'If he cheats with you, he'll probably cheat on you'

[Brownwool]

-As said by someone on another thread. How much do you think this is true? My cousin pinched someone else's dh. They had a workplace affair & he left his wife & kids for her - she's 10yrs younger than the ex. When my aunt told me about their engagement, she did a kind of tinkly laugh & brushed the ex-wife out of the picture because she herself had come to marriage through an affair. My cousin's been happily married for about 10yrs now. How true do you think it is that he'll likely cheat again?

Usual old MN black and white thinking - Usually trotted out by scorned women to make themselves feel better.

I on;y have my experience to go on here but I met my exh at 16, together 2 years, he cheated on me, we split.

A few years later we met up again, he was engaged to someone but we still had strong feeling for each other and he ended things with her and we got together (I told him I wouldn't do anything while he was with someone else) bu he still left her for me.

We got married a few years later, had a child, were expecting another and I discovered he'd cheated on me on a night out. I wasn't in any place to end things and desperately loved him and our family, he was so sorry, blah blah.

10 years later, I discover he he having a full blown affair at work. This time when he gets home his bags are packed and we are divorcing early next year.

He is still with the (12 years younger) ow 18 months later and I don't envy her one bit. He also can't giver her children as he had the snip after we decided our family was complete.

I guess my point is, he has cheated numerous times, not just with me so I have little to no reason to believe he won't do it again and I certainly wouldn't trust him knowing all this (which of course she won't...as far as sh'es concerned she is special because he chose her over his wife and kids, which eh didn't as I found out and kicked him out).

No one on the history of the world has ever just cheated once. Fact.

Usually trotted out by scorned women to make themselves feel better.

Imagine people who have been cheated on, a) wanting to make themselves feel better (how awful of them) and b) thinking proven cheaters might, umm, cheat.

Usual old MN black and white thinking - Usually trotted out by scorned women to make themselves feel better.

I feel in no way scorned. I am happier single than with someone who thinks so little of me. People who have been cheated on do have experience to speak from though.

Of course not everyone is the same and as I said, I forgave the first 'affair' in our marriage as I honestly thought he would do it again. But he did, even if it was 10 years later. That's MY experience. I also know people who are the product of an affair and are still together. I just couldn't trust someone who could do it with me not to do it to me.

*wouldn't do it again!

Why is everyone on MN so simplistic and judgmental? Life is complicated and there’s a difference between people who regularly are unfaithful and those who leave unhappy relationships. The mantra that ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ is too easy. So many people take the moral high ground.

So many people take the moral high ground.

If you haven’t cheated you’re just on the moral high ground. No taking required.

I know two men who cheated on multiple previous partners but (as far as I know) have not cheated on current partner. If they are being faithful this time, I think the reasons are:

1. Being older, poorer health and probably having reduced sex drive
2. One acknowledged shortly after meeting wife that he couldn't attract easily young pretty women now and would be best to snap up a desirable woman whilst still has the chance
3. Cheating being less socially acceptable amongst their peers now, also more joint couple friends
4. Fewer opportunities to cheat (no longer working away, far fewer boys nights out)
5. One has had a child and I think would feel cheating on wife and child morally v different to cheating on a girlfriend. Another hasn't had a child with new wife and had previously cheated after having baby with previous partners, I think due to being selfish and not wanting the drudgery of family life. With current wife they have sensibly decided against kids and have a very fun relaxed life, lots of travel and fun together.

I wouldn't fancy being married to either of these men though!

You can’t ‘pinch’ someone

I think if you are the type of person to be unfaithful in a relationship once then you definitely have capacity to do it again.

For someone to sneak around with someone else while having children, then moving out and forming a new relationship. Then yes I would think they will probably be open to cheating again.

Even moreover if your original partner thought that they were in a normal happy relationship.

There is a type of person who is open to that type of duplicity.

I think there are levels of betrayal though.

A bf/gf doing the dirt on you is not the same as a partner/spouse doing it in a family setting.

Someone doing that when they are younger and not committed does not mean they are a serial cheater. Not ideal but I wouldn't throw the book at them.

Most of the time history repeats itself.

'The best indication of someone's future behaviour is their past behaviour'

Usually people don't change.

Some people stick with the same behaviour and will cheat over and over no matter who they are with. Some people do change because they have learned their lesson, matured or met the right person.
I think if you really love the person you are with, you won't cheat.

I am not saying it is a guarantee to fail, but if you chose to be with someone who has proven they can't stay faithful, don't complain when you get the same treatment.

I think once a cheater always a cheater and if your cousin knowingly had an affair with a married man that contributed to a marriage breakdown then they both deserve each other and and cheating/consequences that may occur. They've already shown their true colours.

It's easier for people who have been cheated on to believe that all cheaters are morally bankrupt fundamentally bad people who will cheat over and over and never have a meaningful relationship. I get that.

But in my experience it's really not that black and white. There are so many variable factors that lead to someone cheating. I did and I don't even regret it because my awful ex and pushed me to the brink with his neglectful and shitty behaviour towards me. You could argue that I should have ended it first (I did try, he wouldn't leave). But after so long of being mistreated when someone shows you a bit of attention it's very easy to be drawn in. It's human nature.

If you're just doing it for a laugh because you're a bit bored in your relationship then that's a different story.

But does it make me a bad person? No I don't think so. I reacted to the situation I was in. I certainly wouldn't do it now that I'm in a fulfilling and happy relationship where I respect my partner and am treated well.

I don’t think “once a cheater always a cheater”.

I do think that being in a relationship with the person who cheated with you has the potential to bring issues surrounding trust. It doesn’t feel like a solid way to start a relationship.

I’d also be concerned if someone spun me the “oh it happened because I was unhappy” line. I’d be concerned at their ability to communicate in relationships.

I cheated on my ex countless times.

He beat me. He raped me regularly. He emotionally abused me. He controlled me as much as he could. He would follow me to work and meet me after. I would do crazy shit and cheat on him whenever I could. Whenever the police had him in the cells for the weekend or if I had any time to myself.

No. I am not a scum bag. All scumbags is utter twaddle.

How do you know he hasn't already, or isn't now, he just hasn't been caught yet.
I personally have no time for cheaters or people who enter a relationship with a married person. It shows lack of morals, low self respect and definitely no respect for others.

I'd never knowingly get into a relationship with someone I know had cheated because they clearly have no problem doing it, there is no excuse for cheating IMO. I couldn't trust someone if I knew they had a history of cheating as a partner or even a friend. I prefer honest people in my life regarding any kind of relationship.

So maybe be will, maybe he won't, maybe he has or maybe he is, who knows but I certainly wouldn't trust him after that but she sounds like a gem even entering in to such a relationship so I wouldn't trust her either. Maybe she has been secretly off shagging another married person.. Who knows neither of them seem to let marriage get in the way of what they want to do... Sounds like they deserve each other and anything undesirable the future may hold.

Why is everyone on MN so simplistic and judgmental?

We all have our standards... Some are just unbelievably low and some don't want to be around dishonest people that think cheating is ok..

Doesn't matter which category you're in, it's the individual that has to live with it and I'm happy having zero tolerance for those who cheat - for ANY reason. Those with excuses are just that, excuses to justify dishonest and disrespectful behaviour. As adults we all have choices and there's always options to get out of bad situations first. So I don't buy the "but my ex was an ass", "but there was no intimacy", "but I couldn't leave because..." etc... No time for people who are dishonest and then can't even admit they were just come out with excuses... But that's my choice to have those standards that doesn't affect anyone else.

I think there's a difference between cheating (ie a one off) and a full on affair.

Someone who has an affair has been deliberately calculating, deceitful and disrespectful, and has had time to weigh up the pros and cons and still chosen that path.

Someone who cheats as a one off or leaves their partner for someone else could be just as bad, but could just have easily been distraught or desperate in a toxic relationship and made a mess of finding their way out. I think a lot of the time when people say "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you", they are wilfully trying to absolve themselves of any blame for the breakdown in their own relationship. Not that their partner cheating is their fault, but it may have come as a result of their behaviour/attitude/general incompatibility, and there is every chance the person they cheated with is simply better suited to them than their previous partner was and they wouldn't cheat in a more happy relationship.

Ah, she deliberately took a father off his children. Who cares if he has an affair on her?

Ah, she deliberately took a father off his children. Who cares if he has an affair on her

Nobody can “take” an adult from anybody. They’re not a possession. They have their own free will.

I left my ex husband for my now husband. I will never ever cheat again on anyone.
opportunistic cheaters probably will never change.

I’d like to think that people aren’t that predictable but from my wide friend circle , some are friends of friends etc, I have observed that both female and male cheats have done it again and on several other partners.
They seem to hold down relationships well (on the face of it) but it always comes out in the end that George was cheating on 5 year girlfriend / wife / fiancé Nancy for a year with Emma and is now with Emma. 3 years later rinse and repeat. It’s just boils down to a person’s loyalty setting I think.

I too don’t understand why the OW / OM would want to be with someone who has this defect but I surmise that in their own head they must feel that “they have won the prize”. Just imagine actually thinking that... 😂