Everyone who said DH would leave and have a baby with her was right

[Worriedandconfused2]

I posted on here months ago under a different name, about my DH messgaing and flirting with his ex, his 'one that got away'. I got loads of good advice here even though lots of it was painful to read at the time.

I would love to be able to say I was the strong role model for my DD and threw him out after his disrespect, but of course I wasn't. We tried counselling which I didn't find very helpful, the counsellor seemed more interested in exploring why DH didn't feel able to get over his ex so we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards.

Anyway we limped on mostly as if nothing had happened but everything had happened, I felt on edge and sad and sick all the time inside and every time he went away for work, in the city his ex moved to a month or so after Christmas, I pictured them together. And it turns out I was right. In early May something happened which came to a head and I demanded to see his phone. Eventually after a huge row about it he gave in and handed it over. He'd deleted Messenger and Whatsapp after I'd found the first lot of messages and promised not to reinstall them which was true but I found another messaging app I'd never even heard of, tucked away in an innocuous folder. It only had about a week's worth of messages but they were filthy. Photos, videos of both of them that they'd sent to each other, more explicit than you can imagine. I still feel sick and start shaking to think of it, I'll never get some of those images out of my head.

Funnily enough even he couldn't deny it any longer in the face of that and again I'm not proud to say I begged him to give her up, I sobbed and pleaded and promised him things I'm embarrassed and furious with myself to recall. But he didn't, he left and for the past two and a half months he's been living with her in her shagger's paradise flat, and last week he told me she's pregnant. Pregnant with the baby I always wanted, DD's an only because DH never wanted more children. He was shame faced telling me but it was like there was a big beam of pride and pleasure waiting to break through underneath and he let slip far more than I wanted to know which leaves me in no doubt it's a planned and wanted baby. I knew she wanted children because that's why she broke up with her ex-H and she's in her 30st, but my DH supposedly didn't want any more. When what he really meant was he didn't want any more with me.

How do I cope with the pain, and the anger? I know it's a cliche, and I know I should probably have got angry sooner, but it's like a wave crashes over me and I'm just raging, I want to break stuff and punch him and then next minute I'm breathless with pain all over again. I have to try and hold it all together for DD but not bad-mouthing him is literally the hardest thing I've ever done when I'm in the grip of this pure burning rage. I feel like a boat being tossed from one emotion to the other and I don't know if or how I'm ever going to feel normal again. It's like hes stolen the other child I shoudl have had and given it to HER instead. And I know I shouldn't torture myself but I ca't get the image of them having unprotected sex together out of my head, hoping to conceive and all the business with the pregnancy test, all happy and laughing together and I didn't have any of that, DD was unplanned and it was all a shock and oh shit and wondering briefly if I should have a termination and much as he truly loves DD now, he wouldn't have been heartbroken if I had done and now he's doing the happy expectant father stuff with another woman.

And how the hell do I tell my lovely, bright, special, warm hearted, gentle 10yo DD that the Dad she worships is never coming home because he's having a baby, her half-sister with another woman??

Oh OP I am so so sorry. Your pain is palpable through the screen.
You did not deserve this. Noone deserves this.
You will get through it but it will take time.
Tie down the finances - good luck with the job interview next week - do not tell ex if you get it, he'll use it as an excuse to pay less.
Do not slag off your ex to your daughter but do not paint it as anything different to what it is, namely 'I am sorry to tell you this but your Dad and I are going to get divorced. He left me for another woman. They are going to have a baby.' You can reassure her he is still her Dad and if you are strong enough, that she will make a lovely big sister but nothing else as you cannot promise it. Just be there for her. When she meets the new woman and her new sibling eventually, do not torture yourself asking for details. You are far far better than that.
I take it you are still in the family home and he is still covering bills and mortgage? Lawyer up. I hope you know his finances inside out. Even if you get your job next week you need a decent settlement and not the stress of not knowing whether you can meet all bills at the end of the month.
Do not hesitate to use Child Maintenance Service if you need to.
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Start dealing with all contact via e-mail so you do not have to speak to him in person and so that you have a paper trail. Keep them all in a subfolder.
Facilitate your daughter's access in their home so that you have weekends yourself to do things for you, so that your daughter is not caught in the middle, so that she can be involved with her future sibling and furthermore so that your ex has to step up and cannot play happy families each weekend with his new family.
Keep to this arrangement especially when baby is there unless daughter is unhappy- Revenge is a dish served cold and new shiny baby or not the sleep deprivation, lack of blow jobs and general drudge will fuck up their honeymoon period. Even if it doesn't do not give them any more headspace. You are the better person.
Wishing you all the best in the challenging months ahead. Be gentle with yourself love

Sorry what’s BBJE? it’s been mentioned a lot and I’ve no idea what it stands for

Apparently, from the OP's earlier threads, I have learned that BBJE means Best Blow Job Ever. I know, Battytwatty, some of us have led sheltered lives. I've never managed to blow a bubblegum bubble, let alone a party balloon.

I don't remember your other thread but I get the jist.

As far as your emotions, right now it IS like being on a boat. Or rather, a white-water raft on a raging river. You can't really steer that raft, all you can do is paddle like hell to avoid the rocks. But remember that eventually you'll get past the rapids and the river will revert to it's calm even flow. Just hang on and paddle.

He should tell DD, but I think you should be present when he does. It should be you, him, and DD in a calm, quiet space.

And YYYYY to seeing a solicitor ASAP!! You simply cannot rely on him to be decent. That way lies disaster There are too many outside factors involved. No one really understands the cost of a baby so OW saying she'll be fine is unrealistic. She's probably going to want 'the best' for her baby (who doesn't) and the best is expensive. Do you really think she's going to be content with 'lesser' so your STBX can 'give you his money'. So, toughen up. Get 'untrusting'. You are doing it for your DD, not for yourself.

So sorry OP. There is this horrible saying 'women can fake an orgasm, but men can fake an entire relationship'.

I don't know why they can be so utilitarian.

So so sorry you're going through this.

I absolutely feel your pain on the baby thing, I couldn't have any more after dd ex and wife 2 have had 5 more and she got pregnant with first while we were still married & very much together - though he went to great lengths to deny this.

It hurts like hell!

But it won't always hurt as much as it does now.

People saying "they'll never last" are trying to be nice but it's actually not helpful as it may last.

I had many a revenge plan fantasised but I'm so glad I didn't follow through, in the end Karma got em!

They're still together but I have it on good authority they're BOTH utterly miserable. He's cheated on her repeatedly, she feels trapped financially/emotionally after seeing how he's treated dd and I.

I finally got an admission of guilt and the opportunity to drop him right in it the night before THEIR wedding when he tried to crack on to me! I later learned he spent the day (and some time after) shitting himself in case I showed/told her rathe than being able to fully enjoy it - shame eh

Get angry, express that anger safely (plate smashing, pillow thumping, boxing classes...)

I'm afraid to say you also need to be prepared for the possibility his promises Re "nothing will change" to turn out to be empty ones once the baby is born. If not financially then in terms of how much time he spends with dd, how much effort he makes with that relationship.

For my dd by the time baby 4 was announced her immediate reaction was to throw up and then meltdown because she barely saw him as it was.

These days she's lucky to get an afterthought late birthday card! And that's his only acknowledgement of her all year.

I hope that doesn't happen with your dd but prepare for the worst...

You can and will get through this and the upside is you and dd will be a strong team and have an amazing relationship "two of us against the world"

Please see a solicitor ASAP! Do not get a job until you have had financial advise.

As for telling DD, I think he should with you there to ease any upset from your daughter but the words should come from him!!! This is his doing

What pieces of shit they both are. So sorry for you OP.

It won't feel like this now, but this is the line that will help you move on. Good luck with the job hunting, this is the start of a new era.

Please, don't spend time or energy thinking about how it'll go wrong for him. The best revenge is a life lived better than he could imagine and be the greatest role model for your child.

And do seek advice, get a fair deal, make sure it is binding. But don't waste your life trying to screw him.

Those two shits are welcome to each other.

For you, this is the kind of situation that Destiny's Child songs were written for.

I like the suggestion of pp to be functional about this for now. This relationship has served its purpose and now you have your wonderful daughter. You have the moral high ground, you're going to get a hotshot lawyer, get all this sorted out and put behind you, and continue to be a brilliant role model for your daughter, I have no doubt. It is horrifically painful but life begins for you here.

He’s a MASSIVE WANKING COCK NOSTRIL.

This time next year the glow will have rotten, they’ll be sexless knackered and miserable. I give it 2-3 years max. You will recover long before. You have your girl. You’re a team.

On a logistical note, please don’t get a job before you divorce, it will affect your settlement. Get straight onto a solicitor. Email a few and see what you think.

Keep going. It gets better, I promise.

He’s a MASSIVE WANKING COCK NOSTRIL

😂

Yep get the divorce settled quickly whilst he is still
Feeling guilty and wants to see you and DD financially looked after.

This is so awful so sorry OP

Thank you everyone. powershower I blubbed proper snotty tears at that, it’s wonderful. Every time DD and I have an ice cream together I’ll think of it.

Massive wanking cock nostril is my new favourite phrase in the world.

I’m not holding out massive hope for the job anyway, I’ve been out of the jobs market for so long. It’s only a temporary thing, admin assistant office job for six months and I’ve only got an interview because a sort of friend put my name forward and because it’s temporary it’s a less formal process apparently. If they want a bright young thing who’s whizzy with the latest technology I’ve got no chance. I understand what you’re all saying about the impact on a settlement but I’m desperate to get some workplace experience again. I’m kicking myself for just letting myself drift on in my comfy SAHM life, and yet at the same time I just want to be back there and not have to worry about what’s going to happen. I know that’s pathetic but tonight I just feel sad and empty and flat and I miss him all over again. I know it’s stupid but I feel like I’ve lost him again if that makes sense, the baby makes it so final.

There is some really good advice here and I’m very grateful for it. I’ll read it properly tomorrow when hopefully I’m less tired and more able to take it in. That’s another thing, how exhausting this all is, like plodding through lumpy porridge.

Good luck with the interview. The first one after being off work is a bit scary but you will be fine.

I feel such empathy for you. You have been through an emotional battering for at least 18 months. You did the best you could. You confronted, drew a line, and insisted that he cut contact. He agreed, but he was lying. The shame is his. He treated you and DD with contempt.

I think that he should tell DD, with you there. He needs to say the words to her. I wouldn’t allow him to shirk this responsibility. He must witness her hurt. She will need both of you there to support her.

I would take control and start the divorce. Try to find a skilled therapist for support as you move through the stages of grief and plan your future. DD may need to see a children’s counselor. Exercise and walk. Volunteer. Take a class. Build a beautiful and meaningful life with your lovely daughter. Time will pass and the pain will lessen.

I hope you get the job.

I would make him tell her about the baby, but with you in the room, or at least within hearing distance, so he can't bullshit her with some sort of fairytale version.

You sound stronger than you think. He's a loser! I initially agreed with making him tell DD, but having RTFT I agree for her sake it is better coming from you. He may fairytale it all and try to make her excited about a sibling. When actually the important thing is that DD knows she has parents that both love her.

I agree with investing in counselling for you. Also best of luck for your interview

OP, you sound like a strong woman.
You will get through this.

Find a recommended counselor.
Don't protect him from gossip, shame him with the details of what he's done.
Definitely seek legal advice.
Get financials sorted asap.
Ex needs to explain to DD with you in the room. Let him squirm.

I believe OW has used your husband as a sperm bank.
Let's see how long it lasts.
I doubt it will.

He is odious.

I believe you will look back on this time as a catalyst for great positive changes in your life.

You will survive this.

OP, I have no advice (maybe other than put your anger into divorcing him and getting the best settlement you can), but this is heartbreaking and I am so sorry this man has treated you so badly.

And if he comes crawling back at some point, don't be tempted to let him back into your life.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I remember your previous post.

It is the most painful, gut wrenching situation to be in. I was in a similar situation 7 years ago and thought I would never see a way out of the pain and hurt. But you do. And often it’s not until you are out of a situation you can see how bad it was when you were in it.

My ex had a long affair, no baby involved but I understand a lot of how you are feeling and I promise you it will get better. Not quickly, but it will.

I would advise pinning him down re finances and maintenance whilst he’s still in the guilty phase. I did this with my ex and arranged a decent child maintenance amount.

Ignore advice not to get a job - it won’t affect any settlement and will benefit you financially, emotionally and socially.

Let him tell your DD with you present - if he won’t do that then you tell her. She doesn’t need details yet, but she also doesn’t need solely his version of events which will no doubt be sugar coated and manipulated.

Be strong and be kind to yourself. This isn’t your fault.

I'm so sorry. One thing I would say is that he will try and re-write the narrative of your relationship. It happened to my sister when her partner got caught - she was crazy, he was scared to leave her, completely twisted the situation to mutual friends etc. Please don't allow him to convince you that his version is the truth. He might believe it sincerely to justify his own behaviour, but you don't have to accept it.

This "one who got away" will never live up to the fantasy he created in her absence. Reality will bite. Would also recommend counselling - I found it very helpful for moving on when I got 'stuck' in one way of thinking about the past. Lots of love and hope for a very happy future for you and your dd. You will rise again like a phoenix

Oh, OP. My heart goes out to you. You've had some brilliant advice on here from women who have been there and done it.

You may not have another child, but you will still have the opportunity to create children of your imagination. Write a book, sculpt some clay, take up photography, go on adventures with your DD. With her turning 10, a whole new world of independence beckons. Getting work will be easier with DD able to make her way to secondary school and you can have nights out whilst she is at her father's. In two years time you and her will be swanning around Europe in glamorous cities and he will be at hot potty-training a screaming toddler.