Everyone who said DH would leave and have a baby with her was right

[Worriedandconfused2]

I posted on here months ago under a different name, about my DH messgaing and flirting with his ex, his 'one that got away'. I got loads of good advice here even though lots of it was painful to read at the time.

I would love to be able to say I was the strong role model for my DD and threw him out after his disrespect, but of course I wasn't. We tried counselling which I didn't find very helpful, the counsellor seemed more interested in exploring why DH didn't feel able to get over his ex so we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards.

Anyway we limped on mostly as if nothing had happened but everything had happened, I felt on edge and sad and sick all the time inside and every time he went away for work, in the city his ex moved to a month or so after Christmas, I pictured them together. And it turns out I was right. In early May something happened which came to a head and I demanded to see his phone. Eventually after a huge row about it he gave in and handed it over. He'd deleted Messenger and Whatsapp after I'd found the first lot of messages and promised not to reinstall them which was true but I found another messaging app I'd never even heard of, tucked away in an innocuous folder. It only had about a week's worth of messages but they were filthy. Photos, videos of both of them that they'd sent to each other, more explicit than you can imagine. I still feel sick and start shaking to think of it, I'll never get some of those images out of my head.

Funnily enough even he couldn't deny it any longer in the face of that and again I'm not proud to say I begged him to give her up, I sobbed and pleaded and promised him things I'm embarrassed and furious with myself to recall. But he didn't, he left and for the past two and a half months he's been living with her in her shagger's paradise flat, and last week he told me she's pregnant. Pregnant with the baby I always wanted, DD's an only because DH never wanted more children. He was shame faced telling me but it was like there was a big beam of pride and pleasure waiting to break through underneath and he let slip far more than I wanted to know which leaves me in no doubt it's a planned and wanted baby. I knew she wanted children because that's why she broke up with her ex-H and she's in her 30st, but my DH supposedly didn't want any more. When what he really meant was he didn't want any more with me.

How do I cope with the pain, and the anger? I know it's a cliche, and I know I should probably have got angry sooner, but it's like a wave crashes over me and I'm just raging, I want to break stuff and punch him and then next minute I'm breathless with pain all over again. I have to try and hold it all together for DD but not bad-mouthing him is literally the hardest thing I've ever done when I'm in the grip of this pure burning rage. I feel like a boat being tossed from one emotion to the other and I don't know if or how I'm ever going to feel normal again. It's like hes stolen the other child I shoudl have had and given it to HER instead. And I know I shouldn't torture myself but I ca't get the image of them having unprotected sex together out of my head, hoping to conceive and all the business with the pregnancy test, all happy and laughing together and I didn't have any of that, DD was unplanned and it was all a shock and oh shit and wondering briefly if I should have a termination and much as he truly loves DD now, he wouldn't have been heartbroken if I had done and now he's doing the happy expectant father stuff with another woman.

And how the hell do I tell my lovely, bright, special, warm hearted, gentle 10yo DD that the Dad she worships is never coming home because he's having a baby, her half-sister with another woman??

Can you get the money stuff sorted legally? There is another thread which is heartbreaking where the wife said she knew her husband wouldn't see his kids go without. Just read how he's not paid this months maintenance, he also has a baby with the OW.

Please get counselling.
I could be reading this about my friend 20 years ago.
She has spent a lifetime on anti depressants, panic attacks and anxiety. It has affected her children’s life in the way she has brought them up.
It came to a head recently she became a grandparent and he has been dragged back into her life.
Talk about it now and try to work through it, don’t let it affect your future.

I remember your thread, I'm so sorry your fears turned out to be right. They're both utter arseholes and I'd say their fantasy romance will be over in months once the baby arrives. Absolutely make him tell your daughter, he needs to own what he's done.

I’m so sorry OP. That is the ultimate betrayal and I don’t think I’d ever be able to get over it. I would probably find a way to get my revenge. Even if it took years I’d have to find a way to cause him pain. I would not rise above it. The man is a cunt.

I'm with the others
He made his bed and should take responsibility for it starting with your dd

Baby with other woman within a few months of leaving dad of the year or what!!

Odious twat

Please dont be so hard on yourself. Unfortunately every woman has a story of not dumping someone soon enough.

You're free how. Get him to tell the DD. Get finances in check. Go on a trip just you and DD and feic him !

Someone worth your time and love will come along when you least expect it

I was feeling quite sorry for you and thinking he was a prick till I read about the circumstances of your DDs gestation and birth, why she is an only and him not even having the fucking decency to hide the new super proud daddy to be smug from you

Bastard. Bastard bastard fucking bastarding BAAAASTARD. I want to scream in his face till I'm hoarse and I don't even know him.

Here's a little curse for him: every time he applies a fresh nappy to the new baby, may it wait till he has arranged its clothes and settled it in the carseat or wherever, and then do a massive loud unignorable shit. Every time. Also, if he is in a hurry or feeling particularly tired, may the poo squidge up and out of the back of the nappy necessitating a clean babygro. May his angel-shag be in the shower or out of the house when this happens to him.

A little blessing for you and DD: may the sun always shine and your favourite flavour of ice cream always be available on your days out together. May the chicks hatch and the puppies and lambs be born while you and DD are visiting anywhere with animals. May you get the last free tickets to events and may the famous people your daughter adores happen to be on holidays and walk into the same cafe as you. May the robin land on your daughter's hand.

A blessing for ex and OW's baby: may it miraculously not grow up to be like its parents

I should have thought up a curse for the OW but I couldn't be arsed spending the thought processes on her.

Good luck with the job interview OP xx

OP I strongly advise you get yourself a solicitor and get the best possible financial settlement for you and your daughter.

I can guarantee your ex will back peddle on his financial generosity once the new baby arrives.

Don’t get caught out on this.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but him pissing off is the best that could happen. As you could have ended up staying with this awful man for life.
As it is now, they will both be enjoying the joyful haze of having a new baby and relationship, until reality hits.
I would get my financials tied up while he’s still playing ball, maybe call CMS and get it taken straight from his pay as this slippery fucker sounds like he’d shaft you for fun.
And also start arranging him having days with your DD. You will need to focus on setting up a new life for yourself, and child free time will help that.

Bad mouth him all you want, take him to the cleaners. What a utter c**t.

Im going to echo others. Get maintenance locked down legally now. His good mood will not last.
As SAHP you should also go for some kind of alimony and pension contributions as you have contributed to his career by stating st home.

Do not rely on his word or ongoing generosity. He has shown he isn’t worthy.

It’s up to him to tell her not you. I personally wouldn’t say a word and leave it to him.

What a fucking arsehole your ex is, OP.

for you. and for you.

I agree about lawyering up now. You can do it sweetly, with a smile, "so that everyone knows where they stand".

He's a bastard. And a fool. You, on the other hand, sound like you're worth 10 of him. Your OP is amazingly articulate and insightful, considering the appalling time he's put you through. I know you're riding a rollercoaster of intense, awful emotions at the moment, but I think you're going to be just fine.

I would bet money that once she has the baby she wants, she'll leave him high and dry and begging you to take him back. How satisfying it will be to tell him to fuck off.

I second pp who think he should take responsibility for explaining all this to your DD.

powershower what a lovely blessing!

Agree with all the comments here, especially that they are both the absoulute f**king scum of the earth.

That it would be good to get a solicitor

Good to see a counsellor

Better he tells DD what's happened (and you're there when he says it)

And honestly, it's HIS LOSS.

Never, ever, let him worm his way back in.

And very good luck for your job interview :)

Ahh love, I remember you and I’m so sorry. What vile, sorry excuse for humans they both turned out to be. The honeymoon period will soon die a very abrupt death, if it hasn’t already now that she’s pregnant. The mundane will set in and the rose tinted glasses will soon slip. What a stupid old fool your H is.

Good luck for the interview next week, I hope you smash it

So sorry OP

Get the ball rolling on maintenance and divorce asap. His mood will change toward that.

The OW is not going to be happy to be the sole provider for their baby while he provides for you - and she will see it as for you and not DD.

My ex was exactly the same. Full of how our girls would want for nothing, how they'd always be his number 1 priority yadda yadda. It lasted 3 months before he found reasons to stop paying. I had to speak to the welfare officer for his unit in the end and only the shame of his bosses got him paying again.

His (now ex) wife was all Ms Independent when they first met, but very quickly wanted things split to the penny - what my girls got her boy(s) had to get. Even down to the fact he had to split his previously agreed school uniform budget contribution between three when their first child was born - even though he was a baby!!

Don't assume he'll do what is right by your DD. He's already shown he can't be trusted.

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. You have every right to be angry, you have every right to hate him.

I was left suddenly and without explanation by a man I loved wholly and who I had been in love with since I was a kid. After a decade I was binned and that was that. We had scant contact after that and any we did have was with the woman he chose over me. So, so painful and terrible.

I didn’t have his kids and I’m grateful for that but the pain- oh God the pain. I would say that I continued to be in devestating, daily pain for at least a year. I became very depressed. But therapy really helped me, so my advice to you would be to get some and fast.

I met my now DH five years later and he restored my faith in love. You will love again. I know that seems impossible now, but you will. Who’s to say you won’t have another baby in the future too.

Your husband is an absolute callous bastard, but it won’t be sunshine and rainbows forever in their house. The reality of having a new baby, with a child from a previous relationship and the fact you’re going to take him to the cleaners (you are right- every penny you can?) will mean he’s got less money and that will all conspire to make it hard for them.

Therapy. Now. Go. If you’ve got any savings dip into them to help with paying for it, it’s essential.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but him pissing off is the best that could happen

I agree with this. When my ex left me and DD for OW, I was on the floor with pain and grief, swore I'd never be with another man ever in my life etc. Only 1 year later, out of the blue I met DP, been together 8 years now and he is the best thing that could have happened to us. Ex on the other hand, split with the OW and she wiped out his bank account, she got thousands out of him.

Make yourself a little mantra, "This time next year I will be free and happy" Keep repeating it silently to yourself whenever you feel that you are drowning.

If it helps this time next year he won`t be getting sex of any kind....

OP, do you think it's going to be plain sailing for him now... nope!, sleepless nights, shitty nappies, he will probably cheat on her in a few years time. You want to think yourself lucky, get yourself out and try and enjoy life, the next person you meet might treat you with the respect you deserve! Good Luck OP.

Why does every thread on here always advise counselling? That's not going to help here and now, NHS waiting lists take forever going private need deep pockets

OP we've all been there, trying to cling onto a fantasy hoping we never deal with reality, its painful and in time you'll realise he wasnt meant for you but will make you stronger for when the right one comes along

You have a wonderful gift from this marriage being you DD, look for the positives in every situation and cherish her even more so now. You will get through this

Mermaids Relate does online counselling at a very reasonable cost and iirc there's minimal waiting time.

Oh gosh, OP, I could cry for you. 😪 I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a pig he is!

Did he move straight onto you after he broke up with his ex many years ago? If so, you're well rid of people like him! My ex was the same, too busy moving onto the next woman to even process a break up and therefore still harboured feelings towards his ex (good and bad), and has now done the same to me. It's shit. And I know it doesn't feel like it, but you might've had a lucky escape. It's your daughter I feel sorry for.