Everyone who said DH would leave and have a baby with her was right

[Worriedandconfused2]

I posted on here months ago under a different name, about my DH messgaing and flirting with his ex, his 'one that got away'. I got loads of good advice here even though lots of it was painful to read at the time.

I would love to be able to say I was the strong role model for my DD and threw him out after his disrespect, but of course I wasn't. We tried counselling which I didn't find very helpful, the counsellor seemed more interested in exploring why DH didn't feel able to get over his ex so we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards.

Anyway we limped on mostly as if nothing had happened but everything had happened, I felt on edge and sad and sick all the time inside and every time he went away for work, in the city his ex moved to a month or so after Christmas, I pictured them together. And it turns out I was right. In early May something happened which came to a head and I demanded to see his phone. Eventually after a huge row about it he gave in and handed it over. He'd deleted Messenger and Whatsapp after I'd found the first lot of messages and promised not to reinstall them which was true but I found another messaging app I'd never even heard of, tucked away in an innocuous folder. It only had about a week's worth of messages but they were filthy. Photos, videos of both of them that they'd sent to each other, more explicit than you can imagine. I still feel sick and start shaking to think of it, I'll never get some of those images out of my head.

Funnily enough even he couldn't deny it any longer in the face of that and again I'm not proud to say I begged him to give her up, I sobbed and pleaded and promised him things I'm embarrassed and furious with myself to recall. But he didn't, he left and for the past two and a half months he's been living with her in her shagger's paradise flat, and last week he told me she's pregnant. Pregnant with the baby I always wanted, DD's an only because DH never wanted more children. He was shame faced telling me but it was like there was a big beam of pride and pleasure waiting to break through underneath and he let slip far more than I wanted to know which leaves me in no doubt it's a planned and wanted baby. I knew she wanted children because that's why she broke up with her ex-H and she's in her 30st, but my DH supposedly didn't want any more. When what he really meant was he didn't want any more with me.

How do I cope with the pain, and the anger? I know it's a cliche, and I know I should probably have got angry sooner, but it's like a wave crashes over me and I'm just raging, I want to break stuff and punch him and then next minute I'm breathless with pain all over again. I have to try and hold it all together for DD but not bad-mouthing him is literally the hardest thing I've ever done when I'm in the grip of this pure burning rage. I feel like a boat being tossed from one emotion to the other and I don't know if or how I'm ever going to feel normal again. It's like hes stolen the other child I shoudl have had and given it to HER instead. And I know I shouldn't torture myself but I ca't get the image of them having unprotected sex together out of my head, hoping to conceive and all the business with the pregnancy test, all happy and laughing together and I didn't have any of that, DD was unplanned and it was all a shock and oh shit and wondering briefly if I should have a termination and much as he truly loves DD now, he wouldn't have been heartbroken if I had done and now he's doing the happy expectant father stuff with another woman.

And how the hell do I tell my lovely, bright, special, warm hearted, gentle 10yo DD that the Dad she worships is never coming home because he's having a baby, her half-sister with another woman??

I don't think you sound stupid at all. I totally get the 'at least don't let this all be for nothing' feeling.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't want to bash his head in or that you shouldn't put prawns in his car. 😉 🍤🍤🍤🍤

Hello Worriedandconfused2 it’s been a few years now. How are you? I think of you and wonder how you and DD have been

I often think of you too @Worriedandconfused2

Add me to the list, @Worriedandconfused2. I so hope that you and DD are doing well.

Oh! I’ve just realised people were asking about me earlier this year, how thoughtful of you all.

I’m not going to pretend it’s been easy. I really struggled to let go, I must have been the worst mopey mum for my DD for far too long. I took the advice to try counselling again but the first time I wasn’t ready yet to do the work needed so it was of limited value. In 2021 I tried again, using the counselling service provided by my employer (ahem 😁) and I found that more helpful. That and time has helped me get some perspective. Someone upthread said I had the Massive Wanking Cock Nostril on a pedestal and they were right, I held him up as perfect in too many ways just as he did HER.

They’re still together, they have two kids now. My DD gets on with HER which hurts, and I know it’s stupid that it still hurts after five years and I try to never let it show, but there we are. I think it’s because DD and I fight sometimes, and I think she uses HER as a sounding board if we’re not getting on so well, and that’s what hurts. I try to tell myself that DD and I wouldn’t argue if she felt insecure, or felt like she had to protect me in some way because I was still so fragile, so rightly or wrongly I take the fact she’s a normal stroppy teenager and we have normal stroppy teenager and mum who obviously knows nothing 🙄 arguments as a good sign.

That’s not to say there aren’t cracks in paradise, because there quite clearly are. At first I used to pounce on the little comments DD let slip after her weekends there that suggested they weren’t getting on and hoard them to myself like precious gems, but then one day I realised that I actually didn’t care that much any more. Sometimes I still smile to myself, sometimes I just mentally shrug and say “you made your cheating bed, mate.”

What else? The divorce feels like it was aeons ago, I think I sleepwalked through it. I have to say, in fairness, he did keep his word and the financial settlement was generous, and he has continued to pay what he should for DD, although since they had their second there have been a few comments about how expensive things are. I try to keep any response bland although I admit I’ve sniped at him a couple of times when he’s caught me at a bad time and I’ve made a pointed remark about how having a second family will do that to your bank balance. I’m not proud of it but I’m not a sodding saint and I’m not seeing DD go short of anything because of him prioritising HER over us.

I didn’t get that job, or the next one, or the couple after that. But I did a few free online courses to improve my IT skills and in 2020 I was offered a temporary contract with one of the Civil Service departments that had to expand rapidly because of the pandemic. It was mainly telephony work and it was hard to get to grips with at first because we were WFH but it led to a permanent contract, and last year it led to a promotion 😁 I’ve got quite good at these weird CS application forms!

And finally, there is a special male on the scene. He’s enthusiastic and loving and has big brown eyes, albeit with a tendency towards noxious farts…yes, he’s a Labrador 😂 DD had always wanted a dog but ex-DH had always said no, but we didn’t have to answer to him anymore. He costs a fortune in doggy daycare now I’m back in the office three days a week but he’s worth every penny, and the look on DD’s face the first time we went to see the litter and she realised it really was happening was priceless. More seriously I dipped my toe into online dating more recently and very quickly withdrew it again, far too scary. Maybe when DD is older there’ll be time for that, but between her, work, friends - I have friends now! - and the dog, I don’t really have the time or the inclination to pander to a man.

So that’s my update. Life is okay. It’s not the life I thought I’d be living but it’s okay. And thank you again for thinking of me 😘

Oh, I just realised I used the username of my original thread not this one - sorry!

Nope - you're both going to sit down with her, but he's going to have to be the one to tell her. He needs to be the one squirming here, not you, but you also need to there in case he tells her something daft or lies.

Your world is upside down but it will turn up again. She's done a massive own-goal here. She thinks she finally has her man but what she has is a cheater. Sh might not think about it now, but it will likely come to haunt her and their relationship in future.

Thanks for your very honest update - sounds to me that you’ve got yourself in a good place , be proud of yourself

@Worriedandconfused2, thanks so much for updating! I have thought of you and DD many times.

Despite your adulterous Ex’s decision to bomb your life, you have prevailed and gone from strength to strength. Has he ever shown an ounce of remorse?

I love hearing about your newest family member. He will enrich your lives beyond measure.

Sending my very best wishes to you and DD!

Also:
It sounds like you and DD have a healthy relationship where she she feels secure enough to push back and voice her differing opinions or frustrations. She knows that you are the parent who stuck around and are still there by her side providing unconditional love, guidance, honesty and advocacy. It must sting to know that she sometimes confides in OW, as she would an aunt or a friend, but try not to feel threatened. You two have been on this journey together, and have a strong bond that won’t be broken by the usual teen/mum spats or by her venting to her Dad’s partner.

What sort of dynamic do you have with OW? How does she react to you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

I've been cheated on by both ex-partners and it really breaks your trust. Right now it hurts and may hurt for a bit. But trust me when I say you will feel better and happy again.

I honestly feel like they will create misery for each other once the baby is born. There is a reason they broke up. Something was wrong. Then they wanted each other because they couldn't have each other. Now they're together all the time, and add a baby to that really quickly - once the honeymoon wears off it'll change.

Another thing I wanted to add is OW probably won't react well to your ex having DD round on weekends (or whatever the arrangement becomes). That's something that wasn't there before. She signed up to him because she wanted a child, she wanted what she couldn't have (him). Bet she never counted on having a SC.

OP has returned (at 20:27) to update her 2019 thread. A lot has happened since those very traumatic early days.

@MsDogLady thank you again, your kind words and wise advice really has helped.

Re HER, I try to have as little to do with her as possible. There was a phase a couple of years ago when suggested arrangements for DD suddenly started to come from her, but once I’d established that this wasn’t because ex-DH was ill or incapable or anything like that, I messaged him and said as he was DD’s parent, I’d prefer any communication about her to come from him. They ignored that at first, which really annoyed me, but every time SHE messaged me about DD, I just messaged him and said “do you have something to say about DD’s arrangements?” and I think they must have eventually realised I was serious about not communicating with HER because those messages gradually stopped.

One thing I do find mildly interesting, and if I’m honest I used to be quite obsessed with it but like most things relating to ex-DH I care less as time goes on, is that they’re not married. I’m certain this is down to HER, I know from innocent comments from DD in the early days that he wants to marry HER, or at least he used to want it. It makes me think PPs here were right that she’s just used him as a sperm donor and doesn’t want to be tied to him legally.

Oh how awful

with these painful affairs it’s always worth looking back at that definitive moment when you should have walked . As all the signs were there .
but like many humans you were hopeful and you wanted him .

time op . All I can say is this WILL take time and healing , maybe therapy to explore why you stayed with someone who clearly wanted someone else .

all you can do is delete all traces of them . Delete and block and bin . 1000%’no contact .

then really look after yourself , accept that this will take time and that the hurt he caused has bruised you .

as your your DD ? We split up . That’s all , and we can’t be friends anymore as he has a new girlfriend

but time is the main item . And it really does work but it takes bloody ages

Jesus H Christopher. the OP has updated above, many times!
OP You are bloody awesome. His loss. Many times over.
Labs are better than men. Well done on the promotion.
Take care of you and thank you for updating. Xx