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Original poster

'If he cheats with you, he'll probably cheat on you'

59 replies

Brownwool · 21/07/2019 17:13

-As said by someone on another thread. How much do you think this is true? My cousin pinched someone else's dh. They had a workplace affair & he left his wife & kids for her - she's 10yrs younger than the ex. When my aunt told me about their engagement, she did a kind of tinkly laugh & brushed the ex-wife out of the picture because she herself had come to marriage through an affair. My cousin's been happily married for about 10yrs now. How true do you think it is that he'll likely cheat again?

OP posts:
MrsElizabethShelby · 21/07/2019 17:15

Depends on too many factors OP. None of which you can answer, only he could.

Why do you care?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 17:19

How true do you think it is that he'll likely cheat again?

After 10 years? He probably has already. Even more likely if he had children with new wife.

Original poster
Brownwool · 21/07/2019 17:23

Why do I care? -I don't tbh, it's just that the other thread got me thinking. I remember feeling sorry for the other woman & kids. Cousin has 3 kids with him.

OP posts:
Paramicha · 21/07/2019 17:24

It's 50/50 they either will or not. Maybe they learn a lesson, maybe they don't.
I think if someone is capable of cheating in a relationship they are generally liars and untrustworthy, in other areas.
I'm always surprised by women who want sloppy seconds off a woman whose dumped him, for whatever reason.
Do second time round wives not have any self confidence, esteem or better standards.

twirlypoo · 21/07/2019 17:30

wow paramicha does that go for any second time wives? Those who have been in a long term relationship before?

Most people have a past - and I wouldn’t touch any one who had cheated on the wife / partner, but that doesn’t mean second wives in any other context have no self esteem or shit standards!

For the record, I’m single so not taking things personally - just shocked by your sweeping statement!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 17:33

Do second time round wives not have any self confidence, esteem or better standards.

Not all second time round wives started as the mistress thanks!

MyNewBearTotoro · 21/07/2019 17:35

Obviously there are a lot of variable factors which can lead to somebody having an affair so it’s hard to say. Some people purposefully go out of their way to cheat (eg: joining dating apps, lots of ONSs) whilst others may not mean for it to happen but meet someone they’re attracted to and ‘one thing leads to another.’ In the first case I think a cheater who went out of their way to find sex elsewhere will definitely do it again. Maybe in the case of someone in an unhappy marriage who then meets someone new it’s less certain that they will go on to also cheat on the new partner as it may depend on if the opportunity naturally arises again, but if somebody has an affair it shows that there’s a part of them which is able to justify that level of deceit and so it stands to reason if they’re able to justify cheating once they’d be able to justify it again.

Maybe the first relationship/ marriage truly was awful and if things stay good in the new relationship they won’t stray, maybe the new partner really was perfect and if nobody else comes along they won’t straf, but I’d be worried that if the new relationship hit a rough patch or a younger/ more attractive etc person starter showing interest they would be able to justify an affair just like they did the first time, even if they weren’t looking for it.

I wouldn’t trust anybody who was involved in an affair, either as the married partner or the other man/ woman. I have colleagues who had an affair (started at work) - older man in a position of power who had an affair with an employee young enough to be his daughter and left his wife and children to be with her. They’re now married and seem happy but I still find the whole situation a bit creepy to be honest and I avoid the both of them as I just can’t trust people who would be involved in that level of distrust and hurt. I feel bad for judging them on this but I have to trust my gut which just says to stay away from them as much as possible.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2019 17:37

My cousin pinched someone else's dh

No she didn’t.

Whatsthatunderthebridge · 21/07/2019 17:40

I'm aware of 11 couples whose relationships started with an affair. None of them me! They are all still married after getting together.

Betrayed spouses like to think the relationships will break up after the aps get together. Of course I am sure the relationships end often after the thrill has gone but not always

BogglesGoggles · 21/07/2019 17:43

Generally, anyone who has cheated will take any future desirable opportunities that arise. It doesn’t mean that opportunities will arise.

AloneLonelyLoner · 21/07/2019 17:51

Wow I'm staggered at the generalisations here. The black and white thinking. People cheat on others for many reasons, not just nefarious ones.

Nobody apart from the two people in it know what goes on behind their closed doors or why someone cheats on the other.

I don't think it's a case of once a cheater always a cheater.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 17:54

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/07/2019 18:03

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour

This ^^

If you knowingly enter a relationship with someone who has cheated in the past then you’ve seen their true colours and decided those colours are ok imo.

Personally I would be wary about dating someone who had been married before and likely wouldn’t. I’d wonder why the vows were so easily severed. Not all subsequent marriages start off as affairs though.

NottonightJosepheen · 21/07/2019 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrskeats · 21/07/2019 18:13

You can’t ‘pinch’ a person. Hmm

kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 18:17

So many varying factors. I don't think the term once a cheat always a cheat is accurate at all.

I admit I have cheated before but there were many reasons that led to me doing it. I was very unhappy and badly treated by my ex. I'm now in a much happier and healthier relationship and would never dream of cheating on my current dp.

31RueCambon · 21/07/2019 18:34

It depends, people usually have an idea of what makes a marriage fail or succeed after they have had one unhappy marriage.

A lot of men will cheat but never marry the 'OW' so if they go on to get married there could well be some newfound self-knowledge that wasn't there the first time round.

Also, if a man on his second wife has had no self-awareness, no growth, just a shallow man, if his second wife is ten years younger than he is, he'd find it harder to get a better 'trophy'

Jupiter13 · 21/07/2019 18:46

He sounds like a nice chap who married the wrong lady...

NameChangeNugget · 21/07/2019 18:57

I’d say 50/50.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 19:52

He sounds like a nice chap who married the wrong lady.

I think his wife is the one who married the wrong man. I’m also not seeing what is nice about him. Confused all we know about him is that he left his first wife and DC for a colleague he was having an affair with.

ConfCall · 21/07/2019 21:51

I’ve seen relationships that started as affairs thrive. It can happen. Various things lead to affairs. Subsequent marriages can be much happier and more fulfilling.

But I think the “leopard spots” etc cliche is often true where someone cheats on their spouse and doesn't get sent packing - they tend to think that they’ve got way with it once, and will again. You see it on here time and time again, a year passes after an affair and suddenly “DH” is sniffing around his next conquest, with the wife on here wailing, “but we had counselling and I forgave him!!”

Alwaysbetterinthesun · 22/07/2019 07:58

Not always, people cheat because they are unhappy. I have many years ago in the past cheated myself and as much of a bad person that made me, I didn’t even regret it. I was really unhappy with my partner at the time and couldn’t see a way out.
I wouldn’t never cheat on my current partner, I did nearly have an EF when we had a rough patch but I told him about it within a week as I am a stronger person than I was and was able to tell him I was unhappy and I knew that talking to another man the way I was wasn’t appropriate and that I would rather discuss our issues with my current partner and sort it out, I never physically done anything.
I think because I cheated in the past, I noticed this time that emotionally leaning on a male friend can lead down a path I didn’t want to go again and within future days sorted my head out.
So no not once a cheater always a cheater in my case. More of lesson learnt in my case

KylieKoKo · 22/07/2019 08:33

I think a lot of people who have been cheated on would like this to be true. Unfortunately life isn't fair and its not. People arent separated into those who always cheat and those who never would, they are much more complex than that.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 22/07/2019 09:07

people cheat because they are unhappy

some people cheat because they are unhappy. Some cheat because they want to and know they can get away with it. Some cheat because they want to hurt their partner. Some just like lots of sex. Some want the type of sex their partner won’t consider so they pay for it.

^all scumbags.

JaceLancs · 22/07/2019 09:07

Amongst my group of closest friends 3 have ended marriages by having an affair and are still married to subsequent person
SIL was married when she met DB they’ve now been together over 30 years
My DP was in last stages of a relationship when we met although I was single - he has never cheated on me
Ex DH had affair - left me for OW they married and it lasted over 10 years then she cheated on him