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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP tried to kick DD out the house

274 replies

wallflower · 23/07/2019 18:14

DP and I have been together for 9 years, I had two children before I met him and we have one together. My oldest is very nearly 17, about to go into her second year of college. Years ago her and DP used to get on really well but once she became a teenager they have had some difficulty getting on. She doesn't always want to listen to him, this often follows with the "you're not my dad" line but he tends to treat her differently, for example he'll buy things for the other two and not for her and he's a lot stricter with her. These are things I've tried to address and sort out between the two of them. However yesterday, whilst I wasn't home they got into a huge argument, which ended with him sending DD to pack her bags, which is when I got home, asked what was going on and all DP said was "she needs to go", I told DD she didn't have to go anywhere but she said she was going to stay at her friend's house tonight anyway and left. According to DP the argument was over her telling him how to look after DD2, I don't have DD's side of the story yet. Arguments with them seem to blow out of proportion but it's never gone that far. He acts about the same age as her at times like this but also uses the authority he has over her and takes it too far. I think if he had it his way she would have been made to move out by now, it's ridiculous. DD hasn't yet returned but said she will later today, when DP has left for his night shift, I know she's okay though just angry with him.

OP posts:
SuzieQ10 · 23/07/2019 19:55

Put your child before your partner.

Anyone who made my DD feel like she had to leave my home would not be a person I could continue to love. Assess your priorities. You've let your daughter down by letting it get this far.

Graphista · 23/07/2019 19:58

Fgs another woman prioritising a badly behaved man over their child!

So so SICK of seeing/hearing this happen

Op get rid of him!

He's behaving APPALLINGLY and bullying your children- plural - because the Other 2 are seeing all this and they too will be thinking that's how he'll treat them in future. Prioritise your kids not your love life!

CatteStreet · 23/07/2019 19:59

Tell him to pack a bag and go. Tell him you'll talk to him about this when you're ready, but nobody orders your children out of their home. Then go to her friend's and get her. Tell her he's gone and she is coming home.

I know it's drastic and it's hard on your youngest (although golden child isn't really an enviable role either), but I honestly think this is the only way you'll be able to turn things around for your daughter now.

The poor child. Why on earth did you not stamp on the first instances of getting things for the others and not her/unwarranted and unfair strictness?

RonnieScotts · 23/07/2019 19:59

Obviously OP is packing her 'D'P's bags as we speak.....there's no way on earth she'll be choosing him over her own daughter.

GreenTulips · 23/07/2019 20:01

What authority does he have exactly?

We treat our 16 year old with the same respect we ask of her.

We give her freedom to become a young woman

Something is really wrong here

Millyanon · 23/07/2019 20:01

Please put your child first. Your words mean nothing if you don't make it clear she does come first, and not your 'D'P. Why would she ever feel like she could come back if he is still there or there are no consequences for him?

Please think about why you have allowed him to treat her so badly in the last couple of years. He is an adult. She is dependent on you if her father is absent.

IvanaPee · 23/07/2019 20:02

If you care then pack his bags and get rid of him so your CHILD can come home.

The child who he purposely leaves out when buying stuff for the others. And the child who watches her mother allow that behaviour.

Wildorchidz · 23/07/2019 20:04

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Tavannach · 23/07/2019 20:10

Can she talk to you about her dad not being in her life? Or does she save that for friends?

It's very concerning that your DP thought he had the authority to throw your DD out of her own home without even consulting you. He certainly thinks he's the boss man, doesn't he? He needs to calm down and really consider his behaviour. Respect has to be earned. He's the adult here and he's behaving as a bully. Maybe he could read a book like 'How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk.'

Maybe you could find some kind of family counselling. It's going to get worse if he doesn't change his attitude quickly.

iMatter · 23/07/2019 20:15

You can put whatever gloss on it you want but he's kicked her out

He's made her feel so unwelcome IN HER OWN HOME that she'd rather stay with a mate

Shame on him

Protect and support your dd

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/07/2019 20:16

I keep reading and rereading your first post saying how he gets stuff for the other two and leaves her out.

He doesn't just sound thoughtless he sounds like a malicious bully.

How can you want to be with someone who treats your daughter like a second class citizen within the family?

She needs you. Step up. Go and see her wherever she is and give her a hug for godsake. Even if she doesn't want to talk right now, you need her to know you give a shit, went to find her and you put her first.

wallflower · 23/07/2019 20:18

I have a good relationship with DD, she's open with me about how she feels and when something's bothering her

OP posts:
luckylavender · 23/07/2019 20:19

Seriously OP you have to get rid of him. This could ruin your DDs life, it's a massive crossroads. You have to put her first.

IvanaPee · 23/07/2019 20:21

@wallflower what are you going to do about this shit storm? Because you’re not really saying much in your posts...

Singlenotsingle · 23/07/2019 20:21

LTB. What does her bio dad think about all this?

ColdAndSad · 23/07/2019 20:22

She's certainly not been kicked out, I made it clear to her that she wasn't but she still wanted to go and stay at her friend's instead

He made it clear she wasn't welcome, but did you tell him very clearly that his behaviour wasn't acceptable? Because if you didn't stand up for her, she probably thought you agreed with him. She's seen him treating her differently to the other children for years, and you've allowed it to happen; why would she assume that you had her back here, when you don't seem to have stood up for her before?

I know it must be very hard for you: but it's harder for your daughter. She needs you in her corner.

wallflower · 23/07/2019 20:24

DD is on her way back, he's at work but I have spoken to him about it and will again when he gets back

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 23/07/2019 20:25

@wallflower
What do you do when he leaves her out? What do you do when he treats her more harshly than the others? What do you do when he refuses to accept that she is becoming an adult, and needs guidance, understanding and respect whilst she learns how to be an adult around her parents? What have you been doing to stop his mistreatment of her over all these years?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2019 20:25

He got mad enough over a 16 yr old telling him how to care for a child that he kicked her out? That's ridiculous! Seems to me that a teen trying to tell an adult how to care for a child would result in a "Yes, love, whatever" response and an eyeroll. Sounds to me as if he was looking for a reason to kick her out and this one came at a convenient time. It'll be interesting to hear her side of the story, if OP chooses to let us know.

NEVER choose a man over your child.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 23/07/2019 20:28

You've seen the posts about what happens when you put cock before kids. It rarely ends well.

TalentedMsRipley · 23/07/2019 20:28

Woah. If my partner so much as looks at my dd the wrong way I want to punch him. Sounds like you're getting a hard time on here but please don't put your partner first. My mum did this and none of my sisters have ever really forgiven her.

Graphista · 23/07/2019 20:28

"Spoken to him" could you sound more wishy washy?

You don't owe us anything, you DO owe your dd a home she is safe (not just physically but in terms of security) in and not to inflict a bullying man on her or your other DC

Like hell would any man who treated my dd like that be staying a moment longer!

Juells · 23/07/2019 20:32

Wildorchidz
Your daughter is suffering the consequences of your shitty choices in men. I feel so very sorry for her.

Not something you'll want to hear, but unfortunately it's true. A father who has abandoned her, and an abusive stepfather. Her self-esteem must be very low, and she's being taught that women have to put up with any old shit from men, because they're the important ones.

Exhsuatedmuch · 23/07/2019 20:38

I will never understand anyone who puts the partner first.. We have children to care for them, to love and nurture them and to bring out the best in them leaving them to grow in independence along the way. We don't have them to allow others to bully them, to make them feel small and unwanted or to use them to take out our own insecurities on.
She never should have left the house in the first place. He should have. A one off I can understand as teens can be hard work but to have allowed this man to highlight she's Nothing to him by treating her so differently to the others is beyond awful... Trust me she is harbouring resentment which will only continue to grow.. Sometimes we have to make hard choices, my husband knows mine would be my kids. Daughter comes first.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 23/07/2019 20:42

Sorry OP, it why are you not more mad about this? I'd be incandescent. If you have a good relationship with her now, please please please do everything you can to fight for your child. My mum once told me at around your DD's age that she'd not hesitate to choose my dad over me if she ever needed to. I used to think that was normal. I thought we were 'close' too. It's only in recent years that I've realised no one comes before your children.
Don't drive her away, she needs you.