Everyone who said DH would leave and have a baby with her was right

[Worriedandconfused2]

I posted on here months ago under a different name, about my DH messgaing and flirting with his ex, his 'one that got away'. I got loads of good advice here even though lots of it was painful to read at the time.

I would love to be able to say I was the strong role model for my DD and threw him out after his disrespect, but of course I wasn't. We tried counselling which I didn't find very helpful, the counsellor seemed more interested in exploring why DH didn't feel able to get over his ex so we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards.

Anyway we limped on mostly as if nothing had happened but everything had happened, I felt on edge and sad and sick all the time inside and every time he went away for work, in the city his ex moved to a month or so after Christmas, I pictured them together. And it turns out I was right. In early May something happened which came to a head and I demanded to see his phone. Eventually after a huge row about it he gave in and handed it over. He'd deleted Messenger and Whatsapp after I'd found the first lot of messages and promised not to reinstall them which was true but I found another messaging app I'd never even heard of, tucked away in an innocuous folder. It only had about a week's worth of messages but they were filthy. Photos, videos of both of them that they'd sent to each other, more explicit than you can imagine. I still feel sick and start shaking to think of it, I'll never get some of those images out of my head.

Funnily enough even he couldn't deny it any longer in the face of that and again I'm not proud to say I begged him to give her up, I sobbed and pleaded and promised him things I'm embarrassed and furious with myself to recall. But he didn't, he left and for the past two and a half months he's been living with her in her shagger's paradise flat, and last week he told me she's pregnant. Pregnant with the baby I always wanted, DD's an only because DH never wanted more children. He was shame faced telling me but it was like there was a big beam of pride and pleasure waiting to break through underneath and he let slip far more than I wanted to know which leaves me in no doubt it's a planned and wanted baby. I knew she wanted children because that's why she broke up with her ex-H and she's in her 30st, but my DH supposedly didn't want any more. When what he really meant was he didn't want any more with me.

How do I cope with the pain, and the anger? I know it's a cliche, and I know I should probably have got angry sooner, but it's like a wave crashes over me and I'm just raging, I want to break stuff and punch him and then next minute I'm breathless with pain all over again. I have to try and hold it all together for DD but not bad-mouthing him is literally the hardest thing I've ever done when I'm in the grip of this pure burning rage. I feel like a boat being tossed from one emotion to the other and I don't know if or how I'm ever going to feel normal again. It's like hes stolen the other child I shoudl have had and given it to HER instead. And I know I shouldn't torture myself but I ca't get the image of them having unprotected sex together out of my head, hoping to conceive and all the business with the pregnancy test, all happy and laughing together and I didn't have any of that, DD was unplanned and it was all a shock and oh shit and wondering briefly if I should have a termination and much as he truly loves DD now, he wouldn't have been heartbroken if I had done and now he's doing the happy expectant father stuff with another woman.

And how the hell do I tell my lovely, bright, special, warm hearted, gentle 10yo DD that the Dad she worships is never coming home because he's having a baby, her half-sister with another woman??

How bloody awful for you, so sorry he's done this.

About telling your DD - please don't both do it together! From my own experience of having it done this way, it is a hideous situation for a child to be trapped in. The fury and tension and sugar-coating of emotions in the room if you are both there will be palpable, and there will be an atmosphere of dishonesty, hatred, anger sadness etc, and your poor DD should not have to suffer this level of intensity.

Far better she hears the news from the person who most has her wellbeing as a priority, and that is clearly you. Even though it's his job to do it, the very fact he doesn't want to do it means he is likely to make a mess if it. And that will make DD suffer more. You are close to DD, you have bad news to tell her, you will find a way that is appropriate as you want to maintain your closeness - that's what is best for your daughter. From now on, ONLY care about what is best for you and your DD, because he has other priorities clearly.

Wishing you all the strength you need

OP... there's a lot of advice that he should tell DD, so he sees her pain or squirms.

It's not about him. It's about your DD. If she's left in pain, you're the one left to deal with it.

It's not a case of point scoring to make him feel shame. He certainly should feel shame and a whole lot more...but your DD shouldn't be used in this.

I'm not saying to cover for him...or make him sound like dad of the year. I don't believe in lies...like 'we fell out of love with each other'

Age appropriate truth is important.

Hi OP. It might help your confidence when job hunting if you do some sessions on office admin, including the standard eg: PowerPoint, Excel, Word, Outlook/email. I'm unsure what you are interested in but having a good base of these would help in a number of different roles, and can open a path to jobs which will be decently paid, avoid shift work etc.

Check online for local courses near/within easy travel from your home. I'm unsure whether Citizens Advice can provide this info but you could also check your local further education courses - some run by local councils. Check your library for info also. You may be able to get some of this at a discount or even possibly free (I'm not positive about that) depending on your circumstances.

Absolutely NO need to tell your Ex you are doing this - nor your daughter, who may innocently let the cat out of the bag.

Yes, definitely lawyer up ASAP to see what you'd be entitled to. No need to mention to him at this stage that you are taking legal advice. Present him with a fait accompli when YOU are ready.

Has your Ex left any papers in the marital home which could help you identify his salary, financial status etc. which could help at your legal appointments?

Also check with Citizens Advice about what benefits you'd be entitled to and/or check www.entitledto.co.uk.

Do you have access to bank accounts with your Ex? If YOU a personal bank account do change the password and security code ASAP and change your email and SM access and passwords also.

Do you have a joint bank account with him. Is he likely to clear out that account? If so consider moving half the funds to an account only you have access to - maybe speak to your solicitor about that.

what is the position about the marital home? Do you know the financials around it?

Whatever actions you take - strike whilst the iron’s hot and he’s looks to be financially “generous” through guilt no doubt because I agree with PP’s - that’s unlikely to last.

I know I’m firing a lot at you but I find that, often, taking practical steps helps in dealing with negative periods in life.

You will get stronger and get past this!

Good luck to you and DD. 🌹

The ‘shaggers paradise’ will soon come to an end when she’s heavily pregnant or has a newborn baby. The relationship will most likely crumble once the sex and ‘excitement of it being an illicit affair has crumbled and faded away.

You need to let that anger out. Go back to counselling alone, scream into a pillow if you have to, if you have childcare for DD then maybe visit some friends and express the anger to them? You definitely need an outlet.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, they are a pair of absolute bastards.

If I were you I’d get to a lawyer and get your financial settlement locked down before reality kicks in for him.

This is essential - it's a priority. I was with a solicitor within ten days of bouncing the cheating fucker out the door. Taking control of this side of things was massively empowering for me.

I believe OW has used your husband as a sperm bank.
Let's see how long it lasts.

I actually agree with this. If I recall the other thread correctly, it was the OW who ended that relationship originally. As soon as the DH bores her, she'll ditch him again, and probably claim support.

The ‘shaggers paradise’ will soon come to an end when she’s heavily pregnant or has a newborn baby. The relationship will most likely crumble once the sex and ‘excitement of it being an illicit affair has crumbled and faded away.

Agreed. It's not like they've built a solid foundation for a relationship before the baby arrives, and once it does, the dynamic will change and they won't have a solid basis.

OP, I feel your pain, I really do. It's awful and consuming, I know.

What's really helped me in times of such pain, is exercising - no matter how much you don't want to do it - and loving yourself as much as possible. Little things like going for a walk, eating a slice of cake, having a bath etc. Make sure you have me time. Also, a good real life support network will be very helpful. Surround yourself with good friends and relatives who can support you.

It's not going to get better overnight, it will be a gradual process, and it may take some time - and a lot of ups and downs. Cry when you need to cry. Shout when you need to shout. It's a horrible process that you simply have to go through, but you will come out MUCH stronger.

But you will get through it, though, and I promise you will realise that this was all for the best - I know it might not seem like it now, but it will be. Deep down, you won't want to be with a man who isn't that committed to you, and can just f+ck off and leave not only you, but his daughter for another woman. I know this is so painful, but I hope one day you will be glad he is gone. Focus your love and life on your daughter, and moving on.

And a good counsellor/therapist is worth their weight in gold. I've had rubbish ones, but my recent one was exceptional. If you live in London, send me a direct message and I will share her details with you.

Love to you

It's time to stop blaming yourself. It's so hard knowing you begged him to stay etc, etc. Just put that down to you being passionate about protecting your family unit. He chose to break it up, now it's time to be as passionate about protected your real family unit, you and your child. Pick yourself up and truly let it all go. You can't change what happened in the past, so no dwelling on it. Put your effort into yourself. Loving your child will be easy, loving yourself is very hard, but absolutely necessary for your child's sake. Find things and people who lift you up and make you happy. People who appreciate you. Find interests and hobbies and passions. Your child will love life if they see you loving life. He was a mistake. Everyone makes them. They can't be allowed to define us. None of this is because there's anything wrong with you. Once you truly shut the door on your feelings for him, you can move on. Its so hard to do. Its necessary. Get to where if he came back begging to be with you, you, without hesitation, will know you are better off without him.

At least her pregnancy means you have indisputable proof of adultery and can divorce him quickly and nail down the finances while he's still feeling guilty. Find a shit hot lawyer and go for as clean a break as possible so you don't have to rely on him when OW decides he should pay for her to be a SAHM or claims maintenance when she dumps him.

Also I seem to remember from your other thread that you'd always felt second-best compared with his rosy memories of this woman. Don't underestimate how corrosive that will have been for your self esteem over a decade or more. You sound so lovely and thoughtful and you deserve someone who adores you. Give yourself some time to heal and grow and you'll be ready for a much happier relationship. I guess you're mid-30s? Honestly, you're so young!

Worried, how are you today?

I'm so sorry to read all this
I also remember your original post. Please please see a lawyer and get your settlement sorted ASAP.

I'm sorry this happend to you. What an sorry excuse for a man he is! You don't tell you daughter anything - you make him tell her. It was his decision to leave and he needs to deal with the consequences of what he did.

Same thing happened to a friend. He said no more kids to her but a few years on and she's mid 40's and he goes and gets his young mistress pregnant. They split and a couple of years pass, he's in his 50's, stressed trying to work and cope with nappy baby years and my friend is planning a 6 month round the world trip as her child is at Uni now.
Friend looks fabulous, very healthy and fit and really enjoying life. Has a wonderful relationship with her daughter and she's blossomed so much since being in her own.
There is a fabulous future waiting for you OP, you just need to grit your teeth and get through the next few months. You can do this!

Sending so much love.. I don't know you but I'm going through a very similar situation and ... the pain.... excruciating, in fact a new word needs to be made to describe this pain. It's Like I've never known. I hear you. Stay strong x

Go to counseling. Or a psychologist.
Figure it all out. Talk it all out. Have room for all your anger and resentment
And then after your sessions; let it go. Let him go. Be free. Be happy and live.

But make sure that you grief over the loss of him. That you have room to resent him. Have a place for all your hate what he has doe for you.

This takes a while. And this is perfectly fine
Helpful even

Then. Talk to a psych etc. Work out all your resentments and fears and feelings. Then live on. You got a beautiful daugher that needs her mum to (eventually) be happy. Not one that will grow bitter over this.

He found his happiness elsewhere. Which is heartbreaking. But you will find yours again

Also... boxing lessons are a GREAT way to vent your anger/frustration/hurt.. (experience)

Digital hug

Also: this new baby is likely an accident. And their relationship will probably crumble after a bit.

Make sure you have (by then) changed all your locks (from your frontdoor and your heart). Never let him in again .🤗

They have both started a relationship based on cheating, lies, and basically being scummy lying human beings. No relationship with beginnings like that will ever, and can never, be a good one. It's cliched, and it's not going to help you now, but one day in the future when time has helped fade all this pain you'll be in a healthier place and they'll both be stuck in a dysfunctional, untrustworthy, dirty relationship.

I'm sorry this happened to you - they are both immature pathetic assholes! - I pity the new child having 2 parents such as these!. Your husband will soon realise that the grass is always greener normally because it's fertilised with bullshit. A new baby - stretch marks- sleepless nights- breastfeeding - not being available for sex etc will soon highlight to him what a dick head was for leaving you. So pathetic!

I told DD a couple of days ago. I don’t think I did a very good job of keeping my feelings as neutral as I wanted. It’s so hard for her, she’s excited about becoming a big sister (I tried to spin it as a positive for her) but also confused and I think feeling guilty and missing her dad and it’s all shit. She asked why DH and I didn’t just have another baby and I wasn’t prepared for that so I didn’t have a nice safe Mum and Dad still love you type answer ready. Ive noticed there have been a couple of times recently she’s slipped back into into calling me Mummy after a couple of years of just Mum. And then I feel awful because some of the time she’s acting up like a normal bored 10yo on their school holidays and I caught myself snapping at her last night over something trivial and immediately felt like shit.

OP, you are in a very tough, heartbreaking situation.
Cut yourself some slack.
Your DD knows you love her and are trying to do your best.
That's good enough for now.
Mind yourself and judge yourself kindly.

I also agree with the other poster's
I doubt the relationship will last.

Please, try and get the financials nailed down asap.

That must have been so hard to do. I hope your coward of an ex is grateful and that he and his retread can belatedly muster some kindness and sensitivity for you and your daughter. At least you can direct any further questions about this mess to him now.
And good luck with your interview.

This may sound stupid but in some ways I hope this thing with his ex does last. If he had to drop a bomb into me and DD's life, it had better have been for something meaningful. I think it would actually make me feel worse if they break up or he cheats on her or something like that. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I want nothing more than to see them both suffer and I've had to fight the urge to buy prawns to hide in his car but since my life as I know it is ruined now anyway, it had better not have been for a whim or a fling or a mistake.

Thanks you Schnitzel, I'm not getting my hopes up for Friday but at least it's a first step to getting back into work. One of the very few good things that has come out of this is that I've become friendlier with the mum of one of DD's friends who it turns out has been through similar, although without the other pregnancy. I've always struggled to make friends, I'm not really an outgoing person but anyway she's being a great support and she does a lot of recruitment in her job so she's been giving me some tips and coaching.

When I found out my partner had been having an affair for some years I dreaded us breaking up and him ending up with her. We did break up but he ended the affair with her as well. However, 3 years on I really wish they had have got together, why? because it would have been all wrong - both of them for dysfunctional reasons.

And that is what your ex has done. The therapist was right to try and focus on why he had become fixated on the ex, unfortunately I suspect there was too much work to do and not enough self - insight on his part.

Sounds to me like she is the one pulling the strings. Give it 3 or 4 years and I think she will leave him, having got what she was aching for - the baby. But by then you will have come a long way and not let yourself be defined by these 2 delusional and selfish people. If he was any sort of man he would want to be the one to tell your daughter.