'If he cheats with you, he'll probably cheat on you'

[Brownwool]

-As said by someone on another thread. How much do you think this is true? My cousin pinched someone else's dh. They had a workplace affair & he left his wife & kids for her - she's 10yrs younger than the ex. When my aunt told me about their engagement, she did a kind of tinkly laugh & brushed the ex-wife out of the picture because she herself had come to marriage through an affair. My cousin's been happily married for about 10yrs now. How true do you think it is that he'll likely cheat again?

A colleague of mine was the OW. He left his wife (two kids) for her. They've been together since (married o year ago) and seem very happy.

I hate how they got together, but his Ex has remarried.

In my experience it seems that my ex husband has an ego problem constantly needs reassurance from other woman.

His ex (we didn't have an affair) told me he was messaging other woman when she was with him.

We was together 9 years got married and 39 days later found out he met a girl on his stag doo continued an affair and got her pregnant. I was devastated as we had just got married and were trying for a baby. He is with her now but things aren't as rosy as she makes out on Facebook.

He hasn't changed as she has already found a secret folder full of messages to other woman. She has stayed though to save face and for the sake of there baby I am guessing. I have no doubt he will cheat again.

I think she thinks that to as she watches and monitors everything. Must be exhausting, so happy I am out of that. But in my opinion they normally do.

I agree with the poster who said they'd differentiate between people who cheated on girl/boyfriends when they were in their teens and those who are mature in years, married and have a family.

When you're young you make mistakes. You can be naive, not sure of who you are or what you need and can make a mess of things. When you're a 38 year old mum or 45 year old dad there's less excuse for that sort of thing. You should be older and wiser and the stakes are far higher. It's called being a grown-up. It's called treating others with respect.

Chump Lady has an interesting article on why cheaters - at least those in non-abusive relationships - are likely to cheat again. It's not because they're "evil people" or anything. Its simply that anyone who responds to a rough patch in a relationship by escaping into the thrill of an illicit relationship, rather than communicate and put in effort to fix things and/or exit the relationship in a respectful way is choosing a route that feels easier to them and/or requires less effort. So when they hit a rough patch - as every one does - in their new relationship it figures they will likely respond in a similar fashion.

There's also the notion that cheaters will feel entitled to cheat where as those who resist temptation do not. And if you have a mindset that entitles you to break boundaries, given the opportunity or excuse (e.g. bored now, again) why wouldn't you?

For what its worth, I do believe these kind of cheaters can change, but only after a serious amount of soul-searching and counselling to unwrap why they can't put in the effort to fix things/courage to leave respectfully as opposed to some magic person making the cheating urge go away. Didn't work for Elizabeth Gilbert after all.

Yes, cheating is a decision someone makes. They are happy to betray their partner and lie about it. This shows poor character, low empathy, contempt for others, immoral or amoral character, selfish, lack of commitment to a relationship etc. People like this don't usually have a change of character, I tend to think they continue but just get better at hiding it.

I suppose it depends on whether another thief comes along and pinches him again. My heart goes out to him.

I have cheated.
I have been faithful.
I have had prolonged periods of chosen celibacy.

So I have dont agree with the Once a cheat... thing. If it's part of a pattern of behaviour, it should certainly raise red flags.

Not always, but it's a hell of a gamble.

A bit like marrying someone with a known addiction or propensity to violence.

"So many people take the moral high ground."

I can't imagine using 'moral' as an insult.

I think 'once a cheater, always a cheater' holds true because they have shown themselves to be capable of those behaviours and traits necessary to conduct an affair.

People who say that they have cheated but never would again are fooling themselves imo. You might be deliriously happy with your current partner but, should they ever begin to make you feel like your old partner did, you would be tempted to cheat.

It's like any bad behaviour. The first time is hard, but once you've done it once it's easier, less guilt-inducing, to do it again.

I'm sure some cheats go on to marry ow/om and be very happy. But I know several couples in this situation - they give the appearance of great happiness but privately admit to insecurities and mistrust. One friend said she has sex with him whether she wants to or not, because she knows lack of marital sex led to their own affair. Another, in the same conversation, said she puts up with certain behaviours and backs down from justified arguments, because 'we'd look like idiots now if we couldn't make it work.'

I don't think that all cheats are bad people. I understand that there are many different reasons for affairs. But the ability to lie convincingly, to maintain everyday life with a spouse while conducting an affair, to prioritise time with an affair partner over other commitments, not skills that everyone is capable of.

Tbh I didn't even go to all that much trouble to hide the fact I was getting close to someone else from my then partner. He had neglected me and taken he absolute piss for years. I had checked out of the relationship mentally and just wanted him gone. But it was him who refused. It wasn't my finest hour and I did feel bad about it for some time afterwards but I don't regret it.

A deceitful cheat who wants the thrill of another person while maintaining their comfortable family life is something different imo. No time for that.