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Original poster

I left DH and now OM has gone

252 replies

Betrayedandithurts · 21/07/2019 15:59

OM and I had been having an affair For past 6 years. During this time we both left partners on different occasions For each other but the timing was never right. First DH lost his job and I couldn’t leave and then OM’s wife had depression then she was sick, but wasn’t really, and he couldn’t leave and then both have had issues with children and timing wasnt right. Both DH and his wife know about us obviously.

Children now older and we decide we had to do it now and we both said we will leave together and I have and my divorce Has finally come through but now OM has disappeared off the face of the earth. I am heartbroken and don’t understand how he can do this to me.Don’t know what to do. He isn’t a nice person is he? Why would he disappear. His wife knows I am divorcing and do you think she just pulling another one of her sick stunts? Sickness, depression, or whatever other thing she has done Before to make him stay? Or is it him?

OP posts:
taylorowmu · 22/07/2019 01:30

@WashingMyHair247

Another poster who missed the fact that OP DID leave her husband. Right in the first post 'we both left our partners on different occasions' - this was over the course of the 6 year affair.

So many people saying OP had not choice but to stay and was in an abusive relationship Hmm

OP had an affair. For SIX years. She left her husband and went back, because 'the timing wasn't right' ie: other man didn't commit, just as he isn't now.

The OP is no prisoner to this marriage.

NorthEndGal · 22/07/2019 01:31

You need to have higher standards for yourself

OhTheRoses · 22/07/2019 04:55

Why is there an assumption that the op has been in an abusive a dreadful arranged marriage? Many aren't and I find it difficult to imagine the op was on a controllling aand punitive environment if she had the freedom to have an affair for six years.

Not all arranged marriages are dreadful. Our neighbours, presently looking for partners fir their late 20 simething children are pretty cool. She definitely wears the trousers. They are late 50s like us. Theoir dc have no issue with it, live independently and have vrilliant careers. Can't see anybody abusing their dd.

anon812 · 22/07/2019 07:26

I'm sorry but I don't think what you had with OM was real for him in the way you took it to be. For him, it was excitement, and something on the side. I'm sure he did enjoy his time with you but it seems you took it a lot more seriously than him, hence the disappearing when shit gets real. If he wanted to be with you he would be.

You have definitely dodged a bullet though. He's clearly a deceptive and shift character, you would not want to be with someone like that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/07/2019 08:05

Hithere12 Sun 21-Jul-19 23:02:27
Nobody who has an affair/cheats loves their spouse

That’s really not true. Men can sometimes just be dogs. Why do you think the majority of footballers seem to cheat compared to office workers for example? It’s because office workers don’t have a bus load of women willing to sleep with them.

The sad fact is many more men would cheat if they were in that position. But they aren’t.

=====

But it is true. However much you or I might like to think otherwise. The only real difference in your footballer analogy is the publicity that Joe Public doesn't tend to attract.

Men/women who love their spouses don't cheat on them. If you believe that they only cheat because they can and that they genuinely love their spouse then that's really sad.

If you thought about what's involved in cheating, you wouldn't be able to convince yourself that the cheater loves their husband/wife. They risk everything they have, to cheat.

Scorpiovenus · 22/07/2019 08:21

Poetic justice

I just wish others got the same karma

AlongTheWay · 22/07/2019 08:24

Poetic justice

l just wish others got the same karma

Me too. I absolutely love it when a cheat gets what's coming to them and they end up miserable. They deserve to be miserable and live in regret.

It's nothing compared to how the person that was cheated on would feel. So any time a cheater gets their just desserts is a good thing.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/07/2019 08:53

Most of the posters here are complete b...tches. They like to kick someone when they are down.

Key board cowards.

Bet none of you would talk like this to a friend.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 22/07/2019 08:58

@JinglingHellsBells the words 'pot' and 'kettle' come to mind.

Soconfusedandlost · 22/07/2019 09:00

Hang on have I missed an OP update along the line.

She says she was in an arranged marriage that she left couple of times over 6 years but went back. How was the relationship abusive? How was she forced into it? (just trying to get an understanding of the situation)

Sadly the OM decided that this course of action wasn't for him. I don't agree with your actions but you should be glad of leaving your husband if you weren't happy. This time stay gone so that your family can heal individually rather than to and fro-ing with your husband. Better for you, him and the kids

31RueCambon · 22/07/2019 09:03

That is awful, he sounds like a total coward though. For six years he put off doing the hard thing in order to just coast.

I think in situations like this people over estimate the ''devastation'' their spouse will feel at the marriage being over. People aren't dumb, if their partner is having an affair then the closeness has gone, but rather than just split up and be decent about it to lessen her pain he fobbed her off with a sham marriage for six years while.

And now is doing the easy thing again. Instead of having one very difficult conversation with you, he is leaving you to figure it out which must be torture.

His cowardice is just awful. I bet his wife is depressed, probably because he's gaslighted her for six years.

He's not worth it. I hope you recover from this, you and your husband.

Marriage is not the be and end all so ignore all the comments telling you that karma is a bitch.

I want to start reporting all these threads were women are so cruel and bitchy to a poster who comes to the board. It'd never be acceptable in any other situation.

AlongTheWay · 22/07/2019 09:15

Bet none of you would talk like this to a friend.

I absolutely would. Cheating is low. There is no reason for it and yes, it is that black and white. If not happy. Leave. This poster got what she deserved. Cheated with a cheat who has now done the dirty back. Good.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/07/2019 09:17

I really don't think you would.

I know someone in a similar situation. I put that to one side and don't mention it.

It's none of our / your business.

AlongTheWay · 22/07/2019 09:18

But just on that I wouldn't have a friend like that anyway, if I knew anything about it.

If they're happy to be deceitful to their family then imagine what they might do to a friend.... Not something I want to find out.

AlongTheWay · 22/07/2019 09:20

I really don't think you would.

Best not assume what someone you know nothing about is or isn't like in real life... But my life experiences shape how I think on this topic and have no tolerance for it. I don't care who they are.

I don't need someone who lies and cheats as a friend. That's your choice if you do. We are all different.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 22/07/2019 09:21

I would definitely tell my friend exactly what I have said here.

Which is basically, he was cheating on his wife. Why would the OP believe she is sp special he wouldnt do it to her.

And let's not just cast the OP in the poor woman, taken advantage of role.

She claims the wifes illnesses and mental health issues were probably faked to keep him. Can you imagine being the wife of this man? You know he has cheated (op says she knows) this does in for years. Possibly because of culture (assuming they are all the same culture) or other reasons feels she cant leave. It would make most people ill. OP isnt even contemplating that if her illnesses are a little, the lie comes from him.

So many people talking about the poor op, stuck because of her culture. She dodnt think about the poor wife of the OM did she? When knew he wasnt thinking of her either, why would he really care ops well being?

taylorowmu · 22/07/2019 09:24

Most of the posters here are complete b...tches. They like to kick someone when they are down.

Key board cowards.

Bet none of you would talk like this to a friend.

You are joking, right?

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 22/07/2019 09:25

I know someone in a similar situation. I put that to one side and don't mention it.

You may choose to do that, but I woildnt.

If a person can have a 6 year affair, i dont want them as a friend. That person has no loyalty. Not a quality i look for in a friend.

If i felt the friend was in a difficult situation and decided to keep them in my life And if that friend want sympathy off me claiming 'but how could he lie to me' i would tell them straight. The alwwre an active part in this and why did she think he would treat her so much better than he was treating their wife? And no, I would have much sympathy for someone who spent 6 years in this situation and then was nasty about the wife and the fact that she has been I'll.

anon812 · 22/07/2019 09:50

I personally don't think OP seems like a very moral person to have done what she has done. An arranged marriage is never, and will never be, an excuse for an affair, and it's unforgivable.

Regardless, she has asked for opinions on what we think OM is up to. I'm afraid the vast consensus is that he is a coward and will not leave his wife for OP. He is spineless, and instead of having a frank conversation with her, has just disappeared to let her work out for herself that it is over. What I think is likely to have happened is that it was all fun and games and empty words until she did what she said she would and left her husband. He has now realised that when push comes to shove he doesn't want to leave his family. That's how he feels and he can't help it, but what he can help is how he handles the situation and owns up to his mistake and is honest with OP instead of just disappearing like a coward and letting her work it out.

@OP this guy does not deserve you, nor his wife's forgiveness. I hope you find someone better, and I really hope that next time you are in a relationship you communicate your feelings if you're not happy and break it off if needs be, rather than disrespecting the other person and going behind their back with cheating/affairs.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 22/07/2019 10:01

He probably realised it is all real and the kick and excitement won't be there anymore. I'm sorry you are hurt, but you should have known a man cheating on his own wife, despite her being ill is a dick.

Chista · 22/07/2019 10:52

OP not sure if you are still reading this thread, but is this OM from the same culture as you?

Trickyteens · 22/07/2019 10:54

Now is the time to build your social life and meet new people. Put him behind you and forgot him.

He never was reliable. If he was in any way moral , he would have at least told you he had changed his mind, so he is a coward too.

taylorowmu · 22/07/2019 11:00

I'm sorry you are hurt, but you should have known a man cheating on his own wife, despite her being ill is a dick.

Maybe the OM had a lightbulb moment and realised the OP was just as bad as him.

Original poster
Betrayedandithurts · 22/07/2019 11:12

There are very many cruel comments here but thankfully also many ones that are also making me see OM is not how I thought he is in my head.

I said my arranged marriage was not abusive or nothing like that and that it was just we didn’t like each other or ever get on well. Each time I tried to leave in the past it was to hard to because of family pressure to stay and DH didn’t want me to either but we thought we keep on trying to not embarrass our families by divorcing but we reached a time we didn’t want to stay together anymore. Ending the marriage is good for us both and my children too.

I am just sad about OM And how he has not kept his promise. For along time he has made me believe he loves me and I did all this for him to so I am obviously upset.

I am Turkish but OM is English but I don’t know what the difference it makes is. His wife was not ever really unwell and I am not happy about having an affair and the hurt is causes her but he was leaving her anyway at the beginning and his marriage was also so bad from the beginning. He told her about our relationship at the beginning and how wants to divorce but she alway kept being sick or having problems or one thing and one other just to make him go back home . He still is not picking up phone calls or replying to sms that I send and i feel sick.

OP posts:
AlongTheWay · 22/07/2019 11:19

There are very many cruel comments

I think "honest" is the word you're looking for. You were cruel, dishonest and deceitful for a long time. You are cruel, people telling you so is just honest. You need much thicker skin if you're going to go around sleeping with married men and cheating on your own relationships.

And how he has not kept his promise.

He didn't keep his promise to his wife, his family, why would he keep it for you. Why are you special in comparison? You were clearly a bit of fun, a shag on the side and you gave him exactly that. Now he's done.

He still is not picking up phone calls or replying to sms that I send

He's gone. Get over it. Next time don't get involved with a married man. Learn from it, don't mope around acting like YOU'RE the one hard done by. You did wrong, he did wrong, it's over.

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