Dating Thread 165: The bravest thing you will ever do is love again ❤

[JeSuisPrest]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Didn't think of that shitwith but I'm making myself some eggs on toast. .
I've messaged her so we'll see.

Hello everyone. Apologies for just jumping straight in with a long post but I need a bit of advice.

Short story - how do ask someone why their Tinder location keeps updating without sounding stalker-like and confrontational?

Longer story - I've been doing OLD on and off for about 3 years. Had a couple of relationships but they both ended when I discovered the blokes were cheating.

About 2 weeks ago I matched with someone on Tinder and hit it off. We've managed to meet 4 times since then and 3 of those were last week.
Dates 1 and 3 were almost accidental as we discovered we were in the same place at the same time.
Date 2 was a proper date at a pub for drinks.

Then on Friday my evening plans were cancelled. So I decided to ask if he was free and suggested he came to me house for a drink in my garden as it was a lovely evening.
But I said that I could only invite him if I knew he wasn't actively looking to date anyone else. But if he wanted to keep it more casual at the moment that was fine but we'd meet elsewhere.

He told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. Came round and we had a lovely evening. Just drinks and chat followed by a good snog as he was leaving.

But I can see his location keeps changing on Tinder. He's gone to visit his kids this weekend which is about 100miles away. And Tinder is showing that as his location. Before that it changed three times during the day, from his house to work and back to his house

How to ask him what's going on? I'm over sensitive to this because of the past cheating partners but I don't want to blow this.

Just want to jump in and rant whilst we're slagging our ex's . I'm fuming. My ex won't let me see my dogs, one of which I had before I was with him and who is getting very frail in her old age. We've done mediation he claims his son is his priority but goes 2 weeks or more without seeing him, never texts or rings. I've been texting asking to see them and he said we'd sort something for today and he's like to see our son. Not heard from him and I've asked again. He said he will be home later but is going to see his gran and then wants to see our son and we will discuss the dogs then. 😡

@EchoElephant To be honest, I think 2 weeks is pretty early to be expecting exclusivity. He's probably 'browsing' on Tinder but not actively looking to date anyone else. I think you mentioning it at this point may seem a little stalker-ish!

@Ant330 Glad you had a good night-sounds like just what the doctor ordered (minus the hangover...that's a killer).

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Sorry to hear about your ex being a total knob. I agree with another poster about the birthday though-I'd make a big fuss of your own and leave them to the party. Luckily your little one is young enough to not realise.

I have to say, although my ex was unfaithful, he is pretty decent as far as ex's and co-parents go. He is a great dad to our kids and so far, has made sure we're ok financially to stay in the family home and have me some money just before we came on holiday as extra without me asking. I know it's mostly guilt but I'll take it!

I'm typing this from a sun lounger by the pool #sorrynotsorry

@Sunshineandflipflops Thank you, you're right.
I know 2 weeks is no time at all. It's just my insecurity from the way my last 2 relationships ended.
And I didn't want to invite him to my house with the possibility of DTD, if he was still meeting other women, which is why I'm asked. But I gave him the option to meet at a pub instead.

I'm just confused why he would say he wasn't looking to date anyone else but is still browsing on Tinder.

@EchoElephant As a few of us on here have found, some men (and probably women) seem to find the ego boost too strong a pull to come off the apps completely.

@EchoElephant It could be ongoing messaging/notifications that he is responding to ?

Tinder and all the sites make it really straightforward to remove yourself from the game by hiding your profile and it’s what I did in the early stages of dating someone I liked. Some people prefer to multi-date rather than serial date (and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting they change their approach).

Maybe proceed with caution and keep an eye on it his use just to compare his actions with his words. Bear in mind he may also notice your location changing and think he’s within his rights to continue with Tinder.

@HairyArsedMan I hid my profile after I met him for the second time. I told him this on Friday when I invited him to my house, but added that I didn't expect him to do the same.

I only ever look on Tinder when I'm at home. So my location shouldn't change....I hope!
I supposed I'm a bit annoyed that he's still looking/responding to messages/who knows, while he's visiting his kids. But I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning.

@Sunshineandflipflops "some men (and probably women) seem to find the ego boost too strong". So true!!
I've skim read through the last couple of threads so I know a little of what happened to you. I hope he's missing you like crazy and that it all works out for you.

My last relationship ended after a year because a friend spotted him back on Tinder. He claimed he was just looking because he missed it

Mr 4 dates seems genuine but I've been taken for a fool in the past and felt like such a bad judge of character, that I feel I can't rely on my instinct any more.

Morning all.

Hope things get back on track for you today @Ant330, I'm glad you sent a message this morning, not to would seem like you weren't interest in moving past the current issue.

@EchoElephant he could be swiping for any number of reasons, boredom, ego boost, actively looking 🤷🏻‍♀️. I too think 2 weeks is too early to talk about being exclusive unless you're at the DTD stage. It's tough for sure.

This is a bit of a brain dump TLDR. Had a bit of a shit moment (hour) with MrC last night. We were in the garden having a drink and he was showing me something on his phone - he'd actually given me his phone to read an article and I had it in my hand. A message popped up and all I saw was "POF Emma Snapchat." My name is not fucking Emma 😟. I very calmly passed the phone back and told him he had a message from Emma. He looked genuinely confused and opened It - it actually said "POF Emma has joined Snapchat", so he hadn't actually received a message from her, but she was still in his contacts which is why he got the notification.

I asked him why and he said he still had loads of old numbers in his phone, he'd never fallen out with any of his dates so he'd never thought about deleting them 🤷🏻‍♀️, but he certainly wasn't in contact with any of them since we've been together. I told him I'd deleted all mine and he deleted his there and then. He did that typical bloke thing (sorry men on the thread!) Of just thinking 1 + 1 =2 I've got the numbers, but I'm not in contact with them, ergo no problem. I did my JeSuis thing of 1 + 1 = 493 he has got the numbers, he's keeping them as a back up plan and I'm just a nice distraction until something better comes along. Anyhow, I went v. quiet for about an hour/had a little cry in the bathroom and he knew I was upset.

He felt bad because I felt bad, but I managed to think about it rationally and get it in perspective - he never hides his phone from me, always opens his messages/texts in front of me and doesn't take it with him everywhere he goes. So what would normally have turned me into a sobbing anxiety ridden snotfest was sorted in an hour after some big hugs and reassuring words and we had a lovely evening and morning together. Back down again this afternoon 😍

Well done jesuis!

@JeSuisPrest I do the same thing - putting one and one together and assuming the worst.
It's great that you can have a conversation about it with Mr C and be reassured.

I know 2 weeks is too soon for exclusivity. I thought we would DTD on Friday eve. But in the end we agreed not to that evening. However, his messages after he left suggested that he would like to next time we meet.
Which is why I want to find out why he's still using Tinder. Especially when he said he wasn't looking to date anyone else.

@shitwithsugaron did you two manage to sort things out?

Ant I hope the hangover goes soon!

Marl - pah, what a wanker. He'll out himself soon enough, but it must be horrible for you in the meantime. Try to remember that you get every day with your kids, and a birthday isn't the be all and end all (though I know it must feel horrible).

Sunshine it sounds like your holiday is going well!

@EchoElephant I'd just ask outright about the location. Life's too short.

Lilyrose I hope you get access to your dogs :(

After staying over with 5in1 on Friday night I went straight back again for a film after work Saturday. Despite my choice of film being TERRIBLE 😂 we had a really lovely chilled couple of hours, he had shopped and cooked especially for me (I'm coeliac) 😍 I couldn't stay because he was picking his brother up later on, and we haven't met yet. (His mum is okayish but in hospital again - plenty of evidence of disability equipment and meds at the house to corroborate this). Got a text later from a lonely and p'd off 5in1 that he had gone to pick DB up only to be told he'd been asked to stay another night (was working at a festival) so I could have stayed and he wished he'd have known sooner because he'd really enjoyed me staying over. He was really very sweet.

As I left he dropped some not too subtle hints about me hosting next time. We're both in the unenviable position of being in our 30s and living back with family and I've not dated or brought anybody back here since I was 21 😳 I made a bit of a jokey reference to he'd be welcome to come over and have a cup of tea with my folks since they're not going away on hols any time soon, and he said "whatever it takes." Um. I'm not quite sure if that means I've just invited him (and he's agreed) to meet my parents and stay over?! 😯

....Which also means I'm starting to think about the exclusivity talk. How do you go about having that?! Help! I've got no idea. I haven't been interested in arranging any other dates since we met, and the few times I've logged on to the app he's not been online, but he has mentioned having been out and done things that sounds like date activities - I busted myself once for caring who he was with and he laughed and reassured me it was a friend - but I'd like us to have a chat and see if we're on the same page or not, now that we have dtd and are talking about meeting parents, if only for practical sleepover reasons...

@shitwithsugaron glad things are sorted.

I'm taking the approach that things with Mr H are over 😢. Not heard from him in a week, normally I'd text and not give a shit but can't bring myself too 😢.
Been swiping and there is a whole lot of shit out there. Why can't men have a conversation? I ask questions and they respond with one word answers.
Got chatting to one lad this morning, went on wats app and he's done nothing but try to ring me to show me his bits and ask me for them too. Fuck off sunshine, I'd like to at least know a few facts about you first. Can tell he's very confident (massive muscles) but a complete player. Not for me, fed up of playing games.

@shitwithsugaron I text a long and funny message last week, he sent one word back and I've not heard from him since. Being stubborn really I think as it's always me making the effort or afraid of him actually saying it's over. I've two options, text a nice and breezy how you doing, you not being in touch has not been on my mind at all, or a grumpy-are you telling me you've been that busy you haven't thought of me once all week or had 30 seconds whilst you've been on watsapp 10 times today to send a quick hello?!

I think your third option lily,?given his WA activity, is to assume it’s over, delete number and chat and move on. A fourth option, if you want closure, is to tell him it’s over. ‘Well our silence speaks volumes so let’s agree this has run its course now. Wishing you well in all your endeavours’.

I’ve recently taken the third option with Mr Courteous, frankly as soon as the number has gone from my phone I find it easy to forget people if I haven’t DTD with them. Can’t remember if that is your situation.

@CassettesAreCool no unfortunately we've been seeing each other since February. He even gave me a birthday present last week 🤯

Hello all! Glad to see familiar names on the thread :)

I felt bad just disappearing so to let you know that me and MrF decided to give it a proper go. Things are going as well as they could I think - it's definitely been a bumpy ride and I do think at our age (late 40s), with a lot of dcs between us, things were never going to be simple!

So just to give all of you hope - I had all but given up when I met MrF. And he was incredibly flakey in the first few months. I think if I had posted how flakey he had really been, most of you would have told me to give up! But it did turn out that he was scared of falling into something where he had real feelings and once he managed to speak to me about this, it was like the barrier came down and everything was so much easier.

Good luck to everyone - I really hope you all find someone that lights your fire! One thing is for sure - if this doesn't work out, I don't think I will ever do OLD again! Just takes too much out of me!

lily in that case option 4 but without the good wishes! I wouldn’t show quite how pissed off I was but that’s just me, the emphatic ‘it is you who are dumped’ would be enough for me. Just. It is shit of him.

daffo great update, really pleased for you 😊

Great update daffo pleased for you?

lilyrose19 what a scumbag! Wtf is wrong with people. Hope you’re ok.

Again would just like to say thanks for everyone on this thread who has been a super support to me recently xxx

Shaking..... my ex just turned up after sending a text saying he wasn't seeing him today. Wanted a word as I sent a message about the dogs being mine too and that he needs to be in our sons life or not, none of this seeing him once a fortnight and no ringing him. He kicked off that the dogs are no longer mine and I brought all this on myself for breaking up the marriage (he drank ALOT). Kicked him out the house as he was shouting at me, he stood right over me with his finger in my face and threatened to put me in the ground. I replied with he should've done a proper job when he tried to kill himself. I feel guilty for saying that but how fucking dare he come into my house and abuse me like that and threaten me. Now he's just driven off with my son with no arrangements to bring him home 😫. Oh I could cry