coffee with LO in tow

She even suggested I go to hers, but I'm VERY wary about the sort of signals that sends, and the risk, so am treading very carefully...

Coffee - I'm a Gemini - supposedly mercurial to start with.. I wonder if that's why I'm struggling to get a match? (Not that I believe in Astrology, of course...)

@Averageguy I’d stick with the coffee.

Is she looking for an instant family @averageguy?

Sometimes I love fab. Its just so upfront.

Ginmel oh god, I hope not...

On the Fab front, I may have a meet arranged... I hope so, I need an itch scratched...

@AverageGuy a friend of mine had a 6 month relationship that started in a similar way. She met a bloke for coffee and he brought his 8month old toddler along.
She said it was actually one of the best first dates she'd had because they were both more relaxed having the child there to distract them if things got awkward.

Hope it goes well for you.