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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left DH and now OM has gone

252 replies

Betrayedandithurts · 21/07/2019 15:59

OM and I had been having an affair For past 6 years. During this time we both left partners on different occasions For each other but the timing was never right. First DH lost his job and I couldn’t leave and then OM’s wife had depression then she was sick, but wasn’t really, and he couldn’t leave and then both have had issues with children and timing wasnt right. Both DH and his wife know about us obviously.

Children now older and we decide we had to do it now and we both said we will leave together and I have and my divorce Has finally come through but now OM has disappeared off the face of the earth. I am heartbroken and don’t understand how he can do this to me.Don’t know what to do. He isn’t a nice person is he? Why would he disappear. His wife knows I am divorcing and do you think she just pulling another one of her sick stunts? Sickness, depression, or whatever other thing she has done Before to make him stay? Or is it him?

OP posts:
Hithere12 · 21/07/2019 20:58

I’ve just seen you had an arranged marriage sorry OP ignore my previous comment.

Hithere12 · 21/07/2019 21:01

I love when people get what's coming to them Grin

Hmm She was pushed into having an arranged marriage. Can you even begin to imagine what a nightmare that must be?

TheyCallMeMellowYellow · 21/07/2019 21:21

What culture are you from OP?

CitadelsofScience · 21/07/2019 21:28

TheyCallMe a culture that has arranged marriage. Which religion or country they are from is irrelevant.

Moominfan · 21/07/2019 21:45

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss culture and country.

Chista · 21/07/2019 21:53

Honour based killings are so very rife in this Country, its not very well known. The amount of parents who will kill their own daughters for leaving an arranged marriage is shocking. I know OP had a 6 year affair, which is seen also as a major dishonour and thus leads to honour killing, but it seems that OP situation is not one of these.
OP I stand firmly that you chose the wrong path with the affair but you are now in a position to learn from this and try to make a better life for yourself. People make mistakes yes your mistake wrecked 2 families but it was both your actions that caused it.
I hope you find a safe space and reflect and are able to move on and realise that this man was never worth the hurt and aggravation you have both caused.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/07/2019 21:55

Poppi89, let me disabuse you of that silly notion... he did not love his wife. Nobody who has an affair/cheats loves their spouse. People who do love their spouses don't cheat. As simple as that. Every time. Whatever they tell you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/07/2019 21:57

bingbongnoise, you seem really unpleasant. The non-stop nasty posts with 'smiley' faces and hoping that worse befalls the OP? Vile.

RRJR · 21/07/2019 22:18

Christ. Some of you posters are vile

Okay OP, having an affair wasn’t the best thing to do and I can see why people may feel anger towards your actions, but it’s done now and I’m not here to make you feel any worse. Some posters on here will have you think they’re absolute saints. Cheating isn’t always black and white.

I cannot imagine being forced into an arranged marriage and I imagine only ever falling in love with somebody who does this to you is a pretty lonely feeling.
Yes his wife would’ve felt like shit aswell but you aren’t his wife and so I won’t say too much about her

You might realise one day that what this man has done, is the best thing for you. You’ve left a marriage you wasn’t happy in and can now find somebody else who you are able to be with.

trixiebelden77 · 21/07/2019 22:34

At least you’re free of an unhappy marriage and free of someone who didn’t care for you as much as you cared for him.

It hurts but it’s a fresh start.

Won’t even start on the stupidity of every one who has used the term ‘karma’ despite clearly having no knowledge whatsoever about it.

litterbird · 21/07/2019 22:44

I am sorry its ended like this. He has disappeared because at the end of the day it was all talk. You were a fantasy relationship. It was only alive in fantasy land. In real life he ran away as that was not what he really wanted in the end. Many men do this to unwitting 'other women'. They promise the earth but never deliver. He is staying with his wife because he wants to. I think the illness thing maybe just a story to tell you. He has chosen to stay with his wife. Its going to hurt for a while but at least you are out of your arranged marriage and being treated like a slave. Build a new life now...away from married men.

Hithere12 · 21/07/2019 22:58

your mistake wrecked 2 families but it was both your actions that caused it

Her mistake? SHE ruined two families? Are you fucking serious?! Yeah that twat who cheated on his wife for six years and has now ghosted OP is completely innocent in all this.

Hithere12 · 21/07/2019 23:02

Nobody who has an affair/cheats loves their spouse

That’s really not true. Men can sometimes just be dogs. Why do you think the majority of footballers seem to cheat compared to office workers for example? It’s because office workers don’t have a bus load of women willing to sleep with them.

The sad fact is many more men would cheat if they were in that position. But they aren’t.

NotStayingIn · 21/07/2019 23:17

I know what I’m about to write is a little bit ironic as you did the same, but here goes: I don’t think you would have ever been able to trust the OM.

I do get why you are hurt. But if he does make a reappearance I would be really really wary. He sounds untrustworthy.

It sucks now but possibly in the long run you will be better off. Have some time alone. Then eventually start a new relationship not based on lies and deceit.

The last six years sound like a shit show, out of which, regardless of the arranged marriage, you couldn’t possibly come out feeling good about your behaviour. It’s probably not a bad thing to leave that all behind.

WanderingTrolley1 · 21/07/2019 23:23

So many MNers who’ve never done anything wrong or made any mistakes...

Some of these posts are truly vile.

RonnieScotts · 21/07/2019 23:27

Having a six year affair with a married man is a little more than a 'mistake'

user1471449295 · 21/07/2019 23:29

He’s fucking a new muggy woman. Karma

Hithere12 · 21/07/2019 23:30

Having a six year affair with a married man is a little more than a 'mistake

Oh so I take it you’re from a culture where you’re pushed into marriage with someone you don’t love or fancy & could potentially be killed for “dishonouring” your family?

SaraNade · 21/07/2019 23:42

@OhTheRoses This is an international site with people from all over the world. Why would you assume she is in the UK?

user1479305498 · 21/07/2019 23:44

Listen OP, this Man may well have liked you a lot but for whatever reason he didn't feel able to follow through and leave his wife. What you did was crap , but people aren't always perfect, his behaviour is shit too. Take this as a blessing you got out of an arranged marriage you didn't want and run with it, find someone you like who is free to like you without having to feed you what you want to hear .

taylorowmu · 21/07/2019 23:44

I don't understand the arranged marriage as an excuse.

AlongTheWay · 22/07/2019 01:11

you don’t know why I had affair in the first place.

Doesn't matter. You're a cheat. You could have left the marriage, there was no reason to cheat regardless of what excuse you come up with in your head to make it ok. OM is probably off having an affair with someone else.

You're both lowlifes and you deserve all you're getting now.

ysmaem · 22/07/2019 01:17

I find it a little comical that you wrote "don't understand how he could do this to me." I'm sorry but he's been lying and cheating on his wife for 6 years, you are totally aware what he's capable of. Don't sound so shocked that he's has now betrayed you too. I think you need to concentrate on yourself now and move on with your life.

WashingMyHair247 · 22/07/2019 01:21

OP, until I read your message saying you were in an unhappy arranged marriage, I felt sick reading your self centered sounding posts.

I completely understand now. Actually, I don't, because I'm not from a culture with that custom and haven't been in an arranged marriage.

But I have been in abusive ones and in situations where I was cornered into being unable to leave without extreme help.

In the last refuge I was in, there was a very young lady (think she was 19) who had fled an arranged marriage. She had met someone she really loved, not that he could come here, I can't write the details. But her family were constantly trying to find her, her phone was going off constantly and she was always having emotional conversations. She had had to move refuges all over the UK to try and hide from them. It sounded so fearful, her situation.

So I can understand why you did what you did. It would help to have put the circumstances in your first post, but never mind.

Stuff the OM. What's important is you're out of that marriage. Stay safe and don't let your family bully you, there is help if you need it.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

I left DH and now OM has gone
Grumpelstilskin · 22/07/2019 01:23

Aaaw, you lost OM. Seems a bit careless....