I left DH and now OM has gone

[Betrayedandithurts]

OM and I had been having an affair For past 6 years. During this time we both left partners on different occasions For each other but the timing was never right. First DH lost his job and I couldn’t leave and then OM’s wife had depression then she was sick, but wasn’t really, and he couldn’t leave and then both have had issues with children and timing wasnt right. Both DH and his wife know about us obviously.

Children now older and we decide we had to do it now and we both said we will leave together and I have and my divorce Has finally come through but now OM has disappeared off the face of the earth. I am heartbroken and don’t understand how he can do this to me.Don’t know what to do. He isn’t a nice person is he? Why would he disappear. His wife knows I am divorcing and do you think she just pulling another one of her sick stunts? Sickness, depression, or whatever other thing she has done Before to make him stay? Or is it him?

You are not the victim here !
His wife and your ex husband are.

I hope they find out what happened, soon.

Thank you everyone whose being kind. I wanted sympathy and someone telling me what I had with OM was real and wasn’t lies and I haven’t spent 6 years wasting on lies.

DH hasn’t ever been abusive or anything like that but we didn’t want to marry each other in the beginning . That’s the only thing I was trying to say when I made statement that it was arranged that we didn’t really want it and we never wanted each other. I’m sad because I met OM and for the only time in life I loved him and he told me he loves me to.

those who are kind are likely as delusional as you are.

About Shame I am obviously ashamed I had a affair and now ashamed I’m divorced and I am not writing this from pride. All advice to move on and learn and realise OM isn’t how I thought Is what I will try and remember.

It's all very sad. really.

You should have been left alone to fall in love naturally not forced into a marriage you didn't want. You were very naive about married men because you didn't have a decent mother who taught you the basics.

Married men want one thing from other women and that is sex.

Oh dear...the jokes on you

I have. I still didn't shag someone else's husband. Dragging other people into it, isnt ok.

Hiding I'm assuming you've been in an arranged marriage abusive relationship?

and now ashamed I’m divorced and I am not writing this from pride.

What pride that you managed to break up 2 families.

I'm assuming you've been in an arranged marriage abusive relationship?

No but I come from a very conservative religious culture. I dont speak to my family because I am divorced and they think the fact that exh raped me, was that bad.

So dont tell me I dont know what's it's like.

I wanted sympathy and someone telling me what I had with OM was real and wasn’t lies and I haven’t spent 6 years wasting on lies

Why would you want people to lie to you?

What you want and what you get are two different things. Most people are quite rightly and understandably expressing their distaste at your deceit.

I can't be the only one who is secretly hoping that the OP's (ex) husband and the OM's wife get together.

OP, after the update that it was an arranged marriage I do feel sympathy.

I'm sorry you were forced into a marriage that you did not want.

The OM was clearly not a nice man.

At least you are free now and I hope you find a relationship which suits you xx

Whilst I can sympathise with being forced into an arranged marriage, having an arranged marriage doesn't make it right that the OP completely disrespected another woman by sleeping with her husband. This is the UK and if the OP had the freedom to have an affair, then surely she had the freedom to leave an unhappy marriage without contributing to the destruction of somebody else's.

I don't know many people who would want a relationship with someone who cheats on their partner. How can the OM trust you knowing you won't be faithful to him and why would you trust him. The OM wanted to have you (for sex) and his wife (who he loves), he stringed you along knowing you would carry on sleeping with him. He probably has other females on the go too but ultimately he is always going to stay with his wife.
I feel like those who use the arranged marriages/abusive relationships are rubbish excuses. I do get that you married someone you didn't love but there is no reason you couldn't have got a divorce and then found another single man to fall in love with. Lesson learned OP.

Are your children living with you? Put all your effort and focus on them for now. Put aside thoughts of the OM.

Sorry about the dreadful people posting on this thread, OP. I hope things get better for you.

I haven't read the full thread.
I'm sorry you have been let down, it sounds like your OM is not such a nice person after all.
Don't waste too much time on trying to understand why. You will never get a satisfactory answer.
I hope you find happiness elsewhere. My advice is to be happy in yourself first and only then be ready to have a relationship. Make sure your future partner is single too - will save heartache all round.

This is the UK and if the OP had the freedom to have an affair, then surely she had the freedom to leave an unhappy marriage without contributing to the destruction of somebody else's

Sadly not always. In some cultures a divorce is seen as being more shameful for the family than almost anything.

Even in this country women can be treated dreadfully in arranged marriages they never wanted.

The OP said she believed neither her marriage nor that of the other couple were wanted.

Just to add also (aware this is off topic) please don't let 'being in the uk' fool you. The honour based domestic violence women have to face can be appalling. Many women sent back home for 'celebrations' like forced marriage and FGM. Only to return again shortly to the UK.

@Betrayedandithurts do you have a safe place to stay? Are your children ok?

Mumsnet is full of perfect people - how nice that must be!

@mumtobob I think a majority of people in the UK are capable of not cheating on their spouse. May not make them perfect but makes them better than those who engage in a 6 year affair.

Jesus wept.

If you havent cheated on your partner, then you must think you are perfect?

Really? That's a low bar for perfection.