Everyone who said DH would leave and have a baby with her was right

[Worriedandconfused2]

I posted on here months ago under a different name, about my DH messgaing and flirting with his ex, his 'one that got away'. I got loads of good advice here even though lots of it was painful to read at the time.

I would love to be able to say I was the strong role model for my DD and threw him out after his disrespect, but of course I wasn't. We tried counselling which I didn't find very helpful, the counsellor seemed more interested in exploring why DH didn't feel able to get over his ex so we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards.

Anyway we limped on mostly as if nothing had happened but everything had happened, I felt on edge and sad and sick all the time inside and every time he went away for work, in the city his ex moved to a month or so after Christmas, I pictured them together. And it turns out I was right. In early May something happened which came to a head and I demanded to see his phone. Eventually after a huge row about it he gave in and handed it over. He'd deleted Messenger and Whatsapp after I'd found the first lot of messages and promised not to reinstall them which was true but I found another messaging app I'd never even heard of, tucked away in an innocuous folder. It only had about a week's worth of messages but they were filthy. Photos, videos of both of them that they'd sent to each other, more explicit than you can imagine. I still feel sick and start shaking to think of it, I'll never get some of those images out of my head.

Funnily enough even he couldn't deny it any longer in the face of that and again I'm not proud to say I begged him to give her up, I sobbed and pleaded and promised him things I'm embarrassed and furious with myself to recall. But he didn't, he left and for the past two and a half months he's been living with her in her shagger's paradise flat, and last week he told me she's pregnant. Pregnant with the baby I always wanted, DD's an only because DH never wanted more children. He was shame faced telling me but it was like there was a big beam of pride and pleasure waiting to break through underneath and he let slip far more than I wanted to know which leaves me in no doubt it's a planned and wanted baby. I knew she wanted children because that's why she broke up with her ex-H and she's in her 30st, but my DH supposedly didn't want any more. When what he really meant was he didn't want any more with me.

How do I cope with the pain, and the anger? I know it's a cliche, and I know I should probably have got angry sooner, but it's like a wave crashes over me and I'm just raging, I want to break stuff and punch him and then next minute I'm breathless with pain all over again. I have to try and hold it all together for DD but not bad-mouthing him is literally the hardest thing I've ever done when I'm in the grip of this pure burning rage. I feel like a boat being tossed from one emotion to the other and I don't know if or how I'm ever going to feel normal again. It's like hes stolen the other child I shoudl have had and given it to HER instead. And I know I shouldn't torture myself but I ca't get the image of them having unprotected sex together out of my head, hoping to conceive and all the business with the pregnancy test, all happy and laughing together and I didn't have any of that, DD was unplanned and it was all a shock and oh shit and wondering briefly if I should have a termination and much as he truly loves DD now, he wouldn't have been heartbroken if I had done and now he's doing the happy expectant father stuff with another woman.

And how the hell do I tell my lovely, bright, special, warm hearted, gentle 10yo DD that the Dad she worships is never coming home because he's having a baby, her half-sister with another woman??

It won't be much of a shagpad with a baby who screams all night and a constant smell of poo.

I’m sorry OP. I remember your last thread.

You deserve so much better, you will in time find someone who truly loves you.

Be kind to yourself.

Are you sure this baby wasn't conceived before you found the new messages?? How many weeks does he say she is?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with everyone that’s said to go to a councillor, it helped me so much. However I think you need to leave it for a little while. All these emotions you are feeling are absolutely normal, it’s unfortunately a bit like grieving for a loved one and you go through every emotion going.
Be kind to yourself and confide in a friend family can sometimes be too close to help you sort things out in your head.
Now as for him and her, they were ex’s for a reason and the pressure of a baby. Just wait for the karma train because it’ll come!

that the know the sex of the baby.

Sorry, that was me getting confused, I meant to say that DD is going to be a half-sister to this baby not that they know it;s a girl.

The heartless arsehole, I hope it rots and drops off.

alligatorsmile that actually made me laugh which qualifies as a miracle these days. I like the idea of smashing china.

I think I will end up telling DD myself because I think what a PP said about him trying to ram HER down DD's throat as this perfect wonderful angel is exactly what would happen. And I know it sounds pathetic and petty but I know he's just dying to introduce HER to DD and if I tell her myself I control it, I can keep him squirming and enforce his silence about it with DD for at least a few more days which I'm sure will kill him. Childish I know but I don't care.

I'm sorry so many more of you have gone through similar.

Ah love, I remember your original thread. Don’t beat yourself up for not following the advice to the letter, you have come a long way and you can only do so much.

I very much feel like the wheels are about to come off for your ex. Nothing puts a Grenade in the honeymoon period like a new baby! That however is irrelevant, HE is irrelevant. You and your lovely DC is your priority and focus, he has shown himself not worthy to be with you. YOU deserve better. He might of started this course of action, but you will get through it stronger and more kick ass before. We are all rooting for you

said she can afford to have this baby without taking anything from DD blah blah she's so perfect and understanding I could just vomit
Hahaha.
That will change when she realises he's not supporting her as much as he is you.
Trust me - this WILL change!!!!!
Once the baby is here and she has her claws in, it will all be about what he needs to provide for the baby so that will also be about what he CAN'T afford to give you and DD.

And he can tell DD.
You can't find the right words either.
The only words you really to say are 'Your DDad is a lying, cheating, scumbag and he's got another woman pregnant and I hope he gets dick rot and it falls off'
Well you can't say that to a 10 YO.
So he will have to do it.
Make sure you are there so he doesn't lie.
My ExH wanted to tell our DD that we has just fallen out of love.
Errrr.... Nope! That is not true. Do not tell her that.
She knew pretty quickly what he had been up to anyway at the age of 11 so make sure he doesn't lie to your DD.
They are far smarter than we think they are.

I can see why you want to tell her, but have him there and watch him squirm.

She's settling for him and they cheated into it.
With instant baby.
That'll end well. 🤣

She'll be miserable because she feels like she settled to have a baby (👸🐸), and he'll be miserable because his Great Love thinks he's a bit Pants.

One of them will cheat first and explode it.

Stand well clear.

I remember your first thread too I’m so sorry this has happened.

Just a heads up, he won’t be being reasonable about money soon. She may decide she doesn’t want to work as much etc so he will be providing for two children. If I were you I’d get to a layer and get your financial settlement locked down before reality kicks in for him.

My ex did exactly that, went on and quickly married another woman and had another baby with her when he wouldn't with me but also did the best to rub it in my face.

The hurt and rage do ease over time.

I've had the last laugh because they are now acrimoniously divorced (the relationship lasted 4 years) and fighting over access to the child. He got stupidly drunk when they split up and fell and badly broke his leg, they are fighting over custody and the OW will now have years of the type of bullshit I had from him.

I know it's not nice to gloat at another's misfortune but sometimes Karma is wonderful.

Let yourself be angry, let yourself grieve what you have lost but keep your eyes firmly on the future.

I’m sorry. What a horrible situation. No wonder you are furious and so upset.

I would hazard a bet that she will soon be feeling under a lot of pressure to stop him from losing interest in her and start an affair with somebody else, and he will have that affair or those affairs regardless.

Your DD will know and understand far more than you have given her credit for. She will also never have her father on a pedestal the one a child should be able to. That’s all his doing and his fault. At the same time, she will grow up with a lot of respect for you.

DD has just come crashing in from a day out with her friend and is staaaaaaaarving, when are they ever not, so I'm disappearing for a bit but thank you all for your support.

I am so genuinely sorry OP.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it will get better - I promise.

"And to be fair to DH he has been paying at least his fair share and said last week that this won't change anything finacially because he doesn't want DD to go without"

Get this nailed down legally while hes still feeling all lovely and generous and like dad of the year. Once shes off on maternity and the cash isnt rolling in like it was, the reality of supporting two families will start biting and he'll cut down whatever you're getting as much as he can.

The BBJE thread was one of the most jaw-dropping things I'd read on here, because of how very public it was.

At some point - probably not yet - you'll see that she hasn't won anything worth having. He's a liar and a cheat. She's his mistress, who is now having his child, and will have to live with the fears that he'll decide that he fancies woman #3. But they're both irrelevant, largely. What comes to them will be of their own making.

You are so much better off without him. Good luck for the job interview

He'd said he wanted me to tell DD because I'd 'find the right words'

It doesn't matter if you agreed this. You can say - actually this is a job you need to do. She needs to hear it from you.

And don't budge.

Sooner or later the gloss will wear off your exes new relationship, when they arent getting enough sleep, having to do night feeds, the new partner wont be paying your ex as much attention because of the baby, he won't be number one any more. They wont have time to carry on like they are now. Common sense says that having a new baby so early in relationship isn't a good idea, sooner or later the cracks will appear & things will fall apart. You need to be kind to yourself & your daughter, you are better off without him, rebuild your life to suit the both of you, you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. One day he will realise he has made a massive mistake & that the grass isn't greener, he will probably turn up begging to try again. When that day arrives, turn him straight round & send him back where he came from, he made his choice, let him live with it.

You don't need to tell DD anything, this is his shit storm so it's for him to deal with.

I'd text him back and tell "Now you have time to think about that this is nothing to do with you. And this is his shit storm, so he now needs to grow up and tell his DD that he is having another child with some one else."

The only thing you need to do is to support your DD through her emotions over this.

And for the love of god don't take him back him back when the reality of sleepless nights and shitty nappies get to much for him.

I am so furious on your behalf, OP, but that doesn't help you, I'm sorry. Unlike others, I think it will probably last with "the one that got away". I have bitter experience to prove it. It will take time, but you will move on eventually and I hope you will find happiness with someone else, who would love to have another child with you.
Good luck with your job interview.

He'd said he wanted me to tell DD because I'd 'find the right words' but I'm still such a mug, he's just being a coward isnt he?

Yes he is. Tell him no, you won't tell her and he has to do it. Make sure you are there when he does so he doesn't make it your fault.

What's BBJE?

Oh OP I'm so sorry :(

I've been there when it comes to seeing / reading something like the BBJE comment when it stays etched into your brain for what feels like forever.

After everything I've been through i felt stupid that I had one of these unforgettable horrible lines that I just couldn't get past and would worm it's way into my brain every night.

I ended up having therapy that was initially focused on me desensitising the specific comment I couldn't get past and it took a while but actually helped me move past the situation as a whole.

Something to think about for the future, I know it's all too new now.

Be kind to yourself, you're doing a great job with DD and being selfless to manage the situation with her as your priority.

Sending you so much love I'm sorry OP you don't deserve this

OP, you need to tell your DD yourself. He is the one that behaved badly but this is not DD’s fault. It is better for her to hear the news from a caring mum than a selfish bastard who only thinks about himself.

Be kind to yourself, and accept all the help that comes your way. Those who offer it will walk with you through this

This is truly awful. Can you go back to the counselling yourself to get advice about how best to support your DD?

With the job interview do as much preparation as you can, and ask a friend come round and help you by asking the questions you're likely to be asked.